I’m looking for advice and experience from couples who opted to choose a whole new surname for their family (not using one of the couple members’ current surnames). How did you tell people and who did you tell (who needs to know)?
Neither my partner nor I are very attached to our current surnames and though I want to share a surname with my husband and future children, I’m slightly opposed to taking his surname (down with the patriarchy 
and also his mom was a teacher and still does some tutoring so I think it would be weird to also be Mrs.H*** 
).
We don’t plan on having a wedding ceremony (there were so many traditions we were opposed to that we eventually decided we didn’t even want to spend the money on a big ceremony), but before COVID the plan was to always get married in private and then hold a casual reception sometime in the summer (BBQ style) to celebrate. Now with COVID it’s a little unclear if/how that would be done… but that would definitely make the best “public stage” to tell our family and friends if it were to happen. Anyway, let looking for your experiences and any advice on how to tell everyone! Thanks!
Interested to hear about people who have actually done this. I didn’t change my name when I got married. I just figured I would wait and see how I felt since there wasn’t any real reason to change it right away. I didn’t bother to tell people that I wasn’t planning on changing my name so I still have people sometimes send me mail with the wrong surname. But it’s no big deal really. Last names don’t really come up that much.
I’m not sure I would announce it at a wedding without people already knowing it was going to happen. Maybe announce it with your invitation? You could get some odd reactions would be my guess.
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I haven’t done this but have thought about doing it in the future. Though I’ve decided I likely won’t unless my future spouse wants to, I think it’s a lovely idea.
I do know and love a couple who did do this. They picked a name that wasn’t like either of their given surnames. They had a traditional wedding ceremony, and announced their new surname (an unusual one which I love and which suits them), there. I believe that relatives and friends were aware that a new surname would be had by both husband and wife, and I think that it was exciting to have what it was revealed once they were married.
If I were to do this, I would let friends and family know in conversation that there was to be a new surname for both partners/spouses, and I would make an announcement at my wedding ceremony or right after. Of course, I’m a bit dramatic in that way.
Since you’re not having a traditional wedding ceremony, that might not be an option for you. However, it does sound like you’re having a reception. If you wanted to you could make an announcement there but I definitely recommend that you let your close loved ones know that there will be a new surname before you do that. Maybe the same kind of people you tell before you made a pregnancy announcement. That way expectations are managed, but if you want to, there could still be an announcement or surprise. Or not. Up to you.
As with so many things, I think it’s really about whatever works best for you and your partner.
Also very interested in hearing from people who have done this.
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Thanks so much for your feedback! I do really like the idea of “dropping the hint” to friends and family beforehand that we are going to both change our names to a whole new surname for our family, but leave the name itself a secret until we can announce and celebrate together 