I’m curious what your tolerance is of rough house play. My kids are not rough; we teach them to be gentle and kind and not overly physical with each other. As my four year old is making more friends and playing with her similar ages cousins a lot I’m noticing that we are very much in the minority. Most of the kids (my own nieces and nephews included) are incredibly physical. Wrestling, jumping on each other, colliding into each other out of nowhere, just always engaged in some physical and rough play. Their parents are not phased but it really troubles me. My daughter engages in some of it when she’s with them but looks scared and shocked half the time. I’m worried she will get hurt and also concerned what she is learning from it as we teach her so differently than that. I have let her handle most of it on her own because I know when she gets to school she will encounter this anyway but I’m not always sure of the best approach. What I want to do is tell the other kids to knock it off! But, not my kids or my place.
So, what is your tolerance level for this type of play? Anyone experience their child being the gentle one in a sea of roughness?
I don’t have kids yet as i’m due with my first in a couple of months… Personally though, i see nothing wrong with a bit of rough and tumble play. My brothers and I grew up play fighting and we’re very close now. I bowed out of this kind of play of my own accord when I was probably about 10-12 or so as by then they were both bigger and stronger than me so it wasn’t fun anymore. [name_m]Even[/name_m] now my brothers (now aged 31 & 26) will occassionally end up rolling around having a play fight - it’s so funny.
There are times to be gentle as kids, like with animals or books etc, but there’s also room for rough play too and i know my husband can’t wait till [name_m]Dominic[/name_m] is old enough to roll around on the floor :). It’s a balance i hope to teach him as i think there are really valuable life lessons to be learned from both types of play.
P.S. Alzora - just watched the video you suggested - totally agree with everything he said, that’s kinda what i was getting at when i mentioned ‘valuable life lessons’, but he was much more articulate than me
@alzora… Thanks for the link. There were some interesting ideas referenced however the whole video was from the point of view of a parent (father actually) rough housing with the child. I think it’s adorable when my husband plays around with my kids like that but I’m talking about other children and my children. A parent knows where to set boundaries, these other kids i am referencing are 3-6 years old and don’t understand boundaries or consequences of physical rough housing yet.
So while I can see the possible (though [name_f]IMO[/name_f] overstated in the clip) positive sides of a parent playing with a child in this manner, I still feel like the physical play I have seen between children crosses a line that I am not comfortable with.
My 3, for all my trying to teach them to be gentle and to not hurt each other, love rough-housing. They are between 3-7 years old so play together alot and it gets a bit crazy. We try and set boundaries so no one gets hurt. We also have the added issue that my DS2 has SPD, so doesn’t have good coordination, balance or spatial/body awareness.
We try to talk about how the little one isn’t as strong and her big brothers need to be gentler with her, same goes for when they play with other children. We talk about reading other kids’ body language and listening to what they say, if someone says no or starts to get upset it’s time to stop or step away. This is something my DS2 struggles with so we talk about it alot.
There are some things we don’t accept: for example hitting, kicking and jumping on each other. We also talk about appropriate times and places to play and when they should keep their hands/feet to themselves. And when I or their father says ‘that’s enough’ they have to stop.
With boys it seems inevitable, as soon as they started nursery the other boys taught them to jump on each other and try karate moves. We just try and teach them how to deal with it in a way that they and others don’t get hurt. My eldest also did karate for a while and they spoke alot about not using the moves to hurt other people. It’s a constant uphill struggle, but hopefully they’re learning from it. And yes, we have bumps and tears at times, but again it’s a chance to learn, I guess.
@malk, thank you for that response. It completely makes sense that siblings will roughhouse play it is expected. Maybe the reason it seems foreign to me is my girls are 2 and 4 and haven’t reached that stage yet. It’s the 6 year old cousins, mainly, that initiate the play that is bothersome to me. I know there are some lessons to be learned through it all, I suppose its just new and a learning experience for both my kids and myself.
My girls are 3 and 10. I gently roughhouse with them on the floor, and the girls will roughhouse together, gently. [name_f]Jessica[/name_f] will go lie down on the floor in the hall and invite [name_f]Jemima[/name_f] to come play. I think it is nice to see them playing together, and it usually ends with [name_f]Jemima[/name_f] getting her blanket and the two of them cuddling. My husband is older and does not engage in any active play with the girls at all.
My son is all about “wrestling” as he calls it. But we try to keep it gentle and on beds or floors. And because they do have physical play like this at his daycare, he has learned how to play gently with younger children.
It’s all about teaching them and not letting them become little monsters with no respect for physical boundaries.
My 1.5 year old is a pretty physical kid. I think it’s part nature and part nurture. I never really ran to her when she would stumble or reacted to her falls. As a result she grew used to picking herself up and moving on. I never step in if a friend on the playground accidentally knocks her down or if she knocks someone down accidentally. I’ve never had a situation where anyone has knocked into her on purpose but I suppose I would step in if the child in question outsized her & was bullying as she is too young to stand up for herself. I think that minor scrapes can be a learning experience and it is sometimes challenging to hold back, but I allow my daughter to try to climb things that I know she can’t climb, try things I can foresee resulting in falls. I think a lot of mom’s of boys tend to do this in an attempt to “toughen them up”, but I haven’t met many mom’s of girls who do…and I’ve met plenty of mom’s of boys who hover & coddle!
They say that there are “free range” parents & “helicopter” parents, but I haven’t looked into either philosophy. I guess I am kind of both because my eyes are never off of my daughter, but I make the conscious decision to stand back and let her learn and play as I believe kids should.
@Vitamom, you bring up valid points. I don’t have time right now to read through everyone else’s input, but I wanted to respond to your perspective on the video. You’re right that parent-child rough housing is much different than a pack of children tumbling around. It seems to me that the example needs to be set at home, and parents (usually daddies) need to teach the children how rough is too rough. My husband has successfully taught our two-year-old Wheaten terrier how to rough house without crossing the line (though naturally the dog occasionally slips up), so I have confidence that children can be taught the same from a very young age IF they are given CLEAR instruction. As for a group of children who haven’t been taught appropriate rough housing at home, I think it is likely that someone is going to get an eye poked out. I mean on the one hand, rough housing with peers seems completely natural and even litters of puppies tumble all over each other. But litters of puppies are generally around the same size, whereas a group of children might contain a frail little girl and a hefty boy who could really hurt her. I do understand your concern. I’d hate to see you keep your daughter on the sidelines, but for the sake of safety–and to prevent her from picking up on their habits–it may be necessary until her peers are old enough to comprehend basic safety measures.
I recently went back to my hometown and realised just how violent country kids are. I was kicked in the shins twice and one was so hard I could hardly walk by a five your old and had a six year old try to bash me up. My mum does family daycare and finds most of the kids in my town very violent and that they don’t know when to stop. But a bit of rough play is good they just need to know when to stop.
I don’t have kids of my own so I feel a little silly giving advice… but… esp if the other kids are family members I think you shouldn’t feel that it isn’t “your place” to stop them from rough-housing too much. Maybe it’s just my SO’s family but during family reunions parents expect their children to be reprimanded and praised by everyone alike. I can’t count the number of times in the past three years I’ve pulled of of their kids aside and told them they needed to apologize to their cousin for accidentally breaking their sand castle, hitting them with a shovel, or splashing ocean water in their face. All the kids are treated the same regardless if they are 2 or 7. At first I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything because they aren’t even my in-laws but…
I guess the ideal is this - talk to the parents about what is acceptable to you. Esp if your kids are younger and/or smaller than the other kids. This way parents are responsible for letting their kids know that they need to be gentler etc. That way if you feel your kids are being overwhelmed (I’m sure you know exactly what that looks like whether it be physically or emotionally) you can very politely step in and remind the other kid that your kids don’t rough-house like that and give them a choice of a gentler and equally fun activity to do together.
I feel like rough-housing is important but it’s sometimes hard to figure out when enough is enough. As a by-stander if often feels like it inevitably ends with someone in tears -> either because they really did get hurt or because they are tired/frustrated. Esp when your in the middle of it, it’s hard to know when to stop. (I feel like that problem never goes away it just turns into not knowing when to stop drinking or when to stop being a dare-devil or …)
I wanted to add that you should speak up in these situations. I generally raise my daughter differently than it sounds like you do and I think that rough play is good in it’s own way, but if you disagree or think your daughter is in danger or just uncomfortable you should for sure speak up. You are her only advocate in these situations. I also think that not speaking up to avoid confrontation will only result in you growing resentful & your daughter learning by your example that instead of speaking our mind & putting our differences in opinion out in the open we should quietly stew. I would straight up say in hearing distance of the child’s parents, “You kids are really rough! I think _____ is getting a little overwhelmed by all of this rough stuff cause we keep in gentle & nonviolent at our house!” at this point either the mom of the ruffians will step in or say some “boys will be boys” crap or she will be the one with her mouth shut silently stewing for the rest of the get together. Either way, you will have said your peace & taught your daughter to speak her mind when she feels uncomfortable which is [name_f]IMO[/name_f] the most important thing to instill in girls!
My kids are both pretty rough. My son has a lot of trouble stopping when necessary but if we didn’t allow him to roughhouse at all then I think he’d spend half the time we see other kids in time out. He typically isn’t trying to hurt anyone but it’s really how he plays. He’s not a sit still sort of kid. When things start looking like they’re getting out of hand we offer reminders or remove him from the situation. If he hurts anyone he goes in time out. My daughter is only one but she also enjoys it and giggles a lot although since she’s pretty young it tends to end with her getting hurt. Usually not severely and she recovers after a moment.
That’s not speaking up though. That’s being immature and passive aggressive. If you have a problem with something, then be an adult and go talk to the other parent. Making snide comments within hearing distance isn’t setting a good example for your child, it’s teaching them to act like a bratty mean girl.
I allow rough housing and my boys love it. However, its only fun when everyone is having fun. If your child is uncomfortable, teach her to say so. Have her say “No, I don’t like that”. If they don’t listen have her come get you. [name_f]Every[/name_f] child has the right to say they don’t like something. Its actually an important thing to teach all children to help protect them from grown ups that would harm them - if something makes your child uncomfortable teach her to say so and find someone she trusts. This could be an innocent and relatively safe way to teach an important lesson.
@ebenezer.scrouge - You stated, “I recently went back to my hometown and realised just how violent country kids are.”
Wow, I am so sorry that that has been your experience. I live in the “country” a rural town in the Southwest United States, and if anything kids who grow up in the “country” tend to be more respectful. Have I seen rough housing from “country” children? The answer would be yes, but it was never to the point of it being inappropriate. And, in the town I live in I have seen adults get onto children (who weren’t theirs) and ask them to stop any bad behavior and almost every single time the child stops immediately, even though the adult that asked them to stop is not their parent/guardian, teacher, or relative. I just say this because while you were speaking from your own personal experience, I do not think it’s appropriate to label all “country” kids as violent.
@jtucker, its not too bad we were on an oval and the parents tend to turn a blind eye at these sorts of occasions. Keep in mind I’m fourteen and I was stirring them up because it is fun. These kids are all under the age of 10 boarding school should make them better in a few years
@taz, that is not the way I have handled things. I do speak
Up because the majority of kids in question are family so I’m not worried about offending people. But I would NEVER says you are getting too rough for my daughter… That would single her out and make her feel awful! I tell the kids they need to calm down or take it easy all the time. I don’t have it in me not to! It’s like an instinct to react and tell them to calm down or take it easy, if my child were there or not.
@pansy, yes I talked to the parents about my concerns and they will curb their kids a bit at my house but otherwise they don’t. It comes down to a different way of doing things and different comfort levels of what is acceptable. I think some of it has been good for my daughter to learn our way is not the only way and she does back away when they get too rough… Usually. But she gets caught in it at other times and I feel badly because its just not her personality to be so rough.
@alzora, keeping her away from it is nearly impossible. These are her cousins and very best friends that she is so thrilled to see so I could not keep her away. When I ask her afterward about the play she never says its too rough, I think for fear I might keep her out of it. At my own house I keep them from going upstairs in the bedroom because that is where they go nuts…
At other houses the other parents are happy when the kids go upstairs bc they are out of the way. Sigh… It’s a parenting conflict.
I’m not completely opposed to some roughhouse play, I just feel like the play I’m seeing is overboard and I guess I’m try into get perspective on what others feel is overboard or acceptable. Thanks for everyone that’s responded so far, very interesting.
