Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but I’m feeling overwhelmed and emotional at picking a name for my son.
My husband and I had a hard time three years ago picking a name for our daughter. There was only one name he liked and wanted, a family name. I wasn’t in love with it, but I let him have it because it did fit my criteria (classic, easy to spell, unique but not unknown). I agreed to it with the understanding that I could pick our next child’s name.
So now here we are. I’m having a boy, I searched high and low and have an excellent name picked out. I’ve really done my research and I’m in love with my choice.
Husband doesn’t like it. I hear his reasons for not liking it, but they’re not things that bother me. (I’m all about a name being communication. Must be recognizable, easy to spell, be pleasant phonetically. Etymology and origin are less important to me.)
I’m trying to find a name we both agree on, but I’m heartbroken at giving up my perfect boy name. And there seems to be nothing out there that we both love. We find names we both like, but nothing jumps out as “that’s it!”
So I’m struggling with this decision. [name_f]Do[/name_f] I settle on a good but not great name to make him happy (again!) or just go for it and name my baby what I want? I hate that he doesn’t like the name. It makes me feel weird about using it. But I also hate the thought of not loving my kids names.
We pick names we both love, which is hard, but we have similar tastes fortunately. I wouldn’t want to name a child by myself nor would I go for something to make my husband happy. I just love names too much!
Oh and yes that does still mean that I’ve had to let go of certain names I loved a lot, same for husband.
But a lot of people I know do compromises and seem happy with it.
Its hard to understand your husbands side, especially when we don’t know what the name is. What are his specific reservations about it? Are they valid issues or are they just an excuse because he plain doesn’t like the name?
It’s hard choosing a name you both love and, sometimes, even harder to compromise when you feel so right about the name you love.
If you feel strongly about this name, I say you should stand your ground and ask him to at least consider it. If the name of your daughter grew on you, can’t your perfect name grow on him? You don’t deserve to feel shafted on both names.
If that doesn’t work out and he still absolutely detests it, then are there any variations of your perfect boy name that you would be willing to consider? Best of luck in this unfortunate situation.
He has two objections–one valid and one just his opinion. He is really big on the meaning of names, and their origin. He wants a name that historically has a positive, noble, meaningful definition at its root. The name I chose really doesn’t have that. It doesn’t really “stand for” anything. It’s just a name.
His second objection is something that I do disagree with. He wants the name to match our last name culturally. I don’t agree! It’s too restrictive to have to stick to one culture’s names, and I think that’s one of the cool marks of living in a multi-cultural society like in the US/[name_f]Canada[/name_f]. You can have an Irish first name and an a Italian last name. It’s not unusual here.
Right now, I am REALLY into name meanings so I kind of understand your husband, but maybe you can solve this problem the same way as I. I have 3 names with such problem: [name_f]Lenora[/name_f], [name_m]Cassian[/name_m] and Maiara.
[name_f]Lenora[/name_f] does NOT have a meaning. So I splitted [name_f]Lenora[/name_f] into various parts and then I discovered that [name_m]Lenny[/name_m]/ [name_f]Leni[/name_f], my favorite nickname for it, means “lion”. SO now, every time I look at [name_f]Lenora[/name_f] I think about lionesses and their symbolism.
[name_m]Cassian[/name_m] means “hollow”. Instead of thinking of negative things as “superficial person” or “stupid boy”, I think about how you must have space in your mind to gather knowledge and how you must be free of prejudice to learn new things. Besides [name_m]Cas[/name_m] makes me think of [name_m]Castiel[/name_m] of Supernatural, [name_u]Misha[/name_u] [name_u]Collins[/name_u] (actor who plays [name_m]Castiel[/name_m]), [name_m]Johnny[/name_m] [name_m]Cash[/name_m], the prophetess [name_f]Cassandra[/name_f] (I’m into premonition stuff), [name_m]Prince[/name_m] [name_m]Caspian[/name_m] of [name_f]Narnia[/name_f] and, of course, the worderful [name_m]Captain[/name_m] [name_m]Cassian[/name_m] [name_m]Andor[/name_m] of [name_m]Rogue[/name_m] One. All positive stuff for me.
Maiara means “great-grandmother” or “Mrs. (but in a old way)”. However I have [name_f]Maia[/name_f] as a honor name for [name_f]Maria[/name_f] and Iaras are mythological beings from my culture who I think are very cool (they look like mermaids). And then, I think about one of the possible meanings for [name_f]Maria[/name_f] that is “star of the sea” and Iaras are mermaid-like beings and water related stuff is such an important symbolism for me and my family. And more I think about it, more reasons I find for love it.
MY ADVICE:
Look at the meaning from another perspective. E.g. [name_m]Cassian[/name_m]
Split the names in various parts —> LOOK for their meaning. E.g. [name_f]Lenora[/name_f] and Maiara
Look for role models with this name or similar. E.g. [name_m]Cassian[/name_m]
One word: globalization. The world is getting smaller. One of my friends is [name_m]Marcelo[/name_m] and has a Polish surname: it’s not weird, it’s him. If you have ancestors from this culture (Irish?), you have a pretty valid reason to use this “ethnic” name.
Honestly, just talk to him. Yes, I know you’ve heard it a billion times but communication /is/ important. Tell him how you feel, just like you told us
If you want /my/ opinion, well, I’m kind of obsessive when it comes to things being “fair” so I’d have to say that, if he can choose a name he likes and you dont then why cant you?
I think you need to use a name you love, don’t settle for a name you kinda like just to make your hubby happy. I would first maybe try to find another name you love just as much and if you can’t or if you just keep coming back to the original name and if it feels like The Name then use it. Maybe there is a nickname that your husband likes or maybe he could pick his middle name.
[name_m]How[/name_m] did you feel about your daughter’s name when he chose it? Did you like it but just not love it, or was it something you’d never have wanted but conceded because it meant so much to him?
I think it’s important that the decision is fair, otherwise you risk sowing resentment over the issue. If he picked DD’s name with no input from you, then it’s only fair that you do the same this time round. If it was more of a joint decision-making process but he got his way in the end because you couldn’t settle on anything better, then it should work more like that again but you get final say.
To me, it sounds like his objections are fairly academic. I know that name meaning is important to lots of people, but it doesn’t sound like he has a visceral dislike of the actual sound of the name itself, more that it’s not as symbolic as he’d like. I’d argue that, though a nice meaning is a great bonus, that sort of thing doesn’t matter nearly so much when the name is actually a person rather than just a name, if that makes sense? Name meanings give all sorts of wonderful imagery and significance to names in the abstract, on name lists, etc. but as soon as you give the name to a person, that person will become its new and overriding meaning to you.
And in terms of how much the meaning of their name actually impacts on or bothers the average person - well, it doesn’t in the vast majority of cases. Very few people think as much about names as members on here, so your son probably won’t mind what his name means in reality. He might wish it had a cooler meaning if the discussion ever came up, but I doubt he’s going to lose sleep over it.
The latter. I never would have considered it on my own. (If you had asked me to list my favorite girl names, it miiiiight have come in at, like, #300 or so?) Although I do appreciate it more now. Not just because my daughter is awesome, but it is a nice, underused, classic name. But I am mourning all the wonderful girl names I’ll never get to use (on a human.) This is our last baby.
In that case, I think it’s only fair that he’s willing to concede the same amount of control to you as you did to him. I suspect the name you love will grow on him as your daughter’s did on you.
This is a good example of why I don’t think the “I’ll choose this time, you choose next time” approach to naming children works very well - it’s hard to quantify how much each parent likes each name choice and therefore how “fair” it is. I understand that you’ve chosen to do it this way for good and valid reasons, but I think it’s always better to try and compromise on something that both parents are happy with each time if at all possible.
Well I can understand his first reason but don’t agree with the second, if he chose the first name you should be able to name your second born. But there is a easy solution to choosing both names you love, a middle name. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you want a middle name?
I was in a similar situation with my second daughter–I promised my husband that he could name a second daughter after his deceased mother if I could use my favorite name on a first daughter. His mother’s name is pretty, I liked it, but it is not at all unusual and I would have definitely chosen another name but for my agreement. So, I think it’s your husband’s turn to keep his end of the bargain. Unless it’s a name he absolutely detests (which doesn’t sound like the case), I think you shouldn’t give in. [name_m]Just[/name_m] because one partner loves a name and the other is more lukewarm about it, shouldn’t be a deal breaker. p.s. I’m not into the meaning of names that much either. I wouldn’t use a name with a negative meaning, but I wouldn’t pick a name because of its meaning.
Thank you each and all for your help. I really appreciate it.
I’m realizing that a lot of my discomfort about naming a child in general is that I have to make a lot of assumptions. In the end, the one person whose opinion REALLY matters can’t tell us what he thinks. That person is the size of a coconut and he’s busy growing fingernails and kicking my ribs right now. So I can only assume what he wants to be called.
He might not like the name I chose. Or he might not like whatever compromise H and I come up with, then we’d have a name that all three of us are Meh on. But if he hates my top pick, he has only me to blame. I don’t know whether I want that sort of pressure.
But then again, I just want a name that I’m going to love calling out on the playground. None of the compromises we’ve found are quite there. [name_m]Will[/name_m] keep looking though.