Based on the information you’ve given us, I think you should definitely go ahead and use it.
However, I think you should consider a few factors in deciding whether or not you (or someone you delegate the task to) discuss it with your mom:
Considering it’s a middle name, will your mom even necessarily find out about it? Depending on your relationship maybe you could just skip sending her a birth announcement. If you text her an informal announcement, just give the first name or first and last. Ask your siblings to avoid giving the middle name. If it ever comes up, you could either play it like you just forgot to tell her the middle name originally, or come clean at that time and tell her you omitted it because you didn’t want to upset her.
In general, consider whether your mom is the type who would stew over it and create more drama if she knew about it before vs if she found out after the kid is already born and the name is already official (and legal)
Depending on what the name is, consider whether you think your mom will even make the connection to the other woman’s name. For example, if it’s [name_f]Rose[/name_f], she probably won’t, and even if she does you could very easily blow it off by saying it’s a common enough name that you didn’t even think of the other woman when naming your kid. If it’s something more unique though that probably won’t work ”. Or you could tell her it’s meant to be a spin on an honor name of someone she would be cool with you honoring (like if it’s [name_f]Raine[/name_f], tell her it’s meant to be a modern spin on your Great Aunt [name_f]Regina[/name_f]’s name, and you didn’t even think of the fact that it also happens to be the name of the other woman).
Normally I’m not a big proponent of fibbing, but I see the above approaches more like white lies for the sake of trying to avoid hurt feelings and keep the drama to a minimum.
Honestly, I probably wouldn’t use it. I don’t know how long you’ve looked for middle names, how unique the name is, or how important having a one syllable nature name is (there aren’t that many, so it’s not a particularly easy pattern to follow) but to me, avoiding unnecessary family drama is extremely important to my mental health.
Actually, I loved Rosemary, but because of some very sensitive history in my husband’s family connected to the name Rose, he vetoed it. I was NOT happy about it. There’s a very good chance my daughter would have been Rosemary (seriously, it was Top 2 for a while), but now, my daughter’s name is perfect for her, and we sidestepped a potentially serious fight with a very grudge-holding side of the family. And honestly, I had forgotten about it until I read this post, that’s how little it mattered in the long run.
I think in some cases, it would be best to use what you love–say, if you DID want to honor your father, but your mother would be nasty, I still think the joy you’d get from using his name would trump the bitterness and you could overlook it. But with something as inconsequential as a middle name which you do NOT intend to be an honor name, I’d search for another one that fits. I don’t think fibbing or trying to hide the name will work for too long, especially if you’re mother is as bad as you imply. She seems like the kind of person who would suss out those kinds of things eventually.
This is just what would do, but really, if you love the name, and are prepared to deal with your mother, then go for it.
If this person is part of your life it will be interpereted as an honor name
I see no reason why you can’t use an honor name for this person
But as a middle you honestly never have to even tell your mother
You can brush it off like oh I guess it is her name too lol… But also it’s a word and we were just thinking that really.
Or if you’re worried… Keep looking cause maybe it bothers you enough?
If she is the type of person to have issues with this I’m sorry, try not to stress too much.
In the end it’s your child’s name and no one else’s business so as long as you feel good about it it’s ok.
Than you so much for this reply.
I’ve actually spent the last couple weeks mulling this over and your suggestion of heading it off beforehand if an excellent suggestion that I will definitely do.
To clear up the relation, I am the product of my mother’s 2nd marriage. The woman with the shared name is the wife of my mother’s 1st husband, whom I’ve never even lived in the same state as him. Though, I am close with my older (half)siblings (it is their step mom), so I do see this woman more often than I see my own mother. So the name is not “my” stepmom’s name… If that makes sense?
Either way - I agree that tarnishing the birth will really upset me, so I will have the tough conversation ahead of time. Thank you for the input!
Thank you all so much for your input and suggestions! I so appreciate your kindness and support and honesty (even if it took me a few weeks to process everything).
Honestly, I’m still very torn and have no idea if I’ll succumb to my mother’s drama or if I’ll concede and forfeit the name I love. If I do use it, I’ll tell her beforehand so she can be mad before [name_u]Baby[/name_u] arrives.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] thought I’d follow up on this, though I’m sure no one really cares all that much…
I took @pamjsg99 's advice and talked to my older (half)siblings (it’s their stepmom; we share the same crazy mom) today about the name.
They were both incredible and so supportive and agreed with many of you that I should absolutely use the name we love, and not kowtow to a woman (our mother) who has been nothing but toxic and harmful. They think addressing it with get beforehand and even making a big deal about it is unnecessary, and they both agreed they would support me and wouldn’t engage in our mom’s drama of it happens.
So… Basically, I got a ton of great family support in favor of using the middle name, which is [name_u]Wren[/name_u], btw.
Late to the party, but I wanted to say I’m really glad that you got so much support from your siblings, & as you can see from my signature [name_u]Wren[/name_u] is one of my favorite names. Best wishes!
Thank you again, everyone!!!