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I’m sort of in the same position as you in a way, though I am only currently 22, turning 23 in [name]September[/name]. I want 4 kids, possibly 3 mine, and 1 adopted depending on how it all goes. I start school in [name]September[/name] for 3 years, and my Fiance has another 6 years of school, and he just turned 27 on [name]Monday[/name]. I don’t want any children past the age of 35 if I can help it and also want a reasonable age gap between my kids. Our plan, right now anyway, is to have the first baby when I am 26/27 (pending no issues ttcing), the second baby 4/5 years after, when I will be roughly 30/31, 3rd baby at around 33/34/35, and then we would love to adopt a little girl from [name]China[/name], which you can’t start the process for until you are 30, and you can’t be pregnant during anytime during the process either, so likely after the 3rd baby we will start that process which takes 4/7 years currently.
We will be trying for our first baby while my by then, husband will be attaining his Masters Degree, I told him that was a condition, as I’m not waiting til I am near 30 for our first child, I would honestly love to have one right now if we could, but with both of us entering/in school, it’s obviously not at all feasible. For us it’s important to have careers arranged, educations more or less completed and to be on the right path in our lives. School is harder, obviously, when you have children, and I think it’s best to wait when possible to be done school first.
To use your words, I plan to have it all, a career I love, and children I love, without sacrificing either. It’s important to me to be able to be independent should anything ever happen and to be able to make my own income that would be enough to support the 4 children I want to have, as so many unexpected things can happen in life. You need to do some deep soul searching, and decide which of your goals are most important to you. Is a career and education very important? Is it important enough to put off having kids for? Is travel and living in another country important? You can always give birth in another country by the way 
You need to find compromises between your dreams, but don’t compromise on the ones that mean the most. [name]Don[/name]'t give up children because you want a career, and don’t give up a career because you want children. Also keep in mind, many many women have healthy pregnancies after age 40, even accidentally! (So there could be no fertility problems!) And it’s also important to remember that one day your 2/3/4 kids will grow up and leave the nest, and you’ll still have several working years ahead of you, do you want to go back to a job you hate? Or continue in a career you love? You need to pick the path that will leave you with the fewest regrets, and that may take a few years for you to find, but don’t rush your decisions, that’s how mistakes are made. Take your time, think it over, you really can have it all.
[name]Laura[/name]!
We haven’t chatted in so long! [name]Feel[/name] free to IM me about this. I’ve started a few IMs to you in the past few months, but I wasn’t sure what to write I mostly wanted to tell you I was sorry I never replied to your message about baby names that you sent me several months ago… I know you probably forgot all about it, but I always felt very rude! You said I was one of your favorite berries in it and then I went and ignored ya! It was just a really bad time for us. Sorry.
My first thought/gut feeling about this…and like I said if you want to talk about it privately we can or I might pop back here once I think about it more. So here is my thought. Have you explored other career or job options that would allow you to work with children that don’t require a degree? Perhaps an assistant teacher, daycare provider (private home or an organized facility), part-time nanny, or just volunteer with the kids program at a local park or church? Or could you take the classes at a slower pace knowing that you are doing it while planning/raising a family? The other thing that jumped out to me was the plans to travel to Austrailia. I think if your ultimate goal is to move there, you would make the travel/work visa a priority…which to me sounds like it would be in the next year or two once your BF is done with training.
I definitely think women are cursed, but also blessed with this decision. They are burdened by the choices they have to make, but they CAN have it all. I think the way they can have it all is usually in a situation like you posed above…perhaps compromising in each side of things (less children, or same # of children, but a smaller home/less prestigious neighborhood, part time work instead of full, longer time to finish studies, etc.) Nothing is right or wrong and I admire all moms for their choices because I know they are NOT easy.
I must admit I started skimming thru at the end so maybe I missed this part…
I think you should follow your career dream and start ttc at 30 or so and have as many kids as come to you and adopt/foster if you have trouble conceiving or feel past your prime baby having years. But having 4 between ages 30-40 isn’t that crazy.
I can only tell you what I did, but maybe it will help. I didn’t start TTC till I was 25. I have fertility problems from PCOS, so it took us 14 months (and lots of money) to get pregnant with my son. He is about to be two and we have been trying since he was under a year old. I have only been taking Clomid the last two months, but it isn’t working right now either. I will be 30 in [name]October[/name]. My plan was always to be done having kids by the time I was 30, and now I will be lucky to even get pregnant by then. You may have no fertility problems at all, but age certainly plays a role. You could look into seeing a fertility specialist and having some tests run on you and your partner to see if there are any obvious problems, but things can always change. You also have to think about the fact that the older you get the more dangerous a pregnancy is for you, and the more likely the baby will have genetic problems. The health of chromosomes deteriorates with age. There are a number of genetic disorders that have been linked to the age of the parents when the child was conceived. All of these things are just maybes, but still something to consider. I guess my advice would be to imagine you are 75 and retired. Looking back on your life, what will you be happiest about. Your career or your family. Some careers can be very fulfilling, and you can do a lot of good working with kids, but you can do a lot of good working with your kids too. It’s not an easy choice. I am a SAHM for now, and I plan to stay that way till my kids are in school. Childhood is so short, I can’t imagine missing any of it. Good luck, and remember, even if you start your schooling, if you decide it’s time to have children, it is ok to quit. You don’t have to lock yourself into a life decision. You may lose some money, but you’ll forget that money when you look at your baby 
I have the greatest job and most worthwhile career there is-I am my children’s mother. I spend my days raising my two beautiful daughters and hope for more children. I wouldn’t trade motherhood for any paying career nor would I give up these short years of my children’s lives just to bring in a few more dollars. We are poor financially but rich in what matters. As a pp suggested, imagine yourself as an old woman looking back on her life and remembering the things that made you happy. For me that will be the times with my children and grandchildren and times from my childhood with my family-the key theme being family. To be fair I never wanted a “career” and “prestige”, I wanted a family-husband, pack of kids, a dog or two, and that’s what I happily have. Well, only two kids and a whole pack of pets but I do have fertility issues. Six pregnancies in six years but only two sticky babies. I’m very glad we did not wait to start our family, instead we started trying a few months after the wedding. My husband was a diesel mechanic and now he is a bus driver at one of the LOWEST paying transit companies in the COUNTRY. If you feel you need the career then go to school, get your degree. If you feel you just want to be a mom, at home with her kids, career be damned, go for it. Kids need love, not money.
Edited to add that I read through a lot of your post but not all of it so I may have missed something. I’m just answering the “prestigious money-making” career versus the “decidedly not prestigious money-draining” career of motherhood question.
hy,
Smoothing/patterning with paper towels 70-646 should also be included. I count that as one of the most valuable tips I ever picked up on. It would also be great to have some sort of standard chart 70-642 for flavor mixing. Like what and how much to add to get certain flavors. I wonder if there is already one out there somewhere on the web. I’ve never thought to look but I’d love to ulcer treatment have a chart like that.
We faced a similar choice between children and a career a year ago. At the ages of 28 (me) and 27 (my husband) we had just moved overseas to study for career changes and things fell into place for us to start trying for a baby. I think we shocked a few people, and perhaps particularly our parents, but we decided that there was no perfect time to start trying but graduate school was the best time for us to TTC. This was because I would be able to take a break from my studies to be home with the baby for a semester or longer and perhaps take some online classes in the evening or during the baby’s naps. We figured that if you miss a lecture you don’t get fired like you might if you had to miss a shift at work, and the hours of being a student can often be more flexible than normal work hours. We planned for my husband to continue full time in school so that he could finish and start work as soon as possible. (This may seem a bit sexist- woman stays home and man continues his studies/work- but it made the most sense in our case as I already had a graduate degree while my husband did not, so having him finish was more important as far as having flexibility of income later.) We had definitely saved up and knew that this would be dipping into our savings considerably, but we thought it was worth it because we would be able to spend more time with the baby rather than competing with the demands of a full time job.
So that was the plan.
We started TTC in [name]September[/name], got pregnant in [name]November[/name], found out it was twins in February… and then reworked our plan. I would stay home a year instead and then pick back up with my in-school course work where I left off, but with the next year’s students. My husband would finish his degree and look for work. We actually got really lucky and he got employed with a company before he finished his masters thesis. This means we both really busy right now. He trying to balance work, school and family while I am mainly solo on the front lines at home with our boys trying to keep a lid on the chaos that is 8 month old twins. I do more of the cleaning and cooking and all that but my husband definitely helps out when he gets home and on the weekends.
Ultimately our decision (and the twist of fate we got) has meant that we have a lot less free time for ourselves and probably less sleep that either of us would like, but it is working and we are happy. I am so glad to have had this time home with my boys and can’t imagine how all my friends who had kids at a similar time have been able to put their kids in preschool already. I would be so sad!! I’m sure it will be hard for me this fall when they start, but we are planning to do part time so that they will have care while I’m in class. I am looking forward to going back to school and getting more of a balance in my life. But I think that being away from them for those few hours a day will make me even happier to see them when I get home.
[name]Every[/name] family is different, but our decision has still worked out for us. You obviously can’t plan for every contingency, but we are taking each day as it comes and trying to make decisions that give us the most flexibility over the next few years. So career or family… well I guess we sort of walked a middle ground. Or as middle as we could find.
Good luck with your decision!
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Adoption is such a great thing, my Fiance (We’ve been together 6 years now :)) wasn’t on board with it originally when I brought it up a few years ago (Yup, a few years ago now!) I’ve wanted it for a long time, and I almost would have considered it a deal breaker had he remained so adamant about it. But I recently brought it up again, and he’s completely for it, and wants it too. His initial concern was that it just wouldn’t be his child, and he only wanted biological children, which I can completely understand, but I think over time he realized how important it was to me, and it became important to him.
I plan to work from the time I graduate from my program, through pregnancy, until it’s no longer safe for me to continue working. I am becoming a Personal Fitness Trainer, and really want to encourage prenatal and post natal fitness and teach classes to that effect, so it will be possible for me to work through pregnancy (Think Prenatal Yoga, and other types of classes along those lines :)) and while I would love to take a full year minimum of Maternity leave. Here in [name]Alberta[/name] [name]Canada[/name], I believe you only need 600 employed hours in any job to qualify for a year of paid maternity leave, and it’s not hard to get that many luckily, many women can get that many just in the 9 months of Pregnancy. But at the same time, with [name]Andrew[/name] getting his Masters Degree, I may have to return to work early for the money. Again though, luckily, lots of gyms have child minding services that the trainers are free to utilize, and I also have an interest in teaching Mommy & Me type classes, of which there are all kinds! (Salsa babies, Stollercize etc etc) No matter what, I have a feeling I will be able to make motherhood work with my career choice. Since you are interested in working with Children, there are a plethora of options available to you too, especially if you can go into business for yourself by opening your own dayhome/daycare or something. Not exactly sure what your plans are for sure though
My sister in law is currently in Flight Attendant training, (very intensive, she HAS to maintain grades over 90% or she’s kicked out!) Taking a MBA AND has a 13 year old and a 4 year old, and works. So it IS possible to do all that, school, work and motherhood, but I don’t think it’s ideal to be doing it that way, but the fact that it is possible is what counts!
Could you start TTCing while you are completing your Newly Qualified Teacher year? That way, you could complete it, but not wait another year to start TTCing and have a baby shortly there after completing it without showing a lack of commitment to finishing your education. Also remember, and I had to be reminded of this as well, life does not end as soon as you have a baby, you can still travel, and do everything you wanted to do before.
I agree with you on how scary the health risks can be after a certain age, and that’s also why I won’t be trying to conceive, ideally anyway, anytime after the age of 35. But your sister is proof that everything can still turn out okay. I completely understand your hesitation though.
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@ ljandrl - Many fertility problems are age related, but some aren’t. PCOS is a hormone imbalance problem that I have had my whole life (though I didn’t know what it was till i was TTC.) If your periods are normal, you probably won’t have that issue. There are a few things that you can be born with (or that happen with sexual maturity) that make getting pregnant, or keeping a pregnancy more difficult, such as a tilted uterus (your gynecologist should already know if this is an issue) or closed Fallopian tubes. Also, remember that about 30% of fertility problems come from the man. Sperm analysis is fairly simple and inexpensive (I think it cost us about $75) and it can give you some peace of mind in that area. I would recommend talking to your gynecologist and telling him/her about your concerns. They will know what tests might be helpful for you considering your medical and family history. Good luck!
The only thing that immediately pops into my head, is most airlines will not let you fly during your third trimester without a doctors permission. So keep that in mind if you do travel abroad and want to return home before having the baby. Also, I cannot stress enough that a baby does not mean you have to give up traveling! I know many families that have traveled with babies as young as 3 months to all kinds of places. [name]Long[/name] trips too, like from [name]Canada[/name] to Germany and South [name]America[/name]. You could TTC before you go, while you are there, or shortly after you come home too. Also, there’s nothing wrong with giving birth in another country, it could lead to dual-citizenship for your baby, which is always a great thing to have!
Traveling is one of the things I’m really worried about missing out on too, it really doesn’t seem possible with a baby or child in tow, but it is. I haven’t been anywhere outside of [name]Canada[/name], and for that matter, haven’t seen much of out [name]Canada[/name] itself either, but I think it would be an even more amazing experience with my children, and as a learning experience for them when they get older. We’ve even toyed with the idea of pulling them out of school for 6 months or something to that effect, and homeschooling them, but taking a trip around other continents so they get real life experiences, not just classroom learning. It’s important for kids (and adults!) to experience the world and expand their horizons! Maybe also think about joining some online forums that deal with emigration and Australia specifically, you can talk to native Australians about where they live, how they enjoy it, places to go, things to see, the best place to raise a family and everything, from the comfort of your living room, and possibly save yourself a lot of time before going on the trip by ruling places out. If anyone knows best, it’s the people that already live there! I think it would be absolutely brilliant to live in another country one day, for even just a little while. We have been toying with the idea of my Fiance taking his masters in either Australia or the Netherlands, which would mean us having a baby in one of those other countries possibly, or going there with an infant. It’s an intimidating thought, but I think it’s workable.
I’m actually flattered that you think I’m not a big ball of stress haha, because I am, I just have a tendency to over think and possibly over plan, it actually drives my Fiance insane. But it’s important for me to have an idea of how we’ll be living our lives in 3/4 years!
Also, you never ever run out of options, and don’t feel limited in your choices in life, like I said before, you really can have it all, you just need to find ways to make it work for you!
I think something to keep in mind is that when dealing with life, it doesn’t go according to plans. Not to say that you shouldn’t set goals, and have a general idea of things you’d like to accomplish, but things happen. I went to trade school, and planned to get pregnant after graduation with the intention that I would continue to work after the baby was born. The job I was trained for would have allowed for part time work, and I could even bring the infant with me when he was young. After I graduated, we started ttc, and I immediately fell pregnant. Surprise! Twins. They don’t run in our family.
I’ve always been incredibly healthy, and was in excellent shape when the babies were conceived. That didn’t stop me from having a complicated pregnancy and prolonged bed rest. The babies and I were absolutely fine after delivery, but working was not an option for me realistically with twinfants.
When they were about 1 1/2 I decided to go back to school for nursing. I worked on my pre-reqs for a couple of years, got pregnant (again, a complicated pregnancy requiring hospitalizations), and had a baby five weeks before I had to report to the nursing program. I have an amazing support system, and have been able to keep up with a heavy class and clinical rotation while breastfeeding an infant.
My older boys are 4 1/2. It’s hard work, and I couldn’t do it without a lot of help, but in the end, I’m going to have my family and a career that I’m proud of and expect to find very fulfilling. Travel will wait a few years, and at times guilt for not being a SAHM (that’s the predominant model in my family/culture) rears its ugly head. All of that rambling to say that if both family and career are important to you, you should weigh your options and go for it.
[name]Just[/name] because it’s not advised to have a baby during your program does not mean it’s impossible. I was told the first week of my nursing program that I should reevaluate whether it was the right time for me to be going after it. I refused to set those limits on myself, and I’ve been excelling. I think I spent a lot of my life waiting for things to “look right” or “fall into place,” as if I would finally arrive at a place where life was orderly and went according to plans. I’m starting to realize that it never really happens. Life is constantly changing, and we need to adjust to it.
Sorry, that’s a lot of rambling, but I really feel strongly that we need to figure out what we want and go for it! Something unexpected always seems to be around the corner. Motherhood is messy and uncertain, but very rewarding.
I am in similar situation to you, although I am slightly younger. I too have realised I want to work with children, which would require a PGCE and have been with my boyfriend for 3 years.
I absolutely don’t think you should forgo a career that will make you happy, our working lives are too long to be unfulfilling. I can’t even consider the thought of being in a job I don’t really like for 40 plus years, so know exactly how you feel.
Maybe consider having a child whilst still in your current employment? You can have materinity leave and so on and then address your career goals?
From my own family, I can see that having a child in what wouldn’t be considered the most ideal time, isn’t the end of the world. It won’t stop you achieving what you want. It also taught me that trying to plan everything can lead to disappointment in one way or another.
Whatever decision you make, I’m sure it will be the right one for you and your boyfriend. Best of luck
I look forward to your PM!
I wante to add a little more because I didn’t really talk about my choices here and I thought it might help others by sharing.
So, I have shared before that I got pregnant with #1 when I was in my first year of college. I was studying to be an actress at a very prestigious college. That was really my only career option/goal in my life so when I got pregnant I needed to make some choices quickly. I decided I needed to be home with my daughter and also allow my fiance to continue his schooling because his job would ultimately pay the bills…whereas my acting…who knows if that would ever go anywhere. I mean I always dreamed it would, but seriously…what are the chances?
I worked while he went to school and soon we had two little ones (2 and newborn). I was not happy with my job at the time… I was working in customer service and it was just really stressful and I still had to do everything at home too. So DH and I got together and worked on our budget and options. Since he was a full time student, we could take out additional student loans to pay for housing and other expenses. This allowed me to become a SAHM. It was the best choice for all of us. We lived VERY frugally…we essentially had no income…we lived on student loans for 2 yrs until he finally graduated and earned money. (I did part time child-care in our home though) We got by very frugally though and we had no questions about TTC #3 when DH graduated. He was 26 and I was 23 at the time for reference. We were TTC for almost 2 years and nothing was happening. I was very content being a SAHM, but I always had that acting thing lingering in the back of my head. I decided to take a community theater (unpaid) acting job for fun since our kids were a bit older (5 and 3) and it only had me out of the house in the evenings. It wasn’t my ultimate dream job, but it was definitely in the realm of my dream career. I continued doing community theater jobs until I got a few paid ones! Then I had a 2 yr paid contract! I thought my dream was “dead” but it wasn’t. I seriously had given up hope…but not in a depressing way - in a positive “moving on to better things” type way. However, those years I worked in my dream-type industry were awesome! I did that until I got pregnant with the twins and quit working again. (and btw, we were never avoiding pregnancy during that time- I just didn’t seem to be able to get pregnant then!) I’m now officially retired as I like to say and back to my full time mom job! I honestly feel like I appreciate and love being a mom even more now that I’ve been able to fulfill that other lifelong dream…even though the dream changed from how I always pictured it as a kid!
I really believe we as humans, especially women, need to fulfill those passions within ourselves. They can be very empowering and impact other areas of our lives. If you feel passionate about working with children, you need to pursue that. If you are just seeking a different career path because your current one is not “permanent” and you are trying to explore what is out there you might enjoy… maybe it’s not the right time to be planning everything around that one job.
So, my lesson there is that sometimes you just have to go with the present and your gut feeling of where you are right now/in the present and let the future work itself out. Maybe an opportunity will arise where you will get to work with children and learn as you work-- or maybe you’ll feel better able to go to school and be a mom at the same time. It’s very hard to predict the future and know how things will play out. Believe me I do know EXACTLY how you feel though- ask [name]Lemon[/name]… I am constantly chatting with her about things that “might” happen in 2-5 yrs and I have to stop myself and return to the present and just have faith that it will happen how it should happen.
Regarding traveling while pregnant or with a newborn - this is so on my mind right now! My feelings are that I would not want to travel long distance (UK to Australia) past 4 or 5 months pregnant or with a baby that is under 6-8 weeks old. However, I would not hesitate to do so out of those windows. I’d also be fine going TO australia being 4 months pregnant, knowing that I’d give birth there or with a 2 month old baby, but I could understand a first time mom would be more nervous about that! [name]Don[/name]'t know if that helps any.
There are tests you can take now to get a sense for your fertility. They will not tell you how fertile you will be in 10 years of course, but they can tell you if there are any warning flags NOW, which is absolutely essential information to have since you positively know you want a large family in the future.
They basically test the “age” of your ovaries, and can tell you if your ovaries are about right for your actual age. This way, if you do have some issues, you are forewarned and can (re)examine this entire conservation in light of that information.
You should ask your OBGYN about these tests, whether they are covered by insurance, etc. etc at your next annual visit.