Someone help me please

Parentberries
1

Hello. I am new to this forum and I am not pregnant or expecting, but I need help because I don’t know what to do and I figure people like you can help.

I am 37 and have been married for twelve years to a wonderful man who loves and is great with kids. I am starting to think about what to do about having babies and it is freaking the hell out of me. The problem I have is that I had a relationship in my past with an emotionally abusive bf that I have been fighting to let go of the serious sel esteem and body image issues it left me with. I have also never been a “kid” person, and spending time with my sisters’ kids is not something I enjoy. It also doesn’t help me that my father has occasionally made comments about my mom being overweight and unhealthy and my mom making comments about my sister’s weight gain when she was pregnant.

My problem is that the thought of getting pregnant and all of the body changes that go along with it terrify me because my self esteem is so bad. I am worried that I would make a horrible mom because I have no maternal instincts. I am struggling with tremendous guilt because I feel like my fear and my selfishness are depriving my husband of an experience that I know he wants, and we’ve been having conversations that I start crying because I feel so bad and guilty. I have no idea how he is able to be so kind and patient; sometimes I feel like he is the only person who has ever really loved me.

Anyway, I have been trying to find new ways to talk to myself about the idea of being pregnant, like thinking about what it would be like to feel a baby kick, having a family, maybe being good at or enjoying being a mom, or the fact that my body will change whether I have a baby or not, or that no one says how smoking hot a little old lady looks when she’s laid to rest in her coffin.

I am ashamed because at 37, I still look like a size 2 mid- twenty something young woman, and deep down, I feel like that is the only good quality I have. Please don’t think that I am trying to sound proud or vain; I really don’t want to sound shallow, although I realize I probably do. I am just in a very difficult place and need help knowing what to do.

Is there anything you could help me with to think about this in a better way? I would appreciate any advice you could offer me.

2

I might not be the best person to answer this, as I am only 25 and haven’t been a size 2 since 4th grade, but you have to ask yourself a few questions and be honest… 1) [name]Do[/name] you want children? Would it devastate you to be 50 years old and have no kids and the ability to have them is over? 2) Would you be a cruel, unfeeling, neglectful, or bitter parent towards your kid if you had one and then realized you hated being a parent? 3) Are you feeling guilt towards this subject only because your husband wants kids and you don’t?

It’s good that you are reaching out for advice because so many women have these same thoughts and have kids, and then end up being a terrible parent that unloads a lifetime of emotional and mental baggage on their children because they secretly resent them. And as a woman, would you pass on an unhealthy body image and self esteem issues to your daughter?

It’s perfectly okay to not want kids, and to not have them. [name]Don[/name]'t feel obligated to do something so life changing because of guilt or pressure. It will end badly for everyone involved.

3

Thank you for your advice. Honestly, my biggest worry about being a parent is whether I could be good at being a mom. My own mother was not a nurturing person, so I am most worried about treating my own kid the same way without knowing it. That would absolutely kill me.

One other reason I have been thinking about this is because I was just at a friend’s dad’s funeral, and I really think I would miss not having a family if my husband were to pass away.

4

[QUOTE=moosey;1965841]Hello. I am new to this forum. HELLO moosey and welcome!

First up you are in the most wonderful place to think about having a baby because you have a loving, devoted husband.

Please do not let the negative relationship you had over 12 years ago to ruin the rest of your life. You have left that time behind you and found true love.

Weight issues. Most people have some kind of hangup about their weight most of us wanting to lose a few more pounds. Most women look wonderful when pregnant and amazingly when baby arrives it is not long before the mother is slim once more. Please do not think you will be destined to a life of being an overweight, unhealthy person because you have a baby. If you decide to be healthy you will be, it is a decision you make not fate that decides that.

And about not being a ‘kid’ person ie not feeling maternal I can assure you that your babies will be the most wonderful creatures ever invented in your heart, although you may take a no nonsense approach rather than a sentimental approach to being a mother.

I am not sure if this advice is good but I have heard that cancer patients visualise themselves as being fit and well, their positive thoughts help their bodies heal.

Don’t be ashamed at being small, my daughter in law had had three children and she is tiny, We live in Australia and I guess her size would be around a size 8 maybe smaller, her 11 year old wears her clothes now.

When I was a young mother I was very skinny and I found one of the overweight mothers at school took aim at me and told me I must be sick to be so small. If you get these attitudes quickly reject them as it is other people’s hangups and they have the problem not you.

So be confident in the future, you have the best thing ever a loving and devoted husband. You can look to the future with hope but you need to put aside negative thoughts from the past so if they pop into your head chase them away with a happy thought like “I am pretty” or “I am going to be happy all day”.

So remember you are going to wake up tomorrow with a happy attitude to the future and you are not going to worry about your body image or whether you will be a good mother etc, etc. it will all work out if you discard the negative thoughts and remember that you have a great husband and you will make a great mother.

I sense that you are not against having a child you are just worried about how you will feel about the child and as I said before you will love your baby.

If I am wrong and you really DON’T want a baby because they are little stinkers who will ruin your lifestyle and cost you lots of money when you could be cruising around the Caribbean or flying to Las Vegas for some fun etc etc then you need to tell your husband.

I just think your lack of confidence is holding you back - but not anymore - you have a LIFE to LIVE - Enjoy every moment of the future.

rollo

5

[name]Hi[/name] Moosey.
There’s no right answer. You probably know in your heart what your path is- you just need to get in touch with and articulate those feelings. Perhaps a therapist could help you comb through it all in more depth.
It seems to me that the choice to have a kid should come from a desire of your own, not just from the wish to fulfill your husband’s desires. I don’t think you’re being selfish! That’s not a very productive thought, and it’s not a kind thought to have about yourself. You’re afraid, and the fears you have about your body have history. There’s real trauma connected to the body-shame feelings, and your family reinforces them. Those feelings aren’t logical, but they can be extremely hard to shake. You owe it to yourself not to let a sh**y ex-boyfriend crush your self-esteem for the rest of your life. Ignore your parents’ stupid comments about fat, and seek out different influences. Stop telling yourself that a thin body is your only good quality- that is incredibly disrespectful of yourself, almost an affront to your Maker if you ask me. I’m sure you have many other good and useful qualities. [name]Do[/name] things that make you feel cared-for and secure physically, like taking baths, getting massages, being out in nature. Find pictures of gorgeous women with fat on their bodies, women who look like their pelvises might actually be capable of giving birth to a child. [name]Marilyn[/name] [name]Monroe[/name] is a good start. I’m inspired by some of the beautiful fecund Renaissance Madonnas- [name]Piero[/name] della [name]Francesca[/name]'s [name]Madonna[/name] [name]Del[/name] Parto and Da [name]Vinci[/name]‘s breastfeeding [name]Madonna[/name]. I think mothers’ bodies can be incredibly beautiful.
You might surprise yourself with how you feel about motherhood once it’s upon you. It’s an opportunity to give someone unconditional love, something that’s hard to give to oneself. …Or maybe you won’t have kids, and you’ll get to spend your time traveling and enjoying a free life with your husband. That could be good too! It’s a win-win situation. But work on the shame. And be kind to yourself- it can be a slow process.

Also, absolutely everyone’s terrified of turning into their mother. You’re not alone.

6

Also, absolutely everyone’s terrified of turning into their mother. You’re not alone.

Hahahaha! [name]Just[/name] had to add that Emmabobemma could not be more right about that!!! I’ve been in therapy since I was 19 (I’m 34) specifically so that won’t happen. :slight_smile:

7

First of all, I want to give you a huge internet hug (!!) along with major props for being so honest with yourself and others about your emotions. It’s not easy to face our feelings, especially if they cause us shame. I was in an abusive relationship as well, before I met my husband, and while every experience is completely different, I can empathize at least somewhat, and my heart goes out to you! When we come out of a sustained period of trauma like that, it takes a huge toll on our self-perception. I’m so glad you have a loving stable relationship with a good man who cares about you. Having a safe place to release those old hurts goes a long way toward facilitating the healing process!

In regards to the body-image thing…it sounds like things in your past have made you place a higher value on your appearance than on who you are as a person. [name]Even[/name] deeper than thinking positive thoughts, I think it helps to find other things that give you a sense of worth and value…the more core to your personality the better! [name]One[/name] of the most important things I’ve been learning in my own recovery is that my “radar” is skewed…things that I would admire or praise in someone else, I don’t naturally notice in myself; things I would never say to someone or use against them, I beat myself up over. The golden rule of “treat others how you want to be treated” almost needs to be flipped on its head: “treat yourself how you would treat your loved ones.” If you would be gentle with them, be gentle with yourself. If you would admire a certain trait in them, like a caring heart, the ability to think logically under pressure, or a passion for a certain cause…admire that in yourself. When applied to the motherhood thing…I think of it like this: that womanly body that makes you feel good about yourself, that makes you feel valued…it gives you the ability to do something remarkable - nurture and sustain a life, bring a child into this world, create another human being! That’s breathtaking to think about. Rather than being something that robs you of your value as a woman, it can further empower your womanhood by carrying you into the next stage of a woman’s life, motherhood. (By this I don’t mean that one must be a mother to be a woman! But it’s true that fertility is quite symbolic of femininity, and that can be very nourishing and empowering for your woman’s heart.)

Along that line, I found this website to be very inspiring: http://theshapeofamother.com/. If you’re uncomfortable with nude photography it may not be a good option for you, but it’s not pornographic or sexual. It’s an honest and tender look at the bodies of mothers of all ages both during and after pregnancy. I find it unearthly beautiful and meaningful to think that each mark that society might call ugly or unsightly is proof of a mother’s love and of a woman’s power to bring a child into this world.

I hope this is helpful to you! Very best wishes to you on your journey to recover from the past and embrace your ability to choose your future :slight_smile:

8

I am 25 and don’t have kids. I have the same hangups about my body.

There is no reason to have kids if don’t want to. None.

I think you should try some meditation, and yes maybe talk to a counselor figure out what you really want.

As a society we are not supportive enough of people who do not wish to have children. I think it’s very brave choice.

I think you should try to separate your feelings about your family from the decision to have kids. I know what it’s like to have a negative family. Maybe a little time spent away from them would be a good idea.

As someone who struggles with her weight, I think the issue is very real. Not all women lose the weight after the baby born. Some women struggle with losing weight. Yes you can control it to a certain extent, but don’t listen to people who say it’s easily fixed. They may not understand what you’re going through. Some people naturally put on weight. It’s harder for people who don’t to understand. My mother and my aunts all struggle with their weight and they have naturally put on a lot of the weight they have from pregnancy over the years. It’s something you will probably have to struggle with your whole life. Our society puts a value on women who are thin.
It’s hard. (On the other, you will probably have to struggle with your weight regardless of having a baby)

I don’t think you should have a baby just because someone else wants you to.

I think the biggest clue lies in the fact you’ve been married 12 years and put this off for so long. I think if you really wanted kids, you would have had them already. Instead you put it off to the point where it’s now-or-never and maybe not even now. I don’t think you should rush into a decision, and I respect for not already doing so but 12 years? Among other things, I have known women who have had babies totally naturally at your age, but have also known women who need a lot of fertility treatments when they reach your age.
(My mother was one, and my aunt has a friend who had one child at about your age and tried for years for kid #2 only to eventually adopt the second at age 50.)

[name]Just[/name] because you don’t have kids doesn’t mean you will be alone in your old age. Kids eventually move away and lead their own lives. (Ask my grandmothers) I don’t think that’s a good reason to have kids.

I think you know in your heart you don’t want them, which is why you put the decision off for sometime.

I think if you decide to have kids. [name]Don[/name]'t go into it with any illusions.
a) it may be difficult to get pregnant
b) you will gain weight and your body will change
c) you will constantly be responsible for a little one who is constantly dependent on you
d) they will move out and there will be times when you hear/see less from them

I think seeing a counselor particularly one who understands the issue here is a good idea. I think if you really wanted kids you wouldn’t have put off while being in a stable relationship for over a decade.

Good luck!

9

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I am so grateful for your advice. :slight_smile:

10

Part of why we put off having kids was due to to my problems, but a major factor was that we spent ten stressful years trying to make ends meet with two of us working five jobs and barely being able to pay the mortgage. Now that my husband has a full time pastor job and I don’t have to work, life is much happier for both of us (I was not a pleasant person to be around when I was teaching; loved the students, hated grading papers.). This is really the first time in our lives that having kids was ever a serious consideration, and honestly, I spent a lot of time avoiding thinking about out of fear.

11

Oh, darling. I agree with what the others have said, there are some wise women here. I don’t have any experience with abusive relationships, but a friend of mine was in one and I saw what it did to her. So lots of hugs to you.

I got accidentally pregnant about a year ago (my daughter was born in [name]March[/name]) and the thought of my body changing scared me. Not the pregnancy so much as I’ve always found pregnant women beautiful, but what it would look like after. I’ve always been thin and people have always told me how beautiful I am, so my self worth has forever been tied to my looks and my body, even though I have other good qualities, but they didn’t seem as important to me as no one ever seemed to notice. It’s not a view that’s easy to shift. When I was raped in my late teens it sent me deeper into this bad downward spiral, where I battled with very conflicting sides of me. And I knew I never wanted to have a biological child because I didn’t want to pass on my massive, destructive faults to a child. I think it’s easier said than done to get over your past. And being together with someone good, whole, giving and in general wonderful can both be a good and a bad thing. My husband is endlessly good, patient, caring, before we got together (we had a two year courting) he found a therapist he could talk to about me (the rape and I’m bipolar too) so he would understand better and be prepared. Who does that? Sometimes I feel like I’m this virus digging away at my family, a black destructive force amidst all the fluffy pinkness. [name]Do[/name] you think something like that can be going on with you? [name]Do[/name] you maybe feel like you don’t deserve him?

Liking other peoples children has got nothing to do with whether you’ll be a good mum or not. I know tons of people who hates children, but adore their own. Your concern about your own maternal instincts tells me that you’re aware of it, and that probably means you’re a very caring person. As for the body things, yes, your body will change. It happens. It’s difficult whatever other people says, yes, I think how a mother’s body looks after pregnancy is powerful, it shows her battle wounds and what she went through to make this child. But that doesn’t mean I wanted that for myself. The idea of stretchmarks and the thought of never being able to wear a two piece again terrified me. The thought that my husband wouldn’t find me attractive anymore because my body wouldn’t be perfect. I think it’s easy for people who haven’t got these issues to say get over it, but when it’s been something that (in my case) you’ve valued since you were a little girl, it’s not easy to get over it.

It also makes a lot of sense, what you said about this being the first time in your life you’re actually at a place where you’re good, and could bring a child into the world. I think that’s true for a lot of people, they push the idea away for years because they don’t have a house, or are still studying, in a bad job and so on, and when all the sudden their lives are calm and good, the baby thing becomes real. But babies and children are a lot of work, they’re demanding and selfish and they’re totally dependent on you. Everything changes, and that’s a good and sometimes a bad thing. But you don’t need to have a baby to be happy. Babies changes your relationship, I know childless women who are very happy and lead amazing, fulfilled lives. [name]Just[/name] because there won’t be children doesn’t mean there won’t be love.

I would advise you to see someone professional about this though, it’s helped me a lot even though I’ve still got issues. And I like what Sessha said about treating yourself like you would your loved ones.

12

I just celebrate my 21st birthday last week so I also not the best person to answer this. [name]Just[/name] want to say I support you, I have similar insecurities with body image. [name]Ah[/name]… I’ve heard my dad said the same things to my mom, I’m afraid it’ll be me in years ahead.

Ditto everything [name]Rowan[/name]'s mom said. [name]Will[/name] you regret it when your biological clock has ended and you have no child? [name]Don[/name]'t let body image issue bother you too much. My advice, go volunteer for children program for a week or more. Spent more time with pregnant women, in a group sharing maybe. Decide if you want kids or not (it’s also okay if you don’t want them) and talk about it with your husband.

13

There are two things I will address here.

I am quite fat! Same issues growing up. My father hated anyone fat and he was abusive. I think my being fat is a direct way of “sticking my tongue out” at my Fathers attitude. So the body image thing goes both ways. I am 52 and the issues are not resolved.

My second issue is temper. It runs in the family bad. I was beat as a child (mostly as a result of alcohol) I made a vow never to treat my children the way I was. and I did. [name]Love[/name] my children and did not beat any of them! :slight_smile: My temper did rile things up a bit but I never crossed that line and though it was not easy, I did it.

Hormones go a long way towards helping you love your babies even if you are not a child loving person. (The same way they are able to help us change diapers)

You can [name]DO[/name] what you make up your mind to [name]DO[/name]. I have never lost weight because I am “comfortable” here for whatever reason. (sticking the tongue out?) I was a gentle caring mom (never perfect) because I made my mind up to do so!

14

Best of luck to you if you do decide to try to conceive! At 37 it might not be something that happens right away, you might struggle with trying to conceive and then that will be your new worry… I have always wanted children and now it might not happen for me. We are the same age. I have had 3 miscarriages since we started to try when I was 33.

I really hope that it doesn’t take long for you so you know the joys of pregnancy and motherhood. When your focus is on your child, I am sure all the doubts you have now will melt away.

It sounds like you thought you would be okay without them, but I don’t think you will be now that you are on here asking for help. You are in a good place to start trying now. That’s great! Seeing a therapist might be a good idea. I have in the past and she was very helpful.

About the weight thing…I am slightly overweight now and it may be difficult for me to be gaining weight during pregnancy. I worry that I won’t be able to lose the weight after. I used to be a size 2 when I was in my 20s. The body image thing works both ways.
I am sure you will be able to bounce back though. You shouldn’t worry about that. You will love being pregnant. So what if you are never a size 2 again? So you will be a size 4. [name]Lucky[/name] you.

I have heard that breastfeeding can melt all the pounds away…

Maybe it will help to think about how wonderful a father your husband will be. He will help you through it all. It will be a wonderful gift to the both of you.

There is nothing wrong with not having children too! I am not pushing for you to try to conceive now. :slight_smile:

Good luck moosey!

15

There are certainly some kind of maternal instincts that some people have and some people don’t…but that’s not a marker of whether you’ll be a good mum or not. Some people immediately bond with their babies and know what to do, and some people need to take time to get used to motherhood and spend time learning how to care for their children.

Also, how you feel about other people’s children isn’t always indicative of how you’ll feel about your own.

I think you should seek out a counselor or therapist to help with two things: first to help with your self esteem, and secondly to talk about your fears surrounding raising children, and see if they’re something you can overcome. It sounds to me that you’d like to have children and be a good mum, but aren’t confident about your ability to do so.

The fact that you’re taking into consideration all of these issues are a good sign.

16

[name]Hi[/name] Moosey,

I think you have been offered a lot of good advice here. I think that seeing a therapist, both on your own and with your husband, is a great starting place to address the issues you’ve identified. Women in our society are pushed to have kids. For those of us who want kids, it is a god-send. For those who don’t, it isn’t.

I have two kids - I had many miscarriages - and I knew I always wanted kids. I have a few friends who had kids because their husbands wanted them, or because the clock was ticking and they were scared if they didn’t, that they might regret it later. Two are great moms. The other has a really hard time. A neighbor has several times told me she never wanted kids, regrets having them and resents her “brats”. This was said in front of them. It is not surprising that when she and her husband divorced, he appears to have taken primary custody of their child and her other child has moved in with his father.

Another neighbor has full custody of his son, and the mother visits every so often. I have never asked about the situation, but she’s very enthusiastic about his parenting skills and their son is happy.

Think about it very carefully. My husband recently admitted in therapy that he never wanted kids. I told him up front - when we were dating, when marriage was being discussed - that I wanted kids, and if he didn’t, we needed to go our separate ways ASAP. He lied to me and told me that he wanted three kids. He’s not going to ever get a father of the year award. He tries when he feels like it or is pressed to. He takes his own vacations - as in, he flies to Europe and our children and I are not invited to join him. I take the kids on vacations, and frequently do things with them at home while he does his own thing. Since he has very little of a relationship with our children now, I don’t see them bothering with him on his death bed. I think if we were to divorce now, he would pay whatever court ordered support was required, not a penny more, and never see, call or email our children.

I’m going to throw another one your way to think about. My sister’s colleague didn’t want kids, but her husband did. Their compromise was to adopt a child. They adopted a newborn. Four months later, she told her husband that she wanted him to call the adoption agency and have them come take the baby back. He was appalled and refused, telling her that there was no way he was giving up their son. They divorced not long after, with him receiving full custody of the baby and child support from her. It is my understanding that she told the court she did not want visitation rights of any kind.

My mother didn’t want kids, had them because it was expected of her. She was, and continues to be, unhealthily obsessed with her weight. She made life a living hell for us when she was around, and we were all delighted with the positive ,change in our home when she left when I was 10. There were a lot of negatives - we lived on the very edge of poverty, our dad was not well balanced mentally at times, but the whole vibe of the house changed from tense and negative to relaxed and positive. My mother was a bully when she was around, and we didn’t go out of our way to see her, nor did she seek visitation rights. She and her husband, who may not have wanted the kids he had from a previous marriage, have spent over 30 years not being parents. They want their wine, their travel, their art - they have all those. They see us when and if it is convenient to them.

Think very carefully about this, and seek assistance with the issues you identified. Once that baby is born, you either have to step up to the plate or step aside. Remaining and being resentful of your child is something they pick up on.

Good luck.

[name]Susan[/name]

17

Hey there. I think it’s great that you’re trying to look at things honestly. Having a kid is a tough decision! If deep down, you don’t want one, you shouldn’t have one. No matter what, you do not owe anyone a child. If it’s really just your own fears getting in the way, don’t worry too much. Being thirty-seven, these fears have been with you for a long time. But I don’t think there’s anything you can’t handle if you really want it. So, if you really want a child, you will make it work. You’ll get past your fears and you and your husband will make it work. You’re a champ! I know you can make the best decision for you =)

18

You could always adopt! That allows you to have a child and a larger family, but cuts out the possibility of “ruining” your body. And it also helps a disadvantaged child. And many people say that the maternal instinct kicks in once you have your child. And if you loved the students when you were a teacher, you could always adopt an older child to pass up on the baby stages (which can come with a lot of bad behaviour).

19

Dear Moosey,

Please please please seek out a professional therapist. This is some serious stuff, and deserves more professional consideration than any of us can give you here on the Forum. As a result of the abuse you suffered earlier in life, you are having some very understandable feelings of confusion, revulsion, fear, etc. This is not unusual, given your past.

Whether or not you ultimately choose to have children, it could benefit you so much to speak to someone about your issues in order to arrive at more peace and ultimately gain the ability to experience more satisfaction and happiness in your life.

I personally believe that your ambivalence about having children is more a symptom of this underlying past abuse, rather than being the main issue itself. However, that being said, having children is an individual and personal decision. There is no right answer for everyone. If you are able to go to therapy, it should help you sort through whether your fear of having children is a direct result of your abuse (and so your mind could change, once the abuse issues were resolved), or whether it’s just because having children is not for you.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. [name]Remember[/name]: just because things happened in a certain way in the past, it does not mean that past is doomed to be repeated! Seriously, I know this from personal experience :slight_smile: .