Waiting?

Parentberries
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Me and my boyfriend have been discussing TTC, and I’m just really… unsure of how I feel right now. My biggest question would be: how do you comfort yourself / accept waiting to have a baby? At first, my bf seemed really interested in TTC since things didn’t work out… even though it was unexpected. Now he’s been bringing up waiting. And I can see exactly where he’s coming from. We make enough to get by, but he says maybe we should wait a bit longer so we can have enough to enjoy spending on the little things you don’t really need but are fun to have. Also since we’re both still pretty young, that maybe we should wait a little bit longer. I know he really wants to be a dad, he’s told me before. But he’s being logical. I mainly don’t want to have a baby before he feels ready, seeing as we’d both be happiest if this was a mutual agreement of being ready. He told me a while back “[name]Even[/name] though I’d rather wait to have a baby, I’d still be happy if you were pregnant earlier” and he was. I just feel like since I grew up happily struggling, it wouldn’t bother me personally. I’d make due with finances and enjoy the little blessing! And there’s no big goals I’ve got… I asked him if he had any, and he didn’t. Though he wanted to think a little more about it… which we do have to get any big goals accomplished before baby otherwise it wouldn’t be so easy to do.

However, I just feel so ready. I’ve been desiring to be a mum since I was really young, though back then I knew it just wasn’t an option to me until I was at least 18. Now that I’ve gotten that far, and I have a job with semi decent pay, and a boyfriend whom I’ve got and always had a very stable relationship with, who has an amazing paycheck, and etc, I just feel like its time. I don’t want to try and talk him into this or anything. I know when he feels ready he’ll approach me and say so. But I just know that I personally feel so ready. I’ve been reading a bunch of reviews on items, even bought some smaller items to store away for the future. And seeing as this has always felt like my calling in life… I want to pursue it. Plus, I am always passing pregnant ladies or mothers, and it absolutely breaks my heart when they talk about how much they regret their precious little baby when I would kill to be in that position :’(

All in all, how many of you other momberries / future momberries had to or have been waiting to have a child? [name]How[/name] do you comfort yourself in the idea of having to wait? I know my bf said that the wait would be 6-12 months, which isn’t that long in all actuality, but it definitely feels like ages. And it almost makes me feel crazy, especially when I know things could be better in just waiting!! Is there any advice you have? I’m thinking of learning how to knit, so I can make some clothing lol. But we’ll see! I’d love to hear your advice or personal experiences though.

Thanks so much! :slight_smile:

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If you read any posts that I’ve made in momberry forums, you’d know that I understand how you feel! I have been wanting children my whole life too, and now that it’s 12 months away, it feels like an eternity too! But you seem so young still. The only people that I know who were truly happy with babies at that age (or at any age for that matter) were married. I understand that I may rattle a few cages by saying this, and I truly respect all mothers who come from every circumstance, but from what I have seen and experienced, I feel that when you are mature enough to get married and commit to that special person, the commitment of having a baby will be easier to handle, together. That’s my first and biggest piece of advice. And you dont need to have an expensive wedding like the bridezillas.

Aside from that, as hard as it is to wait, I am glad that I am waiting until my husband is ready. I know he would be happy if I got pregnant earlier, but he has been so proud of the preparations I am taking to be a mom, working with kids, learning skills, working to save money, etc. There are so many things you can do in the meantime to prepare yourself until both of you are ready, and feel free to message if you want to vent about baby fever in the meantime!! Nameberry is very therapeutic, but I made the mistake of picking names before asking DH, whoops! Just make a list of names and name combos you like but keep an open mind. Best of luck in your decision!

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Waiting another two months… I remember at first it seemed like it would take [name]FOREVER[/name]. I track my cycle and other than coming here sometimes I really just keep busy with life. I work FT, go to the gym lots, enjoy simple pleasures I can without kids while I still can, I also train my dogs in two diff sports a few days a week.

Everyone is so concerned about waiting when they should be focusing on living. Then waiting isn’t really waiting, it’s just called life.

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That is so true. Sometimes I spend so much of my energy waiting that I forget I already have something that I was previously waiting for.

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amenspanglish, 12 months does seem like an eternity! I am still fairly young, but I am mature. And I do see exactly what you mean about the marriage stuff and all. I am not sure about marriage right now, only because to me marriage just feels like a piece of paper. If I were to get married, it wouldn’t really be a ceremony, just a signing papers and all to make things legal. But me and my bf know a few families from church who have families like that. The mom and dad raised their children without ever getting married, and it worked well for them! Of course it doesn’t work well for all [and neither does marriage always work well on that matter]. But I can definitely see your point… cause if something were to be holding us back from making the big step of a legal binding together, then thinking twice about babies would definitely be a good idea!
I totally agree with that! I know my bf would be at his happiest if I wait, even if he would be happy if not. And I think we’ll both be proud of everything done to prepare for it. I’ve been working in the nursery of my church since I was around 9, and babysitting since I was 11. And I’ve had a job since I was 14 and saving up. And stuff like that. I just may take you up on that offer sometime! :slight_smile: Honestly, Nameberry has been so helpful for me since I joined!!! Hehe, I already have a name list together. I have a My List and an Our List lol. But we are both very open minded to each other, so though it was difficult to not have all of my favorites on Our List, I have others I adore on it <3

tinabina, thats so true! </3 Though sometimes its really hard, its better to focus on the now rather than the later. Because how things are now are good as well, and I should live in the moment. I do work 30 hours a week about, and am considering taking up another job. But there is a lot of down time in work it seems, where I am just cleaning or doing simple tasks that let my mind wander. I suppose there is just few things that I personally want to do much that I couldn’t do with kids. I don’t tend to leave the house for fun or anything, I go to work and the grocery store and occasionally to the bookstore or anything, but I enjoy being at home with loved ones most. I have been cleaning the house up a lot lately, I find it therapeutic most of the time. But again, its one of those things that let my mind wander. I did start reading a really great book my mom recommended me, and thats been helping.

Thank you both so much!!! :slight_smile:

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Waiting is hard. I feel selfish saying it, as I’m already blessed with two children, but waiting till next year to TTC another feels like a lifetime. However, I was in this position myself, with our youngest. Between my cycle returning to normal after coming off the pill, and actual TTC, it took over 12 months to conceive her.

I suggest you throw yourself into all things baby to pass the time. [name]How[/name] about growing some vegetables in your garden, if you have one available to you? Before you know it, you’ll have a baby on solids and those grown-with-love veggies especially for your baby will come in handy!

[name]How[/name] about knitting some gender neutral coloured blankets? Or researching what type of parent you’ll be?

I know it feels like forever but it’ll go by fast. Good luck!

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I completely understand your desire to have a child. Your experience and love for kids is evident and that’s great. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in planning and wanting – and understanding if it’s the right time.

Again, I’m very sorry to hear of your recent loss. My sympathies to you and your boyfriend. I know what you are going through. We’ve had three losses ourselves, including a girl at 16 weeks in [name]December[/name]. Grief presents itself differently for everyone. I’m in no way patroinizing you or telling you it’s wrong to want a child, but I think you have to acknowledge that some of your wanting might be driven by grieving still. I know it’s a really sensitive subject. I think if your doctor gives you the go-ahead and you’ve both thoroughly discussed the topic (it sounds like you haven’t completely come to a conclusing together – and you even say he prefers to wait. it needs to be a joint decision.) then go for it! As I said in another post… there will never be a “perfect” time to have a child. You can always be waiting for that one time or getting past one more thing, etc…and the circumstances just build and build. If you are both ready, go for it. However, if one of your driving factors for wanting a baby is “we’d be ok if we did happen to get pregnant again” – honestly that does not sound that confident to me. [name]Just[/name] because something would be ok doesn’t mean it’s the right decision. It’s really a personal call and I can’t offer too much more. I am a rambler so I hope something made sense!

I can understand/appreciate you saying marriage is just a piece of paper, but I am going to play Devil’s Advocate. (this is coming from someone who unexpectedly got pregnant at 18 - I was in a committed relationship, BF and I (now my DH) were discussing getting engaged before I found out I was pregnant…so we were in it for the long run, but babies change things. [name]Trust[/name] me. We didn’t get married until she was 2 and the first years of her life were some of our hardest).

If it is just a piece of paper and you think nothing will change, what is the “harm” in getting the piece of paper then? To me, marriage is more than a committment- it’s a covenant…a promise. We took two years to get married-- we were living together and kinda in your court of feeling it was just a piece of paper. But you know what? That was just an excuse for us. It was a way to get around the true committment and responsibility that comes with a true/honest marriage. The stress of having a baby really drove a wedge between us and since we had no real ties…we started looking elsewhere. “At least we’re not married. that would make it more messy.” [name]How[/name] sad is that? We had only the best intentions of staying together but it was very hard. We needed to seek out some spiritual counselors/mentors and really work on things. Those mentors and finally our vows have kept us going now.

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Crunchymama, I just want to say thanks for saying that, because as a married gal who hasnt gone through that myself, I felt bad mentioning those kinds of examples. [name]One[/name] of my old best friends is going through that patch that you are talking about, and it’s really sad because they’re separated now. Her daughter is 3. I’m glad that you made it through! And that you mentioned that it’s a promise and a covenant. My real reasons for being married are much deeper than what I said, and I am more grateful for it every day.

So thanks caracakes for understanding my point! And you seriously can message me anytime! But also, dont be afraid to continue to confide in your bf as you have. I’m sure he will tell you how proud he is of you for your patience and all of the preparations you are making. Good luck!

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Thank you ladies so very much for all of this!!! Its honestly helping me so much! <3

lucykate, its not selfish at all! :slight_smile: And I wish you much luck in TTC! <3 But I think maybe I can try that! Well, I don’t really have my own yard to use, but my mother is into gardening, and I bet she wouldn’t mind me joining in on it! Me and her aren’t very close, but I bet even a little thing like that not only might pass time and be a fun occupation, it could bring us closer. I can have potted plants though, and I do have a little spider plant and an aloe cactus. [the type of plants that are so low maintenance you’d really have to try to kill them!]. Maybe I should try for a harder plant, maybe. And gardening for home made veggies for my future baby would be awesome!! Love the idea!
I definitely think I’m going to try to learn how to knit! Thats another thing my mother does, actually. How random? But I’d love to be able to knit my baby some booties, then maybe a sweater! Or a hat!! <3 Though a blanket would probably be an easier start. And I’ll go look up some fun quizzes like that! <3 I do wonder what kind of parent I’ll be, hehe!

crunchymama, thank you <3 I’m so sorry about your losses!!! <3 To be completely honest, that may be a great part of the reason I want another one so badly. Of course I think most of it is the same yearning I had before, but I will admit hat a great deal of of it is that </3 When I was talking to my doctor, he was saying he can’t see why I couldn’t try again when I felt ready. We have come to an agreement, that we’d wait. The main reason for this topic was for me to find peace with the decision I made <3 Because I understand what my bf was saying, and I think he’s right that we should wait. It just really hurts to have to wait, you know? But I heard someone tell me that one time, that there’s never a perfect time to have a child. Because you can lose everything in the blink of an eye, but you can also win the lottery in the same time frame. I think if we were to have a baby right now, we would have to work at finances. But I’d be thrilled, and every moment of working would be 110% worth it! Our situation could be better, but then again, anyones situation could be better really. I know a part of the reason I agreed to waiting is because I do need a bit more time to grieve. Along with the rest of the reasons he mentioned <3
I totally see where everything you said is coming from! If it is just a piece of paper, then it wont make a big difference for me to do so rather than just not. I’ll have to ask him how he feels about it. I know I personally have a commitment to him, and through thick and thin I will stay with him and learn to compromise and work through things together. Though, in all the years we’ve known each other we’ve never once had a real problem. We never really “fight” about anything… its a “Hey, this kind of upset me because of this reason. And it made me feel like this.” “Oh, I’m sorry. In doing that I didn’t intend of making you feel that way. I’ll not do that again”. Not to say we’ve never had a big situation between us, but we always make sure we never go to bed angry at each other. Lol I’m rambling, sorry! But back on subject, my bf promised me forever and made a commitment to me as well. So I guess we might as well get a legal binding. But again, I’ll have to talk to him about it.
I can only imagine how much a baby would change how me and my bf are currently. And getting married before might change things a lot for the better. Though sometimes, it already feels as if we are married on how things have been going.

amenspanglish, I know he is proud of me :slight_smile: He tells me so all the time! And I’m definitely not afraid to confide in him, he’s always been there for me through all of my baby fevers, or anything else I’m going through hehe!

Again, thank you very much!! <3

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I’m glad we could help! Best of luck in everything!