[name_f]My[/name_f] middle name, [name_f]Frances[/name_f], is my grandmother’s name. I do not like the name but she died a few years ago and I think my mom would be very angry if I changed it along with my first name. Also, my first name comes from my mom’s middle name and her aunt’s middle name. They don’t talk anymore but I think she may be upset about me changing my name anyway. [name_f]My[/name_f] questions are:
Should I change my name anyway?
Should I drop my middle name, [name_f]Frances[/name_f]?
I think, at the end of the day it is your name, it’s the name that you have and it’s a part of your identity.
Have you had a conversation with your mum about this? She may feel differently if she understands why you would like to change your first and middle names.
You can still have a special connection with your grandma (if you’d like that), I don’t think changing your middle name diminishes that.
I don’t see the conversation going well with my mom. She tends to get defensive and she’s an extremely dramatic person. I have tried to explain other things to her before and she can’t get past her own views.
I agree wholeheartedly with Sol. At risk of assuming, it sounds as if she has trouble with change and relinquishing control.
I wouldn’t recommend compromising with something as important as changing your own name, especially for anyone who behaves this way! It’s a name you’ll wear the rest of your life, and you are the one who has to wear it. If you want to change your name then yes, absolutely go through with it.
If you dislike Frances, take the opportunity to choose something you love and are proud of! This sounds like a difficult situation, and I hope you’re satisfied with whatever you choose
Were you close to your grandmother?
Personally, my middle is after an older relative who I’m very close to - I’m not a fan of the name but really love the person so I could never see myself changing it (personally I’d be ok with adding a second middle though). But if I wasn’t extremely close to them I’d probably be ok with changing it.
Have you considered two middles?
Ultimately it is your decision.
Totally your decision! Also, even if you do drop your middle name, would your mom have to know? In my experience, middle names are hardly ever talked about, but it may be different for you.
She helped raise my parents with my brother and I because she and my mom were close. But I didnt speak to her the last few years of her life. They both smoothered me and I was very sheltered to the point that I didn’t make my first friend until I went away to college.
It’s your name and your life - you’ve got to feel happy and comfortable with it, so yes, if you want to and believe it will make you happier
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you want to be named after your grandmother? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you want to honour her in some way through your name? Would you consider doing two middles - [new first name] [new middle] [name_f]Frances[/name_f] - or another nod to [name_f]Frances[/name_f] (Essie, [name_u]Frankie[/name_u], [name_f]Francine[/name_f], [name_u]Fran[/name_u]. [name_f]Francesca[/name_f], [name_m]Farley[/name_m], [name_f]Freya[/name_f], [name_m]Ferris[/name_m], Fenna) or a nod to you grandmother (like her middle, if you prefer it, something she loved etc?) It might be worth keeping if you’re happy to have your grandmother honoured in your name, just to avoid any further upset, but again, it all comes down to what would make you happy with your name
Rambling thoughts: Names are such a big part of identity - I think you’re entitled to change it anytime and in any circs really. If my daughter hated her name for a non trivial amount of time, I would be open to helping her change it even if saddened me - obviously once she’s older she could do it without my help! I’d hope she’d keep her name in the middle spot and move her actual middles (one of which is [name_f]Frances[/name_f], lol) or at least one of them - but I would have to explain to her why I was attached to it, it couldn’t just be “because I’m your mother and I chose it”. I’d also hope she would explain it to me in a way that I really heard and respected - but wasn’t just blank defiance from her. But I see from what you’re saying (am only going off this post only) that those conversations are fraught and you’re trying to differentiate for bigger reasons.
Would you be open (for strategic reasons) to pushing them both into middles (which aren’t really used) or is it critical that they’re both changed? Could you merge your current first and middle into a new middle/smoosh? [name_u]Or[/name_u] would that make things worse? (I personally love [name_f]Frances[/name_f] anyway - and [name_f]Francine[/name_f], [name_f]Franny[/name_f] and Francy, but that’s not the point.)
Either way, if you’re deeply certain about this, I wouldn’t wait too long to change your name, use a change of college/workplace/city/country/birthday to get it started. I wish I’d changed mine when I had the chance - too late now. No parental pressure not to, but I just hesitated and now wouldn’t be able to enforce it - people around me would think it was a midlife crisis - wish had made the change before 25 (and pushed first name into middle name spot)!
I am considering keeping my middle name and possibly just having it as a second middle name but I hate my first name and theres a stupid name some members of my family called me because the first two letters are the same as my first name and they thought it was funny that I didnt like it. I am over 25 but i dont think its too late because I plan to move in the next year and change my name when I move because the state I will move to doesn’t require an ad in the paper before I can change my name. In the state I cirrently live in, I would have to pay to advertise my request for a name change for 6 weeks and in case anyone wants to protest my request.
As someone who has changed my name legally- yes, to #1 and #2, do it. Like most people who consider doing so, the regret is only in how long they waited to do it. I think the reality that youre openly asking for strangers opinions is a sign this is something you want but the people around you are/will be unsupportive. You arent worried about changing your name, your worried about how your mother/relatives will treat you because of it. I’m sorry that is the situation you find yourself in, it would have been mine too but along with finding the self confidence to fill out the paperwork I recentered the courage to change the relationships I had with those people at the same time. If they are unhappy about your name, let it be their problem and not yours. Everyone, including you, deserves basic respect and autonomy- that includes your name and how others address you. If anyone, especially your mother cant treat you with that basic respect, you need to have the self respect to leave the situation. If that means ending a phone call, leaving the room, moving out, moving states, not picking up calls or going full no-contact… then thats what you should do for yourself. Changing your name is not disowning anyone or disrespecting anyone else but their reaction may result in that if they cant find acceptance. Its not your fault, but it is your choice.
Nobody around me now cares if or that I ever used a different name. Surrounding yourself with unhealthy people doesnt leave much room for healthy relationships- I am so grateful I made space for the people in my life now! Few people even know because it doesnt come up often, but my partner and I are expecting our first child and trying to find names with complete exceptance that they may choose to change it if it doesnt suit them. (We even considered not choosing a name “American Princess” style and letting them choose a legal name when they are old enough… but that can be tricky.) We are working on choosing a new family surname however, as we think sharing a surname has advantages and both of us have unhealthy family linked to our current surnames so neither make us feel good… choosing a new surname feels infinitely harder than a first or middle name! (If your mom gets upset, remind her shes lucky you only want to change those two names and not all of it!)
Thsnk you for your insight. I dont know anyone else who has chamfef their name so I appreciate what you have said. I have friends and some family who will call me whatever I want to be called thankfully.
[name_f]May[/name_f] I ask how did you decide on your first name?
Gosh that’s quite archaic, having to put your request out to public review! It sounds like you have a solid plan to avoid that, and 25 just a random number really, but just to say easier in your 20s - afterwards, it rypvially takes a huge change of context and a lot of training of others etc, more awkward and annoying! I wish you the best with it - and courage and conviction moving forward!
