I remember hearing the sirens go off, so vividly, you wouldn’t even believe it.
For me, it was a regular day in 8th grade. I was currently in 5th period (science), & our teacher – Miss Quilliams – was currently assigning homework on the periodic table of elements.
I had a double desk with my classmate, [name_f]Maeva[/name_f]. [name_f]Mae[/name_f] was somewhat talkative, but not the nicest soul. Despite knowing her since 4th grade, we weren’t really “friends”.
I remember the look of panic on her face when the teacher told everyone to go downstairs into the cafeteria, as it was the sturdiest building in the school.
Students from every grade were sitting there, head in their hands, begging for a miracle.
And then…
It hit us. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. I heard the sheer terror in the screams from everyone – [name_m]Staff[/name_m] & students alike.
Miraculously, most of us survived the initial blow. We only had 52 casualties inceptively, but almost everyone was injured, many in critical condition.
This sounds like an interesting story! Only thing, your prequel is either too specific or too vague. I feel like you should go with one or the other because when you go back and forth between descriptive and simple, it sounds like it was written by a middle schooler. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but every good story should sound sturdy and mature, not like a show-not-tell essay with a 500 word count minimum that you have to submit by [name_m]Friday[/name_m]. [name_f]My[/name_f] suggestion is to limit the amount of times you say “I do this” or “I do that.” The prequel should give general knowledge and it’ll strengthen the story if it starts in the 3rd person and then during the actual story, transitions into 3rd person. Like “Prequel: the bell rang, students were lined up in the classroom, the teacher comforted the students, walked out single file, got into the cafeteria, the blow happened. [name_u]Story[/name_u]: I remember…” I’m not sure if that made sense but hope my feedback is useful!
It’s good. Is the total death count the middle school’s death count, or the whole town’s? You could also be a bit more descriptive about the initial blast— nuclear blasts are very, very hot, so maybe mentioning the heat could make it more realistic; maybe you could also having the character recall the debris that hit them as the blast happens?
And one more thing: is the cafeteria is part of the school? As in, not a separate building? If so, I’d change it to something along the lines of "I remember the look of panic on her face when our teacher told everyone to make their way downstairs into the cafeteria, as it was the most enclosed room in the school."
ETA: Just realized how jumbly this is sorry! But hopefully it makes at least some sense.
also @halinka realistically, how far would you have to be away from the blast to survive? I currently have 31 miles but that’s probably wayyyyyyyyyy to close.
Hmm! It’s definitely an interesting concept. Some things:
this should be changed to “and our teacher, Miss Quilliams, was currently assigning homework on the periodic table of elements.” you wouldn’t use hyphens in a situation like that; you’d use commas. Also, don’t use “&” in writing, unless you’re describing a text or something that is written down.
I’m not sure what the purpose of the quotes is here, but i guess they’re fine. However, the period should be inside the quotes, like “friends.”
“Staff” shouldn’t be capitalized here, since hyphens don’t end sentences. Make “staff” lowercase.
I feel like this scene could be a little more drawn out. this is your chance to really capture your reader and put them on the edge of your seat. You want them to continue reading after finishing the introduction
this word pretty much doesn’t exist? like i found it on Merriam-Webster but it apparently refers to the beginning, and it’s a weird obscure word. If that’s what you’re going for, just say “initially” and change “the initial blow” to “the first blow”
This could also be built up more. Your last sentence should be a real punch, something that really reels in your reader. I’m assuming you mean that people died from their injuries after the first bombing, so you could say something like “Despite our efforts to keep as many people alive as possible, 342 people died in the coming days (or weeks).” or maybe “Hundreds more deaths occurred, leaving a heavy silence over us survivors. 394 - the total number of deaths. That number hung over me like a storm cloud on a cold, cold day.”
I recall the loud sirens vividly alerting the school of the impending danger.
It was a normal day for Nameberry Intermediate School. Students worked hard on their work while teachers made sure they were on task. It didn’t seem like anything could happen, but that would all change during 5th period.
[name_f]Every[/name_f] teacher got the signal and quickly shuffled their class towards the cafeteria while checking to see if anyone was left behind. It didn’t take long until everybody was crammed inside the building.
Students from every grade were sitting there, head in hands, begging for a miracle.
This is how I would write the beginning of the prequel. I was unaware you were actually in middle school. You seemed so mature I thought you were in college, sorry! I tried to format it how 8th grade [name_f]Eleanore[/name_f] would and this is the best I got. Maybe this will help you figure out some good sentences. I cut out the whole [name_f]Maeva[/name_f] part because the prequel is about the explosion, not “I was friends with this girl I sit next to at a double desk but now we aren’t really friends anymore we’re actually “friends” in parentheses and also she’s talkative and mean and I’ve known her since 4th grade and now this is becoming a depressing flashback and you know what let’s give her whole life story for good measure!” if you know what I mean. I’m not an expert on what a nuclear explosion is like so hopefully someone else is able to help with that. I try to think of other ways the improve the prequel in the meantime!
