My mum is 45 and is already a mother to 5 children (aged 28, 27, 18, 16 and 14) but she says she isn’t finished having children. I know she is passionate about having children however I think she’s getting too old to even try to conceive another child. I understand that it’s her own decision but it makes me cringe to think that I’ll be 27 years older than my youngest sibling and they’ll be born an aunt/uncle already. She says she doesn’t want to adopt/foster which is her decision but even adopting would be better than having another biological child.
Is it bad for me to think this? Should I tell her my feelings? [name_m]How[/name_m] do I tell her?
Is your mom married or in a committed relationship? If so, how does your mother’s partner feel about this? If the partner is against having more children, or if your mother is single, it might not be too much of an issue to worry about. Another factor is your mother’s health. Not to get too personal here, but your mother is around the age of reaching menopause, which would completely end the idea of giving birth again. My mom started to go through pre-menopause at 40, so it really can hit at any time.
I think you have very, very valid concerns here. Beyond the feelings of it being odd to be so much older than a newborn sibling, there are also risks associated with any pregnancy, especially those of women of high maternal age. It doesn’t sound like your mom would listen to you if you talked to her about risks, but I guess that isn’t a surprise. Honestly…I don’t think there is much you can say to her. It sounds like you’ve shared your piece with her before, but that’s about it. You likely can’t get her to change her mind. Maybe once your youngest is born, you can see if she would like to help out around the house/with the older kids, and maybe that will help her to see how tiring newborns can be…if her youngest is 14, then it’s definitely been a long time for her to have forgotten the stress of having little ones!
You might just have to “wash your hands” of the situation and let it play out how it will. It sucks, but I’m speaking from my personal experience, so take it how you will. My mom started going through a midlife crisis a couple of years ago…broke up her nearly-20-year marriage, moved, started dating countless men that she met online, alienated every one of her 5 children (her husband has been a jerk to us all and she takes his side each time…she actually called me the devil one time, when I called her out on that), quit her stable job for one she wasn’t happy with, got plastic surgery, and got remarried. [name_f]Every[/name_f] single day of dealing with her has been sooooooooo stressful. I ended up distancing myself from her and figured that she is an adult and can lie in whatever bed she makes for herself. It sounds harsh, but I couldn’t be her mother. We are on better terms now, but distance is still there, for a reason. Not the same as your situation, I know, but…take it how you will.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this! The hard part about being someone’s adult daughter is that they sometimes act like the child and you have to act like the parent. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right.
My mother feels the same way, so you are not alone.
I don’t have the kind of relationship with my mother that would allow me to openly speak my mind on her reproductive choices, however, if you do have it and she is open to listening to her adult children, with tact and boundaries you could just ask her if the risks and complications outweight the benefits, not only for herself but for the baby.
Hopefully she’ll take it as an invitation to get informed, to talk to her doctor and evaluate her other choices with more attention (foster care and adoption as you mentioned, or even caring for children as an assistant in a day care).
Of course it is her choice, and I would advise anyone in this situation to welcome a sibling regardless, and to be as graceful and compassionate about it as possible. All you can do is to offer her a chance to reconsider, and also to expose her reasons to you.
My husband is 16 and 19 years older than his sisters, and all things considered, it doesn’t seem so awful once the children arrive and the family dynamic adjusts itself. It can actually be pretty great, so in the end, after talking to your mother all you can do is hope and pray for the best.
@namergirl3 - I’m so sorry you had to go through that with your mum! My mum moved in with her ‘new’ fiancé about 6 years ago and he’s about 10 years younger than her and definitely wants a child. I hate the thought of having such an age gap between my youngest sibling and me, it seems so odd. I’d still love the child but it’d be like loving a niece/nephew, not a sibling if you get what I mean? I’ll try to talk to her but she’ll only go and get pregnant to spite me and my older brother.
@tricolor - I’ll try to talk to her about everything. It seems she does everything to spite my older brother and I. I feel as if I’m the one going crazy about this rather than her. Mums are so annoying sometimes!
I’d be surprised if she could successfully naturally conceive at 45. But if she does, then I guess you’ve gained an extra niece or nephew type sibling!
In my family, due to various remarriages, we have siblings who have a 22 year age gap and several of my cousins were babysat by their nieces or nephews - we’re not big on keeping generations in understandable limits! I do understand why it would feel really weird, but to me it seems fairly normal so it’s hard to see it as something someone wouldn’t want.
I also know a family where the eldest is 26, married with 3 kids, and his youngest brother (and possibly not last sibling) was born last month. In their family, again, it is more normal. Whereas I get the impression that this would be a new thing for your family.
Frankly, I’m not sure it’s worth worrying about as chances of conception are really low, and also I’m not sure talking to her would help - it sounds like actually you being really for the idea might put her off more than you being against it!
I think she needs to consider potential issues. At 45 her chance of having a child with Down Syndrome is significant, which may be why there’s also a higher risk of miscarriage for older women. I would also talk with her about who would take care of her child in the situation that something happens to her or if the child ends up special needs and requires lifelong care. Is she assuming you or her other children will be taking care of this child?
I feel the same way. I mean, im only 15 and im the youngest. [name_m]Ive[/name_m] got to sisters, [name_f]Melissa[/name_f] (25) and [name_f]Megan[/name_f] (20) and a brother [name_m]Joseph[/name_m] (17) and a couple years back when i was like 13 my mum wanted another baby.
I told her how i felt even at 13. I mean I already had a nephew, [name_m]Liam[/name_m] who is 5 now. I thought it was so cringy. My mum listen to me though.
Now shes says that shes just gonna stick to her grandkids because my sister just had babh [name_f]Olivia[/name_f] two weeks ago.
What I’m trynna say is, I think you should tell her.