Okay, this is a long-ish story and I’m sorry if it’s jumbled or fragmented…
My Mom has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer. She is 63 years old, and was a heavy smoker. I am close to my mother, but we have a very difficult relationship at times and a BIG reason for that is because she is ungodly stubborn. I mean, reverts back to a 12 year old when confronted about something she did wrong or a mistake she made. I (among many others) have been nagging her for years to quit smoking and that it was gonna kill her one day and now it’s all coming true and my first emotion is anger. I am so angry at her that she ignored her health for so many years and now we have to deal with this when [name_u]Rowan[/name_u] is not even 2 years old. [name_m]How[/name_m] could she be so reckless and didn’t think about everything she had to lose. I know it sounds harsh, and I want to comfort her and be optimistic and have a good attitude so she will too, but it’s so daunting and I honestly don’t know if I have it in me… I lost my Dad in 2007 to drugs and it was such a sudden death, with no warning, that I’m still reeling from it 6 years later. I’m not ready to go through this again.
I feel like when something serious happens, everyone else gets a pass to freak out and go absolutely mental and I’m stuck being the adult and picking up the pieces and keeping calm and putting my life on hold. We were getting too a really good point in our business, making some actual money, and pulling our heads above water, starting to think about TTC and giving [name_u]Rowan[/name_u] a sibling… and now this. Our plans, our life, comes to a screeching halt because my Mom is dependent on me. I am an only child, all her family lives far away and they are all glorified mental patients anyway, her friends are all good people and would support her in any way possible but she would never ask any of them. So it’s up to me. I just spent the last 4 days checking on her and forcing her to drink water while she slept in our guest bedroom. Which is fine if she was terminal or really felt terrible, but she was just diagnosed. The fight hasn’t even began and she’s already giving up and digging in her heels. What do I do? Get angry at her and make her do all the things she needs to do? Tell her what to do, and just hope she does it? Should I put off having another child due to this, for how long? Should I let her move in with us and accept the possible affects it could have on my relationship, my business, and my sanity?
Sorry for venting, but I didn’t know where else to turn and I could really use some rational advice and understanding.
Oh, I’m so sorry about your mom. I think only you and your husband can answer your questions about what changes you can make to help your mom through her diagnosis, but I don’t think you have to make any permanent decisions right now. Of course you are still reeling from this news, and I think it’s perfectly normal (and acceptable) to feel anger about what has happened. I think anger tends to accompany most grief, and just learning this news and understanding what it might mean would likely bring on some form of grief. And, of course, you would be angry. It’s your mom and you don’t want to see her become so sick because of a decision she made.
Again, I’m so sorry. I’m going to guess she’s - at least in part - acting defeated because she’s emotionally overwhelmed by the new diagnosis. If it’s an option for her, maybe you could gently suggest that she talk to a therapist. It might be what she needs to help process everything and it could take some of the responsibility off of your shoulders. It’s not that I think it is your responsibility - I just gathered from your post that you may already feel this way. I hope this doesn’t sound presumptuous. I just think that it’s an awfully difficult burden for you to have to carry alone as her only child and that some outside assistance might help.
Oh boy. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. What an incredibly difficult and complicated situation. I also have a very complicated relationship with my mom so I can definitely sympathize. And I 100% understand why you are upset/frustrated/angry whatever words you feel are appropriate. I am a big believer in the idea that all of us, once we become functioning adults, need to take responsibility for ourselves – especially our own actions, our own health, our own well-being. But a LOT of people in this world really aren’t good at that or even willing to accept it. It’s much easier when everything that happens is someone else’s fault or doing, even if that someone else is a divine being (oh it was God’s will I get cancer, my smoking had nothing to do with it!). Most people hate taking personal responsibility.
Anyway, I could stay on my soap box about that for awhile because it frustrates me to no end - but that’s not helpful. So I’ve been living with my own mom for the last year or so, because she was nice enough to let us move in when we hit a financial crisis and didn’t have many other options. It’s a very small house so it’s forced us to find ways to live together peacefully and deal with our issues. It has NOT been easy - but, at least for the time being, things are pretty good. But I’ve definitely learned quite a few things myself over the last year that have helped considerably. The biggest one? Your mom isn’t going to change. At this point in their lives (my mom is 65), they are who they are. Nothing we say or do will alter that. So that leaves us with one option: we can only change how we let them affect us. Much easier said than done, of course, but the reality is that’s the only option. My mom will never stop making the critical remarks and saying the stupid stuff… but I can work to find ways to not let it get to me anymore. Because she does have a lot of wonderful qualities too and I try to focus on those and accept all of her, as is. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m still working on it myself.
But in terms of you and your own life and plans, I would absolutely not pause my own life. This is definitely a personal choice but I just wouldn’t. I would help take care of her in whatever ways I could but I would not let it interfere with my own life to that point that I would have to delay something as huge as having another child. You deserve to have your own life continue and to be able to continue to work toward your own happiness (and your husband and child deserve that as well).
Anyway, I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Hopefully just venting here and writing your post and putting it out there will help all on its own (it usually does for me). But I wish you and your mom the best and I hope you can find a route to facing it all that works for all of you. Good luck and don’t forget to take care of yourself too!
I have no idea what I would do, but I think [name_f]Christine[/name_f] had some really good advice. My father had a brain tumor a few years ago, and it was awful, but it wasn’t the same situation as you’re in so I don’t think I have a lot to offer, except compassion and hugs. It must be a very frustrating, sad and difficult time for you, having to be the grown up one for your parents isn’t easy.
You have a right to be angry and frustrated, but it won’t make the situation easier. Maybe your mom smoked to deal with an anxiety disorder she was hiding. Maybe she would have loved to have quit, but couldn’t and was ashamed of it. People often give an alcoholic or drug addict sympathy for being unable to quit, but cigarettes are just as addicting (if not more so) and dangerous.
Perhaps you can suggest your mom sees a grief counselor or someone to help her cope with this - starting now, not later). If she won’t take the advice from you, ask her doctor to suggest it. You might want to do the same. Cancer is a horrible disease, and it wrecks patients and their families emotionally, not just physically. Having a professional help walk you through dealing with both cancer and each other during the process will ease the journey immensely.
My mom was also a lifetime smoker, and was diagnosed with leukemia when [name_m]Weston[/name_m] was barely 18 months old.
as a child, its so hard to take care of sick parents. We were lucky, there are 3 of us kids, and we have the most amazing Aunt who put her life on hold to take care of our mom, while our Dad worked to pay the bills. So, we were the back up/relief care. We tried to give everyone else breaks as best we could, since we couldn’t leave our jobs, etc.
Here are my big suggestions:
don’t forget to live your life. We lost 2 years when Mom got sick. All of us. It took us years to find the time to expand our family. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but time escapes you. Your world is so full, that everything flies by. We made a point of celebrating all the birthdays and holidays with full fanfare. And my Mom made a point to go to everything she was able.
Find a good support system. You will need someone to help with [name_u]Rowan[/name_u], and more importantly, you will need someone outside of the situation to talk to. Someone who won’t judge you because of how angry you are that you’re Mom won’t try to walk to the bathroom on her own, when you know that she can.
Find some outside help for your mom too. Someone who can look after her, sit with her, etc. She will also need people to vent to. It’s important. If she won’t call her friends, then you need to do it. Send a letter explaining your mom’s disease, and why she is so hesitant to tell those closest to her. If they are good friends, they will come running.
Make use of all the facilities and services that your hospital/cancer unit has to offer.
Take time away. You both will need it.
[name_u]Rowan[/name_u] will get used to the hospital, etc. My 5 year old has known how to gown up, put on a face mask and sanitize his hands for over 3 years. He’s a pro. [name_u]Rowan[/name_u] will be too. She’ll understand that she needs to be quiet. She’ll really understand that her grandma is sick. And she will do everything she can to make everyone feel better. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t forget that she’s a toddler and needs to run and be free. We’d bring my son along, and then rotate which adult would take him for walks. He was a great stress reliever for everyone there, including other patients. We packed a lunchbox of toys, and art supplies and snacks.
There’s so much else, but this is the most important for your sanity. Oh! and if you are religious, or need someone religious, see if you or your husband’s work uses a ministry program as one of the benefits. They can send chaplains all over. And I’ve found them comforting, without being too over-religious.
If you need anything, let me know.
My mom got better. she had a stem-cell transplant and recovered. Her cancer came back, she had radiation. She’s doing great now. And even though there’s still the medications and leftover emotional issues, she’s still here.
good luck!
I’m sorry you are going through this. I am also the child of people with addiction problems, which is the disease that caused your mom’s disease really. I suggest that you try al anon and deal with the disease of co-dependance if that is something that you feel troubles you.
I’m really sorry to read this is happening to you. I can’t offer much better advice than you’ve already been given but I can say you are entitled to be angry and frustrated and I would be very bitter if I were you. I get leaned on quite a bit in my own family dynamic and while I can’t relate to this situation, in particular, I really sympathize. I would focus on making decisions with a mind to asking, “If this all goes to the worst possible scenario - what will I regret?” Sorry I can’t be more helpful but know that you are entirely entitled to feel as you do.
I’m so sorry my parents went through a similar situation not the same my nana died of a stroke when I was two and my sister was a month old. I can only imagine how hard it would be for you having to go through this. Can’t offer much advise though.
This is where my mind is going too. You are entitled to feel just as you do right now and you have a complex range of emotions going on. Each person involved does and they aren’t all going to be the same. Hopefully things will shake out and become a little easier and more clear as the “newness” settles.
As women, we juggle so many things all the time. It tough for sure. I can’t say that you will for sure be able to be there for everyone all the time, but do know that you will adjust and you can and will find ways to keep moving forward in your own life and plans. I wouldn’t put TTC on hold solely for this reason. You need to keep your own family goals in mind that you and DH have set. You may decide you need to postpone it a little bit, but it could be a good opportunity for you and DH to discuss this in context of your lives, your mom’s care, and the future in general. Maybe you choose to TTC anyway and it will be a positive focus that helps everyone through your mom’s care and recovery? I’m just brainstorming and I have no real ideas on how exactly it will all work out -every situation is so very different. My main point here is don’t jump to any conclusions yet- you are still dealing with your mom’s diagnosis. You are angry at her, at your new responsibilities, at the prospect of losing her sooner than you wanted,and various other things right now. <hugs> It will get better. I know you’ll figure things out. Be proud that you are “the calm one” and the strong one that is compassionate towards your family when they need you.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back. Everything has obviously been hectic and I’ve had absolutely no time to myself.
Thanks to everyone for the heart felt responses, they really made me feel better. I’m still pretty angry but mostly I feel numb. I want to be optimistic about this whole situation, but I’m a realist and I know the statistics aren’t good. The cancer has spread to her brain (which is common for this type of lung cancer) and she is having a scan on [name_f]Tuesday[/name_f] to see if it’s spread into her liver. She feels good now though and has put on 6 lbs already because I’m making her eat. She had a 3 day round of chemotherapy ending today, and so far no nausea and no fatigue. They do say that this particular type of lung cancer responds well to chemo and in most cases, the cancer recedes dramatically but has a tendency to come back. My hope is that the chemo and radiation will make the cancer go into remission and if she totally quits smoking, changes her diet, and keeps a positive attitude she might just beat it. If she makes it at least 5 years, she’ll be considered a “survivor.”
This just came at such a “turning point” in my life, and I know it sounds a little selfish, but the next 5 years are critical for me. I am 26, DH is 35, and I wanted to already have a second child and be totally settled by the time I’m 30. I am actively trying to better myself and totally change my habits, I was going to the gym 5 days a week, I was eating better, and then BAM. Stress eating and being too mentally exhausted at the end of the day to work out. And when I think of having another baby, the thought that my mom could possibly not live long enough to get to know my next child, it depresses me to no end.
Some fantastic advice here and i really couldn’t offer anything that hasn’t already been said, so will just offer my sympathies at the sucky situation and my well wishes that your Mom recovers. Also, don’t get so busy looking after everyone else that you forget to look after yourself as well (we all know as woman we tend to do that…) - you’re no good to anyone if you’re a strung out wreck, and i mean that in the nicest possible way!
I think only you and your husband can answer your questions about what changes you can make to help your mom through her diagnosis, but I don’t think you have to make any permanent decisions right now. Of course you are still reeling from this news, and I think it’s perfectly normal (and acceptable) to feel anger about what has happened. I think anger tends to accompany most grief, and just learning this news and understanding what it might mean would likely bring on some form of grief. And, of course, you would be angry. It’s your mom and you don’t want to see her become so sick because of a decision she made.