The fog has lifted and I'm giddy for the first time in my (first) pregnancy

Parentberries
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22+5 weeks, and it hasn’t been easy getting here. [name_f]May[/name_f] as well get it all out.

I’m trying to manage my bipolar mood problems, which are mostly waves of heavy depression peppered with bouts of hysterical misery, without medication. I’m an established risk for manic psychosis if I take antidepressants without a mood stabiliser, and the only one that works for me is lithium, which is not a great thing to put in your system, so with psychiatrist’s blessing I gradually stopped taking everything last year in order to make pregnancy and breastfeeding safe.

The pregnancy hormones have been extremely rough, and I’m at a time in my life when most old friends have moved away or grown apart, and finding new circles has been tough. I haven’t made friends at work like I was hoping to, and spending odd nights at home while my husband goes out drinking with workmates has made me feel really alone, even though I do not want him to be isolated just because I am. It’s very stupid, but I miss being able to have a drink just to make it easier to relax and bond when feeling awkward around new people. I’ve been so emotional that I feel like a fake weirdo when I try to force myself to just have a good time at get-togethers. I want to reach out more socially, try pregnancy groups etc., but I feel awkward and off-putting while my moods are so bad. You know when loneliness makes you feel awful, but feeling awful makes you feel unfit for company.

The last few weeks I’ve also been very preoccupied with seeing my brother, also bipolar, go way off the deep end. He has the same sensitivities as me to SSRI drugs, so it’s been a scary reminder of what can happen if I try to use antidepressants to kickstart better emotional health. [name_m]Even[/name_m] moreso, it’s been very painful to see my closest sibling go through this (a second time), with no end in sight, and realise that it’s just the tip of the iceberg of years of hidden emotional suffering. The psychosis seems to have warped his personality, but he’s been so heavily depressed for so long that I no longer feel sure what his core personality really is. Now he’s distanced himself from the family while he’s going through a rehabilitative mental care program, and I can only hope for the best.

For the first stage of my pregnancy, I was in a weird state of denial. This is something I’ve wanted badly for a few years, and meeting my husband felt like it came too easily… we’re such a good fit and there are things we hold in common that are very important to me and very rare. Getting married has been too easy. Getting a good job, a car (I didn’t even know how to drive two years ago), a nice home together, all in such a short timespan (the last year and a half) when my life was such a mess just a little while ago that I had reason to worry I couldn’t ever have all these things. So I feel like I’ve cheated something, or that if I get too attached, I’ll get hit with the rule of easy-come-easy-go. I still have awful self-doubt no matter how much people tell me that I’ve earned the things I’ve been able to fill my life with.

Now I can’t deny what’s visually obvious to everyone around me, and what I can feel moving around every time I sit or lie down. I’m really thrilled to be able to have a part in creating and raising the next generation, to care for someone (hopefully a few people!), to try to pass on my values and what I’ve learned, and to build things in my life that aren’t just for me. (Also, if I’m able to finally validate my many opinions on other people’s parenting, that will be fun!)

I can’t quite bring myself to say out loud that I’m going to be a mum, or I’m going to have a daughter. I know that’s very likely to happen now, but I still feel like that’s asking too much. Like I’m pushing my luck. So it might take just a little while longer.

Still, this week there’s been a major boost. Last week my husband burned his fingertips off on a superheated laptop, so badly that we were terrified he could lose his livelihood as a skilled labourer. That had me pretty wrecked for a few days. But we’ve been assured at follow-up that all signs for healing are promising, and yesterday he said they were starting to itch… which means some of the feeling is coming back already!

I’ve known for a long time that deep-rooted optimism has a way of bringing about good things, but it’s been hard to shift my mood states to match what I want to feel or what I think I should feel.

But today is different. Today I’m going to trust feeling good. I’m going to seize this opportunity to feel gratitude for everything I’ve got, and full of that positive feeling, I’m going to let myself anticipate the good that’s to come.

I feel good today. Let this be a turning point.

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I can relate to so much of what you wrote. There have been many big changes in my life also and I’m still coming to terms with everything as well and feeling like I cheated in some way and it was too “easy” (ignoring all of the difficult things in the near past, of course). I think it just takes time and as you see that it hasn’t been taken away hopefully you’ll become more comfortable. Also, you are allowed to be happy and balanced. There have been many dark times for you, and mental illness is forever so there always will be that possibility, so always try and enjoy the good while you can. It helps make the bad a little more tolerable.

I am also bipolar. I was on Lithium and Lamotrigine when I decided to have my first baby and went off both because of birth defect possibilities. I suffered greatly that pregnancy. Post-partum was a hormonal disaster. I was on an emotional roller coaster and trying to breast feed (so I stayed off the medication). Then within a year I conceived again and made it halfway through my pregnancy when my OB actually suggested medication that was safe in pregnancy. I still take it and I’m pregnant again and plan to stay on it for as long as I can. I take Abilify (an anti psychotic) and Wellbutrin (an antidepressant/stimulant) and there were other options as well. I can’t take antidepressants without a stabilizer either or I’m hypomanic and I actually feel a lot better on Abilify than Lithium (I was a lot more flat before and I hated it). Plus I tolerate this combination better, no side effects. So just something to think about. There are other options beyond Lithium for stabilizers and anti psychotics that can be used together with an antidepressant safely and my OBs for both pregnancies (I had two different doctors) were surprised I had stopped medication and greatly advocated for it. So maybe it’s worth a conversation with your doctor(s) about what to expect for the duration of the pregnancy and after. Sleep deprivation is a big trigger for me and there is so much of that for the first two months or so after. Not to mention that the end of pregnancy isn’t great either. Less sleep.

I just wanted to share my experience and solution. Hopefully you find something that works for you, medication or otherwise, and can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Bipolar ruins so many days. Try not to talk yourself out of the good ones you do have. You have a lot to be happy about, right? So celebrate! I wish you all the best. You deserve it.

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I’ve talked this through with my psychiatrist quite a lot. There are some options I haven’t tried for mood stabilisers, but I don’t think now is the right time to try experimenting. What’s helped me more than anything in my mental health has been regular exercise with a personal trainer and keeping healthier lifestyle habits, so I want to focus more concertedly on doing more of that before I try any more medication solutions.

I’m actually really lucky in that the public hospital I was assigned happens to have my longterm psychiatrist on the perinatal mental health team, so my support throughout the pregnancy is all linked up. It’s a small city! She’s quite encouraging of me giving medication another go, but as long as she’s comfortable with my decision not to, I feel all right about it for now. (I’ve seen too many family members suffer by their denial that they needed treatment or medical intervention to take this lightly… happens so much with bipolar in particular that I’m really wary of falling into that trap myself.)

Thank you so much for the suggestions though. I happened to hear an expert today say that bipolar depression is one of the most extreme kinds… I wonder how much that tends to be true? I’ve never had the impulse to harm myself in any way, but failing that, I get pretty despondent.

Funny thing about bipolar is that, as scary as mania is, I do miss that rush of energy, the creative spontaneity and euphoric feeling of invincibility it comes with. I haven’t felt it in ten years now but I can still remember it so vividly, up to the point I was so far gone that my memory blanked out. Wish there was a safe way to tap into that sometimes, that’s for sure.

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I can relate to almost anything you’ve written. I’m not sure what to say, except that I wish you all the best and I’m glad you’re feeling good.

I’m not bipolar myself, but I have been struggling with depression almost all of my life. I’m currently going through a divorce, which isn’t unexpected, and I’ve found someone else I love, but it’s been incredibly hard. I’ve been having a lot of very dark thoughts, especially when my son’s with his dad. Not that I worry about that, I know he’s a great father. It’s just that I’ve got more time to think when my son’s away. Like you, I’ve got almost no friends left. I’ve made a few friends at work, I think, but nobody I can call to just have a drink. They all have busy lives and families. I feel completely alone sometimes, though my new partner really cares for me. All I can think of is he’s going to run away in the end. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts, but I’d never act on it. I suppose.
Like you, I have a brother with severe bipolar disorder who’s also suffered brain damage. My other brother is a recovering alcoholic. I worry a lot about both of them.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to hijack your thread. Here’s a virtual hug in case you need one.