Are there any situations where you feel comfortable offering unsolicited advice to another mom?
Another mom I know has started feeding her 3 month old solids. While I know many of the older generation did this, and some people still research and choose to feed solids early, I am pretty sure this girl just has no idea what the recommendations are. She probably asked her mom when she fed solids and went on that alone.
I decided not to say anything, but I’m wondering if I should have? Or if I did, how to approach it? I think if I was oblivious to some safety recommendation or guidelines, I’d want someone to tell me.
[name_m]How[/name_m] do you decide when and how to offer advice, if ever?
I would say never. Unless it’s specifically asked for - and even then, I would give it very kindly and cautiously. Unless that parent is doing something that could seriously harm the child, it’s probably not the end of the world and the kid will be fine no matter what. Everyone is going to be giving them advice, let her doctors, immediate family, etc. give the advice (because they’re going to anyway), you can just be her friend.
I would only give advice if asked, but there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I started solids when my kid was ___.” to open up a conversation about it. If she shows interest in why you waited longer than she did it would make sense to tell her…of course only do this if you can discuss the topic in a friendly and nonjudgmental way and it wouldn’t ruin your friendship if she hears “your way” and still does it “her way”. If you seems disinterested than she is certain of her decision and I wouldn’t press the issue. All things considered her baby will probably survive just fine despite starting solids this young so if it was my friendship I wouldn’t bring it up. I’m assuming she takes her child to a pediatrician and that she has internet access, so any questions she has or education she needs is there for her. [name_f]IMO[/name_f] there are a million ways to raise a baby and we’re all making a mistake in someone’s eyes!
My “friend” doesn’t feed her four month old enough. She feeds him six ounces every six hours, and gives him water bottles if he gets hungry in between feedings, because they’re trying to “move him along.” They also refuse to get him up before eight, even if it means him crying in his crib for two hours, because they don’t want him to think he has control over them. The poor baby ALWAYS stinks.
I give her parenting advice ALL THE TIME. She doesn’t take it, but I still do, because I feel bad for her son. She leaves her baby in childcare at MOPS once a week, and the ladies in the nursery have complained to her countless times, and one of them, who is a friend of mine also, says that they’re just trying to document enough neglect to go to social services.
ANYWAYS, I think it’s okay to give unsolicited parenting advice if there is neglect or abuse.
Never, unless another mother specifically asks. Unless she is significantly endangering her child I keep my mouth shut.
As mothers we’re all just trying to do our best, and our best may not always be the social norm for what’s the right thing to do.
So unless the little one was being harmed or abused, I’d keep my opinions to myself.
I know as a parent myself, it annoys the hell out of me when other mothers do it to me so I make a point of not passing any judgement unless specifically asked.
I would only give parenting advice if they ask for it/bring it up or if I’m concerned for the child.
leadmythoughts - If you\re concerned I would ask that parent why they chose to start their child on solids so early. And the perhaps you could recommend some easy reading for them, or something. I didn’t do a ton of reading parenting books or whatever myself. If there’s a problem I can usually look up a solution, or ask one of my friends (both who have babies around Azula’s age and who are nurses). I know some people who chose to start solids early simply because they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) breastfeed and formula was so expensive. Or who had a gigantic baby with a gigantic appetite. It’s not up to us to decide whats best for their family, but I don’t see a problem with helping them get the information they may need.
ksilvia - it sounds like the baby you are referring to would do better out of his parents’ care.
We let Azula cry herself to sleep at night- some of our friends with babies will go in and check on their babies every 5 minutes, but we usually wait at LEAST 20 before we go back in there. And Azula is a super loud crier… it’s pretty sad to listen to. There are times she has cried at night for over an hour, but I don’t think it is hurting her to a) go to bed at a decent hour (any time between 7pm and 11pm) or b) teach herself to self soothe. When she wakes up in the morning though, I go get her right away no matter how tired I am. Often she just needs a quick change and a feed & I can put her back down for another hour or two. If I wait to see if she will go back to sleep on her own she just works herself into a frantic state.
What does your friend mean by wanting to “move him along” with the water between feedings?
I don’t think it would be a good move to step in and start counseling her. She may just get offended and mad and stop listening to you.
If it were me, I would bring up my point of view by engaging her in a conversation about the subject. Rather than telling her what is right, just try to get where she is coming from and have a chance to offer your experience or view point. Perhaps she will hear you and think about her options and perhaps she will alter her choices. More than that is, in my opinion, overstepping boundaries except in extreme cases of neglect and abuse.
Because adults and older children get thirsty, they think if they only feed him on a schedule and only give him water between feeds, his system will start to act like an adult’s would, with a difference between hunger and thirst, and they would have to buy less formula, since both are liquids anyway, if that makes sense. I am aware that this is insane, and would have called child services myself if I wasn’t aware his nursery were working on a case.
And as for the sleeping thing, I understand self soothing, but I guess my issue is that they don’t even check on him in the mornings, and most times I talk to her (only about once a week, at MOPS) she’ll complain that he pees through his diaper almost every morning. I say to her every time that I would scream too if I was left to sit in my pee all morning.
ksilvia - That is very sad. [name_f]One[/name_f] thing maybe I should mention, at least here in [name_f]Canada[/name_f], when concerns of child abuse or neglect are investigated, they factor in how many reports have been made. Maybe you would consider reporting anyway even though the nursery intends to alert someone.
But maybe this parent just needs to be more informed. If you did report the case & child services does investigate that, they will likely set her up with a mentor or parent counselor to help ‘show her the ropes’ before they would consider removing the child from the home.
Child services may react quicker to the case where the mother is essentially starving her child if they have more complaints or they come from friends.
I tend to agree with everyone, unless its a case of endangerment, advice isn’t a good idea. Opening a conversation about it might be a good way to share info you think was overlooked, though.
And I think there’s a huge difference between leaving a 4 month old to cry and a 1 year old to cry.
The only time I would offer advice, unless specifically asked by the mother, is if she was endangering her baby. It doesn’t sound like she is endangering her baby.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you know any of this persons family members you could call and alert them? That is not enough to feed a baby, if they are trying to save money on formula then they should apply for WIC or other government assistance rather than starve their baby. Also, 4 month old babies do not know how to manipulate yet, so letting him cry in his crib in the mornings is pointless. Does the mother maybe have PPD, having trouble coping with parenting? She needs an intervention or something. Sorry, I can’t understand her logic what-so-ever, and since I’m pregnant and hormonal right now I’m very upset about this!
My advice would be to not give unsolicited advice, unless the well being of the child was at stake. However, I think there are a few ways that you could approach it if you really feel like you need to say something.
I would start by asking “[name_m]How[/name_m] did you decide at what age to start feeding your child solids?” This could open up the door to a conversation that lets you know if she did or did not do any research prior to making this decision. If she did research, even if it was just asking a few people, I would let it go. If she admits to not doing any research, I would say something similar to “Have you read what the (insert source here) says about introducing solids? It has some really interesting facts and tips.” I would just provide her with a source to get information, but that is really all you can do. Perhaps if you know of a great parenting blog or something like that, you could tell her to check it out sometime because it has a lot of great resources/information.
I’ll buck the trend. I think it’s ok to give gentle unsolicited advice. Not repeatedly or rudely, but there are several things I wished someone had told me when [name_f]Mila[/name_f] was a baby, and I didn’t even know to ask. If I had fed solids at three months and found out later that all my friends had known you should wait until 6 months and no-one had told me, I’d be so frustrated and hurt. I think you can make tactful suggestions and then wait and see if the advice is well-received or not. If it is, awesome, you can give them some more in-depth info. If not, ok, well you tried, now back off.
Echoing a lot of previous posters, I don’t think it’s ever okay unless the child is in danger. Otherwise, like in the case of your friend, I’d make a seemingly innocent comment like, “You’re starting her on solids early. I didn’t start mine until she was six months” or something like that. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t come in all heavy handed (like “Why are you doing that? You’re crazy!”), but as though you’re making an innocuous comment.
I completely agree with @milasmama, if I was doing something wrong I would want to know ASAP, not have people realise and keep it to themselves.
Some of my closest friends, practically sisters, have often given me advice on how I could do things better, and I love it, we aren’t supposed to be perfect mothers from the get-go! Some well-meaning sound advice from a friend is usually a comfort in my experience.
If something needs to be said then I’d just be subtle, but clear, and hopefully your friend is not so proud that she can take some loving, caring advice.
The only time I would give a mother advice she hadn’t asked for is when I’m at work and am legally obliged to do so. In a social situation, I would keep my mouth shut unless I am asked or there are serious issues.