I am not a mother, but I was wondering if having three kids is really that different from having two? I’ve read sooo many articles about how (to put it more bluntly) having a third child is horrible. Does it really throw the balance off of your family dynamic and did it put a strain on you and your SO’s relationship or your relationship with your other two kids? I’m sure all of you love all of your children very much and I am quite a bit away from having children, but I just want to gather all the information I can before I do get married and have kids, etc. Thank you so much!
Having three kids is difficult mostly because even when you and your partner are physically present with them, you’re outnumbered. And it’s definitely an adjustment to care for three if/when you’re the main caregiver and spending many hours as the only adult in the room.
That said, once they’re all past a certain age, they get easier for awhile. And no matter how many (or how few) you have, everyone needs outside help from time to time, [name_f]IMO[/name_f].
After our third was born, I felt really overwhelmed and we finally hired a postpartum doula to help us. Best idea ever.
@mill1020 Thank you so much for your reply! 
My cousin just had her third (her munchkins are 5, 3, and 8 months now) and it was interesting to hear her say that sometimes the happiness and sweetness that the baby brings is what helps keep her sane when her other two are mucking up. Yes, the baby brings all of her own challenges, but there also seems to be a special kind of balance there as well.
Thank you so much @mummacat92 
Also, congratulations on your engagement! I didn’t notice that before, sorry I’m just noticing it if it’s not new. I’m not super observant sometimes.
Naaww thanks, honey 
Been engaged since [name_u]July[/name_u], but someone new is always noticing… I have to stop and think when people congratulate me now (coz I’m used to the fact now!), but it is always super sweet!
[name_u]Baby[/name_u] #3 is almost 7 months now & is the chillest baby around, but sometimes it feels like a lot. Particularly lately as #2 is potty training right now (almost done!) And #1 just started preschool. Things feel hectic even though they really aren’t. Car rides are especially nuts, someone is always crying or yelling or poking somebody else. There are serene moments and heartbreakingly cute moments and there’s also panic and stress and sleeplessness. Going from 1 to 2 or to 3 wasn’t that huge of an adjustment (except for time management which is still a challenge). The first one was the biggest shock/adjustment/new gravitational pull/totally different priorities/plunge into adulthood. Subsequent babies, no big deal.
I love this quote. It adequately sums up the life of every mother I know!
@truenature I’ve heard that a lot of 3rd babies are pretty chill because the parents are always running after the ones that can run, so the third has to be a bit more self soothing. I have heard from some people that going from 2 to 3 is easier and others that it’s harder. Thank you so much for your reply.
I was a full-time babysitter and gig nanny for several years while putting myself through college. I can say from my experience as an outside-insider or inside-outsider at the intimate edges of families of 2 and 3 that the difference between 2 and 3 seems to have a lot more to do with the ages of the children and whether or not the parents were prepared for that age difference.
For instance, a family I worked with for years had a 15-month old when they birthed full-term twins. I was called in because the mom was so overwhelmed postpartum that she was just completely driving herself crazy. She and her husband had assumed it would take them a long time to get pregnant given their ages, so they had started trying soon after #1 was born so that they could hedge their bets and were really unprepared to actually be pregnant again, let alone with twins (there are higher incidences of twins with shorter gaps between births, fyi). The first two years of that family of 3 were insane. They had way too much going on, and the parents just weren’t prepared for what they got themselves into. Of course they loved their kids like crazy, but it was just insanely hectic. I personally LOVED working for that family. They had great kids and since I had a lot of sitting experience with lots of different families, the fact that there were three of them didn’t phase me much. Granted, I wasn’t with them 24/7, but I did spend several hours with them 4-5 days a week for several years. After the twins turned 2 (it’s been a few years now), life became much easier for them. The kids (who are all girls) are best friends (for now), and they’re a really cute set and all close enough developmentally that the hurdles that family has to jump now will be much less disparate than the early days.
Another family of three had an 8 year old and a 6 year old when baby #3 was born. The two big brothers ADORED their little sister and never shied away from helping teach her new things or helping out with extra chores around the house (with two working parents, this made a huge difference!). The big brothers definitely fought among themselves CONSTANTLY, but almost never got annoyed at their little sister. This family was prepared for their third. They had waited a couple years after #2 to TTC again. They had a mid-2nd trimester miscarriage when they finally started trying. And then they took the time to grieve the loss of that pregnancy. When they finally tried again (for a 4th pregnancy), they had come to a really accepting mindset, and had prepared their kids (who had understandably known about the miscarried pregnancy, even if they didn’t really understand it at that time) for the idea that the next pregnancy might work or might not, but that mom and dad were going to try for a little brother or sister. That family had their act together, and the transition was really smooth. The little sister is 3 now and that’s the family with the easiest observable transition between 2 and 3 I’ve ever seen.
These examples might make you infer that I think a larger gap is better. But that’s actually not the case. I just think that families have to be prepared for what they might get. When you decide to TTC and have unprotected sex, you should be prepared for the fact that a baby (or two!) might take 9 months, but might also take several years to join your family. I’ve known families who have “baby bunched” really successfully, and have tight knit families and gotten all their kids out of diapers around the same time. I’ve known other families who have taken time to get pregnant or adopt (or have had the dreaded “oops” baby) and have therefore gone back to diapers and the stresses of newborn care after gaps of several years and have resented it because it just wasn’t their lifestyle anymore and they felt like they had reset the clock and signed on to more years of active parenthood than they had wanted. Having worked with several dozen families, many of which had two kids, many of which had three, and some of which transitioned from 2 to 3 while I was working for them, I think that the actual care part is actually pretty comparable between 2 and 3 kids. But it’s all about the parents and whether or not their expectations line up with reality.
My husband and I are shooting for three kids (we’re starting pre-TTC now, and plan to start trying in [name_f]February[/name_f] 2017). I think three will be just perfect for us. But is always a personal decision.
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@medfordkung Thank you so much for your reply. It does make a lot of sense that the more prepared the family is the smoother it goes (I probably should have come to that conclusion myself). It’s quite a ways away for me to begin TTC (I’m only 16), but I like gathering my information years in advance so I have time to think about it, rather than 9 months or a year. Good luck with your TTC, I wish you all the best.
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