I’ve overcome many hurdles emotionally about TTC #2. But now that it’s game time, I’m REALLY nervous.
My first was an EXTREMELY high maintenance newborn. He still is very needy (he just turned one) but manageable, and I love the toddler years. But those first 6 months- wow. He screamed 24/7. We were at the dr or on the phone with the dr every few days, because I thought something MUST be wrong with him. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even go to the bathroom! He wanted to be held while he slept. He slept in bed with us at night (still does). When he was awake he was crying. He hated carriers of all sorts. He had colic and screamed from 4pm-12 pm until he was three months old. I had horrible PPA and cried multiple times a day for the first few months. I didn’t even consider the fact that I could get PPD or PPA, so the fact that it took me by surprise was rough. I was worrrried about something happening to him. I was worried about my abilities to be a mother. The sleeplessness made it 100 times worse- I was NOT used to no sleep and I’m not a happy person when I’m tired.
In short- it was hard. And not a happy time. I love my son, but I did not like this first few months one bit. After he was about 3 months old, and I was coming out of the fog, I started to want another. Before that, I was positive I only wanted 1. But I quickly became baby crazed again. But now that the time is here when we decided to TTC, I am a nervous wreck again that I’m going to have to relive those first few months, but this time with a high maintenance toddler!
I’m worried my son will hate the baby and it will ruin his life. I’m worried I won’t have enough love to go around. I’m worried about PPA again, and if it’ll be even worse this time. I’m worried about how I will eat, pee, sleep, etc. with 2 if I couldn’t even do it with 1! I thin mainly I’m worried of the unknown. I wish I could just do a practice run to make sure I can do it! Our friends have a one month old and are coming on [name_m]Saturday[/name_m] to hang out. I’m hoping that’ll calm my nerves, to see a newborn in the house and picture how it’ll be.
Well, babies all are different, and there’s a good chance your baby won’t be as colicky or difficult as your son was. I think generally second babies are a bit more easygoing than the first as they have to learn to be patient/self soothe when you’re caring for a toddler, but not always.
If I were you I would try to be comfortable with the thought of a baby as difficult as your son before the new one comes. Did you recieve medical help (counseling, medication) for your PPA? Can you prepare for that a second time? I would pre emptively speak to a counselor or your midwife/ob gyn about concerns, so you feel less anxious about its effects on your son or dreading it.
Do you have a support system? Family around to help? Can your husband take paternity leave or FMLA time (if you’re in the US) to help out? Is he understanding/supportive of your concerns? Is it possible for you to hire a nanny, babysitter, or even a young mother’s helper a few afternoons a week to help you? Are you a member of any mom’s groups or support groups?
I am also expecting my second with my toddler and am very nervous, but trying to put a plan in place. Work with your son on self-play and entertaining himself now, so he isn’t used to undivided attention and then shocked when the baby comes and he’s asked to play by himself for a few minutes.
ETA: you said you were miserable for 3 months the first time…while that drags on forever when you’re experiencing it, it’s not a very big portion of your life. If things do get bad again, just remind yourself that sticking it out was worth it with your first and the hard times will pass soon.
The first go round, my husband took FMLA for almost an entire month (family helped contribute so we could pay our bills that month). The plan was only a week or two, but with my emotions tje way they were he took off that extra time. Now he works for a super small company that doesn’t offer it, but I think they will understand if he tells them as soon as we find out I’m pregnant that he will need 2 weeks off when the baby comes. I’m hoping I can have my mom comes AFTER my husband goes back to work, for 1 week. She lives about a 2 hour plane ride away, which isn’t bad.That will be a good transition. Then after that, I will likely have my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] come over a few mornings a week. So that’s a month or more of help. Last time I was afraid to ask for the help. There was another new mom that I was acquaintances with and I knew she didn’t need the help, so I felt like I shouldn’t either. This time I will be taking all the help I can get!
My OB perscrived meds last time, but I was too afraid of the side affects to take them. This time i will try them if It goes down the same path. I’m also trying to find a therapist beforehand to get acquainted with, just in case!
I think my issue right now is that I am trying to over plan everything. I actually just talked to my husband about this (he is a fabulous support, but typical man, he doesn’t see anything is wrong unless I bring it up bluntly). My son was unplanned and it was hard. I had a little identity crisis after finding out I was pregnant. I didn’t plan for or even have an inkling that I could get PPA, and that took me by surprise. So I think I’m trying to over compensate by making sure I’m prepared for every little aspect of everything, which is simply impossible and driving me mad.
It sounds like you’re in another place this time around and will feel much better.
You say your husband’s company doesn’t offer FMLA time, but as long as he’s worked for the company a year when the baby is born, it is federal law they allow him to take that time.
Oh wow babylove14, I could just about have written your post… all I can really say is that we made it through once, we can do it again… surely!! I’ve also managed to freak myself out about all the many, many, things that can go wrong with TTC/pregnancy/childbirth… not helpful!
[name_m]Just[/name_m] think about all that great parenting experience you have under your belt, forewarned is forearmed right??!
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] for the best, prepare for the worst. I find lists are helpful for this kind of thing. Like, “If I have PPD again, I will _____ (take the medication/get help sooner bc I will recognize the signs/etc)” or “If this baby is colicky and high maintenance like [name_u]Jem[/name_u], I will _____(hire a helper/ask church ladies for help/go stay with my mom/etc)” Go through every fear and difficulty and think about how you will solve it or endure it this time.
At the same time, don’t spend your TTC and pregnancy time living in fear and dread. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] for the best. This baby will probably be the archetypal easy second baby. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if he’s not, you obviously adore [name_u]Jem[/name_u], so it will all be worth it in the end.
[name_m]Even[/name_m] if this next time is an exact repeat of last time, you’ll be fine. You aren’t the same person you were when you had [name_u]Jem[/name_u]. You know that PPD is a possibility. You know how to ask for help now. And this time, you know it is temporary. You have perspective now.
@babylove, it’s good that you are taking all of this into consideration; I can tell you are being very careful and thoughtful in your decision to have another baby! I was a TERRIBLE baby, according to my parents. Like others have said, every baby is different. I know I was a terrible baby but my brother was an awesome sleeper, eater, etc according to my parents. You never really know what you’re going to get, so while I can’t tell you that you WON’T have another colicky, fussy baby, I also can’t tell you that you [name_m]WILL[/name_m] have one.
I was fortunate enough not to experience PPA, so I can’t really speak to that. But at least you will be more aware this time around and hopefully will be able to speak to someone before baby#2 comes along to address those concerns that you have. (which if I remember correctly you may have already done).
When it comes to [name_u]Jem[/name_u] and a new baby, almost every one I know has a sibling and no one has ever told me that their lives were ruined by it. I’m sure it will be an adjustment, just like any change will be for a one-year-old. But siblings are a good thing; confidants, friends, partners in crime. NOT life ruiners. Honestly, [name_u]Jem[/name_u] will be so young when the baby is born that in a few years he will probably forget he ever was an only child.
The bottom line is this: You make it work. My mother-in-law has severe depression and OCD and had 5 children in 7 years. Everyone is different and remember, it takes a village so you aren’t in this alone. Stay positive and don’t fret (as much as possible of course). It will be ok. You can do this!
I could have written your post too, and #2 is due this summer so my nerves are through the roof.
My daughter was a decent night sleeper, but colic, reflux, I had PPD, PPA, and trouble BFing so I was exclusively pumping…the first several months were no joke. I feel like the one thing that’s different this time is that you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you know firsthand that it’ll get better, you are prepared for some hard months and you’re planning now how you’ll get through them. I would sit up in the middle of the night and think about being able to braid her hair when she’s older, it sounds so silly, but little things like that made me feel like I wasn’t going to be in newborn turmoil forever.
This time I know I’ll speak up sooner if I start to spiral emotionally. I’m also not going to be as afraid to take my inlaws up on their offers to help out, especially since my husband can only take a week off.
I’d just like to echo what leadmythoughts said; all babies are different, sometimes radically. [name_u]True[/name_u], the newborn stage is very tough, and newborn plus toddler is extremely challenging as well. I know I always say this but hiring someone to help you during that time is a HUGE gift to you and your husband and kids.
I’ve also managed to freak myself out about all the many, many, things that can go wrong with TTC/pregnancy/childbirth… not helpful!