My thirteen year old sister is coming to live with us. I’m 23, so I’ve never raised a teenager. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. So, I’m asking for advise on raising a teenager. Thanks 
I haven’t raised a teenager yet, but I vividly remember being one. If it were me, I think I’d try to think back to those years and remember what made me feel respected and content (e.g., when my dad notice I acting responsibly and say something supportive and affirming about that) versus what made me feel otherwise (when my mom randomly accused me of having illegal substances because she “could smell it in [my] sock drawer”–this was hilarious because I’d never so much as seen said-substance in real life, and the dresser was a hand-me-down from her.)
My aunt claims that, with teens, it’s all about frequent discussions and providing (limited) choices. Middle school/junior high is a very rough time for most people. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t take it personally if she is sometimes really moody and hormonal, as many of us were as young teens.
Good luck and remember that nobody has all the answers.
I have taught that aged girls for a while… 13 year old girls are quite a party
[name_m]Set[/name_m] boundaries from the beginning. She’ll try to push them, and you have to be firm with your expectations of her. Your house, you set the rules.
Give her responsibilities that are manageable for her, but also things that she’ll feel accomplished for doing. Perhaps taking care of [name_f]Persephone[/name_f] at certain times of the day? Washing dishes or clearing up the living room floor from toys? She may not like it at first, but she’ll feel like she’s pulling her load in the family, and kids that age deeply like knowing that what they do matters. It will make her more responsible, and she may surprise you by wanting to contribute even more.
I’d set a specific time and place for doing homework. It’s going to be annoying to keep on top of that for her, but ultimately, if she’ll be living with you, you’re the one who will have to do everything to encourage her to have her schoolwork done.
Encourage healthy eating. It’s such an important thing for her right now. Have the right types of foods in the house for her, and ask for her input about foods that she likes.
Be a good role model. That’s probably the most important thing. Adolescents can smell inconsistency very well, and she’ll know that you’re being a hypocrite as soon as you try.
Boundaries. Make sure she knows where she is welcome to be located in your place (is she allowed in your bedroom?) and until what times at night.
Compliment her. It’ll make her feel so good to be liked and wanted around.
Monitor who her friends are, who she’s bringing home. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t be shy to question her about friends who make you uncomfortable, or who you think would be an awful influence on her. Always in a nice and casual way. As long as you’re sincere in explaining why you think this friendship is dangerous, she’ll understand the sentiment that you care, and may take some of it to heart.
Make sure she showers regularly, wears deodorant, and wears clean clothing. That’s basic, but major. Some middle schoolers are really lazy about that.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] any of this was helpful… Good luck!!
Thank you both. She’s a really good kid for her age (isn’t even currently interested in dating) and makes good grades. She is lazy with her bathing and homework, likes to put them both off till the last minute. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though this is all basic things I should know and remember from my teenage years, I think my brain is dead from all the stress and sudden responsibility. I went from having a 15 month old to have a 15 month old and a teenager. :eek:
Thanks again. I’d love to hear more of you chime in.
Okay, so I can’t give parenting advice as I’m only 23 myself. But I do regularly look after my 11 yr old sister, and my 15 yr old sister-in-law, and just a few months ago my [name_m]SIL[/name_m] stayed with us for 2 weeks whilst her parents were away.
Besides making sure she eats right, goes to bed etc, and all those basic things, the thing I found the most helpful and the most constructive, was to treat both my sister, and sister in law, as adults. I talk to them as I would to any adult, and I don’t baby them at all. I set a few rules, but I trust them as they are good kids. I encourage them to help me with cooking, and they are in charge of their washing. It’s not like I’m bossing them around, I treat them as equals and they treat me the same way. When my [name_m]SIL[/name_m] came to stay, I didn’t set a bedtime. And she went to bed by 10, herself every single night, and was up by 8am (it was school holidays).
I definitely have more of a friendship type role with both girls, opposed to a parent role, but speaking freely with them, encourages them to do so with me.
I don’t really have anything to add, except, just love her. She will notice and respond. [name_m]Foster[/name_m] whatever relationship you currently have with her by showing genuine interest in her life, feelings, and well being.
And don’t forget to thank your hubby, if you have one. Mine dotes on my siblings, and would take them in in a heartbeat, but I appreciate that not all men feel the same about children who are not biologically their own.
It’s a wonderful thing you are doing. [name_f]May[/name_f] it be a blessing to all involved!
I think others have offered such great advice! : )
I especially agree that you need to make certain that there are boundaries and expectations from the beginning, if you try to set them later it’ll be a challenge.
Wishing you and your hubby the best of luck as you parent a 13 year old and precious [name_f]Persephone[/name_f]! : )
First and foremost, Dantea, what you’re doing is incredible and I applaud you for taking on the responsibility. I know it wasn’t your plan and she’s family; but still it’s a big deal.
I have a female cousin who has lived with as on and of throughout her teenage years. She’s now sixteen. I haven’t read all the responses thoroughly, so I apologies if I repeat anything.
Like many said, it’s so important at that age to feel valued and wanted. The move is probably making her wonder about this a little at the moment too. Monitor her homework a little, ask if she needs a hand occasionally or if she has homework for that evening. Then do a weekly check of her school planner/diary for homework stamps or what-not. If she lies to you about homework or you receive communication from the school regarding this issue, introduce penalties like no computer or phone time for a week. It may be a good idea to also inform the school briefly of the situation and if you have concerns about her not keeping up with work message her teacher. My brother avoids his homework, to the point where my parents are now aware -thanks to his teachers -of all the upcoming assessments. That way it’s unavoidable. My cousin also avoids dealing with hygiene, just creating a routine time and reminding her of the importance of it all, it may seem mundane but it takes some kids a while to get used to. The final thing I’d say is be open to talking about anything and everything. My Mum never shied away from those often deemed “icky” topics but that really helped in the long run. If she wants to talk to you about sex etc. my Mum had a wonderful philosophy, “It’s not dirty and it’s not yuck. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if sometimes the conversations are uncomfortable to bring up, it’s important to talk about things.” And if for any reason she doesn’t want to speak to you, I’d recommend maybe an online teen counseling site, if things ever get too much.
I hope that helps, I am sure it’ll be an adjustment for us all, but if you all work together it’ll go well. Lots of love to you all!
Others have givewn great advice. I have not parented a teenager, but I have worked a lot with at-risk teenagers in residential settings, so here’s what I’ve learned.
- BOUNDARIES. It’s really important in their teenage years. Stick to your guns on whatever boundaries you set. I don’t imagine you being very strict, and that’s great, because teens need freedom and privacy, but STRUCTURE (especially during the transition period) and a few rules are really important to enforce.
The homework thing is tricky. my parents scheduled a quiet time every night where there was no tv or distractions, and they would read or work on business stuff. We did this with the kids at the shelter also, and it seems to be pretty effective. We would all have an hour of quiet time in the same general area so that if the kids needed help they knew we were there to help.
As for showering, if she wants to be grungy, I say whatever. It’s really not that unhygienic to go a few days or even a week without showering. I hated bathing at that age, too, and my parents never made an issue of it. It self-corrected when I was 14 or 15. If you’re worried, though, perhaps when you’re at the store you can let her pick out some “fancy” bath products. [name_m]Even[/name_m] today, I feel much more inclined to shower if it’s an experience I look forward to because of the feeling that I’m pampering myself, and it’s not such a chore.
Another really important thing is to make her feel welcome with [name_f]Persephone[/name_f]. Teach her about taking care of baby the right way and if she shows interest in helping out with taking care of her, jump on it! [name_f]Teah[/name_f] her anything she’s interested in - cooking, greek, etc.
Chores are good to have, but I think at that age it can be a lot better to let them choose which chores they want to do and show/teach them how to do chores they struggle with (Who knows why, but as a teen I always wanted to clean the bathrooms rather than pretty much any other chore - now I hate it, lol). A lot of the kids I worked with hated cleaning their rooms, and I realized that it was because they felt overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. So We’d put on their favorite music and I’d help walk them through it, taking one corner or area at a time until it was done. Same thing for any other chores that they seem to be really resistant to - at that age they generally hate admitting they don’t really know where to begin to tackle a task.
You’re doing an awesome thing! You’ll be great and you’ll figure this all out. One of the BEST things about teenagers is their great capacity for complex emotions - if you relate to that and explain how you feel about things and why, I bet she’ll be really receptive. This is a really good age to learn that failure and mistakes aren’t the end of the world, and we ALL make them.
BE CONSISTENT. Whatever you say you will do, do. Actions are more important than words to teens! Teenage years can be so random and unstable, so having a guardian be consistent really helps. Demonstrate responsibility and try to surround yourself with other adults your age who make good life choices (work hard at their job whatever it might be, spend money wisely, treat their friends and strangers nicely, etc.). You’ll never be “mom,” and it will be a nightmare to be the “cool friend” type of guardian/older sister. But by seeing you be consistent from the very start, she can feel secure in the home environment and it will help her feel like she can come to you with problems. If she sees inconsistency in your behavior or tell her to follow rules you don’t follow yourself, she won’t take you seriously.
I feel for you because you’re still young yourself! I hope it works out and that you are able to provide her love and care while also taking care of yourself. Best of luck.