Sibling spacing in larger families

Parentberries
1

I am quite interested in sibling spacing and family dynamics, and have done some research into it. However, most research focuses on spacing of just two siblings, occasionally three- I am curious of how many years difference is best in a set of four or more children.

As there seem to be quite a few people on here with larger families, I am curious to hear about your experiences and thoughts on this. I would be interested in points of view from both parents and the children themselves (those of you who grew up in larger families).

Also, would you reccomend larger families? If so, what do you think is the best number?

And finally, to those of you who overthink these things like me, if you could design your future family, how many, what spacing and gender order would you choose? (and names of course if you have picked them out!!)

2

I have four children, two boys and then twin girls. My oldest son is 14 months older than his brother. My second son is 18 months older than the girls. I think that close spacing in families is best. My oldest son has never really been jealous because he was to young to realise that he wasn’t the center of attention any more. He and his brother are very close. Mostly the difficulty with small age gaps that I have found, is keeping the babies safe from the older children because at 14 or 18 months they don’t realise that they can harm the baby. They are just curious and will go up to them and slap them not because they want to hurt them but that is the stage of motor development that they are at. I strongly recommend large families for many reasons. For one thing it is a lot of fun! I also believe that it is important to both God and to society to raise as many good children as you can. We think we will end up having somewhere between 7-9 children. I like the close spacing and plan to continue it with out future children.

3

We are a mixed family(meaning I have step-children), but we are 9, 6, 4 and 2. The 9, 6 and 2 year olds are my fiance’s children, the 4 year old is mine - I like the spacing, personally, but my fiance says he prefers them closer together because they are more in line developmentally with each other. Right now, the 9 and 4 year old are boys and the 4 year old gets frustrated because he can’t play with the toys meant for the 9 year old or really do things the other kids can. (like certain games and activities).

4

I don’t have children, but my brother and I are 5 years apart and I felt like we grew up like two only children. We are very close now, but growing up we were so far apart in everything, that both he and I felt like we missed out on the childhood experience of having a sibling.

I plan to have mine closer together when the time comes.

5

I don’t have children yet, in the future I would like a large family 5+ children, I think I would like them quite close together as there is an age gap of three years between me and my sister and we get on very very well and are extremely close, whereas my half-brother who is 10/11 years my senior hasn’t had that bond with me. I would like a gap of about two years between my first two, then smaller gaps if possible between the rest until the last, where I would like a gap of about three years between my last but one and final baby. I’d prefer to have boys (I find the names easier!) but really, any healthy baby would be a blessing. :slight_smile:

6

I’m the eldest of 5. There are 21 months between me and my sister, then 13 between her and my brother, 2 1/2 years between him and my youngest sister and another 2 years between her and my youngest brother. I love being part of a large family and the fact we are all fairly close in age. It was very hard work for my Mum though (especially because my youngest brother has Down Syndrome)
I have 2 girls already and I’m pregnant with baby number 3, [name]Elizabeth[/name] and [name]Annabelle[/name] are 13 months apart and the gap between [name]Annabelle[/name] and this baby will be 2 years. I would love to have more children but because of health issues I think we will be stopping at 3.

7

I just wanted to add that I grew up in a family of 4 kids - us older children were pretty close. (We are currently 25, 23 and 21) and we get along really well NOW, growing up we had our issues, but we were all close enough in age that we were able to do things with each other. Then my mom had her “midlife crisis” as we all like to joke about and decided to have my sister - she is about to turn 13. We get along really, really well and I really love having my baby sister - but she never grew up with us. By the time she was old enough to really remember anything, all of her siblings were basically adults - moving out, going to college- we never had that real “sibling” relationship, she sees her siblings as adults.

[name]Just[/name] another perspective - I certainly don’t think the age difference is wrong at all, this is just my experience with my sister.

8

I am one of five children, ages 17, 15, 13, 11, and 7. The three boys in the middle have been close buddies since they were small, so the age gap works well for them. The oldest (me) and youngest are girls, and being 10 years apart, we have a very different relationship - less of buddies and more of her being my little doll. :slight_smile: Overall, the age gap has assisted and not hindered our relationship.

I would definitely recommend having a larger family if that works for you because growing up with lots of siblings is so much fun and teaches kids how to interact with others. I would like to have 4-6 children, each between 1.5 and 2 years apart.

9

I’m from a family of 4. My older half sister is 24, a 6 year age difference between her and myself. Then there’s me at 18 years old. Following me is my younger half sister who is 8 months younger than me. And then there’s our younger brother who is 15 and there’s 2 and 1/2 years between him and our sister.

I’m not at all close with our older sister. We hangout occasionally but we’re not close. My younger sister and I are extremely close. Since we’re in the same grade a lot of people think we’re twins at first. And we do the stereotypical “twin” thing of finishing each other’s sentences. My brother and I fight all the time.

DH is one of seven. There’s 3 years between him and the next oldest. Then there’s two years between him and the third oldest. Then 3 between him and the 4th and then 2 years between him and the 5th. Between 5 and 6 there’s 2 years and then 2 years between 6 and 7. All of the kids have kind of paired off. 2 and 3 are closest with each other, 4 and 5 are the same and then 6 and 7 (the girls). DH admits that he doesn’t feel close to any of his siblings other than #2 because of the age/maturity difference. And with the girls there’s a 13 and 15 year age difference, he acts more like a father figure than a brother.

In my perfect family I’d have b/g twins and then when they were about six or seven I would adopt a little boy who was about a year younger than them.

10

I grew up in a mixed family of six children… My step-sister is like 20-some years older than me, and by the time our parents got together she was well out of the house so if anything, she has always been like some distant relative you see around the holidays. My oldest biological sibling…a sister…is around 8 years older than me, maybe 9. Again, that was too large an age gap for us to really do much together. She and her friends would fix my hair during sleepovers when i was little, and i was sort of like some little toy in the background to her. We are far from close nowadays. My next sibling…my brother…is exactly 6yrs older than me (i was born on his birthday). I love my brother and we are in so many ways alike but you can definitely feel a distance between us. When i was 6, he was a “big boy”, 12yrs old.

My next younger sibling…another sister…is like 20 or so months younger than me. We are definitely the closest siblings of the bunch! We grew up like twins…we were dressed alike, shared the same clothes, had our own little language, and were the best of friends, despite having different personalities. Of course, as we got older we grew apart alot, but we still get along!

My youngest sister (my half-sister), is around 5 or 6 years younger than me. I loved her and she was “my baby”…and we would play together alot, even though we weren’t on the same level. I just always have been the type to get down and play with younger kids, so that worked out. Growing up, it was a bit frustrating because she wanted to play with my sister and i and join us and our friends…and she was our little sister…kind of got in the way (I’m sure all of you with younger siblings can relate!). We are sort of close now…

I definitely loved being part of a large family, even though most of the time, it was just us younger three in the same household (divorced parents, dad had custody of the older two bio’s, mom had us younger two plus our baby sister). My family was one of the biggest ones where i live, even though there was a Romanian family in my community who had 15 kids of their own (under one roof). There was always someone to play with and turn to, but there was also alot of sibling rivalry. There were alot of time when our parents spent alot of time with one kid, and the rest of us missed out. Also, sickness got spread around alot…and we all had things like lice for literally ever summer straight for like 7 summers. I wouldn’t trade it for anything though! Our experiences, even though we don’t always get along, have give us such a unique and strong bond.

I would recommed larger families, if you feel you are up to it. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies but it’s mostly great! I always insisted, since i was little, that i wanted to one-up my parents and have 7 kids. Well, that’s not my only motive, but yeah. I think that it depends on the individual couples and their relationship, finances, etc on what size family they want.

For me, I still want 7 with at least some adopted or foster to adopt…I’m still deciding on the spacing i would prefer, because i have experienced both ends of the spectrum of being too old/too young and being close in age to a sibling. With my career track, it might be beneficial to have some spacing but i’m not sure… What will happen will happen :slight_smile: I would like maybe the children of each gender to be close in age…(two sisters being close in age, or two brothers being close in age). Not sure!

11

That’s how my sister and I are, too. I was always dressing her up and doing her hair - just like a doll. [name]Even[/name] at 13, lol, I still play dress up and stuff with her.

12

I don’t have any children, but I’m the second of four. I have three brothers, one older and two younger, and we’re all pretty spaced out.
[name]Tyler[/name] -ttwenty-years-old,
Myself - nearly seventeen,
[name]Davis[/name] - ten-years-old,
[name]Jake[/name]- six-years-old.
(We all have the same mother, but us middle ones, [name]Davis[/name] and I, have a different father than the other two boys.)

13

I suppose we’re one of these larger families now! We are also a mixed family with stepkids on both sides. So we have 17yo [name]Ryan[/name] and [name]Joseph[/name] from my previous relationship who live with us atm but will be going to university next year and 14yo [name]Lucas[/name] from my husbands previous relationship who spends every other weekend with us. Then we have our kids together 5yo [name]Nigel[/name], 22m [name]Claire[/name] and I’m currently expecting our last (gender currently unknown!). I had [name]Ry[/name] and [name]Joe[/name] very very young so they were a part of me going into our “family” and you could argue are basically adults now. LJ is more of a very close cousin in the family dynamics - he’s an only child and seems to love his time with us - it can get a bit contentious when it comes to sharing things but he’s getting there. The huge jump in age difference was mainly based on my age and relationship status: I was 28 and married 18m when I had [name]Nigel[/name] as opposed to being 16 and alone with twin boys - that teaches a hard lesson!

Looking at the differences between LJ and the rest of my rabble I would say that large families are better for teaching cooperation and sharing etc. but equally we just can’t spend as much time individually as LJ gets from his mum. So, I don’t think loads of kids is necessarily better than just 1 etc - you just have different areas you have to try harder to meet each individual kids needs. Although, I think about 2-4 is a good number hence why we shall be stopping at 3 with our “second family”! I really don’t think there is a “best number” but the more you have the smaller the impact another kid has on your ability to cope!

[name]Hope[/name] that’s of some help to you, [name]Sarah[/name]

14

We’re a family of 5 kids - our eldest is spaced farther than the others we have gaps of 5yrs, 10m (result of being lax about birth control post no.2!), 19m and about 3minutes! (our last 2 were twins!). We had always planned for 4 spaced 1-2 years each but several early miscarriages prevented this initially and then number 4 was 2! Our youngest 4 are still all under 3years. I can tell you that having that many infants/toddlers at the same time is extremely challenging! The logistics of going out for the day with all kids is a nightmare - we use 2 double strollers and bring a sling for one of the twins in case our eldest needs to sit! I’m hoping that our eldest will be sensible enough not to need to be held onto by the time the other 4 are all walking - so we’ll have one hand for each of them! I’d say 4 is enough - if you go over 5 then I agree with [name]Sarah[/name] that it probably doesn’t matter how many more you have! As far as age gaps I’d say ideally not having more than 2 that are 1. mobile and 2. that you can’t reason with at the same time! So that would be about a 2y gap. I just think of when you are on your own with them - you need a hand for each! [name]Fran[/name] x

15

Oh [name]Fran[/name]- you have your hands full!

In my family of origin I am one of 4- there are three girls (I am number 2) that are all stair-stepped 2 years apart. My brother is 11 years younger than me and 9 years between him and my younger sister. I think in most families the closeness in age is a blessing and a curse- it was with us. On one side we had constant playmates but on the other the fights were epic and the amount of crying during PMS probably kept the neighbors talking.

My little brother, on the other hand, was so much fun! My mom had eager babysitters and he and I were particularly close- I was like a second mom. The hardest thing was that I moved away to college when he was 7 and it was really rough on him- he had trouble at school and it took him a long time to adjust.

16

There’s a little over five years between my oldest and my youngest. It’s crazy busy for me. But I do see the youngest treating my oldest like they are on the same level. There’s no older sister worship going on. So I expect that even these two - who are separated the most in age - might grow up feeling close. I already know that the my older two (20 months between them) are very close and hardly know what to do without each other.

17

I’m not sure if I can answer all of your questions.

We have 6 children. DH and I started early (we were 19-me and going on 22-him) when our first was born so that does factor into our family quite a bit in that we have 6, but we’re still very young. Alot of my friends are just having their first child now. We wanted to try for #2 right away for several reasons and were blessed with her about 2 years later. The first two are 28 months apart and the best of friends! After that, we were ready to go for #3, but life had other plans and we had trouble conceiving and I started working outside the home (I’ll mention here that we never stopped TTC or started preventing pregnancy, but due to work situations we were usually not able to be together during my fertile time so it didn’t happen for a while).

When our first set of twins arrived in [name]December[/name] 2010, our older girls were 6 and 8.5. This worked out perfectly for us because the girls were very excited to have siblings and a big help to me! We didn’t deal with any sibling rivalry from them because we were all looking forward to adding to the family for so long, it was just perfect. Our next set of twins arrived in [name]December[/name] 2012 so they are 2 years apart (and a few weeks). That was much more challenging both because there were 2 of them and 2 infants is a tremendous amount of work, but also because the 2 year olds were at a very needy, clingy, and rivalry-prone stage. They were not quite ready to potty train so we had (still do at night) 4 in diapers. They still need alot from me and I was happy to have the older sisters to help, but it was not the same. The older girls were actually more helpful with with infants alot of the time. Things are settling down very much here and we’re all getting into a new groove of “normal” I have 0 regrets and we love our newest little ladies so much, but I suppose if I HAD to change something, I would have waited until the first set of twins would be 3 or 3.5 when the new baby (or two in our case) was born.

So I will say that I really enjoyed having the two oldest who were fairly closely spaced and then a largeish break before adding more. It was not how we pictured it, but it’s perfect for us! My DH and are open to more children though we are not actively trying or planning any right now. I have not put much time/effort into planning #7 at all, but off the top of my head (and I think DH would agree), I think waiting at least 3 years would be best for us right now. I’m going to be 30 next week so we have plenty of time left! If we did wait 3-4+ years, I think I’d love to have another one closely spaced with 7 so they had a sibling close in age too. All of our children get along well though regardless of their spacing/birth order. I love watching them all interact. When A&F arrived, our oldest girls decided that they would each “adopt” one to be their little buddy. Now that we added 2 more, the buddies have adopted a 3rd to their little team. The teams are not competitive or anything, just a sweet little connection that they have made. (1st born adopted [name]Baby[/name] A and [name]Baby[/name] A – 2nd born has the baby B’s)

Our family dynamics are very loving, helpful, and respectful. We homeschool and spend alot of time together so expectations for all of the children are very clear. We all pitch in and work together as a family team. We love it and that really adds to our dynamics quite a bit. Our religious beliefs come into play everyday and in most everything we do. Rules and respect for parents are a big thing in our family. When there are 6 of them and 2 of us, that is something we need…we needed that when there were only 2 of them and 2 of us though too! Parents are in charge.

Would I recommened larger families? Sure, I have nothing bad to say about them. You deal with alot of negative reactions, comments, and criticism, but that’s not reason to change your life! To have a large family, I think you need to be organized, have clear “house rules” and focus on keeping things simple. Your kids probably won’t have the latest gadgets or high-end sneakers, but if you instill values in them and you teach them to appreciate what they have/what is really important in life, they should not have a problem with that!

Number? Well, I can’t say there is one. It varies for each family. DH and I don’t know what our best # is. We are leaving that in God’s hands. We do find ourselves throwing out 8 and 10 alot though. For me, one thing I really worry about is a vehicle. I don’t enjoy driving at all… but I hate sitting at home and would never want to be dependent on someone else to taxi me and my kids around. However, right now we [name]JUST[/name] fit in our mini-van (8 seater) and it’s not exactly comfy for all passengers. Upgrading from here means a 12 or 15 passenger van. What I’m saying here is that I am scared to drive one of those big vans and I know if we have another child, we will need that type of vehicle. I am not letting that scare me from another one, but I think it’s a pretty valid consideration in figuring out “the best number” — logistics and day to day life can be a challenge when you get beyond a family of 8. I think I read something once that the world is made for a family of 4. You can work around adaptions for 6 and 8 somewhat easily, but beyond that, it gets tricky. So if you want a big family, but you don’t want to go to that next level of “mega” (lol!) maybe 6 children is the best number (or 5 if you stick with many other mini-van models-- we have a 2nd row removeable bench that allows for the 8th-otherwise most minivans fit 7).

I think I already commented on spacing. as far as gender order - I have no answers.

18

@crunchymama - I have the exact same concerns about the vans. Can I ask what van you have that is a 8 seater? Thanks!

19

I am 16 almost 17 and I have a twin brother and a little brother who is 18 months younger than me (15) and then I have a 7 year old little brother and finally a month and a half old little sister. I think the best spacing for children is about two years because I am way more close with my twin and 15 year old brothers than my youngest brother/sister.

20

We have a Honda Odyssey and love it.
[name]Non[/name]-mini-vans I’ve heard great things about Suburbans for seating 8 people a little more comfortably than a mini-van.