I’m not really quite sure how to start this so I’ll just dive straight in.
I have a daughter from a previous marriage, and she obviously has her father’s last name. Since we divorced I’ve gone back to my maiden name. However, I am now in another relationship and expecting #2, and the issue of the surnames have come up. Since me and OH aren’t married, it’s likely that we’ll hyphenate it for this baby.
If we do, and if we do get married at some point, we’ll both probably change our last name so it’s hyphenated as well, the same as our baby’s. This leaves me with a dilemma - it’ll mean that my eldest daughter will have a completely different last name to the rest of us. I want her to keep her father’s last name, we’re on good terms and she sees him all the time so there’s no issue there - but I also don’t want her to feel left out, and I want us to look like a family when our names are written on paper.
The only solution I can think of is to hyphenate my maiden name with her last name, so that we’ll at least have half our names the same. Would this work, or is it better to just leave it how it is? Has anyone else had a similar issue? Is it even an issue at all or am I overthinking this? Help!!
If your ex is okay with it (and your daughter, but she’s pretty young), it’s nice to hyphenate so she’ll have both your names. Still, I don’t think it’s necessary. There will be some headaches from having different names, like you’ll likely be called Mrs. DaughtersSurname at times by people who don’t know your name is different, but it’s not the end of the world. I have a very complicated family with siblings and step-siblings and a whole handful of names in the mix, but we still feel like one family.
If your daughter is old enough then I’d discuss it with her first before making any decisions, using your maiden name hyphenated is a good solution I think, although would her father object? If so you could consider adding your maiden name as a middle name for your daughter. I’m sure when you named your daughter you considered her second name so you might need to consider how her name would flow now by adding your maiden name.
Incorporating your middle name is a lovely idea though I know me and my brothers always loved that we were easily identifiable by our slightly unusual surname.
If you and your SO marry, your daughter may be old enough to make the decision herself about what she wants done with her surname. My best friend was adopted by his stepdad when he was 8 or so, and he decided to have his surname changed. Of course, this is different from your situation because he and his mom shared a surname and she was changing hers as well, and he didn’t know his bio dad at that point, so it was easier, I guess.
But your daughter may have a preference, even if she’s young (just explain it in terms of “mom and dad and stepdad and baby” instead of the actual names, maybe?).
I don’t think you’ve overthinking it but I wouldn’t worry about it until the time comes where you’re signing a marriage license and getting your name changed. Before then, don’t stress
honestly I wouldnt worry about it. Someday your daughter will marry and probably take on a whole new last name. If her dad is in her life then I say just keep it as is. My children have a different last name than I do and it is never a problem. Of course I grew up the youngest of six and we had four last names between us and it was fine.
My parents weren’t married when they had me, so I got my mother’s maiden name. When my parents got married shortly after my mom realized she was pregnant with my brother, my mom and brother both took my dad’s last name. They never changed mine, because (frankly) they could never afford it. I lived my whole life (until marrying a year ago) with my mom’s maiden name while the rest of my family had my dad’s last name. It was a total non-issue for us, but I guess it depends on the family. (For what it’s worth, I dropped my birth middle name and took on my mom’s maiden as my middle when I got married. It didn’t even occur to me at the time to add in my dad’s name somewhere, even though we’re on really good terms).
My son (the eldest) has a different last name than his younger siblings. We’ve talked to him about changing it so that we’ll all share the same last name, but he’d rather keep his name as is. I would talk to your daughter (after having a heartfelt conversation on the matter with your ex on what options he’d be okay with too!) to see what she thinks.
I think that if it doesn’t bother you, you shouldn’t bother changing it. Unless you’re planning on putting up your last name on the mailbox and leaving a “you’ve reached the [name]Field[/name]-[name]Jones[/name]’ residence” on your answering machine, it’s unlikely your daughter will feel left out because she has a different last name. When she gets older, if she wants to change that and expresses that to you, you can always do it then.
Honestly, I would just leave it alone. If you are on good terms with her father and everything’s alright in that area, then you may risk drama starting if you were to just up and change it.
I’m from a blended family (his/mine/ours), and there are two different surnames between us six siblings but honestly it was never an issue. We hardly ever used our last names in a family setting anyhow, if that makes sense.
A family is more than last names. Your little girl will still be part of your family regardless
It’s seems like it’d be more trouble than it’s worth to me.
My parents divorced and all my siblings have my father’s last name. Then my mom remarried and had a child with that husband and he has his father’s last name. Then she remarried again and has another child with her now husband and she has his last name. So in total my mother has 6 children: 4 [name]Rubin[/name]'s, 1 Pointsett, and 1 [name]Webb[/name].
My boyfriend is from a family where the two oldest have one name and the two youngest have a different one cause his parents divorced and his mother remarried. But they were raised as siblings, and I didn’t realize they were half siblings until like five months into our relationship even with the different names. Family is family regardless of name, in my opinion.
