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Why is it considered “mean” to have a negative opinion about a name?
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Where is the line between constructive criticism/free speech and “mean”?
I have noticed threads closed over comments I thought were fine. I’d like some clarification.
Great question, @beachbear! In my personal experience— which is, admittedly, pretty small— I think that oftentimes names, unlike other “inanimate objects”, often hold personal significance for a person— i.e., it was their grandfather’s name, their child’s, etc.— and because of this, they’re more deeply affected by if a person comes out openly mocking or ridiculing a name. This is also pretty clear generally— one of the things bullies as children most ridicule are non-typical names (“hey, [name_m]Xavier[/name_m]’s an ugly name no one can pronounce! Where did your parents get it?!”) For this reason, I think a pretty good guideline is to stick with “I don’t like the name personally/it’s not of my personal style but… insert something good about the name, like how it has a nice sound, how you can see it being super usable on people of all ages, etc— but remember to be real with your compliments, people can tell when you’re lying about Zvezjedan being fluent to pronounce!!” That way, people understand that while the name isn’t your personal favorite, that doesn’t mean that you think it’s dumb or bad or ugly— just a regular name among many that just don’t fit into your personal, unique taste in names. You can even shorten this to “It’s not to my personal taste,” really, if you don’t feel like complimenting the name— complimenting the name is just a nice thing to do in general, not a necessity. Generally I haven’t experienced neither “mean” nor “too sensitive” people, so I would (tentatively) say that this guideline should be enough to ensure that you’re not rubbing anyone the wrong way.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] that answered your question sufficiently. See you around Nameberry! 
- [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]
1. Why is it considered “mean” to have a negative opinion about a name?
I think it’s considered mean because of what I’ve heard called The Five Minute [name_m]Rule[/name_m]. Basically, this rule says it’s not polite or kind to critique anything about a person that they couldn’t change in five minutes. So “there’s something in your teeth” is okay, while “you’re fat” is not. Names are an abstract thing, but they’re usually very permanent—they definitely can’t be changed in five minutes.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] if it’s a name that’s not attached to a person yet, the fact that someone is considering it holds a lot of weight—in their mind, they can imagine it being permanent.
Names might also be “too out there” or different because of cultural/ethnic/class differences, so in some cases critiquing them can sound like intolerance or ignorance.
2. Where is the line between constructive criticism/free speech and “mean”?
I’m gonna answer this question in the context of these forums, because it would take forever to talk about it in a general sense.
I’d say the key word in your question is “constructive.” Does your criticism help the person, ie is it truly constructive? If someone asks about the name [name_f]Astrid[/name_f], it’s a lot more helpful to say “I dislike it because it contains the syllable ‘ass’” than “I dislike it because I once knew a mean girl named [name_f]Astrid[/name_f].” Reply #1 helps the person, because it brings up a real-world concern about the name. #2 doesn’t, because nobody else can relate to it (well, maybe a few other people happen to know a mean [name_f]Astrid[/name_f], but you get the point.)
Other ways to be constructive instead of “mean:”
- To play it safe, focus on the positive. If someone asks for feedback on their list of 6 names and you hate all but 2 of them, just comment, “I like these two best.”
- If you dislike a name, explain why. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t just say “I don’t like it.”
- This is the internet, so no one can tell what tone you’re using—it’s easy to come across as too blunt. Tread carefully.
- When you feel the need to say you dislike a name, qualify that it’s just your opinion. Phrases like “Personally/In my individual opinion,” “It’s not my cup of tea,” and “it’s not my style” can soften your tone and make you sound politer.
- If you need to vent about disliking a name, there are specific threads for that. Alternatively, find a friend and vent to them in private (just make sure it isn’t their fave you’re venting about.)
Of course, some people are going to be offended by negative opinions no matter how politely phrased they are. A while back someone took great offense because I said one of their name options was much better than the other (in a thread where they asked for help to decide specifically that!) All you can do is be as polite as possible, stay in your lane, and apologize if you feel you messed up.
- I think because people get personally attached to names. My name, [name_f]Aurora[/name_f], is very close to my heart and so when people on here say it’s too trendy, too feminine, or ugly in general I do feel a bit of a sting (though I wouldn’t be offended per say.) There some names that I love and feel connected to though they aren’t mine. For instance, [name_m]Grover[/name_m] is a longtime favorite of mine and everybody on this site seems to absolutely hate it. It does not offend me because it’s merely an opinion, but I can understand why someone more sensitive than I would feel hurt or offended if someone told them ‘take that off your list, it’s ugly, old, and has no place being used on a modern day little boy.’ Or ‘I would hate my mother if she named me that!’ (Those are both paraphrases of things that people have said to me concerning [name_m]Grover[/name_m].) And I would feel even WORSE if I was going to name my son that.
If it’s a negative opinion, fine, but it can be said politely and explained rather than shot down. This site is full of people becoming new parents–and that mix of wanting to protect your child and possibly hormones can definitely make you more sensitive! When its someone’s very favorite name and someone else says they hate it, when they were probably considering it for their real life baby, can definitely hurt someone’s feelings. Especially because they are now imagining that this is what their real life child may have to endure on the playground, or they may have to endure upon introducing the name to family.
So–there can be negative opinions, but try not to shoot the names down! EXPLAIN! I think that’s the most important thing, because they may have legitimately not have thought of that possible negative thing and that might turn them off the name, or they as parents that may not bother them as much as it bothers you (I hate the name [name_u]Cruz[/name_u] because of [name_m]Nikolas[/name_m] [name_u]Cruz[/name_u], but will other people care about that connection? Probably not. Or maybe they absolutely will and my mentioning that will turn them off the name too.)
- I think that constructive criticism HAS to be constructive. If someone is mentioning the name of their already born child, it is not constructive to mention that the name makes your skin crawl–they’re not going to change it now, they’ll just feel hurt, and so no construction is to be made there. If someone is saying their own name, or their grandma’s name, or whoever’s name it isn’t constructive to tell them you hate it. It won’t change anything. If someone is set on naming their kid something, you could EXPLAIN something that may be negative, but just saying “I hate it” or “its ugly” isn’t constructive.
As far as free speech, I think that you CAN say what you want, but people can also react negatively to you and say you’re being too harsh. And remember, these are mainly new parents/coming into parenthood so to say something rude is just not right.
So, basically:
“I’m thinking about naming my daughter [name_u]Salem[/name_u]”
Okay >> “Hey! I like the sound of [name_u]Salem[/name_u] but the witch connection is still something most people will think of, and since a lot of people died in [name_u]Salem[/name_u] due to the witch hunts, I think that’s something you should consider. What about [name_u]Saylor[/name_u], [name_u]Sailor[/name_u], or [name_u]Sawyer[/name_u]?”
Not okay >> “[name_m]How[/name_m] could you do that to your poor daughter? That’s an awful name.”
[name_m]Just[/name_m] be respectful and it should be fine. Also, there are certain threads that are specifically for your most hated names (I just made one in the baby name games) so venting there rather then on some suspecting parent’s thread would be much more appropriate.
As far as the closed threads go, when I first joined I was confused as to why some threads were being closed because I didn’t think they were that offensive. And then I saw a thread that started out with just a discussion on why boy names on girls is a trend but girl names on boys is not devolve into someone saying that everyone on this site was caught up in our own problems (it was much more colorful than this) and that we shouldn’t be forcing parents to name their boys girl names (nobody said that) and that we should be talking about girl’s education (though this is a NAMING site, and we were discussing NAMING TRENDS which is perfectly plausible). I quickly learned that moderators here don’t always shut down discussions after they devolve that far, but know enough to predict when they are going to devolve and shut them off before hand. So while it may not seem too bad yet, it will probably escalate and that’s why it is shut down.
I hope that answers your question?
I think it jusy boils down to the difference between pointing out a negative and being negative
“I wouldbt use the name [name_f]Lolita[/name_f] because a history of pedophilia and nyphomamia attached to it”
Would be appropriate but
“Why would you force a poor child to be named that, didn’t you even Google it?!”
Disliking a name is one thing, even thinking it sounds low class or whatever is fine, but attacking someone for liking it is not.
I agree with most that has been said here, especially how your tone can be misunderstood over the Internet. There have been times I’ve left a reply that I crafted carefully so that it didn’t sound snippy, and I saw it again later and thought, “wow, I sound mean.” Then there are people who just say “I hate this name.” Yeah, not constructive. (This is one reason I don’t go on the “rate my signature” thread often. Most of the time people are really nice, but too often people say “I don’t like this name” without explaining any actual problems with it that could help me refine my list.)
Constructive criticism I received on a thread: Pakhi looks a lot like something you hopefully would not want to name a child.
That’s much more helpful than, “Not a fan. Have you considered [name_u]Wren[/name_u] instead?”
When it comes to threads getting closed down, I agree that there are times nothing bad was said, but there are also a lot that needed to be shut down. (The recent thread about it being okay to name your kid [name_m]Lucifer[/name_m] comes to mind. It didn’t go well.)
I think some people overreact to another having a respectfully stated negative opinion, but not too often on NB.
Everyone who posted previously has stated everything much more eloquently than I’m capable of right now, ha. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] this helps a little bit!
I think it’s very much about how you say something. You can comment on the negatives of a name without belittling the person for liking it/asking about it. Comments should always be about the name, not the poster.
I often use phrases such as “I find this name…”, or “in my opinion…”, etc, to emphasis that my comment is simply my personal feelings about a particular name, and not about the poster.
Ok, name bashing is a HUGE pet peeve of mine, so this is likely going to be a very biased response, but here’s my take on it;
I don’t find it mean at all to have a negative opinion - but there’s a way to share your negative opinion with tact, respect and decorum. There’s a big difference between “I don’t like this name” and “that name is stupid” or “I’m not a fan” and “I feel sorry for a child who’s named this”. Some people seem to forget that there’s people attached to these usernames, polls, posts, etc. It makes my blood boil whenever I see 'I feel sorry for your child" or “that name is hideous” comments - you can share your negative opinion without being destructive.
Constructive criticism is along the lines of “Parker feels to masculine for a girl to me” or “Madison for a boy may not be a good idea”. Not “I hate Parker, it sounds hideous” or “a boy named Madison will hate his parents”.
It boils down to having manners and respect for others, really.
As far as the gendering names thread goes - I was the poster who replied about education, and it was in response to someone stating that naming your daughter a boy’s name was essentially a massive issue on the feminist agenda and that it “kept them up at night”, which seriously troubled me. But, c’est la vie.
I like everything that has been said but I think it’s important as well to not only give your opinion kindly and respectfully but only to give it when it’s been asked for. On my own threads as well as many I’ve seen, opinions on names have NOT been asked for and people give them anyways. Doing that is inappropriate and often a recipe for disaster.
Personally, I don’t really like to comment on posts that ask about wearability and “is this suitable for a girl/boy/this culture/these siblings” etc. because I think names are so subjective. Virtually anything goes and everyone has a different perspective of everything. I don’t comment on much actually, especially if I don’t like something. I occasionally encourage people to just do what they love no matter what criticism may come. Names are art. But when I do comment it’s only on things I like or am interested in. I feel like that greatly minimizes the chance of conflict is a great solution to the questions you asked, in addition to what’s already been said.
It’s not considered “mean” to have a negative opinion about a name, but it is considered mean to express that opinion in a tactless, rude way. Nameberry encourages an open community where all opinions are welcome, but as someone else stated, there is a large difference between constructive criticism and unwanted inappropriate comments.
Naming and names is a very personal topic and among passionate berries it’s easy to get carried away. It’s in the nature of name discussions that likely someone will get offended or get their feelings hurt, I like to think as a community, the regulars that is, we all do at least try to express our opinions in a honest but gentle way where possible.
When a comment is written in such a way that it is rude and offensive, often that user will be dealt with individually, and the thread will not be closed entirely. A thread will be closed if the discussion is headed in a downward direction and sure to lead to no good end, but keep in mind any individual user is capable of closing their own threads and just because a thread is locked/closed does not mean it was a Nameberry decision. Also, the moderators of the site are able to read/view edits and deleted posts within threads, just because the reason the thread is locked is not visible doesn’t mean there wasn’t a good reason for the closure.
I think there’s a line between “I don’t like this” (for be this would be [name_u]Skylar[/name_u]), “I don’t think it’s usable” (for me this would be [name_u]Hero[/name_u]) and “this is child abuse” (something like [name_m]Dick[/name_m] for a newborn or the middle name Wiener in [name_u]America[/name_u]).
I feel like some people get these things mixed up when communicating with others, they don’t self-reflect enough to realise that just because they think Brynlynn is horrible, it doesn’t make using it child abuse.
As for constructive criticism it’s really the same as with any other thing you comment on - give a solid, non personal reason and a way to fix it.
I often read comment that simply state “I don’t like it” and I wonder why anybody would do this, how does that help?
I think stating a reason why you feel this way is always necessary so that the op can evaluate wether that’s a reason that would apply to them.
You just reminded me of when I was in high school and one of my teachers was pregnant and had the names [name_f]Lolita[/name_f] and [name_f]Jezebel[/name_f] picked out for a girl. I was appalled, but felt it wasn’t my place as a student to express my dislike of those names because of negative connotations/concern for the kid. (IIRC the teacher did indeed name her daughter [name_f]Jezebel[/name_f]…)
If it’s for a real baby that someone you know is expecting, at least be nice about it and give constructive criticism. My grandma tells me she loudly expressed her dislike of my brother’s name when my mum was expecting him, and I doubt she appreciated it very much. I think once the child is born and the naming is done it’s too late, can’t convince them any more and it was their choice, not yours.