Surname change for children? (sorry, long!)

Name Advice
1

Hi berries, I hope to get some of your opinions on changing my children’s surname to my hyphenated surname.

When my husband and I got married almost ten years ago, I hyphenated his name with my maiden name to which I am very attached (mine in front). In his family, hyphenating is frowned upon and so I always felt a little embarrassed that I went this route (during the first years, I even kept it a secret from his parents and hid my mail whenever they came over - hello people pleaser!). When our children were born, I said I wanted them to have his surname. My husband even asked me if I was sure, but I felt they shouldn’t be burdened with my long name (and of course I worried what other people would think).

Well, fast forward seven years (when our first daughter was born) and I really, really regret this decision. I have come to cherish my long, hyphenated surname and don’t feel like it would have been such a burden after all. It pains me a lot that my children only carry his surname.

I also went the people pleasing route when choosing their first and middle names and have been dealing with on and off name regret concerning my second daughter’s name. Their middle names are honor names for his family, which wasn’t even his choice. He didn’t care much for middle names and it was actually I who chose them. They are beautiful names that flow nicely with our childrens’ first names, but they don’t represent my family at all.

Our children are now 5 and 7 and I am thinking about asking my husband to make a surname change so all of us would have the hyphenated version of our surnames (in our country, the law allows for such a change). I asked him some time ago if he could imagine having my hyphenated name and he said yes, but that he wouldn’t want the children to have to adjust to a new surname.
But the thing is, it wouldn’t be a completely new surname, since of course my children are very familiar with it. Also, they would keep their current surname, just with my maiden name in front. And it’s not unheard of for children to have a surname change. A boy in my daugther’s class had his father’s surname attached to his mother’s maiden name when his parents got married (the whole family has hyphenated surnames now).

There’s one additional problem that this change would solve for me: One of my daughters has very unfortunate initials with her current surname. Since we already struggled to name her, I let myself be convinced that it’s a non-issue, but I regret not giving this more thought. I often think about it and feel very sad every time I see her initials.

Sorry for this long post. Basically, I want to ask your opinion on the surname change for my children. Do you think it would be strange for them if we told them that we decided to all have the same surname from now on? I also worry about burdening them with a long, hyphenated surname. But I feel like I made so many concessions when it comes to my childrens’ names already (some of which I wasn’t even asked to make) and I really want this. My maiden name carries a lot of cultural and emotional history and it would make me really happy if they had it too. I’m not sure my husband will take me seriously, since I have been obsessing about our childrens’ names (first, middle and surname) for years now. But I feel like I have to at least try this.

Thank you for reading all of this! I am curious to read your replies.

5 Likes
2

First off don’t worry about it being a long post!! I am very much a people pleaser, constant overthinker and very detailed oriented person so I relate to you a lot in your post and you 100% have nothing to stress over writing more to explain your situation! (I also might end up writing a long reply so bare with me lol)

I also want to say I’m so sorry that his family is not supportive at all in this situation and that they have such a negative opinion on something that really should not be seen as a negative thing

I honestly think if you want your children to be hyphenated then you should go for it while they’re still young so they can better adjust to it (I mean it’s not like your kids are 15 and 17 and you’re trying to change their names). With how young they are, it might take a little bit of an adjustment but it’s not going to cause them absolute turmoil and they will grow with it

It might be worth talking to your daughters about it too. Asking them how they would feel about it and being honest with them by saying it’s important to you which is why you guys were looking at making this change. It also might ease a bit of the blow with anyone against the names being hyphenated as you can say it was their choice

And I also want to say that if you happen to ask them and they aren’t for it right now, don’t stress. I know that’s easier said and done, but as a little kid I have a vivid memory of my dad’s parents talking to me about how when I grow up I should keep my last name when I get married. I was about 6ish and I remember thinking “that’s so weird I would never do that” but once I hit my late teens my mindset really shifted and I’m at a point now that I not only want to hyphenate to keep my last name, but I also want to pass it down to my children. So your kids, even if it isn’t right now, may grow to have the same shift that I did and want both last names

As for the one with what would turn into unfortunate initials, how bad are we talking? Because unless it’s an overall negative term, a curse word or something that could lead to teasing (I think someone posted on here once asking how bad the initials PMS for their daughter really were as an example), I don’t think initials are the worst thing. Most of the time they aren’t written out or said out loud. No one ever gets called by their initials normally either unless it’s their nickname like an AJ. If it is that bad would switching your husband’s last name first then yours be weird to do or not sound good together? In the end I think initials are more of a minor thing to worrying about when it comes to naming. Unless it’s absolutely horrific I don’t think you should sacrifice what you love for it

If you have any other name regrets involving first and middle names I think this is also something that should be done with the last name change if that’s what you guys seriously want. I’m hoping if this is the case that you’re looking at changing the middle names rather than the first names because I don’t think changing first names at 5 and 7 is a great idea as they’re already in school and known to people by that name. Middle names however I think can still changed. I’ve heard of multiple stories where people change their kids middle names, all with different reasons about why they did so. [name_m]Honour[/name_m] names especially I feel need to have meaning to them more so than just keeping traditions or pleasing other people

I really do relate to you a lot in your post because these are all things I’ve thought of myself or that I worry for with my own future. I think the biggest take away from my message is 1) it’s not too late, they’re still young, they will be able to adjust and 2) talk to your daughters about it, ask how they feel, get their opinions and go from there. [name_m]Even[/name_m] with the middle names of you want to change them, sit down with your girls, maybe write out some names you’d want to switch it to and ask if they’d like that name. I heard of a story where a woman did this with her son since he only had 1 middle name while his younger siblings all had 2. He picked out a middle name and it was this very sweet bonding moment and memory for them because he was involved in that decision

Also as for any family who would be livid at you for wanting your last name in your children’s names. [name_f]Remember[/name_f] they aren’t important, their opinions don’t matter, and if this is something that they will look down on you for then it should only validate to your how little their opinions should matter. Anyone who actually cares for you guys won’t give a care, and would probably be super duper happy for you if you want to hyphenate, because these are your kids and they are half of you too, why not have your last name attached to theirs. It’s already apart of them

Sorry for my long ass message, I hope this really helps :heart: do what feels right for you guys, that’s all that matters!!

4 Likes
3

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] fellow people pleaser. :heart: Thank you for this thoughtful reply. It is so lovely that you took the time to write to me. I think it’s a great idea to talk to my girls and ask their opinion. I don’t want to pressure them of course, or make them feel they have to do it to make me happy. It’s their name after all.

I would not touch their first or middle names in the course of the name change, but I’d maybe think about adding a second middle (something that I always wanted for my second daughter to reflect my heritage), although that would make the whole name extremely long.

As for the initials, it is her current ones that bother me (with my husband’s surname). It’s a combination of letters that evokes a very unfavorable historic association. The potential new ones, with my name in front, would not be a problem.

And as for his family, I’m at a point now where I don’t care anymore. They never even commented positively on the honor names, that I partly also chose to make them happy. They just have negative things to say…

Thank you so, so much again!

1 Like
4

I’m so sorry you’ve felt conflicted over your children’s names for so long! That’s a really difficult situation to be in and I very much understand where you’re coming from.

Have you talked to your children about this? Your little one would likely adjust to the change without paying much attention to it, but since I assume your oldest has been in school for a while they must be at least somewhat used to their last name. I’d ask your oldest how they feel about the idea of the hyphenated surname! If they don’t mind it, then I honestly think you should go for it. It’s your best and maybe only chance to alleviate some of your name regret, and I don’t think it would have any negative consequences since the law allows for it!

1 Like
5

Thank you for your reply. Exactly, it feels like my only chance.

I think it’s a good idea to talk to my children. When my older daughter was younger and discovered that I had a different surname, she even said she wanted to have the same name. I just want to be mindful that children of course want to please their parents…

Maybe it’s also a decision my husband and I should make and just give the children a veto right. Because ultimately it’s something that only I really want and I’m aware of that. But I’m thinking that maybe it’s okay for me to want something just because I want it, after all the compromises I made.

1 Like
6

In my opinion, it’s absolutely okay for you to want more of yourself and your family represented in your children’s names! And since there’s no real downside (if anything, it’s also a positive thing for your daughter’s sake, since she can avoid the unfortunate initials) there’s no real reason why you shouldn’t want that or be allowed to have that, for your own happiness and peace of mind. Wishing you good luck!

1 Like
7

Thank you! I’m just beating myself up for not realising this in the first place. :frowning:

1 Like
8

Kids are very adaptable, I wouldn’t worry about from their perspective. I have a 5 year old and I think they’d barely notice if their last name was altered.

1 Like
9

Sorry you’re dealing with all of this :frowning: it sounds a lot.

For what it’s worth, I had my mum’s maiden name until I was 8, at which point, my parents married and my brother and I changed our surname too. We knew it was happening, and coped with it fine, and if anything, it was more exciting than difficult. So in that respect, if you talk your kids through the change, maybe explain a little why you’re doing it, let them get used to writing the new surname, maybe get them a little something with the new name on, etc. it should be fine!

I don’t think it’s strange - you could explain why your maiden name is important to them - but also that it just makes things easier, in terms of forms, documents, etc if you all have the same name - or even just so they have your name too.

I like that it solves the initials problem - and maybe that might help convinced your husband since she’s around school age?

3 Likes
10

Thank you! That’s very helpful to know that you were fine with your own surname change. I will find a good moment to talk about it with my husband, as I feel that this could finally give me a little closure. That’s also in his interest, after all.

And do you think that double-barrelled names are a burden on children? [name_m]Or[/name_m] is it just a matter of what they are used to?

1 Like
11

Double barrelled surnames are fairly common where I am - I’ve known people with them and lots of the students I work with have them - I don’t think it’s a burden

1 Like
12

I agree with the others that the surname change probably wouldn’t be a problem for your children. That this is important to you is a good reason to suggest doing it to your husband and children.

1 Like
13

Thank you so much, everybody! I have such a hard time prioritising what I want. I hope I can find a good moment and a good way to talk to my husband about this. I will let you know how it goes! Thank you for your kind replies!

14

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] everyone, just a little update on my dilemma. I have talked to my husband and he thinks it’s best if we ask the girls when they are older (when asked how old, he said maybe 13/14). Would you settle for this option in my position? I like that it gives the girls more of a choice in the matter, but then again they will of course be very used to their surnames by then. I should maybe add that my surname is quite nice, so maybe the will choose to hyphenate. And also my daughter with the unfortunate initials might also want to get rid of them when she is older. I don’t know… What would you do? Try to talk to him again, or let the matter rest for a while, knowing that I’ll always have to option to ask them later if they want to change?

15

Hiya! I understand where your husband is coming from with this one. That said, I think it may be more trouble hyphenating when they’re teenagers? I’m not sure how it works in your country, but in mine you’d already have your elementary school diploma under your full name, be signed up under a different name into middle school, etcetera. Since you acknowledge that hyphenating has all these benefits (representing you & your side of the family, avoiding the unfortunate initials, and your last name sounding nice and like your girls would like it) I don’t see a reason in postponing it and I think it’d only cause some annoying paperwork trouble later in life (or maybe your girls would even be too used to their name then to want to change it and you will have “lost your chance”)

2 Likes
16

I agree with @/tallemaja; it would definitely be more of a hassle to wait until they’re older than just going ahead and doing it now. [name_f]My[/name_f] parents did this with me for adding a second middle, and I wish they had just fixed it legally while I was young as it caused a lot of paperwork issues once I was a teenager, and that was just a middle name not a last one. If it’s what you want, it seems silly to wait. And, I mean this very gently, you technically already named them without their input, why would you wait to ask about a hyphenated surname of all things? Especially if you, who is their parent, desires it? It’s not like you’re taking anything out and all tye reasons you listed seem like enough to just do it now

1 Like
17

[name_m]Hi[/name_m]! I hope you are doing well!

Where I come from, people do not generally change their name upon marriage. Children can take either parent’s surname or hyphenate both names. Hyphenating has been very common since the 1970s. The only downsides to it is that it can make for long names, and that children have to choose which name to pass on when they have children themselves. With that being said, many people I know with hyphenated names have become parents recently, and I think the choice of surname was done with very little drama (in both cases, it ended with one surname of the mom + one surname of the dad). When I was born in the 1980s, my parents decided to alternate names instead of hyphenating, so I ended up with a different surname from my siblings. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I made the same choice, and our daughter only has my surname, but the next baby will have only his surname. All that to say, it is fine to give a surname that is different from just the dad’s name, and in nearly all cases children are fine with it. I know loads of adults who have hyphenated names and it is not a problem at all.

For your second question, about timing, I think there are plus and cons to waiting so long. They would be more mature to make the choice themselves, yes, but there are also advantages to an early change, such as living most of their childhood-teenage years under the same name. If I were in your shoes, I think I would prefer an earlier change. It would be less of a big deal for younger children I think. They would just take it in stride. Good luck with everything!

1 Like
18

[name_m]Even[/name_m] if you want to wait until your children are in their early teens or so it probably wouldn’t be a big deal when it comes to records that will be relevant to future employers, etc.

When I’ve given advice to parents of transgender children I usually recommend if the decision to transition and the name choice are all “final” not to make them wait until they’re adults (barring any legal obstacles), to minimize the instances that their deadname would pop up later in life. Of course, this case is different in that the former name would not “out” them in any way, but the premise of changing before they start getting “adult” records would apply here as well.

@tallemaja - If this is an American asking, you usually don’t get a “grade school” diploma (or if you do it’d typically be an “informal” document that you probably wouldn’t have to show to others later on).

1 Like
19

[name_f]My[/name_f] own children have a hyphenated surname, which is my surname and my husband’s. It was not an issue in the state of [name_m]New[/name_m] [name_m]York[/name_m], where my daughter was born, so it wasn’t a big deal. Later, we were in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] when my son was born, and [name_f]British[/name_f] [name_f]Canada[/name_f] has a tradition of hyphenated surnames so again, it wasn’t a big deal.

It was however, difficult when we moved to [name_f]Florida[/name_f]. The school district here didn’t have a space for the hyphen, sometimes their names got smooshed together, but that was in 2000 and things are more modernized now.

After my divorce, my son stopped using my ex-husband’s name, for reasons I won’t go into here. [name_m]Even[/name_m] in the [name_m]Army[/name_m], which kept his legal name, they referred to him by my name. [name_f]My[/name_f] daughter has kept her hyphenated name.

Personally, I agree that you should talk to your kids and then do what you feel comfortable doing as a family. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] everything works out.

1 Like
20

Thank you so much for your replies and advice. :heart: Everyone made some great points. I also think that an early change world be preferable, for all the reasons you mentioned (being used to the name, paperwork under their old name, etc.). I just feel it’s a lot to be the only one in the family with this wish and sort of everyone else has to comply and change their names. It seems selfish in a way. I wish my husband (and I, for that matter), could see it as just a minor thing, it feels like such a huge deal. He also said that if this really is the thing that will put all my name ruminations at rest, we will do it, but that he’s not sure it will. I think I will have to have more conversations, and more soul-searching.