The Mental Health Thread

Well done, pistachio, for starting this thread! Great idea!

I can relate to a lot of the stories told here. This thread shows that while we might think we’re alone in our experiences, many others really can understand - even just a little bit - and that can make a big difference.

I don’t know that I will go into my story, but I want to applaud those who have. Most of all, to all those who have expressed thoughts of suicide (or self-harm), please don’t go down that road. I’ve considered it many times myself, but let’s stick this out. It’s strange how I’ve considered this action for myself but as soon as others say it, my inner strength rises up and I have to implore them not to think that way - because it pains me so much to hear that others are suffering in this way.

[name_f]Hope[/name_f] will be a middle name for one of my daughters. <3

[name_m]Just[/name_m] found this thread, great idea! :slight_smile:

I’ve never been officially diagnosed, but I show most signs of OCPD and few of OCD’s (a mild one, I think). I positively have two phobias, on and off depression, and destructive mind. Does that count?

I’ve been officially diagnosed with major clinical depression and psychosis. My husband likes to say I’m OCD because I organized skittles and m&ms and everything by color, have to bathe at least once a day or I get nervous and panicky, things like that, but I tell him that if it was OCD it was extremely mild.

For my depression, I’ve been depressed for most of my life. It’s a feeling of self-loathing, no-one cares about me and no one loves me, and all that. It gets bad enough at times that I just don’t want to leave the bed, that I don’t care when the baby cries or when my husband needs me, which is why I’m so thankful he’s here during the day to help with her when it gets like that. I’ve self-harmed (and since there’s more than one type, specifically cutting) since I was 11. The last time I counted I have over 200 scars but that was when I was 17 I think, there’s a lot more now. It’s my arms, breasts, stomach, legs… It’s not always something I realize I’m doing. Sometimes I get so depressed and just find myself in the bathroom. The last time I self-harmed was…a few weeks ago if I’m being honest. I was so depressed and have a very bad dysphoria day and it just happened. I’ve had several suicide attempts and spent a week in the mental hospital but it was a terrible and not helpful experience.

The psychosis manifests in voices and violence. It’s voices in my head, not external, and with other things I’m bordering on a DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) diagnosis. I also have extremely violent outbursts sometimes when I’m pushed. some of my most recent example was when I was still living at home with my parents. My step-father was abusive and he pushed me to the ground. I jumped up, grabbed the fan off the wall, and according to my mother, smashed it against the wall until it broke apart, but I don’t remember it and I do remember my step-father, after I punched a wall, asking if my hand was broken and saying he wished it was and I tried to stab him. It’s terrible, but it doesn’t happen too often. The violent thoughts are there everyday, but I’m good about keeping them to myself.

I also, because of the bi-gender thing, have days where I have such bad body dysphoria that I cry for hours. I bind and look at myself in the mirror and if I can’t get my breasts as flat as a man’s chest, sometimes that makes me cry and cry. My days feeling like a man vs feeling like a woman happen 70%/30%. 70% of the time I feel like a man and wish I were one so I feel this dysphoria a lot.

I have an extreme phobia of needles. I can’t get shots (haven’t had a shot since the baby was born and before that not since I was 14), can’t get blood draw (again, not since pregnancy (and they had to take it from my hand) and before that, not since I was 15 I think). I hyperventilate, sweat, shake violently, get black spots before my eyes…

Other than that, my step-father was abusive. He would tell me he hated me and that no one would love me. That I was fat and worthless and would never amount to anything. He would push me and throw me down, hold me on the bed with his hand over my face…People at my high school would bully me to the point that they would tell me they wished I were dead. Because of all this, I have a very low opinion of myself. I don’t think I’m much to look at or very smart though logically, I know I am.

For therapy and meds, I don’t do either. I’ve seen 4 different Councillors. One of them was useless, the other didn’t seem to know what she was doing, one of them only saw me for a while before she moved elsewhere, and the one I saw the longest seemed to enjoy tormenting me. She would tell me that my step-father treated me that way because I deserved it, that everything bad about my life was my fault. She would tell me I deserved to be mistreated, that I was stupid for hurting myself, etc. She had a bad habit of buying inappropriate gifts for her patients (my friend who saw her also received a bra from here once O_o). I took several different types of meds but they never helped and one of them made me worse. I don’t take any now because I can’t afford them and I don’t really have insurance.

I’m working on all of this though, and you should all feel proud that you can own these things. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t let it beat you. Stay strong and just breathe. :slight_smile: If anyone wants to privately talk, I’m here.

Hey. Thanks for starting this thread. It makes me feel less alone even though I am not ready to share my story.

[name_m]Louie[/name_m]- I still think that you should be active here on Nameberry, we are totally fine with you not knowing English that well. : )

Please feel free to be more active! If anything, participating more on the forums would help you become better at English, wouldn’t it? What’s your first language?

There are so many brave, incredible people here.

I know that I could be worse. I was diagnosed with ADHD (which is a bigger problem than people make it seem) and depression very young. My parents tried to help but helping with their personalities meant blindly following whatever douche my pediatrician had recommended. I was what I’ve always heard called a cocktail kid - given whatever they could get golf clubs from. I did a really stupid thing around 12 and stopped taking all of them cold turkey. Never, ever, ever do that, I’m amazed that I didn’t end up hospitalized, but they just wouldn’t listen. I’d tell them that something made me sick and they’d raise the dosage.

I have OCD, which has been severe in the past, but I’m doing better with managing some parts of it now. With OCD comes intrusive thoughts. My SO always tells me that I should just write horror because of what I can come up with, but I’m afraid that if I let it out to anyone but him, even a doctor, that they’ll happen.

I’ve always been a little skittish, but my anxiety really exploded as I got older, I think it was mostly birth control. I finally saw an adult neurologist, he diagnosed me with chronic intractable migraine, switched my stimulant and added an antidepressant/anti-anxiety and Topamax medication. I had a few bad reactions and a switch flipped in my head. I started seeing someone for cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped for a while, but then I started failing. [name_u]Ever[/name_u] notice how everything is your fault when their techniques just aren’t helping all that much? I failed. I went from weird girl with anxiety to a panic machine. Everything was wrong with me.

I have hypochondria. It’s usually normal fears (cancer, heart problems, blood clots), but lately more exotic extremely improbable things (necrotizing fasciitis, spongiform encephalopathy, but they said that that was included in the cord blood test) and I know I’m missing several things that just haven’t been big concerns lately. That’ll bother me when they come up later, like forgetting them will cause them.

I don’t know what it is, if it’s part of social anxiety, but I have this compulsive urge to decimate any relationship I have, and I’m pretty good at it. I would ignore friends all throughout elementary school, which you would think would be a sign, but the doctor thought I was just looking for attention. I completely destroyed the tiny social life I had as a teenager, and almost drove [name_m]Kevin[/name_m] completely away when I was about 16 (we met online when I was 13), but I’d rather not relive that. I think the only reason that we’re still together is that he’s just exactly the same way. I think it made our relationship stronger in some weird way.

I have periods of acute paranoia and psychosis. I think there’s something else wrong with me, but my last therapist grouped it in with anxiety. It’s never anything violent, but a complete disconnect from reality. For days I have a thing, I don’t know what else to call it. There is a pattern - I’ll have a thought, thought becomes fear, fear becomes panic, panic panic panic, spend a few days shaking in a corner because it’s so totally going to happen, argue with SO that his statistics and research are flawed, slowly start to break through it, I start to realize that the topic is improbable, I reason, consult SO, reason, consult SO, over and over until I’ve broken through it myself. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] it doesn’t happen again for a while. I have no idea when it’s going to happen, what it’s going to be about.

SO was diagnosed this year with Bipolar Disorder II after a particularly terrifying experience. He hadn’t been himself for a long time, but it was getting worse. He had been struggling with depression but was uninsured and we just couldn’t swing the bill. The mixture of the wrong medicine, dropping off of the wrong medicine, and not sleeping enough really brought it out. We started arguing one morning. I can’t go into this. It ended with him involuntarily committed, a precautionary CPS investigation, We call it the serotonin accident to anyone who asks.

I think that’s the only time that I felt truly suicidal, but at the same time I had to stand up for him, and be a mommy, and not say anything in any of my few social outlets and I still can’t. I didn’t even tell my doctor how I was feeling because when I told him about that morning he understandably focused completely on what was happening with SO. I still haven’t told SO either. I hated him. For months we were in the same horrible situation, but we finally knew why. I just didn’t love him, and not because of his diagnosis, because of what he did and how he didn’t seem to care to take care of it after the first week or so. He’s doing a lot better now and our relationship is better than it’s been for years most of the time, but if I’m completely honest, I’m still afraid of him sometimes. I think that if he were completely honest, I would very very rarely, less than 1% of the time, have a reason to be.

I just generally hate myself. I’ve taken to calling social anxiety what it is: Self Loathing. I feel like a (expletive) mommy. I’m so impatient and boring. I don’t know how to play with him or stimulate him and all of my story/stuffy voices sound the same. This is all I’ve ever wanted and I’m failing. I was supposed to be the successful one, but as I progressed through school, I was dropped into lower and lower classes until I left to do cyber school, where they actually cared that I was bored and placed me appropriately and not based on my grades. I finished two years in seven months (after lying aroubd for five months). I should have gone to college, even community college, but I stayed in another year because my mother wanted to see me walk in some ceremony and I was so stupid and went along with it. [name_m]How[/name_m] could I have (expletive) that up? I think everyone here and anywhere else I participate thinks I’m a troll. I asked to do a guest blog and I just can’t do it. I couldn’t even respond to the wonderful replies on the Mad Scribblers thread. I’m 22 and by the time I find a career, I’m not sure it’ll be worth it. I think I’ve proven pretty well that I’m not going to be a writer. I can’t look at people when I speak to them and I was crazy enough to reproduce and pass all of this (expletive) onto an innocent, perfect little person. He is my entire life and I destroyed his by being who I am. SO likes to point out the silver lining of it all - at least, when he’s older, we’ll know what to look for. It’s all gotten a little better the further out from pregnancy I get. I think it was really so bad for so long because of birth control and then preggo hormones.

Hey, look at that, I ended up venting still didn’t get to everything. I need a new therapist.

I’m a little nervous to post here but here it goes…

I don’t have an official diagnoses or anything but I’ve had severe anxiety and social anxiety all my life. I am afraid of everything. I got my drivers license this summer and have yet to drive alone because I am terrified of being killed in a car crash. My mind is constantly racing with horrible scenarios of what could happen if I did anything out of the ordinary. It never slows down. For the past year or so my mind has been fixated on something so superficial that it would probably make some people mad so I won’t say it on here, but I worry about every single minute of every single day. I feel mentally exhausted after every day because I cannot get my mind to quiet down. I have nightmares almost every single night because I can not stop thinking about bad things that might happen.

I’ve had social anxiety ever since I can remember. I was embarrassed often as a child and those experiences have scarred me so much that I’m practically paralyzed in every social situation. My social anxiety is so bad I won’t go and purchase food alone when I’m hungry or go to the bathroom in public if someone else is in the bathroom. I won’t initiate conversations so I am basically incapable of making friends. I feel like I look all wrong and I act all wrong and no one wants to talk to me or be around me because I’m not good looking or interesting. I’m just an awkward person who has trouble connecting with people. The worst part is I can really like someone (as a friend or more) but once I start liking them I won’t talk to them because I feel like their better than me and I’m not good enough to be their friend.

I’ve been going to counseling for a couple months but I don’t feel its helping. Its nice to have some one to talk to but for some reason I don’t believe what she tells me about the world. I know I can’t live like this anymore. I never do anything. I never go anywhere. I want to have a full life. But I’m afraid of awful things happening to me. I’m afraid of rejection and social embarrassment and I don’t know how to stop being afraid other than putting myself into uncomfortable situations which I’m not ready for.

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] everyone! Your stories are incredible to read. I am a therapist who works with kids and your stories hit very close to home. They say that all professionals get into mental health for a reason and mine was my parents very messy divorce leading to depression/anxiety issues. The depression is much better now but my anxiety is still a major issue (racing thoughts, perseverating, panic symptoms). I am not medicated and do not feel I need medication.

I always wished for someone to talk to growing up (not connected to my family) and to help me get through my adolescence. I rebelled as a cry for help and no one listened to me. I think I became a therapist to help kids, so they would have someone to listen.

This is a great idea for a thread! Therapy is not for everyone and sometimes getting it all there can be a release.

[name_u]Peace[/name_u] to you all on your individual journeys. Deep breaths, baby steps. :slight_smile:

My problems are not even close to being as severe as some of yours, but I figured I’d post anyway.

I’m normally a happy kid. Very happy, to say the least. But on occasions where something really ticks me off, I will BLOW UP. And I mean BLOW UP. In 1st grade I tried to throw a chair across the room during class. It can be just the smallest little thing, but I will get monstrous. Like fire-breathing dragon monstrous. I once tried to throw my glass piggy bank at my older brother (last year).

Thank you so much jtucker and southern.maple! My first language is danish :slight_smile:

I’ll share a bit.

Growing up, I guess I didn’t handle situations properly. I had a friend, who was African-American, get picked on by a boy who threw mulch at her and said hurtful things like 'Here, blackie, here’s some more black for ya". I beat him up and the school swept the situation under the bus and made me apologize to him.

Well, flash forward, as we got older and went through middle school, I really didn’t adjust and the people I thought were my friends, slipped away. I started having suicidal thoughts, but I never attempted. I had a friend who used to cut herself, her arm was covered completely with scars. I told the counselor about it because she was doing it at school, cutting, and they yelled at me. I still feel I did the right thing. Finally, in high school, it got a little better.

Earlier this year, the only grandpa I ever knew died and my uncle died. That was a difficult time, but I stayed in school. I felt if I was alone, I would think about it and cry all day. I got into a college, but then couldn’t attend because they changed the price and in [name_f]September[/name_f], I attempted suicide. I couldn’t do it because I was afraid. I tried talking to people, but they looked at me like I was a disease. My former teacher persuaded me to look into counseling, but the career I want to pursue makes it impossible to seek mental health treatment. I had a few thoughts since then, but no more attempts. I’ve started taking birth control, I believe that is why I had the attempt because I’ve never had one before.

I don’t know if my story really fits in on this thread because I’m not sure if my issues are exactly mental health issues but Nameberry is such a great, supportive community I figured I’d share anyway. I’m kind of scared to post it and I’m sure it will take me a long time to type out.

I have not struggled anywhere near as much as you guys have but I’m so glad that pistachio started this thread because it will be nice just to say (write) this to someone. I can’t really talk about it much in real life because I have friends who are struggling much more than me (one friend has autism and is finding living away from home at university very hard, another has a terminally ill parent and another has a physical disability that causes them chronic pain) so I don’t like to talk to them about it because I feel guilty and don’t want to seem like I’m whingeing. My family would probably be supportive but I’m just too embarrassed and they think I’m being melodramatic. I have been to my GP and he basically said, yeah you suffer from anxiety, I could give you some medication but you’d probably be better off learning to live with it and I agreed with him because I really didn’t want to end up taking medication. So that wasn’t much help!

Basically, everything makes me anxious. Actually, I’m not anxious about bugs and germs or having an accident or illness or anything like that, it’s mainly social anxiety. It doesn’t affect my life in a serious way, it’s just simple daily things that cause lots of stress. I constantly worry about what other people think of me. A 2 line email takes hours to compose because I am terrified that it will come across as rude, be too formal or not formal enough. Then, after I’ve sent it I can’t relax until I get a reply and am reassured they aren’t angry/annoyed. I find talking to people stressful too. Particularly work colleagues and strangers. I bite my nails, shake, can’t get my words out in the right order, stammer, blush, and talk so fast that they can’t understand me so I have to either repeat myself until it’s understandable or just give up and walk away embarrassed. When in public, I’m paranoid that people think I look weird/strange so I don’t like to go out alone. Ordering food in a restaurant and asking for help is an ordeal. I need things to follow a routine/schedule and I panic and get stressed if it changes. I must have 3 meals in the day, one must be a hot meal and another must be a sandwich/snack meal (this is only an issue because when I go out with my friends they are much more relaxed about meals and could have one large meal in the afternoon instead of lunch and dinner and then I get weirdly and unreasonably upset which makes them think I’m weird and then I get panicky that they’ll hate me etc). I’ve always been shy, but as I’ve got older and done more and more things by myself it’s become much more stressful. When I started having to study for exams is when it got really bad though. I would get terrified that I would fail and become angry and frustrated, shout at my parents and be completely irrational and unreasonable.

And the nail biting thing. My hands are a mess. My nails are bitten right down and then when I run out of nail to bite, I move onto the skin around my nails. They are constantly sore and bleeding, but I can’t stop. I know when I’m doing it that I shouldn’t but I just can’t stop myself and I can’t cope without biting them. I have never self harmed or considered suicide (though I do occasionally think, ‘what’s the point?’, I can’t imagine how hard things must have been for those of you who have considered/attempted suicide) though when I’m angry and feel like I am going to lash out/be violent/punch a wall I dig what is left of my nails (and considering how short they are, nails that have been bitten are very sharp and uneven) into my stomach and I find this weirdly relaxing.

And despite all this, I want to be a doctor! Sometimes I think I’m crazy for even trying to because how the hell will I cope!? But it’s all I’ve ever wanted and I don’t want my anxieties to get in the way of my dreams. I am terrified of going to university though - having to meet all those new people and make new friends without my old friends there to help. Making friends isn’t exactly my strong point considering starting conversations is almost impossible. I met my best friend on the first day of secondary school and from there she initiated friendships and I just ended up being friends with whoever she made friends with. I do have some amazing friends and we’re really close, but they can’t be there all the time.

I have never really shared this much with anyone before (some of the things I’ve never even told my doctor or my parents). My way of coping is to push it down inside and try and pretend that I’m not feeling these things in the hope that it will go away. So, as I’m writing this I feel so much relief to finally ‘let it out’. So thank you so much for listening (well, reading). I’m sorry it got kind of rambly, I’m not very good at organising my thoughts into coherent sentences.

You sound a lot like me, PotOfGold. The third paragraph especially. I understand about routine, social anxiety and having things a certain way. For example, I have a particular tray I have my food on and I have to explain to people that they can’t use it when they come round to our house.

When I was your age I was almost identical. In the intervening nine years I’ve become better at hiding the social anxiety when talking to people but I still have to concentrate very hard when ordering things from a menu etc.

Renrose, it’s reassuring to talk to someone else who is the same and is particularly reassuring that you have managed to hide it.
I have a chair at the dining table I always sit at and when I was younger and people came round for tea and sat in my chair I freaked out, it was so embarrassing but sitting in a different chair just feels wrong lol!

Indeed! :slight_smile:

Some of these things are an eye opener to me, for example potofgold if my grandchildren don’t willingly sit on another chair when we come to dinner I consider them rude and disrespectful. It would never occur to me that someone would get anxious about that small change in routine.

rollo

I think people often do consider me to be rude and disrespectful or just stubborn and stroppy when I get angry and upset about petty things but to be honest it’s partly my own fault because if I explained it to them they’d probably be much more understanding :slight_smile:

@Potofgold and @renrose This is freaky! You are describing my life.

It’s weird, I had never thought there would be so many other people like me!

Renrose, I just reread your earlier post where you mentioned Asperger’s. I suspect that there is a possibility I may have it too because the majority of the characteristics sounds so like me! I also have a (diagnosed) specific learning difficulty which is apparently common with Asperger’s. And people call me [name_u]Sheldon[/name_u] (from Big Bang [name_m]Theory[/name_m] - I just don’t get sarcasm!). I feel people wouldn’t take me seriously though and am wary that reading things about it on the internet might have led me to draw the wrong conclusions