My grandmother threw a fit last night over my father saying that since my brother and I are both extremely [name]German[/name] he finds it funny that my brother likes to hear about the Irish side of the family and is much more into that part of the tree.
She started insisting that my dad’s family is French and we’re all a bunch of idiots for thinking otherwise. My dad’s grandparents immigrated from Germany with their young son (my dad’s bio father). The only reference of a family member in [name]France[/name] is a [name]German[/name] soldier settling in Normandy. However my grandmother has blatantly said the she will not talk to me until I get this “stupid nonsense about being [name]German[/name] out of my head”.
Being about 3/4 [name]German[/name], 1/8 Irish and 1/8 French (my maternal great grandmother was French and married to a [name]German[/name]) and living in one of the most [name]German[/name] citites I think its a bit ridiculous.
My mom’s genealogist cousin has been looking into it and says that after nosing around for a day it seems my dad’s family is [name]German[/name] and not French but without knowing birth dates, death dates, etc he can’t find much else.
[name]Do[/name] I write my grandmother off as crazy? Because after this last visit I do not look forward to seeing her again which will keep my infrequent visits infrequent.
Obviously I can’t verify through an online forum whether you are [name]German[/name], French, Chinese or Martian, but it sounds like you know what you are. Typically grandparents know more about one’s heritage and genealogy than do their grandchildren, but you have to take into consideration your grandma’s age and the possibility of dementia developing, along with the possibility of her denial of your roots perhaps stemming from feelings over WWII. She is either crazy, lying, or telling the truth, and I have no way of knowing which it is. The question is, do you want to let that stand in the way of your relationship with her? Grandmas aren’t going to be in our lives for very long. Regardless of the question of your roots, your grandma is a very big living part of those roots, and her days are numbered. She is the one who expressed that she didn’t want to talk to you anymore, and if that’s true then perhaps the choice is out of your hands. But if she was just saying that in frustration, as I suspect may be the case, then it seems like the right thing to do would be to forgive her and nurture your relationship with her. It’s up to you how much your grandma means to you. If you have stayed away from her for self-protection because she is a cruel woman, then you may need to keep doing just that, but I don’t know that an argument over one’s heritage is worth severing a relationship over.
Alzora is wise. 
It’s not something I’d let stand in my way. I’d still go visit grandma and if she brings it up, I’d casually nod and agree with her (even if I didn’t agree), and maybe ask a few questions. Perhaps there’s a reason she’s adamant you’re French?
I have no idea why she started insisting that I’m French. Especially considering she has some very strong opinions against [name]France[/name]. It was out of the blue.
But my grandmother and I haven’t had a good relationship in 5-6 years since I decided that Catholicism was too uptight and I started looking at religion differently than her. She often asks my opinion in controversial topics and get mad if I give my opinion or refuse to give my opinion in the attempts to prevent a fight. And since every difference of opinion ends in “I’m not talking to you” I keep my distance and visit at the holidays despite her living 1/2 a mile away.
My grandma insisted that her side of the family were Scottish. When I looked into it I found that all of them were very Irish. My mum thinks it stems from my grandma being told not to mention that the family were Irish because of prejudices in [name]England[/name] when they first moved over.
That would make sense. But I don’t see what would be wrong with being French pre-WWI, as far as know there weren’t many/any prejudices. It seems being [name]German[/name] would have been the more prejudiced.
Your heritage is German, you shouldn’t deny that as it’s part of you.
(I kind of think that your grandmother is being rude- like being german is bad? but she’s your grandmother and old people often have vastly different views from people today so although you can decide to let her know your opinon it sounds like she’s in denial and won’t even listen. So considering that it is a private matter within your family anyway it’s probably best to just accept her as she is.)
Some older people thinks they are right about everything, and if a younger person disagree then they are obviously just too young and stupid to understand.
I had a really close relationship with my grandmother when I was younger. She was such a kind, happy and fun woman. Now I admit I rarely visit her alone as all she does is complain about everything from her cleaning help to people on tv. I hate seeing my wonderful grandmother transforming into a grumpy old woman.
I would just avoid the subject when visiting your grandmother. And if she brings it up - ask her to share some stories about that side of the family…
Thanks. I probably won’t see her until Friday when I drop my brother off at her house but if I have to talk to her maybe it’ll help.
I find that a lot of older people have “you must respect your elders” syndrome, aka ‘i’m old so i’m right and you aren’t allowed to say otherwise.’ It sounds like your grandmother might be one of them.
I would explain to her how you feel about your heritage and the reasons that you have for doing so, and if she continues to be ridiculous, tell her that unless she can respect your genealogy you don’t have anything to say to her on the matter. If she tries to bring it up, tell her that she’s wrong and try to change the subject, or just leave altogether.
That’s probably a little harsh, but it sounds like you aren’t very close to her so that might not matter to you. Being the kind of person who doesn’t respect anyone on principle alone, but on the way that they treat me and others, I often clash with my elders–my own grandmother (the queen of hags) especially.
I wish that’s how it worked. My whole family has “respect your elders” syndrome. It really doesn’t work for me. Especially when my elders can be particularly hateful. My grandma often starts screaming very racial or bigoted things. Last argument we had before this was her telling me I was a hate filled baby killer.
It sucks that your grandma is that bad. Like I said, our varying opinions almost gaurentee that we don’t get along. My mother and I have a rocky relationship too based on the same thing.
I can completely sympathize–my entire family is filled with bigoted, conservative, racists! I refuse to show them the respect that they demand and it gets me into an awful lot of trouble, especially with my dad.
I’m extremely lucky that my dad let’s me have and voice my own opinions even when they disagree with his own. He is the only one that I have a good (great) relationship with.
My political views are all over the place. My family is Catholic so no abortion, no birth control no gay marriage, etc. I’m for all of those things. I don’t see where gay marriage hurts anyone; if someone wants to have an abortion, fine. [name]Just[/name] don’t ask me to have one. And I’m on birth control for medical reasons and for actual birth control. Its topics like that frustrate my family. And adoption of any kind but especially trans-racial adoptions (but that’s a different rant for a different time).
[name]One[/name] thing that I find funny is as much as a have different view points from Catholicism I’m getting ready to go to a Catholic school because it is well known around here for its science programs and to be on campus beyond have a church by the dorms and a few saint statues it feels completely nonreligious.
I have no help with this at all, but I will say that my generation, my parents generation and my grandparents generation are so different, that opinions can turn into rows very quickly. For e.g, my [name]Nan[/name], after spotting two black people in town, said to me “they have just come off the banana boat.” my FIL to be, after finding out that my fiancé’s coworker is black, said to me “did you know [name]Bryan[/name] has to work with black people?” and seemed quite surprised about it, and my mum has said that “gay/lesbians? I don’t agree with it”. I’m all for freedom of speech, but sometimes I wish they would keep those sort of opinions to themselves, as personally, I find it offensive. But try telling them that! All hell breaks out.