I totally get this and we are not even done yet, as I have already had to say goodbye to some. I call them my alternate universe babies. I had one when I was team green and my first came out diagnosis male. I was so excited as I got to use the name I had seriously always wanted to use, but also devastated that I didn’t get to use my off-the-wall girl’s choice that doesn’t feel like it could have been any other baby but the one that I would have had right then had he been a girl. I couldn’t bring myself to use it again despite my undying love for it.
We just adopted my second child and kept the name his birthmother chose for him. We love it. But in the adoption process we were considered for 15 babes over 18 months before him. I still think about using my unusable names to “name” each of those babies myself at some point. It could help me with the grief over the unrealized possibilities that didn’t come to exist, both in real life (those babies did not join our family) and in the imagined realm (all those names that have gotten away because my partner doesn’t like them or they wouldn’t fit with our sibset now).
One thing that hugely helped me after my first was writing a fake birth announcement for the forums here using the name we didn’t use. I never posted it, but I should. I still have it in a Google doc. It would actually be a better post now that we can tag users as I thanked those who had instilled in me the confidence to actually USE the name I loved.