Okay, I wanted your opinions on something. My family is riddled with divorces and remarriages. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin, just trying to keep up. My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] just got engaged, to a man that neither I, my husband, or my siblings-in-law have met (she’s been with him for a few months, but whatever, it is her life and not the point of the post). Him and my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] are already bringing up that they want grandkids from us…like STAT. According to [name_f]MIL[/name_f], he can’t wait to be a grandpa. On my side of the family, my mom’s most recent husband, of about a year, is saying things along the same lines. And honestly, it rubs me the wrong way in both situations. You can’t just swoop into the life of someone related to me, toss together a ‘relationship’, and dictate expectations of what MY offspring are to you, especially stepping over the boundaries of the actual relatives.
Divorce is so common, so I’m sure a number of you all have some sort of experience in dealing with something similar. I guess I’m fine with these people having a semblance of a relationship with my future kids, but it brings up a question: what do you have your kids call someone like this? It feels wrong to have them call either of these guys “grandpa”. It’s common where I live to call grandparents/step-grandparents by pet names, like [name_f]Mimi[/name_f], Pops, Pop Pop, etc. So maybe that is an option? [name_m]Just[/name_m] not sure what is appropriate.
I’m sorry, guys, I’m not fully sure what I am asking. DH and I are kinda thrown and miffed right now. I guess how did you/how do you deal with these situations and do you have suggestions on what our future kids could potentially call these people who are suddenly in our lives?
We had a similar problem with our families with a remarriage and a couple long time on and off again relationships. DH’s dad remarried a few years ago and now she will be called [name_f]Mimi[/name_f]. Both my parents have been in relationships on and off for about 15 years now and we decided they can only be called by their first names as that’s what we call them.
Our reasoning is that they are not consistent enough to be deemed grandma or grandpa in any form of the name. DH’s stepmom however is already invested in our daughter’s life and we see her carrying on a healthy relationship should they ever divorce.
DH grew up with both his paternal grandparents remarried while he was very young. At first I said they weren’t really grandparents to him, but he grew up calling them grandma and grandpa and they love him as a grandson. Being a grandparent doesn’t have to mean blood related, but rather committed to being a constant person in a child’s life.
If you don’t want to call them grandpa that’s perfectly fine. Honestly, you have plenty of time to decide what to call them and they may even prefer something different like Pops or Papa or whatever. I wouldn’t let them stress you about having kids if you aren’t ready though. If it bothers you just tell them kindly that you will have kids when you are good and ready. I hope this helps you and try not to worry!
Your reaction is completely reasonable in my opinion, and I think you should consider telling them directly.
I’m not in this position but I think I would probably just have the kids call them by their names, as I presume you do. If they aren’t your parents and played no part in raising you or your husband, then they won’t be your children’s grandparents. You’re absolutely right, you can’t just jump into someone’s life and make that sort of claim on their children. They can be part of your kids’ extended family, but obviously they are not direct relatives in any sense.
You can always start off calling them by their names and it can evolve from there in the future. The relationships are still in the early phases and you barely know them, so I don’t think they should expect more than that. It really just depends on the culture of your family. [name_m]Just[/name_m] like some people are nicknamers and some aren’t, I wouldn’t feel worried about what’s appropriate and what’s not. What works for your family is what is appropriate.
As for my own experience, My parents are old school, so growing up I couldn’t just call adults by their first name (I still feel disrespectful doing it now), so my step grandmother started out being called Ms. grandmother’s name by her request. She was uncomfortable asking to be called grandmother because these set of grandparents weren’t speaking to my parents before I came along. Since I was a toddler with a mind of my own, I didn’t stick to Ms and switched it to grandmom her name. Grandmom and grandpa are still formal to me but still showed more kinship than any other adult. To make a long story short, sometimes the kids end up deciding. Or in your case, if in-laws have kids and pick a certain name, your child might pick up on it and use it too. However, none of my relatives were biologically related to me so I didn’t feel a pull one way or another. It was more about how involved people were in my life.
I’ll also add that I think putting up boundaries would be a good thing. When you have multiple different families to try to make happy they’ll all want to see you, so it’s important to figure out how to keep your sanity. And just finding a non-confrontational way to say that you’ll have kids when you want to have kids.
@cyoung325: Yes, the consistency definitely seems to be a huge issue in these kinds of situations! My [name_f]MIL[/name_f] is with a new guy every few months…I don’t want my kids to get attached to a grandpa figure, only to have them walk away. As far as the blood relation thing, my situation was similar to that of your husband’s, in some respects, except that my maternal grandparents had remarried long before I was born. I call my step-grandpa “grandpa” and my step-grandma “grandma”. It never was an issue, but I know it caused some issues with my mom, because her step-mom was allegedly extremely abusive to her and my uncle…
@jackal: Thanks! I’m definitely not bold enough to talk to them about it at this point, and they are all pretty unreasonable people, but it will definitely be a conversation to have. They really do think they have the right to be considered our parents, and our children’s grandparents…to the point of putting down our actual relatives. Sigh. It’s complicated.
@ottertails: I grew up with the same ‘rules’…not being able to call adults by their names, the exception being able to call my former step-father by his first name. My grandparents have always been “Grandpa and Grandma LastName”. Following my upbringing, I am a bit uncomfortable with the idea of my kids calling them by their first names only. Unfortunately, our kids will be the first (and likely only) grandkids on DH’s side, so our kids will I guess get to choose their grandparents’ names. And thanks for the tidbit on boundaries! Fully agree! It’s hard enough trying to keep them happy with the holidays…I can’t imagine what it will be like when kids are in the mix.
I agree with pp that your children can address them by their first name. They are in no way related to your children and it’s not as if they’ve been in you and your husband’s lives for a long time.
I would suggest lurking [name_u]Baby[/name_u] Center’s DWIL Nation to learn about setting boundaries if you foresee any issues with either family concerning that aspect. Be warned they are blunt over there and will call it like they see it. If you do decide to post be sure to read the Sticky first.
@jtucker: Thanks for the input! That may be what we will go with! I’ve checked out the DWIL Nation once before and yeah, they tore apart a woman who wanted some advice…wasn’t expecting that. Still, it seems like that community can be a good resource to keep in mind, but I need to grow a pair to visit that site again, let alone post on it lol
My dad’s parents are divorced, so we had a similar situation growing up. My grandpa (whom we call Grandpa 'last name") remarried before I was born, and we called his wife Grandma ‘first name’. After my step-grandma passed away, my grandpa remarried (when all of the grandkids were teens/adults). Now we just call his new wife by her first name. My grandma (called: Grandma ‘last name’, which is the same last name as her divorced husband) did not remarry, but has been in a relationship with the same man for almost my whole life, and we call him by his first name. It sounds like a confusing situation for kids to be in, but we never questioned who were our biological grandparents, and never doubted that all of them loved us.
I guess it depends on the situation and relationship with the family members in question.
lol