Spinoff: About those seeking a name change

General Name Discussion
1

On another thread one of our members thought that someone who changed their name would be perceived as (insert negative adjectives). I disagree and as I said some might see that as insulting.

Each case where someone wants a different first name is an individual one, and I think that unless you know the whole story you shouldn’t say that the move is inappropriate. Yes, I do agree that you should know about the real-world issues you’ll have to deal with (cost of the procedure, updating legal documents, people you knew that have a hard time acknowledging your new name, needing to explain why some past records are under another name when being checked, etc.). I also think that if practical you should wait at least a year or so if you just got the idea, to be sure it’s something you want to do for the rest of your life and not just a phase. You might also ask your parents the story behind your name; if you were named in honor of someone or it’s a name they put a lot of thought into I’d be more hesitant to uproot the name (a good compromise might be if you do adopt a new first name is to keep your birth name as a middle name, which also helps when explaining old records because it’s more normal to have gone by your middle name) than in a “we couldn’t think of anything else, so we named you ___” case.

I also agree with the point that you should examine how well your chosen name would work on someone of your generation - not that you need to stick to the top names of your birth year, but if the name was unheard of when you were born (e.g. if you’re 40 and want to change your name to [name]Madison[/name] or [name]Nevaeh[/name]) you might want to think twice about going with it since that will more easily give away that you changed it.

What are your general thoughts on those who want to change their name for personal reasons?

2

I know three people who have changed their names as adults. I’ve known all three of them since we were 5-years-old. Other than it being a challenge to remember to call them by their new names, it’s not a big deal at all. I never found it the least bit strange, it’s their name and I’ll call them whatever they want me to call them.

I’m in the early stages of changing my surname. I’ve only told a handful of people what I mean to change it to, though everyone is aware I am changing it. Most people expect me to change it to my biological father’s name, which I don’t intend to do. I’ve come up with my own name. The few people I’ve told have given me positive feedback, though obviously I’ve only shared it with people I trust, and who understand my reasoning behind making up a new name for myself.

Changing a name is very personal. Unless you’ve been in a position where you feel so strongly about your name you go through the process of changing it, you really shouldn’t judge. Think about all the times you see your name, you’re called by your name, you write it, etc., and then imagine that every time that happens you have a negative reaction or think to yourself “no, that’s not me.” I wouldn’t quite equate it to gender reassignment, but in some ways, it’s similar.

Your name is a huge part of your identity. If, for whatever reason, you don’t identify with it, then perhaps you should consider changing it. I for one don’t care to hear the opinions of the few who I’m sure will snicker to themselves and think I’m looking for attention or whatever negative thoughts they have. I’m not doing it for them, I’m doing it for me.

I agree it’s not something to be taken lightly, but most of the “name change” posts on NB seem to come from people who say they’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I don’t speak for anyone else, but from my experience, there is nothing simple about changing your name. Believe me, it’s not something done on a whim in a moment of “gee, I think [name]Holly[/name] would be a fun name!” There’s a lot more to it- legally and emotionally.

3

I’ve wanted to change my name for years, and I do plan to adopt a different first name and keep my current given name as a double middle when I am of legal age.

This isn’t a decision you take lightly. It’s changing who you are in a sense. A name is something that you identify with. As a student, I write my name four or five times a day on papers. People call out to me with my name a dozen more times. Everyone around me thinks of me as [name]Reine[/name], albeit many think of a few different spellings. [name]Reine[/name] is something I don’t think suits me. It’s childish and nearly impossible to pronounce. It looks like a kreigh8tyvve spelling of [name]Rainy[/name]. However, it is my grandmother’s maiden name, and I will keep it as a middle. Plus, as a novelist, it will be the name I will write under, since it is unique and memorable.

From the age of seven, I’ve been looking for names to go by when I turn eighteen. Most likely, I will turn out to be a [name]Lucy[/name], but if not, an [name]Elizabeth[/name] will answer roll instead. Some names strike my fancy, like [name]Aria[/name], but my parents don’t agree. It’s a long process. Redwoodfey is right; no one just says on a whim that they want to change their name. It’s a big change.

This relates to the latest Nameberry blog post on names that are hard to live up to. A clumsy boy called [name]Trip[/name] or an impatient [name]Patience[/name] will answer roll. Some names just don’t fit us, and names often define who we are and give first impressions. An [name]Anna[/name] gives off a studius vibe, while a [name]Piper[/name] seems to be the name of a wild one; and some may think a Madellyn (An actual spelling of [name]Madeline[/name] that’s been used) is illiterate or will have problems in school.

Class clown [name]Anna[/name] might want a more perky name like [name]Alexa[/name], while a soft spoken [name]Piper[/name] might like a quieter one like [name]Lillian[/name]. And Madellyn might like her name- if it was spelled right. People should have the right to change their name.

4

I saw the thread in question, and my interpretation of that post was simply a warning that others may interpret it that way – and it WAS colored by the circumstances. A college-age person with a very normal and inoffensive name who decides to change to something more exotic/exciting/intriguing/unusual/etc., just for the sake of something “better,” [name]WILL[/name] indeed receive negative reactions. Not from all, but enough to create frustration and (depending on the person) shame. I say this knowing, closely, a handful of people who switched to their “more interesting” middle names upon entering college, as well as many people who adopted pseudonyms professionally.

This can be blamed on two different things:
(1) In western culture, we are often taught that our individuality is not defined by labels, but by our minds and behavior. Someone who “needs” a more interesting name in order to reflect their individuality can be seen as commentary on how run of the mill the rest of us with ordinary names are. (NOT saying this is fair, just that this is a typical human reaction.)
(2) Rejecting the name you’ve held until (and sometimes partway through) adulthood may be read as rejection of the person you used to be. This can be off-putting for many who were part of your “old life,” and maybe feel like they are being cast aside by proxy (this is an extreme reaction, but sadly one that is to be expected - and most don’t realize this fear on a conscious level).

It is easy for someone, especially a young someone, to fall back on “who cares what people think!” without considering just how pervasive and lasting this social backlash can be. The concept of learning who your “true friends” are through such an experience is a little bit of an oversimplification.

It’s also easy for people to say “she should get to go by whatever the heck she wants!” As I said in that thread, I could not care LESS whether anyone in this entire world ever changes their name or NOT. It doesn’t affect me in the least, especially when it’s someone I have never met and likely won’t ever meet. The point of bringing this up is not to dissuade, just to weigh in on the possible downside just. in. case. it wasn’t thoroughly considered. It’s one thing to acknowledge someone’s right to change their name (a given, depending on your judge), it’s another to objectively acknowledge the ramifications of such a decision.

Again: whenever someone posts a negative reaction to a name change thread, it is NOT personal and it is NOT a judgment. It is a realistic reminder of the inevitable backlash. Some people have already weighed this potentiality, and it has never occurred to others. What on earth is the harm in bringing it up?

P.S. If you can’t politely, patiently and gracefully handle such “warnings” on an anonymous message board, how will you handle real-life backlash when it’s rolling its eyes in your face?

5

I think spelling changes are an entirely different animal, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a human in this entire WORLD who’d fault someone for “correcting” the spelling of their name. Changing [name]Rachel[/name] to [name]Rachael[/name] is in no way the same as changing [name]Rachel[/name] [name]Anne[/name] to Célestina [name]Vesper[/name].

6

@Yellow - I think you hit the points very well; no offense to me though, other than the terms the other poster in question used were a bit on the “strong” side [name]IMO[/name] (the way it was worded made it sound like someone who changes their name doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings). As you said, it’s one thing if you have a name that you feel is embarrassing for whatever reason and want something that is less so, or have wanted to change it for many years; it’s another if you’re merely going through an “I want to be different” phase.

7

I absolutely, 100% agree with yellow. I also agreed with the comment the OP is referring to from another thread.

Anecdote: I personally know two women who have changed their names in their late thirties. [name]Both[/name] of them changed from names that were fairly prosaic and…era-appropriate, I guess you could say (think [name]Bronwyn[/name] and [name]Cathy[/name]) to names that they thought ‘fit’ them better (think [name]Skye[/name] and [name]Asha[/name]). I do not think it is coincidental that these women were both the type of people who had had identity issues for years: things like lurching from one style of dress/physical presentation to a radically different one, a preoccupation with their weight and looks, an overall obsession with the superficial impression they made on the world, long after their contemporaries had grown out of this kind of thing.

Yes, I am massively generalizing, but…bottom line is, yes, most (not all) grown adults who change their names are doing it because they have a larger identity crisis. That’s my experience, anyway. That is why it raises eyebrows.

8

Since I am She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Namex from the other thread, I feel obligated to respond.

The phrase I used was that public perception of a name change of a common, socially acceptable name would be perceived as ‘needy, pathetic and selfish.’ I actually chose those adjectives carefully.

In the past few months, that I can recall, there have been name change threads from a [name]Jessica[/name], an [name]Emma[/name], an [name]Amanda[/name], and now a [name]Megan[/name]. Each said a near-identical phrase: ‘I want something that feels more like me!’ The suggested names were things like [name]Winter[/name], [name]Wren[/name], [name]Anastasia[/name] and [name]Celeste[/name]. It doesn’t take much armchair psychiatry to see the self-image the poster is hoping to cultivate. I suspect they harbor fantasies of emerging, chrysalis-like, with their rare new princess name to acclamations of ‘how beautiful! [name]Ah[/name], what a perfect name for you! Yes, you always had a certain offbeat otherworldly beauty, didn’t you? [name]Andromeda[/name] really does suit you.’ Etc.

I don’t think these are mere whims of a moment. I do believe these posters have felt dissatisfied with their popular, blank-slate names for some time. However, that is a hallmark of adolescence-- everyone hates themselves and wishes they were different in adolescence. If you have a princess name, you wish you had an androgynous surname. If a spunky name, you want something elegant. If you’re named something unusual, you just want to fit in. If its common-- you want something that feels more special.

So, as yellow and I have said, I think there is a backlash, and a strong one, against name changes motivated by this kind of psychology. It’s the same as if you grandly announce to your friends that you’re becoming a vegan, or changing religions, or going to become an underwater archaeologist. A bit of sniggering and eye-rolling, and a lot of ‘oh come on, really?!’ People see it as attention-seeking (Needy), a hallmark of someone not yet through the self-acceptance phase of late adolescence (Pathetic), and the person’s family and older friends can feel quite offended as this rapid discarding of identity (Selfish). Again, this is limited to people who change socially acceptable names for no other reason. If its tricky, embarrassing, burdensome, evil, etc then no worries, everyone is generally very sympathetic.

9

@[name]Blade[/name]: Thanks for clarifying what you meant. I think your analogy of someone wanting to change their common name to something more fanciful being like someone wanting to live one of those “offbeat” lifestyles you mentioned - I wouldn’t say “no” to someone who wants to go that route, but it might raise eyebrows at first.

[name]One[/name] justification for changing a name [name]IMO[/name] is if it has caused practical difficulties for you (as opposed to merely feeling like your name doesn’t fit and you think the grass is greener on the other side with another name) - such as a female [name]Ryan[/name] tired of getting letters addressed to Mr. (or the opposite case of a person wanting to live as the opposite gender going for a more gender-neutral or appropriate-for-their-new-gender name), they feel their birth name leads to discrimination and wants something less so (like a black Laquisha becoming [name]Laura[/name]), you’re constantly being teased over your name, or even how the frequent blogger [name]Abby[/name]-born-[name]Amy[/name] got tired of having to append her initial to everything (in her case I don’t think it’s as eyebrow-raising since she went from one common name to another as opposed to something out of the mainstream like the aforementioned name-change-seekers wanted to).

10

I agree with pretty much everything [name]Blade[/name] said.

11

I agree with what yellow and blade said. It’s insecurity and not knowing who you are, and wanting to be special and different. Kind of like unnecessary plastic surgery.

12

[name]Hi[/name] -
Wanted to throw my 2 cents in…I’m in my early 40s and have been dissatisfied w/ my name since childhood (Sh@nnon). I started going by a “nickname”, [name]Sally[/name], about 6 months ago. I hated that I never had a nickname and wanted something softer, more feminine and more fitting to my personality. I usually have to repeat “Sh@nnon” a couple of times to be understood, whereas “[name]Sally[/name]” is very easily understood. I love my new nickname and I really don’t care if people see me as pathetic or needy. You only live once and life is too short to cringe when your name is called. After much personal heartache the past several years, I’ve learned that if something makes you happy and it doesn’t hurt anyone, GO FOR IT! Life is too short to worry about others’ perceptions.

13

As has been mentioned before, both here and in the other thread, spelling changes and new nicknames are both VERY different considerations than a legal name change to “something more unique.”

14

Throwing in my two cents too- as an adult I started going by my more uncommon and classic middle name rather than my common, misspelled, and trendy first name, and I really don’t see it as negative regardless of whether others might think it to be odd. I wouldn’t go so far as to legally change my first name to my middle name though.

15

I agree with most of the posters here, but I thought I’d throw something in.

My best friend legally changed her name about a year before I met her. She’d hated her name (first and last) since childhood. Her first name was very nickname-y and her last name was almost impossible to pronounce, especially after her parents got married and she was the only one in the family left with it. Her mother chose her name because she thought it was pretty, and that was that.

I won’t go into detail, but she’s faced very difficult things in the past, and her therapist suggested her name change as a way to start fresh and gain a bit of self confidence. She hated introducing herself to people with her given name because they always messed it up. So she played around with name choices for a while, and ended up choosing one that she felt very confident with. I’ve always known her with her new name, and imagining her as anything else seems near impossible to me. The name change (first and last) has given her a lot of confidence and general satisfaction regarding her name.

So I think that legal name changes certainly have benefits, and I don’t see anything wrong with them, but I do think that sometimes people do them for eye roll worthy reasons.

16

Quite honestly, I don’t think it’s anyone’s real business the details of a name change. It’s personal for a reason, and to make negative judgments on someone when you don’t know the story is ridiculous.

That being said, I am a bit biased as I’m changing mine. :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t think that I should have to explain my choice to people, some of my reasons are really no one elses concern. So long as it’s not for illegal purposes, I really don’t care at all if/how/when a person changes their name.

I do think it’s likely that others will view a name changer in negative light, though if it’s for as @blade and lemon put it “selfish reasons”

17

I think that’s PRECISELY what it boils down to – what a great and concise way to put it.

re: east93, I have seen little to no judgment on NB of people choosing to change their name. I have seen plenty of “are you sure? because you may encounter _________,” which I think is very different. So to me, the question of whether it’s “ridiculous” to make judgments on someone without knowing the whole store (of course it is) is a moot point here. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who’d argue that judging strangers who post little to no information on their situation IS justified, and hard pressed to find people here who are actually doing it.

“Judging” is a tricky word. I “judged” the referenced poster in that her description made her sound a certain age, of a certain psychological situation, etc. and that was my basis for mentioning concerns over her facing social problems as a result. It was not a “negative judgment,” just a deduction that informed my post. If she had said “I’m an adult who has, for very personal reasons, decided to change her name. Here are my choices, what do you think?” that would have been a VERY different story. In fact, I saw such a thread a few weeks ago… the woman posted pictures of herself and asked simply what names people thought fit her. People responded with a couple of suggestions and little else.

I stand by what I said about choosing carefully how you phrase posts in order to get the feedback that will be most useful to you, and this applies across the board no matter what the issue is. In the case of name changes, it’s best to give as little background info as possible because you immediately come across as over-explaining, which reads as preemptively defensive, which indicates insecurity in the decision, which readers latch on to as “the real issue here.”

Brevity is key, and even better, phrase it more vaguely:
“I’m looking for names that would fit a twenty-something, with auburn hair and a petite frame. She’s artsy and individualistic, values her uniqueness. I came up with these names, what are your thoughts and do you have suggestions?”

Or perhaps something simpler, along the lines of “who do you picture with these names?”

There are many “bottom lines” here, but I think the most relevant question is how people should approach the boards with this sort of issue. The question is NOT whether judgment is warranted (it isn’t), or whether readers should try to talk a poster out of the decision (if they’re certain, they should just ignore concerned weigh-er-in-ers). No one should be so easily offended by what were, from what I could tell, ENTIRELY inoffensive and detached posts simply pointing out possible downsides. EVERYONE should be aware of downsides, anecdotal or otherwise, and some people have not fully considered them.

18

I wasn’t saying that people on nameberry were being judgemental or ridiculous regarding name changes, not at all. That was a more general opinion on people in general who would react negatively [name]IRL[/name]. I wasn’t referring to a specific incident on here or anything.
(Pardon me for the lack of clarity. I’ve been in and out shoveling snow, so I’m rushing a lot of my replies. My mistakes.)

I agree with you on nameberry being un-judgemental regarding name changes, generally speaking. I have seen a few “there’s no reason for the name change, don’t do it.” type of replies, but that’s been over the years, and only 3 or so replies.

I haven’t seen the original topic that’s mention in the OP, so I had and have no comment directed towards that thread, the poster, or how anyone else responded to her topic. So no accusations or thinking you were judgmental towards her, will be coming from me. :slight_smile:

I agree with you on carefully choosing the right wording on how to phrase topics to get the best results. It’s something I do myself. :stuck_out_tongue:
I see your point there, it’s a very good one.

When it comes to explanations, you’re probably right on the brevity factor. However, those are the only kinds I’ve encountered on here. I’m assuming that the reference topic was not like that, if I could get a link to it that’s be appreciated.

19

To be clear, I didn’t intend the entirety of that post to be directed at you. The judgment thing was just a jumping-off point for the rest of my thoughts.

20

[name]Ah[/name], thank you. I had seen that topic, but I hadn’t read through the replies.

Gotcha, no worries. I understand.