The Less Emotional Mom?

Parentberries
1

One of the reasons I’ve had a different road toward TTC than others might is that I’ve never really been a super emotional person so the longing to love a child hasn’t been a huge part of my life plan. I never thought I’d even get married before I met my husband! And I never thought I wanted kids.

Now I’m not saying I’m a psychopath or something. I love kids, love my nieces/nephews, love my family/friends. I cry at sappy movies and books, and have been known to get road rage, or get so frustrated I start to cry.

But the overwhelming surges of loving emotions, of joy, or of sorrow that I hear close friends talk about…I’m not saying I don’t have them. It just seems like it’s more rare than for some people and maybe less overwhelmingly strong.

Can any of you momberries sympathize?
Are you less likely than the average person to be overwhelmed by emotion? [name_m]How[/name_m] did that affect your desire to have kids?
Were your own parents like this? [name_m]How[/name_m] did they handle it?
If you do have kids, did it/does it affect the way you respond or interact with them?
Did you have that crazy surge of love when you first saw your baby? If not, did that make things harder?

2

I’m not sure i fit this description or not. I’m bipolar, so I have difficulty regulation emotion without therapy and techniques. I feel emotions in a much stronger range than someone normally, and when untreated, can have a tendency to “overreact” in a major way.

All that aside…I don’t think of myself as sappy or sentimental. Like you, I never cared to get married or even have a romantic relationship, yet I consider myself incredibly loving and dedicated towards friends. I wanted children because I enjoy being around them and am good at interacting with them, not for any deep emotional reasons. I roll my eyes when ny mom friends post continually sappy statuses about how much they love their kids.

I guess I don’t consider myself unemotional, just not sentimental.

This probably comes from my parents, who are even worse than me. Last time my mom told me she loved me or hugged me was when I was in the hospital giving birth to my two year old. I know she does, she’s just not affectionate. As a child, I really thought my mom hasn’t wanted children and I was a burden, although that wasn’t entirely for the reasons above.

I don’t think that it needs to affect your ability to be a parent if you do two things: 1. Understand your child may be more emotional than you and be empathetic to that. Telling your kid to “get over it” or something isn’t a big deal or that they shouldn’t be so sad over something is REALLY harmful. As long as you can assure your child their emotions are valid and help them learn what to do with them, it doesn’t matter how emotional you are.
2. Make sure your child knows that they are loved and appreciated and wanted. If you’re not used to doing this with others/adults in your life, it say not come naturally. You don’t have to force sentimentality, but you need to find a way to show them how you feel.

I have never cried during a single movie, and only ever cried during one book. I don’t cry endlessly when people I care about die, even if I’m devastated. I have never gotten choked up at a wedding, and I didn’t expect to cry giving birth. I did. And I felt incredibly emotional and beyond happy when my daughter was born.

But I also know some emotionally normal people who didn’t. Which is fine and won’t affect your ability to bond or your baby’s well being, but lots of women feel guilty and disappointed when it happens and that can be bad. If you don’t feel emotional at your baby’s birth or bond at first, you should take steps to ensure it doesn’t turn bad, like attending a support group for new moms or talking to supportive friends about it.

Not everybody feels stuff or reacts to it the same, and that doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mom if you don’t feel like a johnsons commercial when you think about giving birth. You just have to know yourself and what to expect and how to best raise a kid with your personality, just like anyone who is super emotional needs to do the same.

3

This is definitely something I can speak on. Hopefully, I can explain it well enough.

I would say I am very unemotional, and I’ve even wondered if I may be sociopathic at times. When I’m happy or loving or mad, it doesn’t seem to be as “strongly” as others; the feelings are very “dull.” Because this is an unplanned pregnancy and because of the fact that I never wanted children to begin with, I’m somewhat worried that I won’t have those same maternal feelings towards my son that mothers just seem to have. I’ve most certainly been unattached to the pregnancy, anyway. It just seems like something that’s happening to someone else. Maybe things will be different when he gets here, but right now, I am completely unenthused and numb.

My dad is quiet and, if he is super emotional, no one would ever know it. My mom can cry or be angry at the drop of a hat.

4

Thank you for your post leadmythoughts!

I agree with what you said about validating your kids emotions. My father (who I’m probably more like than I care to admit) would regularly tell me to “get over it” or “suck it up” and would assume that I used my emotions to manipulate him. That’s been a huge learning/growing process for me to realize that emotions shouldn’t be handled that way.

I guess since it doesn’t come naturally to me, just being aware of it so I can act the way I should. Actively choosing to respond with validation and approval, rather than just going by instinct.

I definitely have a tendency to scoff at parents who take this to the extreme. As they say to their 2 year old, “I sense you’re feeling angry now [name_f]Sophie[/name_f]. I know that when you’re angry you want to hit, but rather than hitting your brother let’s hit this pillow and talk about why we’re angry”.

But realizing that there’s a middle way is half the battle maybe.

It’s good to hear that not everyone gets that feeling, though I’d love to have it! I’m kinda jealous of people who have that strength of emotion.

5

I understand what you’re saying about feeling like it’s something that’s happening to someone else. I get that feeling occasionally with things–like I’m watching a movie and I forget to play my part.

I hope it does feel real for you once he’s here. Maybe you can seek some help through the same resources that are available for women with PPD. I’m not expecting yet, but I hope I can be in the moment, at least some of the time. It’s not an experience I want to feel checked out for (except maybe the labor, lol)

6

My parents are both this way. They almost never told us they loved us and never hugged or kissed us. I remember my brother leaving for Iraq and my mom didn’t even hug him.

I know that my mom actually does regret having kids. She has told me this more than once, she seemed surprised that I found that upsetting. It’s really not that she is being mean, she really just doesn’t experience emotions in the same way that I do.

Growing up, I thought I was the same way. But as an adult, after I moved out, I realized that it was just that the environment in my parents house was pretty emotionally repressive. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t get me wrong, they are great parents in many ways. But expressing emotions was always shut down quickly in their house, so I had learned not to.

Anyhow, I realized that I was actually a very emotional person after I moved out. I do cry at sad movies, sad books, those cotton commercials… Basically at the drop of a hat. I am super gooey about my son and I fell in love with him instantly. I don’t post this stuff on facebook, though, no worries.

Then I married a guy whose family actually sits around and talks about their feelings! We are raising our son in the same way- lots of talking about emotions.

I agree with @leadmythoughts in that if you are aware of the possibility that your children might have a different experience of emotions and respect that, you’ll be more than fine as a mom. I think that teaching emotional intelligence and awareness is really important.

7

@kala I am like this. If you’re interested in Myers-[name_m]Briggs[/name_m] personality psychology, I’m an INTJ, rather a textbook case.

The Thinking/Feeling axis in terms of decision-making is the only personality axis that appears to be strongly gendered, with the majority of women falling on the Feeling side and the majoriy of men on the Thinking side. That’s why Thinking women can occasionally be made to feel unfeminine or even deficient. Of course, saying you’re more logical/abstract/blunt/calm does not mean you’re a psychopath devoid of all empathy (just like someone who says she’s drawn to people instead of abstract ideas or systems can still do algebra).

I will echo a lovely quote I heard recently: “becoming a parent opened rooms in my heart I didn’t know I had.” I love my children deeply, with a sort of slow smoldering love that grows with time. I didn’t feel an enormous rush of bonding when I held them in the delivery room, it’s grown as they’ve individuated and their unique selves are starting to be revealed as they’re aging. I am still a logical, rather abstract person though-- I am certain I will have limited patience to discuss the travails of adolescent heartbreak when my kids reach that age, but I think I bring my own unique gifts to motherhood. I don’t have dramatic anxiety about anyone hurting their feelings, I don’t hover and demand everyone be nice to my snowflake; I am content when they experience their little setbacks to watch them solve their own problems and not over-dramatize everything. They get a million kisses and hugs and “I love yous,” but not a lot of hand-wringing.

I think most of parenthood is a Pygmalion project, really. I am hoping to raise children that are independent, individualistic, tough-minded and solve their own problems, all while knowing they have the full unconditional love of both parents behind them.

If interested, I strongly recommend a book called “Mother Styles” which demonstrates the inherent strengths that different personality types of women (yes, the book only discusses women) bring to motherhood.

8

Thanks for your thoughts Tarynkay! Learning how my DH’s family functions has definitely been eye-opening. The sheer level of drama they allow to swirl around themselves is baffling to me, whose family has always been blunt to a fault.

hey blade!
I’m an ISTJ.
My degree is in research psych so I was rather obsessed with personality tests for a while. The I and T axes are the only ones that have never changed in my many takings of the test, lol.

Not being traditionally “feminine” (my husband is 100 times more ‘romantic’ than I am) as well as being logical and blunt is very much the story of my life.

I love that quotation and that growth of love is what draws me. I never thought I really…cared…about that. Maybe that sounds bad, but I’m slowly realizing that it would be lovely to experience.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ll definitely check out that book.

10

I am not an emotional person. I dont get upset when people die. i just think of it as a fact of life. i’m just not the kind of person that gets upset or happy over everything. I have a daughter that is 9. i felt, and still feel, the most love for her that i have ever expierenced for anyone or anything. i’m still not emotional when if comes to bumps and bruises. she is a VERY emotional person. She wears her heart on her sleeve which makes for long conversations. But when it comes down to it, i’m momma bear! I tell her i love her all the time. I make sure she knows it’s ok to be emotional to a point. you find a way to work through it. it’s just something that you do as a parent. when she was born, she didn’t cry and of course i freaked out a little. turns out, she was just a really quiet baby and child. i’m now pregnant with #2. I do feel a little unattached to the pregnancy it’s self. i did as well with my daughter. But, when they are born, it’s total love. just because you aren’t emotional, doesn’t mean you wont be a good parent.