Stealing a name?

Ok so I’ve come across a fair few posts like this in my time and always looked at them rather sourly but now I find myself in this situation I have a lot more sympathy. I need some pearls of wisdom on name stealing etiquette. I have a name I really like but I’d forgotten it is a top choice for a close friend of mine (who incidentally got the name idea from me originally). I cannot work out whether I can still consider this name or not so please help me out.

Have you have pinched someone else’s name? Was the relationship soured afterwards?Or on the flip side have you ever had your name choice taken out from underneath you? Was it easy to get over?Or even did you decide against using a name you loved because someone called dibs and regretted it?

For context the name is quite common with a few different nicknames. She knows I liked (past tense) it too but doesn’t know it’s on my list right now. I know no one owns a name but I’d still like to show some respect. [name_u]Baby[/name_u] is due in 20 days so I’m stress decided now. Any help appreciated x

This is so tricky because right now — at the pregnancy and newborn stage — the name seems like a really big deal. It’s one of the most exciting parts of expecting and announcing a baby, and also of awaiting a friend or family member’s birth announcement. I think that very intense focus on one of the few details we can give or hear about a new baby (besides weight, length, who he/she looks like, etc.) makes everyone way more sensitive about things like “name stealing” than they would be about, say, 14- or 40-year-old friends or cousins happening to share a name.

That doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal — it really is, to many people — I’m just trying to put things into perspective (with the disclaimer that your friend may not have the same sense of perspective).

If it’s a fairly common name, I think you’re in safer territory. With something like [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] or [name_f]Katherine[/name_f] or [name_f]Penelope[/name_f], your friend has to be expecting to meet other children with the name a fair amount. If we were talking [name_f]Araminta[/name_f], [name_f]Ottilie[/name_f] or [name_f]Eponine[/name_f], then that would be a different matter. But we’re not, and it sounds like your girls could choose to go by different nicknames, if she ever ended up using the name as well.

Also in your favour is the fact that she knows you like the name, and that you already liked it when she first got the idea (from you). It’s not like she’s mentioned it as her lifelong favourite and you’ve jumped on the bandwagon afterwards and nabbed it before she got a chance to use it.

That said, only you know your friend, her temperament and your relationship. [name_m]How[/name_m] do you think she’d take it if you used the name? Would your friendship be at risk? Would it be worth it to use the name in question, or are there other, drama-free, names you like just as much? Would it be worth asking for her “blessing”, or might this be a recipe for disaster if she says she doesn’t want you to use it — what would you do then?

As I said, only you know the answer to these questions, but as an impartial outsider it doesn’t sound like you’d be “stealing” “her” name. But that doesn’t mean she won’t see it that way!

You could discuss it with your close friend. Maybe she’s having a hard time choosing between that name and another, and you letting her know you like this name for yourself will help her choose. I think the most respectful thing you can do is ask.

When this happened to my daughter, the problem was solved when one had a boy, the other a girl. Any chance of that?
Since you say there are multiple NNs, I’d try to get her to say what she intends to CALL her child. That way you could downplay the given name and just call yours by a distinct NN. Never give up a name you love. You may only get one chance to use it!

Since your baby is due in 20 days and this name is on your shortlist? If you have other names you really like, I don’t think it would be the end of the world to rule this one out (helps you narrow down!).
However, I would second the idea that you talk to this friend - your baby is almost here! Talk to her and say that actually that name is on your list and you’re really stuck with it, see if she says ‘oh no, don’t worry about it! [name_m]Feel[/name_m] free to use it I won’t mind at all’ or if she says ‘But I really love this name’.

I think if you haven’t settled on ‘THE’ name yet, then it’s reasonable to say to your friend ‘hey so we have been really considering X for [name_u]Baby[/name_u], but I know you mentioned that you also really love it’. The fact you’ll discuss such coveted information with her may also soften her up!

I actually posted about this the other day. A co worker “stole” my son’s name. I feel it took me months to process my feelings (thanks to NB support I was able to work through it fairly quickly after posting). A few things to consider

  1. This is a close friend which implies your children will spend a lot of time together. Would it bother you if they had the same name? Because just because you use it doesn’t mean she will go with something else, so if it would annoy you, pick something else
  2. Is it in the top say 250? Is the name rising in popularity? Because if so, they are going to meet others, that’s just how it goes. What difference does it make if it’s a friends child or a kid around the block
  3. You came up with it first. Doesn’t mean you own it, but neither does she.
  4. The most hurtful part in my situation wasn’t that she used the name. It was that she got the idea from me and plays “the I’m so creative” card. I love that she used the name, I just wanted her to acknowledge she got it from me. I feel if you acknowledge her and her feelings it should be fine. If you plan on using the name, give her a heads up so she can go with something else if it bothers her

It sounds like you’ve talked names before, I think the only way to approach this now is to talk to your friend.
[name_m]Say[/name_m] that while sitting waiting for your little girl to arrive in a cloud of pregnancy brain and while musing over her potential names… You realized… And panicked that your dear friend may have the same name in mind… You’re trying to choose your perfect name and now want her advice because you don’t want to be any sort of name thief but you’re feeling very torn! Is she expecting also and is her baby also a girl? There’s a real chance that she has this name tucked away hopefully awaiting her own daughter either way, I would ask her. I know many people close enough that their use of various boys names has meant I crossed names off my list. That said… It made me happy because they weren’t my top top picks though and they got used by kids in our life! She may love the idea! If it’s the one she has for sure decided on though… [name_m]Just[/name_m] talk to her… She’s the only one who knows how she feels about this. And she will probably appreciate you coming to her with it and not just using the name and she may even love being in on the decision a little bit.

I think a conversation should definitely be had. If it were my name that got stolen just before I used it, I would be offended, BUT it would also depend on the strength of the friendship how easy it would be to get over. There are so many names available! If you have a couple top contenders, you could always wait til the baby is born and look into her eyes and see if it’s “the name”, or if your other choice fits better. But either way, out of courtesy, I would just talk with your friend about it.

I think I may be in the minority, but I think it’s whoever gets their first. You could try speaking to her and seeing what she says, but I also don’t see the issue in you both having the name. If there’s a lot of NNs available then it’s possible their NN will be different.

This is more or less how I feel. It’s possible your friend won’t have a daughter, and then no one uses the name.

On the other hand, there are so many great names out there to choose from and maybe it isn’t worth the grief. Either way, share your feelings with your friend. :slight_smile:

Let me be another voice suggesting you talk to your friend. I’m willing to bet a five-minute conversation would solve this pickle.

Another vote for talking to your friend! She may wave it off and give her blessing. Or she may need some time to process. I think the part that will really help this entire situation is you being upfront with her. Not implying you would/are, but if you were to keep quiet about it, name your daughter the name, and then pretend you didn’t know she liked it/was considering it, I would say you were totally in the wrong.

No one “owns” a name, but with friends and family, common courtesy is imperative. I think the fact that you are showing concern for your friend’s feelings is really considerate. For me, a friend coming and talking to me would make a world of difference. Also, you mention it is on her short list. Unless it’s THE name for her, I don’t think she can be too, too bothered by it. I have about fifteen names total in mind for future kids and only one name is one that I’d be totally crushed/bummed if a close friend/family member used.

[name_m]Just[/name_m] for perspective, the only name that I am beyond over the moon about is my boy name, [name_m]Harrison[/name_m]. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t get my wrong, I love all the names on my list, but [name_m]Harrison[/name_m] is the name that gives me that warm, happy feeling when spoken or read. If I have a boy, there is no question his name will be [name_m]Harrison[/name_m]. That’s been my pick since I was a little girl. If a good friend wanted to use it, I would absolutely be crushed, but my love for my friends transcends my love of the name. I would have to process, but then I would get over it and give my blessing. However, if the friend selected the name and pretended that she didn’t know I liked it (it is common knowledge between my friends and family members that [name_m]Harrison[/name_m] is THE name), I would be furious.