I was just wondering if there were very many other step-mothers here. If so, I thought it might be nice to have a thread dedicated to the struggles and joys that come along with that.
I am also hoping that I could get some advice from those who are experienced. I really want some ideas on how to get the kids involved with this pregnancy. We have the girls fairly often, as their mother travels for work, but we see [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] less. I am sure part of it has to do with the fact that he is a 13 year old boy, but he just doesn’t seem very excited about having a new little sibling.
Any advice/tips/stories about how to get the kids involved (and preferably excited) and how to make things go well with a blended family is appreciated
I could technically say I’m a step mom as dh has a son from his first marriage but we never see him. His mom moved him across the country and dh is active duty military. Maybe in the future we will be able to see him but she makes it nearly impossible.
Since SO and I aren’t married yet, I’m not technically a step mom but [name_m]Bo[/name_m] and [name_u]Tally[/name_u] are just as much my children as they are SO’s.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Corajsb and Congrats on [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Chicken
I’m a stepmum too and also have a teenage stepson. However he lives with us full time and sees his Mum once a year. I totally agree that stepmotherhood has it’s challenges and joys.
I think what is probably important for [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] at the moment, is that he feels he can voice to an adult however he is feeling about a new sibling. He may not be excited and may feel that he will get less attention from his Das when a new sibling comes. Or he may be excited, but he may show it differently to you. It’s important though that he can talk about it honestly and feel that he is being heard.
Maybe the next time he is over, your husband and [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] could have some one on one time, (and a chat about baby chicken). [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] may want to talk to someone else and thats cool too.
I find that my stepson and I are both relational. He openly talks to me. This is fantastic but it can also be challenging as I don’t always want to hear about it (ie how things were when his parents split up and how he felt about that). Yet I know it’s important that he is able to talk about what’s on his heart and I know I’ve got to be the adult. Sometimes it’s hard telling my heart what my mind knows.
Sorry I haven’t really answered your question about getting the stepkids excited. I haven’t been in that situation yet, but will have a think about it. I think it’s awesome that you care so much for them and want them involved.
Hootowl and Casilda, great to make contact with other stepmoms
I am technically a stepmother to a 15 year old girl. My husband had a baby with his girlfriend when he was 19 years old (duh) and he has been through 2 custody battles and lots of heartache. We never see her (she lives in [name_m]Vermont[/name_m]) but they do communicate on the phone and on Facebook. Although I don’t really feel like a stepmom, I technically am one.
I’m not a step-mum, but I am a step-daughter, and I went through this seven years ago. My dad and step-mum showed us scans, and got our opinions on names for the baby, and generally involved us in things like that. I’m not sure how it would work with a teenage boy, but I’m sure the girls would be excited. Also, maybe get them making something for the new baby, or helping to pick out nursery things.
It’s not the best advice, I know, but as someone who’s been through it (twice because my mother and step-dad had a baby too), I know what the kids are going through. It might take some time for them to get used to the idea, but I’m sure once they meet their new brother or sister they’ll love him/her.
I’m a stepmom to two teenagers. It definitely has its struggles, especially when the children’s other parent isn’t cooperative. But luckily we can afford a good lawyer now so things are a bit better than they have been in the past. My stepkids were just here for their long summer visit, and it’s always sad when they leave–the house is so quiet and boring!
In many ways our relationship feels more like a relationship between a much-older sibling and younger siblings rather than between a mother and children. The age difference between us is only 10-12 years; in fact I am slightly closer to the kids in age than I am to my husband. The parenting ground rules were pretty much set in stone when I entered the picture (the kids were 8 and 10 at the time). I definitely make comments to my husband about things that we will do differently when I am the parent and have more of a say (mealtime rules for preventing picky eaters, cell phone rules are examples).
I learn as much from them as they do from me. But I do think it is beneficial for the kids to hear different, honest perspectives from another adult who cares about them, especially during the teenage years. I don’t have advice yet for integrating the stepkids with the new baby…for us, the kids will be in college or close to it by that time, so I hope that by maintaining a good relationship and a loving, open door, they will want to still see us during some holidays or whenever they get a chance. They get excited when we talk about baby names, so I think they will.
Last week when they were here, my husband was talking about past girlfriends and asked my stepdaughter if she remembered meeting one of his past girlfriends and the girlfriend’s daughter. She looked at him questioningly “What? I only remember [name_f]Amity[/name_f].” That made me feel good.
I’m so glad that there are others on here who can relate!
@hootowl: It is unfortunate that you and your husband are not able to actively be a part of your step-son’s life. Like you said, hopefully someday!
@casilda: I know what you mean! From almost the very first time I met my now husband’s children, I felt like they were mine. I think the love between a step-parent and step-child is so special and unless you’ve experienced it, it is difficult to understand!
@frangipani: Thank you! We are so excited for [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Chicken to get here! I appreciate your insight. I really like the idea of having him hang out with his dad and have my husband casually bring up the baby. [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] and I have a good relationship, but it may be something he is not comfortable discussing with me. After all, he probably new how much I wanted a baby and if he is not so thrilled, he may just be trying to take my feelings into consideration. I am hoping that once we find out the gender and the kids know if they are having a brother or sister it will become more “real” to them.
@rowangreeneyes: I’m sorry that there has been a lot of heartache in your family. Hopefully someday (maybe when your step-daughter is older) you can all be more involved in each others lives.
@laugh-dream-love: Thanks for giving me some insight into what it may look like from their end! It is nice to get a different perspective. The girls are very excited and I am sure that eventually [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] will come around.
@iamamiam: I understand the oddness of a quiet, empty home when the kids leave. I think that is part of the reason why I am so excited to have this little one, just to get to be a “full-time” mom and not have that loneliness.
I just wanted to chime in and say that I’m not a step-mom, but I do have a great step-mom and a lot of experience in blended families. (My mom was remarried as well, and that was a bit of a disaster, so I also have experienced how NOT to handle step-parenting.) If you ever want to know more about life from the step-kid point of view, feel free to message me.
In terms of [name_m]Josiah[/name_m],part of his lack of enthusiasm may just be because he’s a boy and 13-year-old boys are generally not into babies. Maybe he’ll come around when he sees the baby. Also I didn’t see if you said how often he is with you and how often with his mom, but boys are often very protective of their moms. My brother very much felt like the “man of the house” when my dad moved out, and that led him to be fiercely protective. [name_m]Josiah[/name_m] may feel that if he gets excited about the baby, somehow that is being disloyal to his mom. (NOT that his mom necessarily makes him feel that way; it’s just a weird divorced kid thing. My parents have been split up for 25 years and I still try to make sure I treat them equally.)
Another thing (sorry, I’ve written a novel here), is the whole issue of sex. My mom got pregnant when I was 14 and I remember being excited, but also weirded out. You’re at this age where you’re full of hormones and have boys/dating/etc. on the brain. To tell your friends that your mom or step-mom is pregnant is akin to saying your parents have sex. For most of my friends with married parents, they could blissfully pretend their parents lived chaste lives, but I couldn’t. It’s hard to wrap your head around the idea that your parents are sexual beings, much less when your hormones are going nuts yourself. Does this make any sense? It could be that none of this is an issue for [name_m]Josiah[/name_m], but I wanted to throw it out there. 13-year-olds have a lot going on, and it’s a great idea to make sure he has enough one-on-one time with his dad so he can bring stuff up if he wants, or just know that even though there’s a baby coming, he’s still important to his dad.
