Things on my mind

Hello Berries!

Life’s been very busy for me with three boys under four! There have been some things on my mind and after bringing them up with some friends and family I’ve realised that sometimes it is difficult to discuss these kind of things with close people, they are either too opinionated and pushy or reluctant to be honest. So here I am back on nameberry, you guys always provide really good advice!

So the first thing on my mind is when to start TTC baby number four. [name_f]My[/name_f] partner and I decided that we would wait at least a few years before even thinking about number four, but I can’t help but worry that if we do wait so long that it would be unfair to the fourth child, with the first three being so close together.
Does anyone have any advice/ opinions on this?

And further to this, with four boys already I’m a bit worried that there would be a stigma attached the fourth child. If it is a boy I wouldn’t want him to always get the “I bet your parents wanted you to be a girl” thing! And those comments would probably happen if it were a girl too. I guess this isn’t so much a question, but more a vent, if you have any thoughts feel free to chime in!

[name_f]My[/name_f] biggest concern at the moment is my oldest two boys. I have discussed this with my GP and have been told not to worry so much about it, but I can’t help it!
[name_f]My[/name_f] eldest has been quite slow in his development, particularly his speech. At three and a half he is just starting to put sentences together. He has seen a speech therapist and they are confident that he is progressing well.
What I am concerned about is that my second child, who is two and a half, is quite advanced in his development, and has almost the same level of communication as his brother.
I’m really worried that this pattern will continue as they get older and will affect their relationship. Particularly that [name_u]Max[/name_u] will feel threatened by his younger brother.
Can anyone relate to this, from their own childhood or their children’s’? Am I getting all worried for no good reason!

Thank you to anyone who actually read all of my rant! I look forward to any replies!

Your three boys would likely love helping out with and loving on a sibling with a larger age gap. I think the wait will be fine if you and your husband agree. As far as gender is concerned, everyone I know with three kids of the same sex got the. ‘were you trying for a boy / girl’ question. I’m pregnant with number two and people even assume I want a boy because I already have a girl.

I can definitely relate to this. [name_f]My[/name_f] older two are like yours; they were almost like twins in their communication abilities at 3.5 and 2.5. [name_f]My[/name_f] older two are also in the same grade (long story), and yes, it does breed some amount of unnecessary resentment/competitiveness. We’re currently working on boosting [name_u]James[/name_u]’ confidence because he feels like [name_m]Will[/name_m] is quicker/better at everything–somewhat justified but hardly universal; [name_u]James[/name_u] is more creative and artsy; [name_m]Will[/name_m] is much more athletic (with one exception: distance running) and hardly needs to try for his grades. I’m trying not to let them label themselves too much. We’re also trying to emphasize effort and enjoyment of activities rather than who was faster or learned something more easily.

When [name_f]Elise[/name_f] was born, everyone did say, “you got your girl!” and it really annoyed me. I love my daughter but would have been thrilled to have all boys, too. So, yes, people make stupid comments either way, and make sure you tell your boys (if you do have all boys) to ignore the dumb things people say, and that they are all very much loved and appreciated for exactly who they are.

Also, I was extremely worried about the issue of how our older kids would deal with a new baby. I am very relieved to report that it has been an excellent experience, though. They are all incredibly helpful and attentive and smitten with their baby brother. We do try to spend special time with each of them, though.

I wonder now if people think you had two boys tried for a third and got a boy. I know that is sometimes what I think, even when I don’t mean too.

I am in the same position! I am more concerned about the kids thinking that when they grow up, I can handle the comments to me! I think I am particularly worried about it because, as much as I would love another boy, I am really hanging out for a girl!

Hi I just want to respond to the bit about Felix catching up to Max’s verbal skills. I think the pattern definitely may continue as the boys get older. It just seems to be a common occurrence that the second born in a family will constantly strive to keep up with or even out-do the first born- in everything, especially academics.
I am 13 months younger than my brother- and I completed first grade in 2 months, so my mum had to put me in second grade along with him, just to keep me busy the rest of the school year. I couldn’t seem to learn fast enough. We graduated High School together, studying every subject together along the way.
We were like twins. We were inseparable. We joined clubs together, went to summer camp together, were baptized into our faith together, took swimming lessons together, and formed the same groups of friends.
But it rarely caused friction; I’d even say it never caused resentment or bad feelings between us two or in the family. We loved having each other as a constant companion. The only lack of grace came from the outside world, which seem so intent on categorizing each child into nice tidy little boxes based on their exact date of birth.
Even though I “caught up” and even surpassed my brother academically and developmentally, there were many things he learned first and taught to me… how to ride a bike, tie shoes, dating, Driver’s Ed, moving out of the home, etc. He was always more athletic and much stronger than me. I excelled at English and Art; he at Mathematics and Science. I had a healthy respect for his talents, and he for mine.
My husband is a firstborn who’s second born sister was constantly out shining him in every conceivable way. He did resent her at times, mostly because he received little to no affirmation for his own strengths.
I think you may find that one key to helping your boys relate to one another is to insist upon basic respect for each individual. Such as, “in this house, no sibling is allowed to make fun of/ belittle/ put down another.” As long as each child is celebrated for his or her natural abilities, accomplishments, and interests, there need be no jealousy or resentment.

I agree with the comments about complimenting your boys on their achievements is a great idea and also I would consider eventually finding [name_u]Max[/name_u] an outlet. Something that he loves to do, be it a sport or a hobby or something, just so if he doesn’t end up being strongly academic, he still has something that he feels like he achieves at.

I have two other cousins who are a year apart. [name_m]Both[/name_m] girls and one was doing incredibly well at school, the school wanted to bump my cousin up, my aunt said no. For a few different reasons, A) Because it would’ve been problematic for her older daughter (which I think is more a case by case basis as proven by the above poster, ) B) She wasn’t emotionally ready to skip a grade. So in terms of that side of things, I agree that some siblings are very competitive, and others aren’t as much. But ultimately, you know your boys better than anyone and as long as they don’t feel that because of the academic side of things they have to compete for you love, I think they’ll be okay.

Now in regards to the age gap, my brother and I are six years apart, it was planned that way; but unfortunately to various issues that’s the way things turned out. We never really competed for my parents attention or praise. Now when I was five, almost six, that age gap felt huge. But by the time he was probably about four or so, the gap didn’t feel THAT large. I think it really depends on the way you approach it with your kiddos, I am assuming that you try to get your kids to bond closely, like share loads of cuddles and time together. That physically affection really strengthened my relationship with my brother. Now that he’s thirteen and I am nineteen, we’re still just as close, sure we fight and need our own down time. But he’s one of my closest friends and the age group honestly didn’t hinder us too much. We grew up alongside two of our cousins, [name_m]Zachary[/name_m] who was six months younger than me and [name_f]Isabella[/name_f] who was three years younger than him, then my brother who was two years younger than her. It seemed to work okay for us, because we could have time as ‘the older two’ and time as a group, if that makes sense. I never really felt and neither did my brother, that he was missing out on anything. We travelled a lot as little kids, the four of us and the two of us, but there was never any ounce of jealousy or felt like Mum and Dad were making a priority of one group and not the other. So I think it’s all in your approach if you get what I mean :slight_smile: