I have only ever talked about my love of names with my bff. For the past several years, I’ve honestly avoided telling anyone (apart from my husband, of course) what names I currently like.
This comes from a logical fear of allowing friends and family members to become overly involved in naming my children. But this certainly isn’t the only way about it, and now that I’m actually pregnant, I find myself craving a little more interaction, but I fear that it’s a slippery slope to everyone feeling they can give us unwanted input.
Whom do you trust to talk about names? Close friends? Your parents? Your grandparents?
What have your experiences been like talking to people about naming and what advice do you have for me?
I dont get why you wouldnt talk to family and friends about names?
You are the pregnant one, I’m sure they cant steal the name from you
And sure, they might have a favorite but you’re your own person, while their opinion might give you a new insight into a name that doesnt mean that if your brother says “I think [name_f]Nora[/name_f] is a cool name” youre gonna immediately want to name your daughter [name_f]Nora[/name_f]
And if he says “NO, she has to be [name_f]Nora[/name_f], it’s perfect for her, all your other name ideas are not nearly as good” you can just say that it is you and your husband’s choice only. It’s no big deal, though I doubt they would say anything like that anyway
^^^ I think she means she doesn’t want to be barraged with suggestions from every relative if she opens up about names. Once the topic is on the table, suddenly everyone wants to name the baby after X dead relative, or X random name they just really, really like. Some families are more aggressive about it than others. Also, people are all too willing to insult name choices when the baby isn’t actually here yet, even if they aren’t trying to be hurtful. Sometimes it is better to just keep things to yourself.
It’s a tricky situation that you’re in. You know your family better than we do and know which relatives are wont to give unwanted advice. Maybe test the waters with your closer relatives, using names you like but aren’t heavily considering right now. That way if they start getting pushy or don’t have anything nice to say, you can drop the topic with relative ease.
I have a good friend that I bounce name ideas off of sometimes. Other than that, I post a thread on Nameberry here or there, but I don’t talk to family members or other friends about my favorite names. If you want to discuss names with a friend or family member, I would confide in one whom you know won’t be judgemental or make mindless comments like “that sounds like a dog’s name” or “but that’s my boyfriend’s horrid great-aunt’s name!”
I can relate with you a little bit, as I am very careful about discussing names with just anyone, and quite protective over my choices. My mother does know that I love names, so her and I discuss them some, but I rarely venture into the territory of the names I really love and would love to give a child. I am not pregnant tho, so you have a little different situation.
I do have a very caring, understanding friend who I talk names to and there is also my boyfriend who I try with but he isn’t super interested in such yet, but I agree with the previous poster that it depends alot on the individual person. What they’re like, how they talk or treat you.
I’d say a close friend or relayive is a good place to start. All the best!
Yes, @sansavesper, you summarized my feelings exactly.
I mostly want to talk to my mom about it more than anyone else. [name_m]Just[/name_m] knowing what she named me and considered naming me otherwise, I do trust her taste and value her input.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] case in point, if I were a boy I would have been [name_m]Stuart[/name_m] [name_m]Oliver[/name_m] or [name_m]Yves[/name_m] [name_m]Julien[/name_m], which I love. Other names she was toying with were [name_f]Clotilde[/name_f], [name_m]Etienne[/name_m], [name_f]Honor[/name_f], and [name_f]Faye[/name_f]. Had nameberry been a thing in the early 90s, I could see her fitting in here.
So I might open up to her, but it does feel like a can of worms that once I open, there’s no way to close again and put the worms back inside. It’s a scarier precipice than that of just waiting to hand her a gorgeous newborn and introducing them face to face. But I could use the support.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you all have people you trust, though? Has it ever completely backfired on you? I just read so many posts here about the negative comments people give sometimes.
I occasionally talk to my best friend about it since pregnancy isn’t close for either of us and she’s had her list of names she’s loved for awhile. Additionally, neither of us would “steal” the other’s name so there’s no real fear about sharing.
Otherwise, it’s with my mom. I’m stubborn, so if I truly love a name no amount of bad feelings towards the name will sway me. That allows her to be honest and her input has caused me to consider things (associations, family connections, etc.) about a name that hadn’t crossed my mind. She showed me her list when she was coming up with names for my adoption, and the boy middle is still one of my top picks for a middle for a future son.
There’s also my coworker/friend. He’s fun to bounce ideas off of and is more supportive of my out there choices than most.
I think when it comes to pregnancy, only share the final list of names if you are stubborn enough to accept the negative opinions and still love the name. ETA: I would at least ask if there’s any names that have extremely bad associations for the immediate family; we are talking abuse, assault, neglect type of associations. I don’t want to name my child something and then find out it’s the same name as someone who abused a family member.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn’t tell my family about the named until my husband and I had chosen a few that we wanted to use. They said a bunch of negative things about her middle name, but we used it anyways. If we have a boy next, we already mentioned the name to them from when I was pregnant the first time, and the comments were probably mixed, but we will be using it anyways. They will just have to get used to the name. The reactions on his side of the family were much better because they are familiar with the names.
With the exception of Nameberry, I don’t talk to anyone except my partner about the names we are going to give our children because I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. His is the only opinion I really truly value (to the extent that I would rule out a name or something) because he’s the only other person who is a parent to the child.
I do try to anticipate whether names will work well on both sides of the family (since we are a bilingual/bicultural family) and so I take feelings into account, but only my perception of what those feelings might be. I mostly think about whether everyone will be able to pronounce and spell the name. But I’m not actually going to open up the floor for discussion, no way.
When it’s just general namenerdery I don’t really talk to anyone in real life about it because I honestly don’t think anyone would care, although I will comment on baby names with friends if someone we know of recently named a baby. [name_m]Just[/name_m] in a casual conversation kind of way.
I absolutely understand how you feel. In fact, there is no one that I talk to about names, even though I find them fascinating. When I was pregnant, as you are, I didn’t want the unsolicited input. Now that I’m not currently expecting, I always feel that if I bring up the topic of names, people will start asking if I’m pregnant - which in my opinion is even LESS of their business than what I will name a baby! If I had a friend as interested in names as I am, I would love to talk to him/her about it, but I don’t, so I just troll nameberry.
I truly only trust my husband and all y’all, when it comes to talking about names! I guess I would trust our closest friends (a married couple with a few little ones of their own), but the topic has never really come up much. I have feelings very similar to yours about it
When I was younger, I would run some names by my mom but she would mostly say things along the lines of “[name_f]Lydia[/name_f]???! [name_m]How[/name_m] could you do something like THAT to a child?! NO, what a horrible name! I’ll call her by her middle name instead! Unless that is something weird, too!”. From then on, nope. No more.
I don’t really have any advice, but I hope you are able to find another source to discuss names with, that is ‘safe’ and non-judgemental.
I’m still contemplating opening up to my mom only. I think it will work based on her easy-going non-combative nature. Otherwise, I doubt I’ll mention anything to anyone except you all!
I am in completely the same situation and mindset as you. I have one friend I talk to but even my husband I am careful what I share as he shoots them down willy-nilly and then a week later he’s changed his mind. Once we get farther along in this pregnancy I know that will change but I haven’t quite decided how to approach it with him. I have a list I’ve been compiling for years, on the occasions I do bring it up to him casually he’ll often be flippant, one conversation he was only open to names derived from [name_m]Henry[/name_m] “[name_u]Indiana[/name_u]” [name_m]Jones[/name_m] and combos there of (this was thankfully before we were pregnant). These days he’ll think of one random name a day and be stuck on it, but forget it two days later. I think i’ll have to plant seeds slowly.
I don’t discuss names with my parents because I don’t like their style. I want names that mean something, maybe not honorifics or my favorite city, but just have some reason behind them. My parents seem to have picked my and my brothers names at random they just “liked them”. There’s nothing wrong with this method, it’s just not how i do it. I may begin discussing names more with friends, as most of my friends already have at least one child and none are pregnant so i’m not worried they will steal…anymore.
I’m the same! I only talk with my husband about names or with strangers on the internet. I don’t want outside opinions from my very opinionated family. Once an actual baby is here I trust them not to comment on the name :). I do chat sometimes with my mom who is very open-minded, but I still wouldn’t tell her the final choices.
My dad never listens to me, so he’s out. My brother just kind of hums at me (though he has discussed [name_f]Edith[/name_f] and Ademar as names for a daughter and a son, which I actually helped him come up with) and my mom shakes her head. I showed her my name lists and she said “wow, this is a hobby for you. Like, an actual hobby.” My reply was, “Yeah. It’s a hobby.” My friends listen to me but they’re not interested in names and naming like I am. NB is the only place I really get to use as a sounding board/experimental place.
I used to discuss names with my mother, and sometimes with my best friend. Now I pretty much only discuss them with my husband. Though I will seek opinions of my mom still because my husband loves all of my favorites and is no use when I’m in need of constructive criticism! It’s a good problem to have though.
I have a few thoughts on this (apologies for the lengthy reply).
(1) I’ve spoken up about my #1 boys name and had it “stolen” from me. Although they did ask permission to use it (which was particularly considerate since I was about 19 with no kids in sight), it was still sad. Now, though, I couldn’t imagine my little cousin having any other name. It fits him perfectly and I feel proud to know that I named him.
(2) I find value in hearing other people’s opinions about names (as long as they are constructive and genuine). Some of my past combos have had a clear theme I didn’t like and hadn’t intended and I was glad to be informed about it before potentially giving that to my child.
(3) To actually answer your question, I’m relatively open discussing my names with people I’m close to. I know anything can happen, but they’re people I trust to not steal and give great feedback. They include: my mom, my two best friends, my sister, brother & [name_m]SIL[/name_m]. [name_m]Just[/name_m] like I know [name_f]Isla[/name_f] & [name_m]Felix[/name_m] are [name_u]Jessie[/name_u]'s names, [name_m]Ezekiel[/name_m] is [name_u]Brooke[/name_u]'s name, [name_u]Jameson[/name_u] is my sister’s name, [name_m]Bennett[/name_m], [name_u]Tyson[/name_u] and [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] are my brother & [name_m]SIL[/name_m]'s names, they know [name_u]Piper[/name_u] is mine and we all respect each other’s choices and hold firm on that.
If you can find someone you really trust, I say go ahead with the discussion. Different perspectives provide a lot of clarity and value to the naming decision.
I don’t tell many people about my obsession with names because it stems from OCD, and it’s sort of looked at as a symptom. My mom is the only person who I can sit down with and have a long conversation about names. She’s really into names too. I think a parent is the most trustworthy person to talk to, although it always depends on the parents.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] a little update… I have talked about our girl’s name choice with my mom and my cousin since I first posted here. The feedback was really positive and encouraging. It was great to get some serious feedback, especially from my mom.
We won’t be sharing our boy’s pick. It’s been set forever anyway. It’s a family name on my side and while I already know my grandmother thinks it’s a lot of name for a child given how unusual it was for people in her own 1940s cohort, it’s the name of her beloved grandfather and I’m sure she’ll like it and understand why we’re using it. Regardless, she is a serious “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” kind of person, and not in a passive aggressive way, either. I know she will show tacit begrudging approval of our choices, respect that they’re our choices (she has said in the past, “I had MY turn naming children already, so it’s really none of my business what your mother or your uncle chose or what you’ll eventually choose”), and perhaps even show her fondness of our choices if she genuinely likes them. I know my mother will appreciate our boys choice as well. I know it’s not one of her alltime favorites, but she’s also a [name_m]Shakespeare[/name_m] buff and she loved her great-grandpa Pop, too.
All in all, I felt I needed feedback for our girls choice that I don’t feel I need to trust my gut with our boys’ choice. I’m now confident in our decision. [name_f]Glad[/name_f] I talked to my mom about it. She was really helpful.
I am mildly apprehensive about my in-laws’ reactions, but it’s hard to guage beforehand and we’re going to just stick to our guns and wait to officially announce. On the one hand, I’m sure in the 40 years they’ve lived in this country, they’ve never met a [name_f]Chrysanthemum[/name_f]. But on the other hand, culturally the flower is something they talk about practically every time I see them (they love to have [name_f]Chrysanthemum[/name_f] tea on special occasions, which includes our visits), and my father-in-law mentions [name_f]Chrysanthemum[/name_f] as the autumn flower everytime we play mah jong together as if he’s teaching me something new… haha… dads (eye roll). I know for a fact it’s a name everyone on his side of the family can pronounce instinctively. They may not like the actual name, but I think they’ll for sure appreciate our reasons for choosing it and the cultural cross-over it represents. I know they won’t know how to deal with “[name_f]Xanthe[/name_f]” at first, but they can use it or not as they please.
All in all, I think opening up to my mom and cousin gave me just the boost of confidence in needed to trust that the braver choice is indeed wearable and useable in my family. Neither (figuratively) batted an eyelash at [name_f]Chrysanthemum[/name_f] as a “weird” or “unwieldy” choice, and my mom has always loved the name [name_f]Xanthe[/name_f] and wanted to meet one since she learned of the name. Now I just have to wait and see if she is a she, and make sure that she is indeed a [name_f]Chrysanthemum[/name_f] when she comes.
