Ok, so… DH and I were looking for nature-based middle names that are 1 syllable for DD2 (due in [name_u]June[/name_u]). Miraculously, we found one that we both agreed was beautiful, unique, and fit perfectly.
Problem: it is, coincidentally, my mother’s first (of 3, divorced 35+ years ago) husband’s new wife’s name.
[name_m]Factor[/name_m] #1: I don’t have a relationship with my mother. 3/4 of my siblings have been in counseling because of her. We text on holidays and birthdays, but no pleasantries or actual conversations have occurred between us in nearly 3 years. She’s a generally unkind human. But thankfully she’s in another state, so we don’t see her very often.
[name_m]Factor[/name_m] #2: my mother’s ex-husband’s new wife (“new” is relative, they’ve been married for 25+ years) IS WONDERFUL. She is a kind, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, fun human.
So while it’s not a legit “honor name”, our association with the name is very positive… EXCEPT for the fact that it’ll cause some amount of drama with my mother (who I don’t see or talk to, remember).
Should I risk the drama for a name we love?
Or is the drama not worth it?
Thoughts??
Hmm- this is tough. My instinct is if the name is going to be associated with any negativity, I’d avoid it. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though the name is not meant to honor someone, if someone in your family has that name already I think people will just assume there is a connection.
I’d totally go for it. I think it’s none of her business what you name your daughter. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it was, in fact, a proper honor name, I don’t think there would be any real good reason for your mother to start drama. As you said you don’t really have a relationship with her so she certainly shouldn’t take it that personally.
Also, as you said, she is away so it wouldn’t be a thing you’d really have to deal with. It is also only a middle name and if you like it and it is the one you want to use, go for it!
My mom, my sister, and myself all agree that you should use the name anyway. It’s not done with any ill intent toward your mother and she should be able to understand that. This just happened to be a name that you and your husband both loved and it also happens to be the name of someone you have respect for! Shouldn’t be any hard feelings about it
I’d do it. You have next to no relationship with your mother, there will be no love loss for you if she is bothered by it. And since you don’t see each other it should be easy enough to ignore some angry texts.
If that’s honestly something she would try and start drama over I can see why you’re estranged.
I agree with the others, especially as it is only a middle name. Since you have practically no connection with her, it shouldn’t really come up as a problem, and if it does, then if you are only getting texts/calls on holidays and birthdays, you can refuse to have them if she makes a fuss.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Megs, I have to respectfully disagree with most of the other posters.
If I were in your shoes I would not use the middle name because I would not want to introduce new drama. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if it is a gorgeous name it just wouldn’t be worth it to me.
I also would only want positivity associated with my new baby’s name just in case she ever learned of the drama when she’s older and it upset her. (Ex. What if somehow she develops a relationship with your mom/ her grand mother, and then your mom said something that upsets her).
As a fellow adult kid of divorce/multiple remarriages I get it… it stinks (vast understatement!), it’s beyond annoying to make concessions because of your parents decision/mistakes…
As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve realized that I’M happier when I avoid the dysfunction and drama… The family I’ve created with my husband and child is happier and healthier when I don’t get caught up if trickle down drama from my parents divorce and/or new wife/husband of the moment. So if you decide not to use the name I would do it for you and your daughter… to keep things simple and drama free from the start, not for your mom/to protect her feelings.
I can appreciate you wanting to avoid drama. I realize this wasn’t intended to be an honor name, but now that’s it out there, is the name more special to you because of this woman? If so, then it has evolved into an honor name. You can’t control your mother’s reaction. She may feel that because she is biologically related, she is entitled to an honor more than this woman. She is entitled to that view, but reality is we can honor who we please. As far as drama, I think I would inform siblings that I do have a relationship with so they aren’t completely caught off guard, but beyond that I think there will only be drama if you feed in to it. Calmly tell your mother that she doesn’t get to make negative comments on the name and move on. I wouldn’t waste the energy validating my choice. Best of luck
Congratulations! I say that you should definitely go for it. It’s so difficult to find a name you genuinely love, and since you are in infrequent contact with your mother, I think it’s worth the risk. If she attempted to start drama over it, she’d be being absolutely ridiculous, and I’d hate to see her cruelty get in the way of using a name that you love.
It sounds like the relationship is so far removed, and none of the loved ones who care would be bitter about it.
If you love it, go for it!
They’ll learn to love the name as your child’s.
I totally understand your dilemma. My little girl’s middle name is J0seph1ne and when I asked my mother if she liked the name, she screwed up her face and went on a huge rant about why I would call the baby after my estranged father. I eventually worked out that his middle name is J0seph, which is something tbh I barely even knew, and certainly not the reason I gave the name to my daughter - she’s named after [name_u]Jo[/name_u] [name_u]March[/name_u] from [name_m]Little[/name_m] Women!
The difference is that although my mother is mad, we do actually have a relationship. But it didn’t make me change my daughter’s name, I love it and it’s meaningful to me regardless of any family associations. If you barely have a relationship with your mother, then you don’t even need to tell her the baby’s middle name if you don’t want to.
Congratulations on baby and on finding the perfect name.
I can tell you that your mother will be hurt by the preceived slight. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if she were gracious about it, she will be hurt. Your stepmother is probably the absolute last person that she would want her grandchild named after. (Mom will see this as an honor name and possibly an attempt to get even with her for not being the kind of mother that you want.)
To pull this off with the least amount of upset, I would contact my siblings now to let them know your plans for baby’s middle name. Tell them that you need their support. Tell them when mom contacts them about this that you would simply like them to respond: Mom, I know that you are hurt by this, but that was not the intention. I am sorry that you are upset. I plan to support sis by not discussing this further.
To manage the drama, I think you and your husband need to have a conversation with your mom immediately. She should be told your baby’s middle name and let her know that you did not intend to hurt her. Let her know that the decision is not up for discussion and that you will not be a party to any drama. Be firm and calm in your conversation. Keep the conversation short and respectful. If she gets upset, tell her that you are sorry that she cannot share in your joy and promptly end the conversation.
Having the conversation now, will allow your mother to heal from this perceived embarrassment and will give everyone a chance to put this behind them before baby is born. Telling her early is your best chance for a happy homecoming.
I think you should consider one more thing. The impact on your daughter. Your mother may mellow/grow with time and try to have better relationships with her grandchildren. She may not have the capacity to treat your daughter without some resentment. Are your husband’s parents excellent grandparents - enough to make up for only having one set? (Mine were!) It would be awful if your daughter felt that grandma didn’t love her in the same way she loved her other grandchildren. You just need to consider the best way to manage your daughter’s self esteem.
If you decide to consider other name choices, could you drop or add a letter to make it a different name with the same sound? Or a name that rhymes with stepmom’s? Examples: [name_f]Bella[/name_f] to [name_f]Ella[/name_f], [name_f]Laura[/name_f] to [name_f]Nora[/name_f], [name_u]Lee[/name_u] to [name_f]Bea[/name_f].
I hope you are able to use your perfect name with as little drama as possible. Good luck!
Its not like it’s a first name so I’d say use it. It’s a name you and your partner obviously love and although it isn’t really an honour name it’s nice to have a good association.
It’s none of your mother’s business what you name your child, especially if you rarely speak to, let alone see her. If she is annoyed that’s her problem.
