uninvolved opinion needed

Two or three years ago Hubs and I decided that my sister should be set up as our child’s godmother. We wanted his best friend to be their godfather (the one we felt most comfortable with having our child should something happen) but he turned us down saying he didn’t want the responsibility. I was totally okay with that.

Today I found out that Hubs has promised a friend that she could be their godmother. However, I can’t stand this friend and do not want her and her bad choices around my child. Her and my husband’s relationship makes me uneasy and nothing can convince him that the way they act raises red flags. They only see each other a few times a year but they’ll stay up long after I’ve gone to bed watching movies, they go to dinner, she will lay on him and nap (I lost it when I stumbled upon that one). I’ve had people ask about their relationship.
So, not only can I not stand her, she is continually “engaged” to a new guy she met a few weeks prior and has been living out of her car for almost 4 months. I don’t want to think that my child could be living like that.

Now, I’ve talked to my husband about her. He understands I don’t like her but doesn’t see the big deal about her being our child’s godmother. He doesn’t really want my sister to be (she smokes weed) however she holds down a full time job, has an apartment, and has repeatedly said that if she was in charge of a child she would stop smoking. I’ve suggested we don’t do godparents but again, he doesn’t want to do that because he’s promised this friend.

Am I over reacting? I don’t feel as though I am. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time we talk my husband says we’ve had this conversation and he doesn’t see what’s wrong with it. On his end it is innocent. I’m just not sure about hers.

Sorry, I’m hormonal and rambling. I just need an outside view on the situation.

I don’t think you are being hormonal or over-reacting.

I think you both have every right to choose someone as a godparent to your child who makes you feel comfortable and safe. If this female-friend of your husbands doesn’t do that for you then you should stand up for that. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it means you have to have that awkward conversation with her yourself about why you don’t want her to be your childs god-parent. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if he did promise it – it wasn’t a promise he should have made without consulting you. Most people who live out of cars will understand that that is not something you want your child looking up to. Equally however, if your DH isn’t comfortable with your sister smoking weed and being a godparent you will need to give him that. (She will still be the aunt and you can always designate her as the guardian at a later point in time).

I suggest either making the titles ceremonial or finding someone you both can agree on.

We haven’t agreed yet either - though it’s pretty clear that if something where to happen to both of us my mom would be in charge of the kid and then maybe my cousin or his. (Definitely not his sister – we both agree on that!) It worked for us to talk about the values that were important for us to instill in our daughter and then decide who that we knew was the most capable of doing so. (And we know that we needed to have life insurance policies so it doesn’t become a financial burden on the people we choose as well). If being able to find a stable loving commitment is one of those values this friend of his isn’t going to be the best choice at the moment! If being clean and sober is for him than your sister won’t work either. I’m sure if you try to approach it from a different angle you guys will be able to figure it out.

It doesn’t matter if he promised his friend. If you are not comfortable with her, she should not potentially be the guardian of your child. The same thing goes on his side. If he is not comfortable with your sister, it should not be her. The potential guardian should be someone you are both comfortable with, someone who shares your values and would raise your kid the way you would. This is a decision that you have to make together

When you do go to designate a guardian after you have a child, make sure you go to a lawyer to draw up a will naming this guardian. Courts can and will ignore the godmother, it’s a lot harder to challenge your will. This is extremely important! Especially when there are many people who might want to be the guardian (grandparents, siblings, friends…) kids can end up in foster care waiting for custody to get sorted out.

Also, keep in mind that life insurance will not pay out to a minor. So do NOT make the child a beneficiary of your policy. Either make the guardian the beneficiary or have the policy go into a trust accessible for the maintenance of the child.

Heck no you are not being unreasonable. You both need to be comfortable with who would raise your child/ren if something were to happen to both of you. I would have to put my foot down and say a hard no to the “friend”, and a no to your sister since he is not comfortable with her raising your child/ren if needed.

Another poster said to discuss what values/morals that you’d want instilled in your child and how you would want your child raised if you both died, this is an excellent idea to make a list of those, then to from there when selecting.

Also, even if it’s innocent on his side of it and her actions are inappropriate or make you uncomfortable (laying on him to nap) then the relationship is not appropriate period, and he needs to lay down some boundaries with his “friend”.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to try talking to him about it again this weekend. We’re currently 4,000 miles apart so finding time to talk can be tricky.

I’m willing to tell my sister she can’t be their godparent unless she stops smoking. I know off a fact that I do not want my family or his family raising my child. His family is too big and they can’t afford another mouth to feed and my dad has health issues and my mom is verbally abusive.

Part of me keeps hoping his best friend will change his mind and be their godfather. Its been a while since we’d originally asked and it will be at least a year before there’s an actual child involved. He checks every box I want for the person that would care for my child.
I want someone who thinks similarly to Hubs and myself, is in a steady long term relationship and has a stable job.
However, if he still doesn’t want to then I’m almost willing to forgo giving them a godparent and just designating a guardian in my will at some point.

We both have life insurance policies. Hubs’ has a much higher pay out but we don’t pay anything for his. I have one but it’s rather small since mine is through my job and is expensive on our budget. Right now we’re set up as each other beneficiaries however it would make sense to set the pay out to go to a trust fund for the care of a child.

Thanks everyone.

I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I think he is also jumping the gun by asking her anything at this point. From what I understand (and I haven’t been around as much), you don’t have any kids yet, right? [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you start TTC tomorrow and get pregnant on the first go, that’s still close to a year to make a decision, and there are still a lot of things that can change between then and now, given that all of these potential godparents are presumably fairly young people. Maybe the best friend will be in a more stable place, or maybe your sister will have decided on her own to quit smoking. You might meet someone else who becomes a close friend and with whom you click. I would wait on asking anyone until the child is born or close to being due. People might say yes when the baby is hypothetical, but balk at the idea of raising an actual child, or vice versa.

Also, the godparents don’t HAVE to be the ones to raise the child if something happens to you, right? So if your husband is hesitant to backtrack with this friend, she would only be one godparent and there would be at least one other who you may see as more responsible, and you could specify that person or someone else as the guardian.

No kids yet. We’ve got at least a year and a half til it’s possible that there is a real baby involved.

My understanding is that they don’t have to be the ones to take you should something happen to your parents but that’s always been the case within my own experience. I’m not religious at all so I’m going off of what I’ve seen in my family and Hubs’.

Thanks Maggiefromcanada.

[name_m]Ah[/name_m], okay. We had godparents, but my parents were always clear that they would not be our legal guardians, since my brother and I had different godparents and my parents would have wanted us to stay together. My current church doesn’t do godparents anyway, so I think it varies by denominations.