See the results of this poll: Which would you pick?
Respondents: 52 (This poll is closed)
- His : 26 (50%)
- Hers : 5 (10%)
- His-Hers : 6 (12%)
- Hers-His: 15 (29%)
I know several couples in the U.S. who swore they’d never get married, then they eventually realized the legal benefits to marriage when hard times (illness/injury, job loss) came along…and changed their minds. For this reason, I’d use the father’s name.
I’d personally use the father’s name because I’m not a fan of hyphens. If you do decide to hyphen, it really depends on the sound of the surnames together to pick which goes first.
Hers or His-Hers. Seriously, everybody?! Why should the kid get their father’s name instead of their mother’s? They’re not married, and don’t plan to become so. This is misogyny, plain and simple.
Misogyny? Please. Why should the child automatically get the mother’s name over the father’s? If a sperm donor was used, fine. But actively involved fathers deserve credit, too. The child already gets the mother’s mRNA and the bond that comes along with pregnancy. And not to mention the upper hand mothers automatically have in most, if not all, states when it comes to child custody, should the relationship go awry. There is nothing wrong with giving the father something as well, and since tradition is to give the father’s surname, it seems quite logical to use the father’s surname. It’s not like we suggested she stay at home with the child all day and give up all her dreams of a career or pursuing other goals.
I like the idea of His-Hers or Hers-His, especially if the parents aren’t planning on getting married. I’d probably go with whichever order sounds better.
I do know one (married) couple who combined their last names for their child’s- so his was [name_u]Bailey[/name_u] and hers was [name_m]Anderson[/name_m] and their child’s surname was Bailson (not the real names.) I don’t recommend that because I would imagine it could be confusing for paperwork, but it’s an option that may appeal to you.
I’d probably just use his with the possibility of using yours in the middle or something. My last name is long so I would never want to hyphenate it, but I also plan on getting married and changing my surname.
I’d use hers.
I don’t see any reason to use his if they’re not married? They both share DNA. Why does the father “need” to have something as a big gold star for participating? It’s okay if he were a sperm-donor but since he’s not… he needs “something…”? Does the mother not need anything? Is she bailing? I mean, not using her name would be okay if she were a surrogate, but I think an actively involved mother needs something, the father already has 50% of the child’s DNA and societal ass-kissing for any level of care beyond the criminally negligent…?
If they decide later to get married, he can take her name.
That’s my 2 cents.
I realize you’re mocking me but FYI mitochondrial mRNA is different from DNA and only comes from the mother, so that attempt wasn’t quite successful. I guess whoever feels they need the biggest gold star and societal butt-kiss can give the child their surname. Yes, I say that with sarcasm. And that is why I took my husband’s name even when he offered to take mine.
- As an attempt, however token, to combat a society in which women are pressured and coerced into ceding their own names upon marriage
- As a rejection of a patriarchal tradition in which a man’s ownership of his children is signaled by stamping his name on their birth certificate
- Because the couple is not married
- Since women are expected to share their child’s surname, this will make life vastly easier for everyone involved.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] for starters.
And half of their DNA is their father’s. If the father is “actively involved”, there should be no problem with bonding. Nurture and nature are the most powerful shaping forces, and they have the potential to work equally in favor of both parents.
…due to a sexist system in which the woman is expected to bear the brunt of child-rearing, emotionally, physically, and financially. Sexism sucks for men too, you know.
Except that the tradition in which a child is given their father’s surname is the same tradition in which a woman is expected to give up all her dreams of a career and pursuing other goals. These things are both symptoms of the same illness.
I would suggest that everyone who would go automatically to vote the child have his surname or her-his surname (knowing full well that the first name in a hyphenated surname is often dropped or ignored) give a long, hard look at their reasons.
I think you should go with whichever you like most/feel comfortable with really.
If I ever get married I will definitely not be changing my last name, but I would probably give my kids the father’s name, because for personal reasons I don’t want to pass on my last name, so I think it’s different for every case.
I in absolutely no way think you are obligated to give the baby your boyfriend’s last name, nor would it be considered weird or wrong if you gave the baby yours.
@augusta_[name_u]Lee[/name_u] [name_f]Do[/name_f] you find people really always drop the first last name? I’m not doubting you I’m just curious, because I figured the second one would be dropped. I can’t think of anyone I know with hyphenated names where both parents are in the picture off the top of my head though so I don’t know why that’s what I initially thought.
I know two people with hyphenated names. [name_m]Both[/name_m] of them have complained in the past about the first surname being dropped/ignored everywhere from the classroom to work to the doctor’s office to their census forms. I agree that it would be most logical to drop the second surname, not the first, but I think since the first surname is assumed to be the mother’s name it isn’t given the same importance as the second, paternal, surname.
I find that so incredibly rude to just skip part of someone’s name, particularly for that reason because I figure you’re right about that for almost all cases (especially with official forms like that).
@nessielove That’s definitely something to keep in mind when deciding on the name. Particularly if you both have long last names.
I realize mitochondrial mRNA is different than DNA but both parents contribute the child’s genetic material and I don’t think being the male or female parent is in itself any form of accomplishment or a “special connection” as such.
I wasn’t mocking you. You’re entitled to your opinion - my reply was that it makes no sense to me as an argument. Your post was that it was more “logical” for the father’s surname to be used and the logic didn’t hold for me, that’s all. To me, a woman does not have more or less connection to her child than the father.
A father is also not owed the surname as compensation for not being the mother, surely?
A mother having an easier time getting custody a) doesn’t hold true when counting only cases where the father actually contests and wants custody and b) would seem, logically, to be an argument for the child having the mother’s surname as it would be most logical for the child to have the surname that would cause the least confusion in their primary caregiving setting?
I don’t have a problem with you taking your husband’s last name, not taking it, picking a 3rd name, whatever you want. And that is, of course, aside the point altogether since OP isn’t married. But there’s no particular logic that I can see for your original post which is that it makes MORE sense to use the father’s name. I didn’t say it made less.
Personally, I’d find it weird that a couple that’s modern enough to have a child out of wedlock intentionally together as a couple without getting married first would have a guy who is that wound-up about the baby having his last name. A stance that socially conservative seems surprising in that context.
As a feminist I do believe that that the usual surname thing is very dated and patriarchal but I don’t like hyphens either. If it were me it would depend on which surname I preferred sound-wise, as much as I’d like my own.
I have a cousin who has two daughters and they have different last names, one for his and one that’s his girlfriend’s. The daughter with his girlfriends surname rhymes with the child’s middle name ([name_u]Lynn[/name_u] is the middle name). I agree with @tannaz it should be whichever sounds the best flow-wise, but don’t use one surname for one, then use the other for another child. Pick one that you feel comfortable with and flows well with names you and your boyfriend like.
I agree with a lot of what you say, but I don’t think you should get too judgey about parents who choose one of these options. There are practical reasons to go with his surname only, especially if the parents are married. While it would be nice for parents to be able to hyphenate without any logistical concerns, that’s not reality. Hyphenated surnames can cause a lot of headaches for people who bear them. You can’t undo a system that’s several thousands of years old with good intentions, no matter how messed up that system is.
As you said, many times the first surname gets dropped, but I have hyphenated-surnamed friends who’ve had the second surname get dropped as well. This is usually in conversation (using an example similar to a friend’s name: [name_f]Amanda[/name_f] Binecki-[name_m]Gennaro[/name_m] is a bit of a mouthful, so I’ve heard people say or write “[name_f]Amanda[/name_f] Binecki” when in a hurry.) I don’t think there’s a real reason other than personal preference to go with Hers-His or His-Hers: people aren’t used to encountering two surnames in a name, so they’ll have to be corrected no matter whose name is first. It’s not malicious and a gentle explanation will stop them.
[name_f]One[/name_f] of my close friends has a hyphenated surname because she has same-sex parents. She often encounters one name getting dropped because her name is [name_m]LONG[/name_m], and regularly signs things “Firstname InitialInitial” instead of putting the full names. It never fits on paperwork and she’s always having to explain it. I know that she wants both of her parents represented in her name and wouldn’t change it, but it does bring a lot of day-to-day inconvenience to her. If both parents want to help their child avoid that, there’s nothing wrong with that decision. I think that’s the appeal of the combined surname option that I suggested earlier- both parents are represented and the name fits into the naming system that is familiar to most English-speakers, maximizing representation of both parents and minimizing logistical complication for the child.
I chose the His-Her option (as long as the names flow well together in that order). This option leaves no one out in the cold and both parents surnames are recognized. You could also use one of your surnames in the middle spot as well if you don’t like to hyphen the two ln’s or think one will be dropped on official forms.
I would hyphenate in whatever order they sound the best.
lol, what would I do if I were in your situation? I’d get married.
Honestly, I think you’ll have problems with the surname no matter what you pick if it differs from one or both of you. So I guess the question is, who’s more willing or able to deal with the irritation? Who will be taking the kid to the doctor more, to school events, to any place where both your surname and the child’s surname is on the record–it should match that person if possible.