To know... or not to know

Hey dears,

I have talked to my other about this multiple times, but we always hit an impasse… I want to know the sex in utero, he wants a surprise at the birth.

I get the fun of being surprised and all… but I am a super organised person, and I like to know what is happening down to the details. I like the idea of knowing what kind of clothes and accessories to buy. And I [name_u]LOVE[/name_u] the idea of being able to talk to baby, and call him/her by their name, ect.

Has anyone else had this issue??

What did you do in the end? Know or not know? Who made the compromise and why?

I don’t want us to argue about it, or for one of us to resent not getting what they want…

Thanks xo

As someone who has done both things during pregnancy I can easily tell you I prefer to know beforehand. It’s a surprise either way because other than the sex you wont exactly know what your baby will look like of if he/she looks like mommy or daddy or has nanna’s nose and hair like grandpa’s. Having a baby is always a surprise because each one is a little person and therefore different, with his or hers own personality and quirks.

With my son [name_m]Hugo[/name_m] I decided to keep it a surprise and really it was super overwhelming. I had been thinking the whole time it was a girl (bets were made and I admit, deep inside I was hoping for a girl) and when he came out a baby boy, I was happy, but a part of me was a bit disappointed (at the time we had planned on him being our only child). I think that knowing beforehand would have given me more time to prepare to be a boy mommy and really not have that initial shock. Of course that was my own experience with it and I’m sure it wasn’t the case for many other parents out there who decided to keep it a surprise.

With my other kids, I found it logistically, financially and emotionally easier to find out in utero. I’m not much of a planner but when it comes to my kids I learned that I am :wink:

We found out with all three. With the first I wanted to wait but husband wanted to know and I wasn’t that adamant about not finding out. It’s so much fun to know.

Opposite way around for us. First time around I didn’t want to know and he decided at the scan he did. I told him he’d not given me enough warning so no :slight_smile: I let him watch the ultrasound, Im a vet and used to working with it so turned away.
He guessed right or was right!
This time around again I really don’t want to know. I liked that surprise at the end, it felt more fun telling people other than saying ‘hes here’. Personal preference I know. DH wants to know again, I think because he thinks it will be a girl and he’s scared! Id prefer not to know for that same reason :slight_smile: I also know we are set on only one name and I don’t really want to name the baby before it’s here.
Oh and as far as working out who wins…this time around it’s harder but my DH has just started a job away ALOT! and he feels bad so I think he’ll give me this. Also he generally makes the decisions about most things as I’m pretty laid back compared to him so if I say something is important to me he listens

My DH originally didn’t want to know, but I did… we compromised with a gender reveal party because it’s still a surprise and kind of exciting but still before the arrival of the baby.

[name_u]Haven[/name_u]'t been in that situation as we both wanted to find out, but are you planning on having more than one child? Maybe you could compromise by finding out with your first, but having a surprise with your second (or the other way around) if that’s something that’s in the cards.

It feels like very few people these days wait until the baby’s arrival to find out whether they are expecting a boy or girl. So few in fact that we had many not believe that we truly didn’t know the sex with our pregnancies, they assumed we just didn’t want to share the information! It was the most wonderful, joyous experience to have my husband announce to me and then as we were brought out of the operating room and greeted by our family to proudly reveal to them. Especially with scheduled cesareans it allowed an element of surprise and gave my husband a special role. Also I am a planner to the extreme with everything but it truly didn’t make things difficult. Waiting for anything in our modern society is unheard of, we live in an instant gratification world, but for us patience during our pregnancies was beyond worth it!

I think we’ll be finding out before I give birth, so we can have a better idea of “who’s in there”, so to speak, and to make name choice easier (um, theoretically!), but won’t be telling other people.

[name_m]Hi[/name_m]! I’ve never been pregnant, but we’ve talked about this a lot and we’re the opposite way around - I reeeeallly don’t want to know, and he does. Your choice is your choice, but I thought my view might help you to understand your partner’s. Sometimes it’s easier to hear from a stranger, or your partner might just not know how to say why he wants to wait!

I don’t want to know, not just because it’s a cool surprise or whatever but because I care very much about children not being pushed into boxes that aren’t them. I come from a community that is [name_m]WAY[/name_m] overly obsessed with gender stereotypes - and while I’m totally fine with having a girly girl daughter or a macho blokey son, I’d rather not push that expectation on them before they’re even born. It’s going to be hard enough trying to let my kids be who they want to be - rather than who their grandparents want them to be, or their auntie, or the communities they will be growing up in want them to be - it will be hard enough even from birth, let alone in the months before hand. There’s also the fact that I just plain don’t care what gender my children are. All boys, all girls, some of each, no part of me is secretly hoping for anything (except, you know, a healthy baby), so there’s no room for disappointment. When I asked my husband why he wants to find out, his reasons are either similar to most of the previous posters on this thread i.e. ‘so we can be prepared’ or ‘because it’s easy to find out’. The second reason wasn’t good enough for me (it’s also easy to not find out), and on the preparation part, the only thing dependent on gender he could think of that he wanted to prepare for was the name. I said we’ll go in with one name ready for each gender, then you’re prepared. It’s taken a bit of convincing.

Of course, you’ll be raising your own children in a different place and a different family and a different community to me, and probably with different parenting ideals too, and I in no way am trying to condemn parents who do find out the gender. This is just meant to be a ‘this is why I don’t want to find out’ so maybe you might be able to see his side of the story. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you :slight_smile:

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t want to know the gender and my husband agreed. I changed my mind after only a few weeks. It’s just way more practical to know the gender beforehand. I’m definitely not one of those “blue is for boys, pink is for girls only” types, and in fact our nursery was mostly gender neutral anyway, but for some things it’s just very handy to know. And it gave me more time and space to prepare for being a parent. It’s overwhelming and scary enough as it is, there are so many things you don’t know and can’t plan. We didn’t share it with anyone though, so it was a surprise for everyone else.

No kids as of yet, but as we’re planning on TTC later this year DH and I have talked about this extensively. We’re both firmly in the find out beforehand camp with some debate as to whether we’ll just find out at the ultrasound or do a gender reveal party.

Our reasons for wanting to find out are pretty similar to what most people have mentioned the ability to plan names, etc., we both think it would be incredibly annoying to not know everything about our future child when we have the ability to know it, we don’t want to deal with the constant questioning and pestering about what the sex is and why we haven’t found out (his family will be quite annoying throughout the entire process I’m sure), but the biggest reason we want to find out ASAP is that we both have a preferred sex.

While obviously we’ll love and cherish any child, due to familial situations, upbringing, etc. we both have relatively strong gender preferences which unfortunately aren’t the same. By finding out beforehand, we agreed this would allow us time to privately process any disappointment and begin to get excited/prepared for the child we’re actually having before it’s here.

[name_m]Just[/name_m] wanted to throw in another vote for not finding out beforehand, since it’s pretty uncommon these days. Like previous posters in both camps, I feel strongly that knowing the baby’s sex does not really mean knowing that much about them - they all have their own personalities, likes, and inclinations. It was nice that when baby was kicking in utero, we didn’t have to hear “he’s kicking so hard because he’s a BOY!” - we got plenty of that sh!t after he was born. Personally, I’m a woman, and I kick hard. :slight_smile:
Also, this is personal taste, but I like gender neutral baby clothing the best anyway!

I also think there is merit to both sides, finding out/not finding out, when someone has a strong preference for a boy or a girl. I do know people who have found out beforehand to give themselves/their partners a chance to process, and I totally recognize that finding out was probably for the best for them! I will speak from personal experience, though - I was kind of hoping for a girl before TTC and the pregnancy (all the while NOT knowing) gave me a push to really think about how I would feel about being mom to a boy…or a girl. I realized that it didn’t much matter, but I also starting leaning toward wanting a boy by the end of the pregnancy! I was genuinely excited to have a boy when he arrived!

[name_m]Just[/name_m] my two cents…

My thoughts exactly!

I never want to base the planning of my unborn children on what colour accessories to buy; that’s honestly so bizarre to me. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if I did find out I’d only buy gender neutral stuff out of principal. However I think because finding out is so easy, I would probably be too tempted not to. Raising a son vs a daughter is a different experience (environmentally, more than inherently to the child) and I like the idea of knowing.

I guess I’ll wait till I’m actually pregnant to decide but just wanted to jump in to agree about the materialistic stuff. It bugs me to no end.

We don’t find out beforehand, and we prefer it that way.

It makes the birth all the more anticipatory. Also, sharing the news of the birth is surprise #1, then the gender is a second surprise! We happen to wait on sharing a name until we have a religious naming ceremony (anywhere from 1 to 8 days later) and the exciting news just keeps growing.

While it might be nice to plan some things beforehand with a gender known, there is still plenty of time to acquire your more gender specific things after the birth of your little one.

And once you decide to know the gender beforehand, you can’t go back on your decision. [name_m]Just[/name_m] a thought.

We both want to know so it’s not an issue for us, we will hopefully be finding out on [name_u]August[/name_u] 16!

However, for a compromise, why not you find out and just not tell him? You can always buy gender neutral or if you want to get specific gender things, keep them hidden and tell your husband where they are so they don’t look! I would also just not tell anyone else because then you risk him finding out from someone else. It really depends on how well you can keep a secret though.

@moondreams & all the nameberries, I have heard of this before but can’t fathem how the partner would not be able to determine if they were going to have a boy or girl based on the reactions of the spouse. Would the parent who knows play along and still discuss names of the sex that doesn’t apply? I think it would drive me crazy haha, analyzing everything from the pronouns used in conversation, to what colour items they looked at more closely in the baby store etc!

Does anyone have experience with this or know of it working well or not?

Haha… I do wonder about this too. Originally, I contemplated doing this… but I honestly don’t think I would manage keeping that big a secret for so long! I would blow it some way or other… I would specify a pronoun or use the name we’d chosen for a specific gender or something!

Ditto that question!

This is very true, and a very good point. And I am happy with whatever gender we have… the control freak in me just wants to know. I guess, in that sense, my wanting to know is more about me than the baby (that sounds awful… but it would help me mentally prepare). I hate stereotyping, especially for genders, so I am not the type to go “yay it’s a girl” and paint everything pink. I would still have a collection of colours and styles, and be very open about it all.

Thank you for sharing. :slight_smile:

We plan to have multiple, yes. So I guess this would be an option. :slight_smile:

We’re still TTC our first, but we’ve discussed this topic before. I personally tend to go back and forth. Part of me would really like to know ahead of time, but part of me wonders if I could hold out for so many months. DH is pretty neutral. He’d like to know, but wouldn’t be super bothered if we didn’t/couldn’t find out either. I have noticed that, sometimes, people who choose to find out before the birth are snubbed by those who waited until the birth. Notice I said sometimes, not always. I don’t get what the big deal is either way, honestly. In my opinion, you will be surprised at one point or another…some may choose to be surprised sooner than others, but it’ll happen at some point regardless.

I have several relatives who have struggled with infertility and, given the medical feedback we’ve gotten thus far, it will be hard for us to conceive naturally, too. If we are lucky enough to conceive at some point, what would be so wrong about us being excited and finding out the gender at the ultrasound? I promise all the naysayers, our child would be so loved that it wouldn’t matter to us what gender it would be. It wouldn’t even be to buy the gasp “gendered clothing”, although I don’t understand what is wrong about getting little dresses or baby suits, pink or blue, lace or football teams. It would be because we’d be excited about the little person on the way and we’d consider it part of our journey to find out boy or girl and start coming up with a very short list of names to bring to the hospital, or I could maybe start decorating a room or something. Not trying to sway the original post, but this is just my take on it, from my own perspective.