[name_m]Hi[/name_m] all,
hoping for some re-assurance from people in the same boat/who’ve walked 30 weeks in my shoes!
I’m 30 weeks + 3 days and I’m getting really upset about people passing comment on the size of my bump.
I’ve been incredibly healthy all the way through, barely any morning sickness, minimal discomfort - actually been feeling a lot better than normal due to arthritis and PCOS symptoms disappearing!
So far the midwife has been fine with my weight gain. I did start above recommended BMI but only put on 16 pounds so far. Although I’ve put on weight it all seems to be ‘in the bump’ rather than all over me (if that makes sense?). I was the first person to think I would ‘eat for two’ as my PCOS/arthritis meds have made me constantly hungry and bloated for years (although the doctor put it down to bad diet untill just before we got pregnant). But my hubby and Mum (who see my diet most regularly) think I’m not eating enough and def eating less than before I was pregnant, hubby is very concientious about diet and he keeps reminding me to snack and checking I’ve eaten enough (was getting bad heartburn from not eating regularly cos I kept forgetting/distracted at work)
The extra annoyance is that at least now my bump is from baby and not an extra tyre!
I had a large family gathering on [name_f]Sunday[/name_f] and wore a dress that I’ve had/worn since before I was pregnant, it fit really well, did hug the bump - but in a good way. All anyone could focus on was ‘you’re never going to make it full term’/‘you are so big’ - and not in a ‘I’m so excited/the baby is a reality to me seeing your bump’ kind of way - more in a ‘you are MASSIVE and I’m going to take you down a peg or two talking about how happy and healthy you are or much you’ve enjoyed being pregnant’.
To be fair - a few people did say I was looking really well, then went on to say about bump size, I’m trying to hold onto the idea they meant I looked healthy and they were surprised how much bump I had (as most people haven’t seen me pregnant at all) or that some poeple could have been meaning that I only looked like I had put on a ‘bump’ rather than any weight ‘myself’. But now I’m thinking they just meant ‘you look well’= ‘you look fat’.
Wow - that was a LOT of stuff I’ve not been dealing with!
I know size is something that all pregnant women are supposed to worry about but so far this hasn’t been much on my radar - I didn’t put anything on untill after 4 months (midwife said that was fine due to BMI and scans indications) and I’ve generally stayed in the same clothes as pre baby PCOS bloat has become [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Bump.
Above all I guess that I’m just quite saddened that with such a positive experience (and I was careful not to brag and say how lucky I feel that so far things have been healthy/smooth sailing to be sensitive to others that had a rough time) that most people seemed to feel the need to be negative and personal.
Final nail in the coffin was when my HR contact told me today that I’m ‘Loads bigger than her [name_m]SIL[/name_m] who is due [name_m]WAY[/name_m] before me’ - seriously, I thought you were supposed to have sensitivity training if you were the pregnancy contact within HR!
I’ve been really teary off and on for days feeling like eveyone is judging me, like I didn’t look after my body before I get pregnant (even though its now been established it was medical not diet) and I’m now not looking after the baby.
Anyway - what do you mum’s think? anyone experience anything similar? I’m hoping that if we share our stories of other people’s insensitive comments we might all be able to move from feeling offended/upset to getting our ‘tiger mum’ claws out
For me - I’ve decided the next person to say something about the size of my tummy either gets a comment about the size of their tummy or ‘if you can’t say anything nice the polite thing is to say nothing at all’
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was aghast at how people felt like the bump was public property. Strangers would ask me questions. Sure, most of them were just excited to hear when I was due and whether it was a boy or girl, but these people would not otherwise approach me. I had the opposite issue as you - my bump wasn’t big enough for people. I can’t tell you how many people told me I had to eat more, that I was starving my unborn child, that I shouldn’t be worried about eating more, “did you know there is a baby in there??? you hardly look 8 months pregnant! are you SURE?” And let me tell you, I was eating just fine. So you can’t win. People want to have an opinion on something that has somehow become a topic of public discussion. It was the first lesson for me in learning to let people’s comments just float over me and only taking to heart something that felt right and true. This is just the beginning of people telling you your baby is too chubby or skinny or small or cries too much or not enough or needs a snuggle or needs to be handed off more. You know best. [name_m]Trust[/name_m] in yourself. You’re doing a great job growing a baby. The rest is just background noise. Celebrate the belly.
Well, I feel like when people are saying “WOW look how big you’ve gotten!” they aren’t trying to attack you personally. I’ve never been pregnant, but my friend is, and she is technically smaller than average and she didn’t actually grow much until the very end. But now she’s HUGE! (the bump, overall she’s the same) And when people say how big you are, at least to me, I feel like they are talking about the bump, not you. Like how big the baby has gotten. At least that’s how I would take it honestly. Unless someone is saying, “wow, you look super fat” I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people have never been around lots of pregnant people before, like me, and just don’t know the appropriate thing to say!
I have a really small body build and am normally pretty thin. There is literally NO place for a baby to hide in me. I show right away and end up being all belly. I remember with my first, we went to a family reunion on DH’s side maybe 3 weeks before I was due. At least a couple of people insisted that I MUST be having twins and were incredulous when I told them the scans had shown just ONE baby in there. One of the aunts went absolutely ballistic going on and on about how enormous I was. To make matters worse, one of the cousins was due about six weeks after me, and she’s petite, but she still had the tiniest, most ridiculously bitty little bump, and the aunts literally stood there looking from one of us to the other, comparing the bellies and commenting on the enormity of mine. Extended family is just the worst sometimes. It’s like, because we’re related, no manners filter is required? I really felt hurt. It’s not like I was blind, or somehow didn’t notice that I put on an insane 55 lbs.
With my fourth baby, I gained about 25 lbs but I still had a particularly large, oblong, watermelon-shaped belly. It truly truly WAS enormous, and by my fourth I had some perspective to know that some people are just plain rude, but seriously, when I went out shopping, people’s eyes got so wide when they saw me coming. Some people just outright stared. It was insane! I was fortunate to have really close friends and family who tried to help me feel better. They didn’t deny that it was a comically enormous belly – anyone with eyeballs could see that – but they were really encouraging about how I’d been eating well, and my total weight gain really was under recommended range, and so forth.
Anyway, I’m awfully sorry that people were rude to you. Try not to read too much into the “you look well” comments, because they maybe really were trying to be nice. They might even have been trying to help make up for the people who were obviously being thoughtless. I try to change my clothes out right away when I’m pregnant, that way it’s harder to compare the bump to what I looked like before, and it takes away people’s ability to even compare. Maybe you can get yourself a cute maternity top or two, and you’ll feel better, look better, and help take away people’s excuses to judge too. Keep on track with the right weight gain for you, and be healthy, and look after that little one. That’s really all you can ever do as a mama.
But it doesn’t hurt to prepare a snarky comeback or two.
It really sucks, but it is true that the general public does feel authorized to comment on pregnant bodies and babies in ways that normally would not be socially acceptable. And seriously, next week you might be someplace else and everyone will be talking about how you are far to small to be so far along. You can’t win.
My son was 20lbs at three months. We used to joke that he was going to be a sumo wrestler. He was also off the charts for height and head size- he was just a very large baby who leaned out and is now a taller than average three year old. But people would comment all of the time on his size. It got extremely annoying. I found that a good response to particularly pointed jabs was to just say, “Wow!” And then turn away immediately. Most people did not pursue the topic after that.
Congratulations on all of your hard work for such a healthy pregnancy!
People I’m this world are made to think it’s acceptable to make offhand comments about women’s size whether they’re pregnant or not, and ESPECIALLY when they’re pregnant.
They think it’s ok to comment on a woman’s size in pregnancy since women are SUPPOSED to get bigger.
Keep in mind most people aren’t aware that your body shape, position of your uterus, position of the baby and where they attach to your uterus, all can affect how your bump looks.
I know this isn’t the same thing at all, but I didn’t show until 7 months with my daughter and my bump was quite small when I gave birth. I got questions from total strangers about my diet, my baby’s size, why I looked like that, if I was sure my due date was right, and even about eating disorders. I honestly don’t think most people have cruel intentions, I think society just gears us to judge women’s appearances and bring them down so much.
My suggestion would be for you to find online some body positivity groups or pages, especially geared towards pregnant woman or moms…look for some unedited pictures of pre and post partum bodies that are celebrated so you see they come in all sizes. And if people make comments, tell them your doctor thinks your bump is measuring perfectly on-size, not that it’s any of their business. Tell them your bump is so big because of your baby’s placement or tell them to stop being rude and it’s never ok to make comments about a woman’s body unless a) you’re her doctor or b) the comment is “wow you look so healthy and strong today”. Or if you’re not up for the confrontation, smile and nod and be thankful you have more tact than them.
I don’t know what the compulsion is to make size comments, but (some) people just can’t seem to help it. I went from years of people calling me anorexic to telling a pregnant and fuller me “Don’t worry, the weight will come right off.” Like, I’m actually not worried, but thanks for letting me know you’re keeping tabs!
When someone says something like “Wow, are you going to make it to term!” I would just say with a smile “Oh, wow. I’m not sure how to answer that?” then laugh. Hopefully, it will make the commenter feel a little foolish without taking them down too much.
Edit-- I didn’t see tarynkay’s response! A simple “wow” would work perfectly too!
I think what happens is people so rarely see someone who is pregnant that they forget how big a pregnant woman gets. It is like every time I see a newborn I think how small they are even though they are just a regular newborn size. I am currently pregnant and because I am the one gradually gaining the weight I don’t notice much but for people who haven’t seen me in awhile I seem big. I recently saw pictures of [name_f]Jill[/name_f] Duggar before she delivered and remember thinking how huge she looked even though I probably look similar! I think it is just perception, I am sure you look great! Keep your head up and try to let it get to you. A healthy baby and mom are the most important things.
Thank you everyone for all your support and personal experiences.
I think I was having quite an emotional day yesterday and one last comment tipped me over the edge.
Its reassuring that I’m not the only one this has happened to - but overall sad that this is something others have experienced.
Yes, I’m probably being a bit too sensitive and I’m sure this is the sort of thing I might have said before pregnancy without realising the impact - I do try and keep some perspective even with the crazy hormones running rampant
I had my GTT (Glucose Tolerence Test) this morning and I’m not thinking that was a co-incidence, like I wasn’t admitting that the worry over bump/baby size could be related to subconcious link to indication of Gestational diabetes. I’m a typical researcher-worrier and so I’ve been limiting my pregnancy research but I didn’t realise how nervous I was about the GTT untill I was waiting at the clinic and realised I was shaking.
Its over now and like all things, I will deal with it if or when there is an issue - test results should be in by Tues/Weds next week so fingers crossed everything is OK.
Hubby just sent me a message to remind me 'you are perfect, and so is your bump. It just shows that you are doing everything right for our baby and so they are growing well and getting strong, ready to be born. I love you and I think you are doing an amazing job nurturing our baby and you have never looked more beautiful! ’ - I’m so lucky to have such good support
Thanks again for all the support and words of wisdom.
Your hubby is awesome first off! What a wonderful support system for you.
Ugh, yeah, people can be so rude, especially when it comes to women who are pregnant or post-partum. I got both comments, I was either huge or too small to others, I am a petite built woman and all of my weight went directly to my “bump”, well and my breasts. It’s so annoying when people are rude, but I like @tarynkay’s suggestion of just saying wow and walking off. My husand’s grandmother the other day made a comment about a woman who had just given birth this week, about how she couldn’t believe the baby was less than 7 lbs because she was so huge while pregnant. Uhm, first off it’s her second baby and you tend to, not always, but usually get larger with 2nd, 3rd etc pregnancies and second of all its not just a baby in there. There is the amniotic fluid, placenta, extra blood supply and so forth. I told her that too and then she got quiet pretty quickly. It sounds like you are at a perfectly healthy weight and size for your pregnancy, just remember that if you weren’t your OB would tell you.
Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy and labor and delivery.
It doesn’t sound like anyone was trying to be rude to you, OP, but I do agree that it’s annoying to have this be a public domain topic. I’ve actually only had one stranger comment on my bump (and I found what she said to be cute,) but mostly it seems to be family that think they can comment on my size, which has always been the case for me anyhow. [name_f]Every[/name_f] family reunion I go to, quite a few people feel the need to tell me to “eat a cheeseburger.” It never fails. They don’t mean it maliciously, so I brush it off. Sometimes, that’s really the only thing you can do.
When I got pregnant, I was 15 & weighed around 98lbs. I thought I would show immensely, but I actually didn’t even start to show until around five months or so, and I was pregnant with twins!!! At seven months (when I had them), I weighed around 115-120. My boys were tiny and around two months early, though. Not sure what’s worse, showing a lot or not at all!!
