Query about being a SAHM!

Parentberries
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Hello! I’m coming with a couple questions, although I do apologize in advance, as I can tend to be long-winded and ramble! :laughing:

I’ve always wanted to stay at home once I have children (at least until they start attending school, if my partner and I decide we don’t want to homeschool), but that wish has always gotten me weird looks. I’m not naive enough to believe this is an easy possibility, given the cost of living nowadays, but it is something that I fear I would regret not doing in the future.

I do not have children, but it doesn’t stop my pondering, so I figured I might ask!

For those of you who are stay-at-home parents or have a partner who is a stay-at-home parent, what does life and finances look like for you? How many children do you have? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you intend to go back to work once your children reach a certain age? Was there any deciding factor that made you think staying home was the right option for you? And I know it’s a touchy subject, but how do finances work in your family? Does your partner have an average, below average, or above average income? Did you leave a job that had a high salary? Did you save up money to be able to stay home? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you intend to find a part-time or WFH position once your children are old enough? [name_m]Feel[/name_m] free to be as specific or vague as you want :slightly_smiling_face:

I’d also love to hear from users who intend to stay at home once they have children! Really anyone’s views are welcome.

Thank you all in advance!

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[name_m]Hi[/name_m]! I’m a teenberry, but my mom’s a SAHM, and I also plan on being one when I have kids, so I can answer from both my perspective, and what I know of hers.

I’ve pretty much always known I want to be a SAHM—nothing about sitting in an office all day has ever really appealed to me, and I’ve always loved kids and wanted children! In terms of my own future plans/dreams, I plan on going to college, hopefully getting scholarships, so with that and the money I’m making now in high school I won’t have to take out student loans, and have some money I keep in a savings account to let grow. After I graduate, I’d love to be able to find a job I enjoy—early childhood & elementary education, being a doula or another childbirth related role, or working in the publishing/book world are all jobs that appeal to me. I’m not quite sure yet what I’d like to major in, but something along those lines! Then, after I’ve met and married my soulmate (who knows how long that’s gonna take me, lol) I’d love to be able to have the finances to buy a home, and with our combined savings have the resources to start a family. Obviously, if I’m quitting work to be a SAHM, I’m gonna have to find a man with a well-paying job who can provide for us, but I’ll make it work! :laughing:
I’d love to have five children, and I want to homeschool them until the ages of ~8-10 (depending on the kid and what they need), and them either placing them in public school if we live in a good school district, or a somewhat affordable private [name_m]Christian[/name_m] school if we have the funds for that. Once my kiddos are in school, I’d love to find work that I’m passionate about, whether it be what I was doing before I had kids, working for a volunteer organization, or getting a job at a local small business.

[name_f]My[/name_f] mom is still a SAHM, as my youngest sibling won’t be starting kindergarten until this fall (and he’s the kind of kid that will most certainly be getting into trouble unless you keep your eye on him 24/7), but once he does start school, my mom plans on working for some local charities, and she wants to take some classes to learn another language, and in a couple years she plans on getting a teaching certification, because her and my dad’s pipe dreams are to go start a charity or do volunteer work abroad once all of us kids have left the house, so she’s trying to do all she can do now to be able to make those dreams happen.
Our family finances (well, what I know of them) right now are a little complicated (not in a bad way, just in a complicated way) for various different reasons, which I’d be totally happy to share with you, but to protect my online privacy I’m not going to share here, but if you want to know how my family’s made only one parent with a job work for us, feel free to PM me!

Well, sorry if my rambles don’t make any sense, but I hope this helps! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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@marigold.solstice This is so helpful, [name_m]Charlie[/name_m]! Our own goals for the future seem very similar! :smile: And I would love to hear more in the PMs - thank you so much for offering (and replying in the first place)! :white_heart:

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Hello! I’m also a teenberry, but my mother stayed at home with us kids, and I too plan to stay home with my children, so I’ll offer what I can!

my take

[name_f]My[/name_f] youngest sibling is six years younger than I, and my mom stayed home until they started 1st grade – a decision that was purely based on personal morals/values. It was around then when she picked up a part time job so that she could still be home in time to see us off the bus safely. Now that the youngest is in middle school, my mom has a full time job at a school so that she can still be home in the summers to spend quality time with us. This was all really made possible because my dad makes enough where it wasn’t necessary for her to contribute until my older sibling went to college.
[name_f]My[/name_f] plan is very similar to what my mom did – either rely on one income if possible or find part-time/flexible jobs to make it work. I plan to go into the medical field, so perhaps I could take night shifts while my husband works during the day. Additionally, I love writing and hope to be an author on the side, and that would be a good source of income for me. [name_m]Even[/name_m] something as simple as running an Etsy shop brings in money. It’s all personal preference! Once my children (3-5 kids would be the dream) are old enough or have surpassed my homeschooling abilities (maybe high school age? we’ll see how it goes), I’ll likely return to my job in the medical field.
Overall, I’d say being a SAHM is completely possible as long as you can figure out the logistics with your family! [name_f]Hope[/name_f] this helped, have a great day!

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Thank you so much for the reply!! That feels like the goal for me, stay at home until the kids are all in school, and then have a part-time or WFH position after that with flexible hours (ideally I’d love for it to be something like photography, where I don’t work for anyone). It’s nice to know it is possible.

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I’m just going to answer each of your questions in order.

[name_f]My[/name_f] husband works a full-time job, and then also an at-home part-time job on nights and weekends. We planned for me to stay at home and for us to homeschool before we even had kids, so we never used my income for budgeting–we just put it in savings. I didn’t make a lot before our first was on the way, but it helped with the down-payment on our first house. It helped, too, to just always live on what my husband made so that the transition to one income wasn’t abrupt.
We have three kids.
I may go back to work when my kids are done homeschooling/out of the house, but my youngest is 1 so I’m not really thinking about that yet.
I was raised by a stay-at-home mom for my elementary school years, and that created a sense of security in my home growing up. I wanted to be the one to raise my kids, to be their primary influence, to be their comfort. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband was homeschooled and liked the freedom that was involved in that. It was really an easy decision for us.
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband makes the money, but the money is ours, not his. The job of a stay-at-home, homeschooling parent is one we could not afford to pay anyone else to do, so we are both quite clear on the value I bring to the table. We have budget meetings and an app that we use to input expenditures, and we discuss big financial purchases or goals. We each have “fun money” we can use however we please. We share bank accounts. There’s no his and hers.
I would say my husband’s income is average for his white-collar, Master’s degree career. We live in an area that is pretty affordable in terms of national averages, so we live comfortably, but we have to keep track of what we spend. Inflation has hurt, for sure.
[name_f]My[/name_f] job was not at all high-salary.
I mentioned above that we didn’t have to save for me to stay home, because we just lived on his income as soon as we were married, while we waited for kids to come along.
I’ve considered WFH, part-time jobs, but I don’t think it’s the right time while my kids are still very young. Perhaps when my youngest is in middle school and can do more of his schoolwork independently, I’d be in a better place to do that.

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Thank you so much for replying, this is very helpful! It’s so refreshing to see that there is a clear acceptance of the role (and essentially, job) you have in your family, that your husband knows this. He values your time raising the children, and treats it like it is a job (which let’s be honest, it can be). It’s nice to know this mindset isn’t one only I would have, as I’ve oftentimes worried about the aspect of someone being able to “hold money over my head.” I’m glad to hear that there are people who understand that being a SAHM is just as much of a contribution to the house as a “normal” job is. Thank you for sharing!!

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Im currently a sahm.

For us the plan from the beginning was for me to stay home. And we’re hoping that we will be able to keep it that way at least until our children are in school (though we’re seriously considering homeschool, so maybe until they’ve graduated, we’ll see)

I think its something you need to discuss with your partner, and also something that needs serious consideration on your part. Going from working full time to staying at home full time is a major lifestyle shift. It always sounds wonderful to be able to stay at home all day, but its not for everyone. It can be very rewarding, but it can also be very isolating.

And what is available/possible will vary based on your income and price of things in your area. For us when we were pregnant with our first, we looked at our finances and realized my entire income would go to paying for childcare. So for us it made more sense for me to stay home rather than work solely to pay for childcare.

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That last bit has been what really pushed me over into thinking it would (potentially) be a good option for me, if a partner’s income was enough. Childcare (good, quality childcare) is so expensive, and I don’t want my children to not have security in that aspect. Thank you for replying!

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Summary

Deleted for privacy

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P.S. we’re kindred ramblers, as you can see :joy:

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Also forgot to mention that we buy secondhand as much as possible, enjoy family outings that are free and nature-oriented, and don’t own a TV or pay for cable/internet. We use our phones or the library wiFi for internet access when need be.

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I’m a stay-at-home mom! I have two kids: a 6-month-old and an almost 3-year-old. I’m surprised you get weird looks when you tell people because it’s still a fairly common thing to be a stay-at-home parent as far as I can tell. There are so many parents at the libraries and parks during normal working hours. I also have some mom friends who are part-time, so they get some of both being a SAHM and a working mom, which they seem to like. If I ever got a job before my kids start school, I’d go that route for sure! Part of why I am still a SAHM is I have fomo, so I would not like missing out on so much of their day, especially when they’re so little and changing so quickly. I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home home, but I don’t think there was any one thing that made me want to. If so, I was too young to remember it now haha. But especially with super high daycare costs in the US, it’s not worth it for a lot of people to keep working because so much of their salary goes into daycare costs. One thing I’ve heard people consider is their leftover income after daycare is paid for, because really, that’s the actual amount you gain from working, not the total salary since you wouldn’t be needing daycare services if you didn’t work. If that leftover salary is not much of a salary to make it worth it to work 40 hours a week, then it’s not worth working.

I’m not sure where you live, but at least in the US, cost of living is way higher than it was a few years ago, so now is a hard time to be a stay-at-home parent. My husband does make more than average, not necessarily a huge salary, but higher than average. We are still not doing that well off, and seem to be a far way off from being able to afford a house. We’re in a lame apartment that is overpriced, plus have student loans and expensive insurance that his employer doesn’t cover. So all that together means that we don’t have a lot left over to save up despite him earning more than average. Definitely annoying haha. However, it’s totally worth it to us! We would rather have me at home in our situation than to live more comfortably with me working. I am credentialed in a career type that required a bachelor’s degree + a 9-month series of internships to qualify to take the exam, which was obviously a lot of work to do “just” to later stay home, but I knew when I was doing all that that my goal would be SAHM someday. I just finished the final work for my [slow-paced] master’s degree today actually, too. I could add a lot of earnings for our family if I did work (still less than my husband), but the plan is to wait until my youngest starts school (currently undecided if we will have more than 2 kids or not). At that point, I would try for a part-time job so I could be available in the afternoons and such. My only worry about that would be summers. Public schools give ~3 months of summer vacation where I live, which would be difficult to figure out daycare while I’m working part-time, plus I would be sad not being able to take them around to do stuff. So we’ll see. So many of the stay-at-home moms I know don’t go back to work when their youngest goes back to school, so idk.

I am also long-winded, so I get you haha!

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@ladyofthetower Thank you for taking time to reply, Neen! I really appreciate your candidness. I am so glad you have found religion to be something that works as a comfort for you. Anything to help through rough patches is important, in my opinion, even if it looks different for you than it does for me! I think it’s been especially shocking for people to hear my ultimate goal is to be a stay-at-hom-mom because I am very independent, and quite honestly, a very outspoken feminist. That’s the beauty about my views, to me at least, I can want what I want while still recognizing it is not a must for ever person, and it is totally okay for other women to not want the same things I do.

I relate to this a lot, too. I think it’s quite burdensome to be the person I am nowadays, while still wanting a simple life and to stay at home with my children. I’ve always been “advanced” in school academically, and I think that has been the creator of a subconscious drive to have the most fanciful and high-paying job. Has somehow created the idea that I must to something great and make new discoveries, or pursue extra academia, or work in some area like law, even if subconsciously. Where my actual interests lie in the more creative - and stereotypically “domestic” - areas: photography, writing, reading, taking care of children, crocheting, etc. It’s a bit of a weird juxtaposition.

Thank you again for replying, it was quite helpful!

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@Audreymb, Thank you for answering! I think part of the weird looks come from the type of person I am (independent, a bit stubborn, quite feminist, which people equate to always wanting women to work instead of take care of the children…quite clearly that is not true :sweat_smile:), but also part “Well good luck with that.” I’m lucky in the sense that my bachelor’s degree will be free, and I am hoping to get enough scholarships to pay for a portion of my master’s degree (we shall see). Much like you, I’m thinking if I pursue the less “dreamy” job options I’m looking that I will need a bachelor’s degree and a master’s on top of that. It’s a little inconvenient, but seems like the norm nowadays.

The fomo makes a lot of sense, and I think it’s what initially made me want to be a SAHM. I was appalled (and still am) about the shortnesss of maternity leave in the US, especially compared to other countries that have 1 year+ paid maternity leave, and when I thought about the prospect of having to go back to work when my children were still babies…gosh, it makes my heart hurt to even think of! [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it doesn’t work out and I’m not able to stay at home, I still plan to weasel myself a way to stay home for the first year. We rush too much to work in the US. Family is more important to me. Thinking about my children coming home from school and me not being there with them, or sending them to a babysitters during the summer, that frustrates me too. But then again, a lot about the school system here frustrates me. I wouldn’t want an ever-changing routine for them, stability is so important, and I’d rather be able to experience all their firsts myself, not have someone else tell me “Your baby talked today!” :rofl:

Anyhow, thank you again!

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Yes to all of this! I think the shared money is super important. There was a time when I was the only one working while my husband was finishing up his advanced degree (right before kids were born), and it was never my money, it was ours. The same principle applies now that he’s the only one working for income! His mom was a stay-at-home mom, and while they had shared bank accounts, I think his dad very much used a “my money” mentality, which I think is wrong. To this day, even though she’s been working a while and all her kids have graduated, my MIL will still say things like, “Dad is paying for your dinner!” even though they both work and share their money. He does it all the time too, saying “I’ll buy xyz for you guys!” It has rubbed me the wrong way for sure.

And yes about fun money! We do the same thing! I took a family finance class in college, and that was a huge thing my professor recommended for all family types. It allows each partner to be able to spend money on interests without getting approval from the other side, or for the other side thinking it was a waste of money haha. We still have pretty low amounts for our fun money because life is expensive, but we can save it up month-to-month. And hopefully with raises and such, we’ll be able to increase it more and more haha.

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I also consider myself a feminist, and I think a big part of feminism that people don’t get is that we want women to have the choice to decide their paths in life. If someone wants to have a successful career and lead a company, then they should be able to do so. If they want to stay home with their kids, that should be accepted as well.

Agreed :100:. I’ve heard other countries shifting to 4-day, 32-hour work weeks because they are just as productive as the full 40. I don’t think that shift will happen in the US until all the boomers are out of the workforce, and probably not until all leadership is compromised of Gen Z and millennials haha. And yes, maternity leave is awful, and paternity leave is almost non-existent. I believe that both parents need equal and ample time off when welcoming a new child into the world. Increasing paternity leave lessens the gender hire gap because employers won’t decide on a male over a female to avoid maternity leave. Plus, it helps increase equality in the home because both parents are there from the get-go to bond and establish parenting structures.

Sorry for the ramblings that are only somewhat on topic haha

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Could not agree with you more on this!!!

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This is always a hard perspective for me to wrap my head around because I have never felt more feminine and comfortable than as a SAHM! I actually felt very out of touch with my instinctual desires when I was working outside the home and like I had to repress them in order to function “professionally” and keep my mind geared towards earning a profit purely for the sake of survival and pleasure. For me, being a mother and wife was my big secret feminist dream while being a career woman was the only acceptable option because the alternative was “anti-feminist” which is a shocking “throw the baby out with the bathwater” perspective (if you ask me!)

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[name_m]Just[/name_m] stopping by to applaud this! Feminism is about choice, above all else! Being a SAHM is no better or worse in value than working for a paying wage outside the home and the ability for every female-identifying person to choose whether or not one wants to stay home is absolutely vital. No one should be forced to stay home, but that doesn’t mean that the work of being a child(ren)'s full-time care is not just as hard – if not harder – of a role than working outside the home. Taking on traditionally feminine roles is not being a “bad” or lesser feminist!

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