As pretty much all of you know, my husband and I have been TTC for 2 years now. Last year, I at one point got a very, very faint positive pregnancy test. I tested the next day, making sure it was FMU and all of that, and the line was a bit darker. I decided to wait a few days and test again, to make sure that the line got darker. However, when I went to test again, the test was strongly negative. I was able to get in to see my doctor that day and they had me take a pregnancy test there. It was negative. When I told him what had been going on and showed him the pictures showing I had a few positives just a few days before, he told me that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy. I was confused as to what that meant, but he told me that it was extremely common, especially since pregnancy tests these days allow women to find out they are pregnancy much earlier than ever before. Anyhow, very soon after my appointment, I had terrible cramping and the bleeding came. The doctor told me to anticipate this…
Here it is, months later, and I must confess that I’ve really been struggling with it. However, I feel stupid talking to my husband about it, because the doctor only told me his suspicions, not actually confirmed anything. It just doesn’t feel…valid?..to have this feeling of mourning. I still feel very depressed and confused about this whole thing. My husband is trying to be understanding, but he doesn’t even know if we have the right to feel sad about it. I thought about talking with one of my female pastors, but child loss has recently touched her family, and I just don’t want to bring that up to her. The only other person that I have told is my mother, and she just gave me a confused look but didn’t seem at all bothered.
I just needed to get this out, really. I don’t know what to feel, what I can feel, and how to feel. There’s a lot of pain here and I’ve been trying very hard to hide it and just look to what each month can bring, but it’s hard to make that work.
So…thank you for those who give this a read and listen. It makes me feel not so pent up and alone
Of course you have a right to feel sad. Nobody (or at least nobody you should listen to) is going to tell you that you’re not allowed feelings. After trying for so long, it’s understandable that a little spark of hope causes strong emotions, and that you’d feel a sense of loss now.
First off, no one can tell you how to feel. You’ve been through a lot and it’s understandable that you feel upset and hurt by it all. A chemical pregnancy is still a loss and no one should down play that. I think it might be beneficial to find someone you can talk to about it all. I know that my regular OBGYN and the fertility clinic I went to can refer you to support groups so maybe you can start talking to your doctor about what he recommends. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you start feeling better soon.
Firstly, I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share this with us. Staying with it locked inside isn’t helpful. Buried pain has a way of coming back even worse and causing more damage.
Of course you are allowed to feel sad, frustrated, etc. You are human and it makes sense that this would affect you. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t feel bad for being emotionally invested in the journey that you’re on. If you truly felt you were pregnant, then it makes sense that you feel the loss.
I think it would be worth chatting to your husband. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if he doesn’t understand your emotions fully, it will be helpful and healthy for you to be honest and open with him on the subject. It will be easier for him to support you, if he knows what you’re feeling. When I’m struggling with something, I find involving my partner is very helpful for thinking out loud and working through what I’m feeling. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if he doesn’t get things from my side, I feel better knowing he’s in the loop and that he respects my feelings enough to listen.
Speaking to your pastor is also a good idea. I’m sure she would not mind - after all, tending to your emotional and spiritual needs is what she’s chosen as her vocation. Her experience means that she’ll probably be able to connect with you well on the issue. Obviously, a question to approach with grace and tack, but one worth asking.
You don’t need to hide what you’re feeling, honey. It is totally 100% valid.
Thanks, ladies <3 your words are uplifting to me. I’m thinking about it, and I think one of the main things that bothers me and leads me to question if I can feel sad about this, is that it isn’t like a confirmed then lost pregnancy. The only proof I have are a few pictures of positive tests, plus a doctor’s theory. This is why I’m so confused, if that makes sense
I didn’t even get a positive, but had what I thought was implantation bleeding and other signs for a few days. Then when my period came it was so different. I did test and just got negatives, but even now I think it was the start of a pregnancy that didn’t make it. It was just different, and it was a huge blow at the time. Testing to see if I was having an early miscarriage left its mark after many months of TTC, especially when my sister announced her (4th) pregnancy the very same day. It felt so unfair and I still feel guilty about my feelings at the time but it just hurt so much.
So yeah, I totally get it. And I think if you got a faint positive then it was indeed a confirmed chemical pregnancy (unlike mine). I wish everyone could just dismiss them as something natural that happens, or look at it as a good sign because it means you got all the way to implantation! But it just isn’t that easy.
Of course you feel upset by your loss, whether there was a baby or not. I think that you should morn the loss of a possible little soul and morn the wee souk however you want and however you feel is right for you.
I agree with a previous poster that you should talk to your pastor as this is her vocation and I am sure that she wouldn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t approach her.
If you ever need somebody to talk to then please feel free to contact me. Lots of love and positive vibes being sent you way!
I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way [name_f]Alyssa[/name_f]. It’s absolutely natural to feel that hurt and loss - perhaps even more so since you don’t have the “closure”, so to speak, of knowing exactly what happened. Please don’t feel like that makes your struggles any less valid!
A few tests and a Drs theory is enough to confirm that something was obviously happening. Also, I tend to believe that your body and soul knows what is happening, so if you feel that there was a loss then I believe there was. You don’t need to feel confused, honey. Just embrace your emotions. Once you embrace them, you can work upwards from there. Hugs to you. Xx
you know about the one I went through, and that’s why I haven’t been very active here for a while. I just haven’t felt up to all the hopeful chatter. honestly I still don’t, but I’m really trying to push myself out of it. I guess the only thing I have to say is that a loss is a loss. some people can just shake it off and keep going, and some of us need to mourn.
I had a chemical pregnancy the month before [name_m]Leo[/name_m] was conceived. The doctor called it an early miscarriage but I was only about 4 weeks along. I took a pregnancy test on the [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] and it was positive. Excitedly, I took one the next day and it was still positive. Then, later that night, bleeding began. Very lightly. So I wasn’t sure what was happening. By the end of the week I’d had bleeding every day, although it was lighter than my normal period, so I would keep wondering even after I conceived [name_m]Leo[/name_m], if it was the same baby. Because even though the doctor confirmed the pregnancy was over, conceiving [name_m]Leo[/name_m] so soon after, and there being so little bleeding, made me wonder.
It wasn’t the same baby. [name_m]Leo[/name_m] was born right on schedule and wasn’t abnormally large or anything. But I wondered for nine months.
My partner and I still talk about that baby sometimes. We wonder what it might have been, a boy or a girl. This month that baby would have been a year old, I don’t know when obviously, but I can’t help but think about it.
Everyone we told were very dismissive. It seemed nobody knew what to say. I feel like I wasn’t far along enough for it to be a “real” miscarriage and a “real” loss but at the same time, it is.
You definitely are not alone. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s a horrible disappointment.
It is normal to feel sad about it. A chemical pregnancy is very common and many women do not even understand it. It is very helpful to talk to people about this issue, it is very difficult to deal with it alone.
I know it is not my business but if the condition is common, you may consider IVF. A relative of mine went through the same condition and eventually though IVF she gave birth to twins.
I wish you courage and patience through this situation. I will pray for you, may God bless you and give you the child you so much want. All the best for you!
@mc: I’m so sorry this happened to you, too. I wish it was easier to ‘get over’, too, but I guess it isn’t that way for some. When I looked around online, to see if there were articles or forum posts that could offer insight, I found a lot of things saying to just brush it off and move on. Definitely easier said than done.
@katinka: Thank you! I think the lack of closure has been one of the hardest struggles.
@mummacat92: That’s true and a good way to look at it. I’ve dealt with late cycles and all that before, but this one was so much different than anything else, so maybe my body did know. Thank you!
@oneofthetrio: Yes, I remember and I’ve been thinking of you! I’m sorry that this happened…it isn’t easy at all.
@lilimorgana: I’m so sorry you know, I think the terminology is something that makes it harder, too. Chemical pregnancy vs. early miscarriage…I think they are both the same thing, but one sounds more concrete than the other. Hmm. I love that you and your husband still acknowledge and talk about that baby. Mine…just doesn’t know what to think
@nora.rosenberg: True. I wish there was more education out there. As far as IVF, that isn’t really an option for us just yet, if at all (it’s horribly expensive). My husband wants me to wait to go back to see the doctor until we have settled into the new house and pay some things off but I’m supposed to go back some time this year and we will see what the doctor recommends next. Thank you so much.
I just want to thank you all again for the kind, thoughtful responses and shared stories. I’m sorry to keep this at the top of the forum and take away attention from other thread posts, but this has helped me a lot. I’m not sure why this has been hitting me so hard lately- so many months have passed by- but it has been. Anyhow, I hope that the rainbow from this storm comes soon for all of us…
I think the hardest thing about miscarriages (and especially early miscarriages) is that there aren’t really good grieving rituals, and there certainly aren’t public ways of grieving. The whole process seems so secret and yet open-ended, with no real resolution.
After our early miscarriage I told my husband–who was sad, but not taking it as hard as I was–that I felt a little crazy, because I felt like I had a relationship with a person who wasn’t totally a person, but the relationship still changed me. It’s like they were a fictional character, but at least with a character from a book you can give the book to someone else to read and they can maybe come to understand why you connected and why the character is so important to you and has shaped you. But with miscarriage, its really just you and maybe your partner or a friend who’s had a similar experience, and most people will never even know they existed. I will say that just saying everything out loud to my counselor (whom I see regularly anyway) about it was helpful, so I hope that you are able to talk your pastor or someone else who’s trained to listen.
All that to say, I don’t have any answers, but I just want to affirm that it’s totally normal to feel confused and weird and not sure if you should be grieving, but to feel like you’re grieving nonetheless. <3
you know, I think the terminology is something that makes it harder, too. Chemical pregnancy vs. early miscarriage…I think they are both the same thing, but one sounds more concrete than the other. Hmm. I love that you and your husband still acknowledge and talk about that baby. Mine…just doesn’t know what to think