Team Green - How to Survive the Wait

Hey, momberries,

DH and I are firmly team green (we will not be learning the sex of our child before birth). I’m about 15 and a half weeks along with our first child. Due date buddies here and elsewhere are beginning to find out the sex of their babies, and the stream of exciting news is sure to flow more heavily in the coming weeks as buddies have their anatomy scans.

My husband and I really believe we’ve made the right choice for US as a couple and that it will be worth the wait in the end, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard. At this point, with about 6 months left, the wait seems daunting.

If you were (or are) team green yourself, how did you handle (or are you handling) the wait? Any advice for ways to get through the giddy anticipation or to get past the tantalizing idea that you could have known (or could know now) the sex of your baby (or babies)? If you chose not to find out circa 20 weeks, did it ever get easier not knowing?

I have no advice to give but I just wanted to say I really respect your choice. I wanted to wait myself but once we found out we were having twins (major shock since we have NO twins in our family) I decided I’d had enough surprises with that pregnancy. We found out we were having two boys. Once I convinced my husband to have a third child I debated with going team green but I did a lot of soul searching and decided I was really hoping for a girl and I didn’t want the first feeling I had upon meeting my child to be disappointment. Maybe it wouldn’t have been but it was a big enough deal for me that I wanted to work through my feelings before the birth so I could have no regret or sadness upon meeting my son. (I know in the long run what you want is a happy healthy child, but there was a lot of boy going on in my life, despite my sons’ penchant for wearing pink and gold.)
I hope you and your husband find the resolve to make the decisions that are best for your personal situation despite what is happening around you. Good luck!

I never was team green. However, I think it’s really cool that you are choosing to wait and be surprised.

My cousin-in-law did team green for her third, but she was so busy chasing her other two it made it easier that she didn’t know.

I’d say maybe having discussions about what to name little one, you get to take boy and girl options with you to the hospital, looking for cool neutral themes for a nursery and other things along those lines would help.

Good luck and congrats on your soon-to-be here little one.

I’ve always preferred not finding out, I wanted the excitement of someone shouting “it’s a ___!” in the delivery room, but my husband really really wanted to find out ahead of time. We decided we would find out but not tell anyone else (still doing neutral nursery as we don’t like strong boyish or girl themes anyway). A couple days ago we had a 12 week scan and the tech made a guess (deeming herself 75% confident) of a boy. I’ve been feeling all along that it’s a girl, and I want a girl, so I was a little disappointed, but now even hubby feels like it’s a tease to be told a guess that they’re not sure about and wishes we hadn’t said yes when she offered to guess. In the end I will be happy with either, but where this is likely our only child I’m having a hard time reconciling right now, I would have much rather had zero information since I know whichever it is I will be jubilant on the day it’s born. [name_f]Do[/name_f] I reconcile myself and start to get excited now about a boy, only to later find out it’s a girl and have to reverse that, again? I’m trying to do neither but I had a frustrating dream last night about naughty little boys (and men) playing in the street, literally dozens of them, as I tried to drive through a neighborhood, getting yelled at by mothers who weren’t bothering to get their toddlers out of the street…anyway, that was mostly venting. Now of course I can’t wait till our 18 week appointment where they can hopefully tell us for sure, though part of me thinks it would be hilarious if they couldn’t get a good look at that point and we’ll have to settle for not really knowing ourselves (only 75%) until the birthday.

So, having been torn between both sides, I still wish I could have convinced my husband to wait until the birthday, and I hope you are happy with your choice, I’m a bit jealous. I think maybe less information on that front makes the daydreaming more fun? My friend waited and were glad they did, though for some reason I was like 150% sure she was having a girl, and they did. Their little girl was born very premature and finding out the gender on her birthday made an extremely stressful few days a bit more exciting.

Here’s some more reasons to wait, at least I still get to irritate people by saying we don’t know :slight_smile:

My husband and I chose not to find out beforehand if we were having a boy or a girl. Well, really, I chose not to find out…He would have been fine either way.

It was fun to choose two names, and w both enjoyed imagining who this little person would be beyond male or female.

I admit, it WAS hard sometimes though. The two or three weeks after my 20 week ultrasound were the most difficult, probably because then, the doctor knew, and we didn’t. That drove me a little crazy.

In the end, it was completely worth it. When baby came, my husband was the one who announced that she was a girl. I was shocked, because I had thought baby was going to be a boy, and so excited and overwhelmed to be able to honour my grandma and mum with her name. It was such an amazing moment, and I think the suspense of not knowing added to it.

There are so few true surprises in life. Enjoy this one!

I’ve been team green for both kids and I think it’s worked out really well for us. I’ve always leaned that way but going to a baby shower for a friend who knew she was having a girl clinched it for me. So much pink… So much leopard print… Shudder
As it stands, my older kiddo (a girl, as it turned out) has a nursery full of cute gender-neutral stuff for her impending little sibling to inherit. Very practical. :slight_smile:

This is a really interesting read… my hubby is firmly a team green person - I am less convinced, and my organizational self would rather know ahead, so I can plan things… It’s really interesting to read others experiences. Thanks for sharing!

@zaelia, thanks. I respect your decision, too. I’m glad you were able to accept and perceive your own feelings to come to that decision to find out about your daughter. I tend to think the opposite about disappointment for myself actually. I put a lot of value into how I perceive my own emotions and hormones, and how they can affect my baby. I don’t want my negative emotions or stress to reach my unborn baby now, whereas I know that after the trials of labor I will be overjoyed to finally meet this babe regardless of sex, so any disappointment would be tempered by the joy of the experience. I understand that it is much different thinking about your third (especially if that’s your final pregnancy) than your first since you already had a household of boys, though. I’m not sure how I would feel in your shoes. I have always wanted 3 of one sex, even though that’s only about a 25% likelihood.

@jtucker, I totally agree with your pieces of advice. Only problem practically-speaking is that we’ve already done it all. We have picked our name options and designed our nursery. There are still a couple things to do on that front but mostly it’s all over so the distraction is gone.

@sillypumpkin, I would definitely be annoyed by that technician in hindsight. I hope you can find out at your anatomy scan. Also, what a wild dream. I’ve definitely been having some crazy ones myself what with these hormones, but nothing so clearly tied to baby’s sex.

@claireelisewren, thanks for the encouragement from a fellow team green perspective! I’m glad to hear that it didn’t stay so hard forever as it is during the middle of the pregnancy. I just keep telling myself I’ve gotta get over this hump to week 25 or so and it’ll hopefully feel easier again.

@amberw, yes, I find gender-neutral everything to just be so much more practical longterm. We plan on 3 kids who will share a room while they’re young regardless of sex, so a gender-neutral kids room was really important to us regardless of our team green decision. I was a nanny and babysitter to work my way through college and I’ve actually been lucky to curate an entire gender-neutral wardrobe over the years in hand-me-downs. I have enough clothing to last for the first 2 years of life regardless of sex without having to buy a thing except bathing suits and snowsuits. I know no matter what we get, we are over-prepared in that department.

@mummacat92, see above for preparedness level. I feel I’m actually more prepared for parenting by keeping it a surprise, as I’m prepared either way and prepped for a mixed-gender household later as we expand further.
I hear that a lot about the need to prepare if you’re a planning type person, but I am such an overplanner, and I feel like finding out the sex now would actually inhibit my ability to see the forest through the trees already knowing we want 3 kids, not just 1. It keeps me from going crazy buying things we won’t need or use for more than one child if we wind up with 2 of one, 1 of the other. It keeps everything functional irrespective of sex, and keeps our budget minimal over time. As much as I love little dresses, I can buy plenty of those for my 2 year-old if it’s important to me and her then. I can’t think of anything else there is to logistically plan that can’t be planned regardless.

@medfordkung
That’s actually a really good point! Acquiring gender neutral items makes them much more functional in the future.
I am an overplanner too (e.g. I picked my engagement ring and knew the date he would propose… I don’t like surprises) Knowing helps me feel calm and secure. But perhaps it will be different with a baby, because knowing the sex won’t do much to prepare me for the really complicated things… Perhaps, keeping it a surprise would actually help me focus on taking things one step at a time, and not needing everything to be perfect…
Something to think about…

Oh, congrats! We were team green with our first and it was the perfect decision for us! I know what you mean though, around the time that we could have found out was when I had my first thoughts of kind of wanting to know :slight_smile:

I will say I was surprised at the number of people who were almost upset with us for not finding out! I heard many times, “But how do I know what to get you!?”

Actually, a huge benefit for us was that because people didn’t know the sex we got practical and needed gifts at showers. Most people stuck to the registry or we got bath stuff or books. I didn’t get a million frilly pink outfits or sports themed pajamas.

Also, I told everyone in the delivery room that I wanted my husband to be the one to announce what the sex was. It was a fun thing to look forward to! I’ll never forget how he was so overwhelmed with emotion that he was was crying and I was anxiously asking, “what is it!!??” A nurse had to nudge him and say, “tell her what it is!” :slight_smile:

I’m now expecting my second one and we did find out the sex this time around. It was the right decision for us this time too. I mainly did it for practical reasons because the seasons line up the same way so if baby #2 was the same sex and baby #1 I don’t need any more clothes. (which is how it worked out!)

Good luck to you! It is a wonderful surprise either way!

@flowermae, congrats on baby number 2!!

I wanted to come back to this post today as just a place to vent for a second. I’m 20 weeks today and my various pregnancy apps have essentially nothing new to say to me except “baby gender,” repeatedly… this is just a really frustrating moment. I look forward to learning about baby each week as I reach a new week and this morning was a major letdown. It feels like it has been weeks of hearing more of the same, but this week it was just all there was. It’s also so annoying that none of the apps say “baby’s sex” to distinguish between the concepts of “gender” and “sex” since nobody can definitively know their child’s “gender” at this point, but I digress. In the span of the last couple weeks, my duedate buddies have all found out, and nobody that I’m close to is team green, so I’m all alone in that regard. At least on Nameberry in my duedate thread there are a couple people not finding out. I will take the solidarity where I can.

I still think it will be easier once I get past this frenzy, but in this moment, I’m just wishing team green were a more mainstream choice.

Aww. Hang in there, @medfordkung. You can do it!!!

From what I hear, it’s an amazing rush when he or she arrives (even more so than when the baby’s sex is known).

I too found the terms “sex” and “gender” being used interchangeably to be frustrating and troubling.

Before my little one was born, I was so excited for the big reveal. When she was finally born, I was just so thrilled, and in such surreal disbelief over being handed a baby that I didn’t even think to ask about her sex. In fact, several minutes passed before it occured to me to find out!

Stay strong…It’ll be so worth the wait!

Thanks everybody for the encouraging words. They helped get me through that rough patch. I’m now approaching 28 weeks and I realized this morning that thinking about the sex has barely phased me at all in at least the last month. It really doesn’t feel like a big deal anymore, and it’s no longer THE thing people are excited about.

I’m much more settled in not knowing, and everyone else seems to be as well. Before the halfway point, so many people told me that I would “change [my] mind” about team green (not realizing or respecting that we opted out of ultrasound and didn’t get any other kind of testing that would determine sex, either) and would cave and find out. Now when I tell people it’s a surprise they seem to believe me right away.

It is a little weird thinking through all the future possibilities with more than one sex in mind when I think of my little bundle, but it doesn’t disrupt our lives or our prep work getting ready for babe. We are so excited to find out, but we are most excited for baby to emerge into the world (hopefully not for another 10-14 weeks, though).

[name_m]Hi[/name_m], I know I’m super late to the party but I found this thread at the perfect time for me. Currently 21 weeks with number two, my second time round playing for team green. I’m totally feeling that discouragement, this time in your pregnancy is tough.

Why is it that people first and foremost want to know if my baby is a boy or a girl? What does that matter? When I tell people we won’t be finding out the sex they always talk about it being exciting or a surprise, but that isn’t really why we waited. Holding your child for the first time is the best feeling in the world, nothing is more exciting than that, like PP said what’s between their legs was not my first thought, or my tenth. For me it just feels more natural to find out the sex when we meet and have that be a private moment for our little family.

Also I entirely hate that if I found out people would decide my newborn child had a favorite colour, or should always wear hair bows so ‘people know she’s a girl.’

Sorry for the rant, I know these feelings will (for the most part) pass fairly shortly but in the meantime I am one frustrated mama.

We are in the home stretch with this pregnancy and like all of our other pregnancies we are waiting for the arrival. Unlike with our previous children we have had more ultrasounds in the final half so we have really been reminding the doctors and nurses we don’t want to know. At this point I would be devastated! We have had a lot of comments from various people, that they think we do know and just aren’t sharing. I thought they were joking at first, but now not so much!