[name]Hi[/name] Berries,
DH and I are currently TTC (see signature below) and here is my question: What did you do with your older child/children when you had your next baby? We don’t live in the same city as any of our immediate family. [name]MIL[/name] (lives 5 hours away from us) has offered to take [name]Hal[/name] with her for a week, while we get settled. My mother will likely be with us when we bring new baby home. However, I’m still not sure I want [name]Hal[/name] to miss the whole thing. He (hopefully) will be around 2 1/2 years old when we have the new baby. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. Is it better for him to be with us and experience coming to the hospital to visit me and the new baby? Then be a part of the process when we bring new baby home, or would it be better to send him away for a little while and focus on bonding with the new baby, then help him be a part of it when he gets back? So confused!! I’m looking forward to hearing what some of you have done. Thanks!
I understand your thoughts about wanting your eldest to be part of the experience when the baby is born, but I would say it depends on your birth, length of hospital stay etc. When I had my 2nd my daughter was 22 months. My mum came and stayed with my hubby and daughter while I was in hospital (which was always the plan when I went into labour). However, what I didn’t anticipate was how difficult my daughter found that time when visiting me in hospital. Being confined in a room for longer than 10 minutes for a toddler…well, was shocking! But the harder part was when she left me. Tears galore. Which made it hard for me too. I had a difficult labour with my 2nd which resulted in me staying in hospital for 7 days. My daughter thrives on routine and this big change really challenged her. [name]Remember[/name] though, she was really only a baby herself when I had my second so perhaps your eldest may find it easier. This still occurred even though my mum is one of her favourite people and we thought that would make it easier for her. So…now with planning number 3, I’m not sure what will happen. My mum will still come to stay but I think I will keep the kids in their normal routine (preschool, bed times, activities etc) and not make it all about the baby! 
[name]Hope[/name] this helps!!
I’m planning on having a home birth with our daughter present, if she wants to be. She can go elsewhere in the house if she wants or maybe someone else will take her out for a break. I’ll either have my dad or one of my friends around to look after her.
No kids, but as the eldest sibling I remember what happened when my sisters were born. Well, sort of. My grandma (who lives two hours away, so not exactly close) came and stayed when my mum was close to her due date. My dad went to the hospital with my mum once she’d gone into labour, and I don’t remember what happened the first time (I was two) but when my youngest sister was born, I remember my grandma picked me up from nursery and took me and my other sister (I was 4, she was 2) to the hospital on the bus to see the new baby. I’m not sure if that was the day she was born (she was born in the night) or the next, and then we didn’t see them until she came home, but they were only in hospital two or three days anyway. I think it was important to my mum to keep a routine for the older siblings, if they go to preschool/nursery etc keep that going, because a new baby is going to be unsettling enough. I really can’t remember how I reacted when my other sister was born, I was too young to, but I know I bonded with my youngest sister and didn’t feel left out or anything.
We’re lucky enough to have family living close to us. When I decided it was time to go to the hospital we just dropped [name]Amelie[/name] off at my in-law’s on the way. She stayed there the night [name]Daisy[/name] was born because my DH stayed at the hospital with me. [name]Amelie[/name] didn’t meet [name]Daisy[/name] until the day after she was born.
I can’t think of anything more stressful than having [name]Amelie[/name] present for labour/birth. While I was labouring at home I let the tv babysit her and tried to keep her away as much as possible. I wouldn’t want her at the actual birth, she’s too young, would almost certainly get bored and need to be kept busy, and frankly, it was all I could do to concentrate on the baby I was trying to give birth to, let alone watching my older child, making sure she wasn’t scared and keeping her entertained.
I actually wonder about this all the time. The only family I trust that lives anywhere near us is my Mom and she’s about an hour and a half away. If our financials stay the same and we are still working from home, I would imagine my Mom would come to watch [name]Rowan[/name] while I was actually in surgery/recovery (I’m a having a planned c-section next time) so my husband could be with me, but I’m not sure if I would let my mom watch her overnight or for any length of time because she is so spacey and forgetful, she worries me. I plan on going to the other local hospital that has an actual nursery so I can be by myself during recovery if necessary. The older [name]Rowan[/name] is, the less I will worry about my mom watching her. Right now she’s just so young she has to be watched every single minute, when she’s 3 or so she will be more independent and less suicidal. :rolleyes:
No kids of my own but I’m the oldest of 4 and can remember all 3 of my sibs births. It was really important to my mom that us older kids get to be there for the birth of the baby. I was 4 when my first brother was born, at home. A friend of my mom’s came over to look after me. She stayed with me during the labor and the birth. This way I could be there for my brother’s birth yet my mom didn’t have to worry about me. I was 7 and my brother was 3 when the next brother was born, at home. My gram came over to keep up with us. We actually went to sleep before the baby was born so she woke us up right before the birth so we could be there. My sister was born in the hospital when I was 11 and the boys were 7&4. We went with my parents to the hospital and one of my mom’s friends met us there. She stayed with us in the [name]Ronald[/name] MacDoneld playroom there, so the boys could play. When my mom was fully dialated and about ready to push we were called and came to the delivery room so we could see the birth. Looking back I’m really glad I got to learn about birth firsthand and be there for my siblings’ births. It worked well for my mom to have a friend or family member there to keep up with us older kids so she and my dad didn’t hafta worry about us.
I’m expecting my next birth to be similar to my first experience (knowing that it might be completely different!) Anyway, last time I was a day past my due date and they brought me in to be induced. My water broke on it’s own, I got the epidural, and less than 24 hours later we had [name]Hal[/name]. We spent 3 days in the hospital because he was running a fever and they had to give antibiotics before they would release us. We then had to take him to a pediatric dentist to have his frenulum (sp?) loosened (that is the thing that attaches your tongue to the floor of your mouth) so he could latch on to better breast feed. It was a crazy two weeks trying to recover from the birth and getting used to our ‘new normal.’ [name]Hal[/name] does go to preschool, right now, but I’m not sure if he will still be attending when we have the new baby. (Hmmmmm. Something to think about for later.) I’m just afraid that having him with us would be selfish on my part. In my mind, I have this sweet image of him coming to see us in the hospital and it being a beautiful moment I always remember, but the reality might be very different: a screaming toddler who is afraid of what is happening and then sad when he has to leave. (Thanks for pointing out that possibility Ktook76!) IDK, on the other hand, I think it would turn his world upside down to come home from a week at grandma’s house and say, “Here [name]Hal[/name]-meet your new sibling.” It is just soooo hard imagining him being 5 hours away. Thanks for sharing, especially those who pointed out the positives and negatives…very helpful!
[name]Hi[/name] Frances322…[name]Just[/name] a quick little comment on the pre school thing…I know others may disagree but this was my experience. My plan is the same for #3. If you can budget for it, keep sending [name]Hal[/name]. My two only go a couple of times a week. When I had [name]Harry[/name], knowing [name]Alice[/name] was going to preschool 2 days (which she loved I might add!) gave me a chance to breastfeed in peace, catch up on some rest, do all the chores I needed to do knowing my daughter wasn’t bored and wanting my attention! I simply explained to her that she was a big girl who goes to school and the baby is “just a baby” and when he gets big like her he will go to school too. Worked a treat! Something to think about
Oh, and I should also add, my daughter had no problems bonding with her little brother. They are the sweetest with each other (with a bit if healthy sibling rivalry thrown in! 
) So don’t get too worried about that short time in the hospital, it’s when you are home and back to normality that the reality of it all sets in. Get [name]Hal[/name] to help with little jobs, praise him about being a good big brother etc. If you are breast feeding, get him sorted before you start - eg sit him beside you, explain what you are doing, give him a book, a snack and get him happy. I was fortunate that my babies were quick feeders but if you’re tied up for an hour then you don’t want a toddler cruising around getting up to mischief or trying to get your attention when you’re feeding!
This was just my experience! My daughter hates unexpected change. Always has and still does as a nearly 4 year old! So everything was always about keeping things going smoothly and easing her into any predicted change :).
Good luck in TTC #2!
Oh and if possible, could your mum come and stay with you instead? Our house was only minutes from the hospital so even though the visits were often painful, as my mum came with my husband and my daughter she was able to distract her and get her home. Idea for you
I figure Mr A will be big enough to look after himself. Sink or swim, survival of the fittest, etc.
More seriously, we have no family within 2000 miles, but my parents-in-law will come before the birth and look after [name]Antoine[/name] (who will be 21 months old). I firmly believe hospitals are not good places for small healthy children so if we’re discharged the next day as per routine, I’ll introduce him to his baby sister at home. If for some reason I stay longer, I’d consider asking the in-laws to bring him for a very short visit, but honestly I’ll be recovering myself, the new baby will be recovering, and it’s probably just best to wait till home. I think.
We are having a homebirth and my daughter will be present. The teenage daughters of my doula will be there to be a “sibling doula” for her and to keep her occupied during the labor and then she will be there when the baby is actually born. We may even have her help Daddy cut the cord. She’s 4 and this is something she will totally be able to handle (knowing her personality). I know some people have a problem with siblings being present at birth, but this is a big event in her life, too, and I think it’s important that she be there.
I was lucky enough to only live 30 minutes from my mom when my second child was born. She and my daughter (who was 15 months) were both in the room when my son was born. I think it was a very special moment. as soon as he was born my daughter smiled and said his name.
I’m on my 4th. With my 2nd, my eldest went to stay at his grans. I wouldn’t have wanted to have him see me in labour. He saw me in the hospital after I had an appendectomy and he was really upset and scared at how out of it I was after the op. To see me making lots of weird noises and obviously in pain would really upset him.
With my 3rd, the boys were with me at home while I was in early labour which is fine as I just walk around a bit and look uncomfortable. But we had just moved to Finland and had no friends or family who could watch the boys, so we had to take them to hospital. They stayed in a family room down the hall, watching videos and playing with their toys. But my OH had to run back and forth between their room and mine and it was very stressful for us all. I didn’t like being left on my own with midwives who didn’t speak English well, out of my mind on gas and air. And the boys were only 3 and 2 so couldn’t be left for long time on their own either. Luckily I was only in labour at the hosptial for less than 2 hours, so it wasn’t too bad, but I did get really scared at one point when the monitor fell of the baby’s head and the monitor’s alarms went nuts and I couldn’t understand what was going on. Not something I’m keen to repeat.
This pregnancy I’m hoping mum will come and stay with us before the baby comes. I’ve also arranged with a friend to come and watch the 3 of them if I go into labour when my mum isn’t here. She will watch them at our house until my OH can come back which hopefully won’t be too long as I tend to have quick labours.
When I had [name]Annabelle[/name], my sister came and stayed with [name]Elizabeth[/name] at our house for the day. I had a c-section and was in hospital for 5 days. The first night [name]Elizabeth[/name] stayed with my Mum. My Mum bought [name]Elizabeth[/name] to visit us on the second day we were there. She was only there for 15 minutes (we planned it that way) and when she left my husband went home with her and spent the afternoon/evening with her. The same thing the next day. On the day I went home she slept at my Mum’s house but came home the next morning. We then just continued on like normal (well as normal as possible with a newborn who screamed 18 hours a day!). I felt like it was important for [name]Elizabeth[/name] for her to be home as we adjusted to having a new baby in the house because she had adjusting to do too. We tried to keep her night time routine as normal as possible because let’s face it adults understand what it means to bring a baby home from the hospital but a little person who has never had to share Mum and Dad has a lot more adjusting to do.
Maybe if it’s an option for you, someone could come and stay at your house with your son while you are in hospital?