I’m tired of being judged.
I’m 29. I have a house, a stable job with a decent income, and I am in a loving monogamous relationship. I am responsible and take my and my child’s life seriously.
The one thing that sets me apart from any other young-ish mother living in [name_m]New[/name_m] [name_m]York[/name_m] is that I am not married.
My fiance proposed to me when we were straight out of college. We were too young, but I regret nothing. It’s now been seven years of us being together and living together.
Neither of us are ready for marriage yet, though I can see it’s a lot closer than what it has been.
We started being sexually active once we got engaged. We were not actively trying to conceive, but we also were not exactly trying to prevent it. I found out that I was pregnant, but that was not going to make us drop everything and get married.
When I told my parents, they didn’t speak to me until a month before I gave birth. They have since came around and are supporting me through this pregnancy thankfully.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] today, when I was in the grocery store, another older woman approached me about my growing baby bump. She asked me when I was expecting, and eventually she gestured to my hand.
“Where is your wedding ring?” She asked.
I explained that I was not married, but engaged.
Her mouth made an “o” shape, she muttered something unaudible and walked away.
I am perplexed. I completely understand that other people have different views about pregnancy outside of marriage, and I respect that. But that was just rude, no matter your views.
And that is not the first time I’ve experienced judgement. When I was enrolling my son in preschool, two teachers (!!) were extremely nasty to me as well as my son due to the lack of a symbolic ring on my finger.
I am not a trailer park hillbily. I do not sleep around. I just happen to not be married. My partner and I trust and love each other, and we don’t need a legal document to prove that (at least for now). :-?
Is anyone else in the same situation as I am?
For me it seems to boil down to 3 reasons for judgement in this situation.
- Close mindedness
- Old Fashioned Beliefs
Or 3) Religious beliefs (no offence meant to anyone, religions simply value marriage a lot)
I do not plan on marrying before we conceive if ever. I know some people in my life do not support this plan mostly due to old fashioned beliefs that marriage comes first. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and there is nothing extra that a piece of paper adds to a relationship in reality.
I have a noticeable engagement ring so I am not usually questioned about things, maybe put on a ring just to shut people up? It’s possible you live in a rather judgmental bubble area of people that think marriage is a make or break situation unfortunately. I am sorry that you have had these experiences, I would have trouble holding my tongue with those sort of people. You do you, and don’t let anyone pressure you into a big life decision you aren’t ready for.
Wow, that sounds awful… definitely very rude and uncalled for of the woman, and were you able to enrol your boy in a different preschool after interacting with two teachers who would be so judgemental?! It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough time with it, especially coming from your parents too.
Try to remember some people have had a sheltered existence and struggle to understand or respect that ways of life can be different to their own and yet still be absolutely fine. If they want to waste their time creating drama where there isn’t any and being judgy about others in a weak attempt at making themselves feel superior, it’s their problem, not yours, so as hard as it is try to let it wash off you rather than carry their crap with you. Or tell them upfront how rude they’re being if that helps you not have to relive it later!
Anyway yes, I’ve been with my partner for 8 yrs unmarried, not engaged, with no intention of marrying (he doesn’t want to). We own a house together and are planning on children. I’m lucky to live in a liberal area where no-one seems to care at all though, it’s more common among friends (some together 10 yrs before even becoming engaged, 1 already had 1 yr old at her wedding, etc), and I have family that aren’t particularly traditional either (in-laws never married, my own parents did but mother kept her surname).
People should mind their own business.
Happens to be that not wearing a ring is no reason to ask a question - I’m happily married for a while, and sometimes I don’t wear my rings, especially when I’m expecting and my fingers may have swelled up!! [name_m]Even[/name_m] in the winter when I’m afraid it will slip off because of the cold.
People care because of their own agendas. Their agendas should not have anything to do with you. [name_m]Just[/name_m] because I don’t choose live my life that way, why should it mean I should step on your toes about your choices???
I’m sorry you have to deal with these uncomfortable situations.
I’ve been engaged for 5 years and we are in no rush to get married. We have 2 children together.
My family has not taken this well. They are old fashioned, religious, and close minded. They believe marriage should come first and care very much what people will think. When I told my mother I was pregnant, the first thing out of her mouth was “when’s the wedding?” Not “congratulations!” or “I’m going to be a grandmother!” When I told my grandmother I was engaged years ago, she responded with “if that’s what you like”. When I was pregnant with my first, my mother bullied me for months to elope during the first trimester, so that I could announce my marriage along with the news of the baby. When I said no, she threatened me with my grandfather’s bad heart because “this may kill him”.
My grandparents are very religious and have given me a very hard time for choosing not to baptize my children. Ideally, I would be married first (in their church) to a man of a similar background (they have never supported my relationship even though we’ve been together for nearly 14 years).
People often don’t think before they speak. They don’t question what they’ve been taught or how they’ve been raised. My mother regurgitates what her parents tell her, despite being a grown woman and having very different beliefs. It is easier to attack me and convince me to go along with something, then tell her 80 year old parents they are wrong. My parents and I are recently estranged, for a lot of reasons, and it’s a long time coming, but largely because I refused to go along with it anymore. I refuse to be spoken to as if I’m less because I’ve made different life choices. You should be very proud of yourself: it sounds like you are doing a great job raising a child and finding success in other areas of your life. It isn’t easy, especially when the support isn’t there.
I’m glad your parents have come around. You don’t need the teachers or that woman to agree with you. However, they should be respectful. I’m sorry this happened to you. It baffles me that in 2018 marriage is such a pressing issue to some.
It is no one’s business but yours.
It’s funny - I got judgment about not living with my spouse before marriage, getting told often that my risk for divorce will be higher if we don’t cohabitate first.
Unfortunately a lot of people have difficulties keeping their unsolicited comments and judgments to themselves.
Not married, but in a long distance relationship with my twenty-five year-old partner, I’m twenty three. He lives in the USA and I live in Australia. I have had so many struggles with people not understanding our relationship. We’ve been together two years and he is moving here. I have heard several times how “sudden” it is, how we don’t even “know each other” and all these other ridiculous statements. I also feel like no matter what we do, we’ll be judge for moving too quickly etc.
I have friends that are religious. Most of my inner circle in fact and as much as I have some religious beliefs, but I am a lot more open minded, because my parents never forced anything on me. They struggle with the concept of premarital sex, moving in before marriage etc. I also work at a religious school, so I am really nervous that if my partner and I decide to move in before marriage, we may cop flack from people over it. Or potentially I could get spoken to at work. I got to church, but not regularly, so I am often judge from people for that as well. It’s hard to hear sometimes, but it’s helped develop a thicker skin and care less as the same time. Rather than rating my self-worth according to what others think. Hard especially when it’s your family though. So I definitely can relate.
We do plan on getting married at some point, though your plan does have it’s perks. It’s good to know I’m not the only mom taking a non-traditional route 
I will have to try the ring idea. I have an engagement ring, but after about the 2nd year of still being engaged, I stopped wearing it out to shut people up. You just can’t win:confused:
Yes, we were able to get him into second preschool (that’s another story):-?
They thankfully weren’t rude about my being unmarried.
As someone who does think that marriage is a big deal… I would NEVER say anything like that to anyone, ever, period. It’s important TO ME, but I am fully capable of understanding that A) it isn’t important to everyone, and B) even if it is important to the person in question, sometimes life does not go according to plan. I get super annoyed over things like this, this is why people assume that religious/more traditional people are intolerant and terrible! I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this, and I hope you’re not too down about it!
If it makes you feel any better… where I live, people kind of expect that you will get married, have kids pretty early, that’s just normal. But if I go anywhere else, I get comments on how young we were married (21/22), and FORGET about telling them that we were only engaged for 3 months. Basically, you just can’t win, and people should mind their own business FOR SURE.
I’d like to add a comment that counters some of the implications here - that being non-religious doesn’t make you more open-minded than someone who is religious. There are open-minded and closed-minded people in both camps (being religious is itself many different camps), and like I said, I got judged for the path I took because it wasn’t “secular” enough for my friends.
That’s totally obnoxious and inappropriate of people to judge you. I think others are right that it is about old fashioned cultural beliefs or religious beliefs, but most people know not to impose their beliefs on other people. I will say that marriage can provide some legal protections for you and your kids if something were to happen to you or your partner or you were to break up. It sounds like you are committed to each other and your family, so it might be worth getting legally married sooner than later for those reasons (no rings or wedding required).
Thank you for raising this abertawe! Really good point. I do apologise if my post implied that being non-religious makes you more open-minded, you’re completely right that that’s not the case at all.
The only ones so far that have given me any sort of problems, people whose opinions I actually care about, are my overly religious grandparents. Not only were they upset that I was pregnant without being married, they actually got onto my parents about how they didn’t raise me properly. It caused a huge rift in my family and it really hurt everyone involved. Luckily it only lasted about 2 months before they started to come around and apologized, but it still affects me even now. Mainly because when I see them with my son I kind of have that whole argument in the back of my mind and I still wonder if they even remotely still feel that I’m going to hell lol other than that I could care less what other people think of me. They don’t know me from a bag of bricks. I’m sorry you had to go through that and hopefully one day it will be water off a ducks back. People can be cruel it’s a sad part of life.
Yes! I totally agree with this one. I really hope my post didn’t seem like I was accusing religious people of being close minded. My extended family is all religious and they are some of the most loving people ever. My own parents were more judgmental than them…
On the other hand, I find that some non religious people tend to judge others for following a religion, though again not all.
It just depends on the person’s individual beliefs and what religion they identify as barely plays a role at all.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] an update on my previous post, the other day I was told that if I have my partner live with me (my parents and brothers) even for a month while he finds accommodation then I’m breaching my contract with the school and I will be asked to leave. To say I was hurt was understatement. I love my job and I pour my heart and soul into it. My mother rang up the Fair Work line and was told that if they fire me based on a very broad clause, basically that “I will adhere to the beliefs of the school” is all it says, they will owe me hundreds of thousands of dollars in settlement and it will go to the human rights comission. Due to bullying etc.
To be honest, all I want is my job. 
It’s all good 
I just wanted to point it out and thanks for taking the point well.
Making judgments and discerning what is right for your own path in life is important; propagating that to others that have not asked for your opinions and do not prescribe to your beliefs and customs just does no good and is irritating.
sodallas: I’m so sorry to hear that It’s a horrible thing for your employers to do to you: very hurtful given the hard work you are putting in, and even worse coming from a job that you love.
I wish I had good advice for you. [name_m]Will[/name_m] they even know whether or not he’s living with you? Anyway, it sounds from the information your Mum’s got that you’re in good stead to stand your ground, but what a tricky situation. Wishing you all the best for things turning out well.
Ahhh story of my life…
Teenage mom, not married, not living with her partner (yet!), with 3 kids lol. You can’t even imagine the amount of nasty comments I’ve heard. I’ve been with my partner for about 6 years now (since I was 12), so we ARE a stable couple, we are just saving money to go live together. I can manage my 3 kids on my own, I study my degree on-line, my partner works (and he has a good income), we are engaged, etc.
But yes, I’ve heard things such as: She must be a girl from the streets, she just sleeps with a different man every night, hasn’t she heard of condoms?, poor girl, these whores nowadays… Excuse me?
I know my life may not be everyone’s cup of tea but that’s not a reason for blaring out whatever crosses your mind on the first place! And not in front of my kids please!
Everyone has their own life and choices, and if they are mistakes or not is none of your business.
My family wasn’t happy either with my first pregnancy. I was 15, I wasn’t married, but they did like my boyfriend. The first thing that some suggested was abortion or adoption. They weren’t options for me, but they insisted. I ended up demonstrating that I am strong, and that I was ready to start my family. I proved them wrong.
Keep up with your life and don’t let anyone bring you down. 
I don’t concern myself with other people’s lives: I have enough going on in my own life!
But IF you want an honest opinion, I have one; I guess it is the fact that some people are “not ready” for marriage but have kids with this person, so one would think: kids are more of a commitment than marriage 
so, I may get blasted for this, but thats my opinion.