Worries vs Reality

Parentberries
1

Hey there mumma berries,

Hubby brought up TTC recently, and we had a big conversation about it. Trying to get on the same page in terms of “when” was harder than I thought. I also realised how anxious the thought actually makes me… I love babies and I definitely want babies… but I feel like I’m struggling to not think about all the negative things…

  • my time with hubby will be limited
  • losing freedoms (e.g. going out whenever)
  • body changes
  • losing myself / giving up personal space and time
  • I don’t like noise, clutter, mess
  • so many things are harder with a baby

… I’m just struggling with how much you have to give up to raise children…

So, I wanted to ask…

  • [name_m]How[/name_m] did you deal with these kind of feelings pre-baby?
  • [name_m]How[/name_m] did you know you were ready despite any worries?
  • What had been your experience? Were your worries justified, or was reality not as bad??

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate your input.

We mutual came to an agreement of TTC next year, so I want to be able to prepare myself mentally by sorting out some of these feelings.

Xx

2

Be realistic. A baby is not going to be on your schedule, at least not at first. And then, even if you get them on a schedule, that could (and probably will) change. And babies make noise. That’s how they communicate, and there’s no way of getting around that.

If clutter and mess stress you out, then make time to clean. A stressed out mommy is not what your kids need. But also realize that sometimes cleaning is going to have to wait.

A lot of parenting is flexibility.

[name_f]Do[/name_f] you live near family, or have good friends? Make date night/day with your husband a priority. But understand that your time could be spent talking about the baby.

My main point is, a baby is nothing you can be fully prepared for, so you need to be able to let go of that control.

3

You will probably lose the urge to go out whenever due to fatigue, and you’ll make more friends with people who are parents so that going out with your kids feels normal. I think you’ll both feel that you gain more than you lose. People are hard-wired to tolerate their kids’ poop, vomit, and other messes. You’ll be surprised how little it bothers you, even when it’s on you.

4

I had a lot of the same worries as you before and during my pregnancy. Reality is definitely not as bad as I thought it would be, in fact this has been one of the most rewarding times in my life. I wish I had let myself look on the bright side of things more before I had my baby.

  • Like PP suggested, do try to go on date nights if you have someone nearby who can watch the baby. Date nights at home are fun too (bottle of wine, nice meal, movie, talking). And if you can, try not to think of how your time with your SO will be limited, but how much more wonderful it will be with the addition of a sweet baby.
  • One reason we knew we were ready was that the prospect of not being able to go out as often or as freely didn’t bother us so much anymore. I’m not saying that you should wait, but definitely think about how important that is to you both right now. Like PPs said, it might not matter so much to you when baby gets here!
  • Body changes are inevitable and everyone handles it a little differently. I was worried like you are, but honestly, I’ve embraced the changes. I made a baby and carried her for 9 months! And giving birth is one of the most amazing experiences. Also, a note about recovery: I was scared about this but within a week or two, I felt so much better.
  • About the noise/clutter/mess–I was worried about this too but you will completely fall in love with your baby’s noises. The crying not so much, but all of the babbling is so fun. I don’t like clutter either, so I organize the house at least once a day so it doesn’t feel as chaotic. You will have to let go a bit though if you are an extremely tidy/clean person.
  • Things are harder with a baby but maybe not as hard as you think. I recently took my 3 month old on an airplane and it actually went surprisingly well. One plus is that the flight went so much faster than I remember! You’re so focused on your little one.
  • Have you talked with your SO about these feelings? It could be good to be on the same page with each other. Like, do you plan to split baby-care as equally as possible? [name_m]Will[/name_m] you both let each other get out of the house for ‘me’ time when you need it?

One thing I wish is that I had not let internet horror stories about parenting and birth scare me. It’s good to be informed but only to a point. Taking care of a baby is hard work but you will also experience the deepest love and most profound joy. You will fall in love with your husband all over again.

Anyway, I’m telling you the positive side of things because I wish someone had done that for me when I was anxious! I tend to overthink things and worry but I just didn’t know how amazing being a momma would be!

5

So, I didn’t really have any worries. I had wanted to be a mom for a very long time, and I have only ever worked with children, so there wasn’t much that would be a mystery to me.

Some key points for me were:

  • thinking of gaining family time, not losing couple time. Yes, you definitely have to schedule time in to talk to other adults (former co-workers, friends, your partner). It takes a lot more mental work to connect to other adults, but it is so needed. Also, many people will come out of the woodwork and contact you so they can see your baby (and not pay any attention to you lol). This can be great, but also super depressing sometimes.

I go out whenever. I know my baby’s schedule and we work with that. She comes to the passport office, shopping, to get my nails done (family friend is an esthetician out of her home. She painted my nails whole rocking my baby to sleep, it was amazing), to book club, the dog groomer’s. I just make sure her bag is packed, I keep all my stuff in there too, and off we go. she is not a hindrance at all. The hardest part was working around her 60 minute nursing sessions when she was 4 months and under. But even then, you start making a note of all the nursing/feeding/changing areas in the city. Babies R Us, Buy Buy [name_u]Baby[/name_u], malls almost always have nursing rooms. I would make sure to go by somewhere like that if I know we’ll be out for a while.

Body changes & losing myself are the two I struggle with the most… And it is SO hormonal. Regonizing that is a big part in keeping sane. My “best self” was adventurous, safely impulsive, independent… I don’t feel like that anymore. I know my daughter will love hearing stories from that point in my life, and I accept that providing stability and “the village” is important for her right now.

Clutter, noise, mess… You get used to it, learn to tune it out, and/or stay on top of it. And while they get so much louder, in a conversational sense, as they get older, they can also be entertained a little longer so you can tidy or clean without them freaking out. Plus, baby toys are enormous, so even if the room is a disaster with baby things, it takes 10 seconds to tidy up that stuff. Tidying an office is way more time-consuming.

I felt incredibly ready to become a parent. It has been as easy as I expected… Which is to say, it can be extremely trying sometimes. I have a pretty easy-going baby, and I am very in tune with her. She is easy for me, but she is not easy for everyone. I have shed so many tears since she was born. I think emotionally, hormonally, and physically, I was not prepared for how little control you have. I was extremely sick while pregnant, had severe post-partum complications, and a lot of problems nursing (both my baby and I had problems). I had spent over a decade looking forward to pregnancy and birth, and both were just so horrible. And that sucks, but is something I’m working through.

So the things I was ready to have be awful, like sleepless nights, crying baby all day, etc. never happened. The things I did not prepare for/ thought “That is such a fluke, it’ll never happen to me”, like a debilitating pregnancy and life-threatening complications, ended up happening and blind-siding me.

tl;dr
You can still be the most prepared person, and something will not turn out how you anticipated.
You will be sacrificing a lot. There’s no way around that… And the good news is that most of the time, you don’t even notice. And when you do notice, make sure you have a good support system so you can put yourself first. [name_f]Happy[/name_f] mom = happy baby, and everyone had a different way of getting to that place. You just do what’s right for you and your family.

6

Aww sweetie, I’m so sorry! I know exactly how you feel but, trust me, it’s not that bad!

I agree with this. You might have everything planned out, but then the baby comes and - boom! - your plans go out of the window. Maybe it’s just me, but I think the best way to parent is to listen to your heart. You will know what you baby needs once you adjust to your new lifestyle.

My daughter wasn’t planned so I only started worrying when I was already pregnant but I worried. A great deal. I kept thinking that I was going to be a bad mom, that my child deserved better parents, that it wasn’t the right time, that I was going to waste my life. I was young, unmarried, having just left my home country to be with my SO. He works in the music industry and lives in a very hip, bohemian place where everyone has long hair, a nice tan, some tattoos and an impressive wine collection, so I was worried I would never fit in, being a housewife and a SAHM.

But the things I worried about, like being trapped at home with a crying baby and no social life etc, never actually happened. [name_f]Nell[/name_f] was an easy baby - I would put her in her sling and take her with me wherever I went. My friends ended up adoring her. I even made some new friends when I took her to the park, soft play, etc. My SO and I got married, had another baby and are happier than ever.

To be perfectly honest, my body hasn’t changed that much over these years. It’s a bit different now, but it’s still my body and I feel amazing in it. I know not all women are that lucky but I managed to get back into shape pretty quickly. I don’t have stretch marks or saggy boobs or bad teeth, but my husband is a health freak so I guess it has something to do with him (and olive oil! Seriously, it’s amazing! It makes your skin super soft and prevents stretch marks, and it’s also good for treating split ends!). Well, I’m pregnant now so this might change, but all in all, I’ve embraced my body the way it is.

About the noise/mess…All babies are noisy, that’s true. My son, for example, is not a crybaby, but he will scream at top of his lungs if he’s hungry or bored or has lost his sock, etc…You don’t get used to it, but you learn to deal with it. Also, babies coo and laugh a lot and are adorable when doing so.
As for the mess, I am not super tidy, so it doesn’t really bother me. I keep [name_u]Teddy[/name_u]'s toys, clothes, pacifiers, diapers in his room so I don’t find them lying around the house. I also make my husband clean when I’m too busy with the baby. Once your kids get older, you can ask them to help you tidy up, too. [name_f]Nell[/name_f] is 5, and she’s mama’s little helper.

I also second (third?) the idea of having some me time every once in a while and going out on dates with your husband. Ask your friends/relatives to babysit, take all the help you can get. Like @[name_f]Lucia[/name_f] said, happy mama = happy baby.

And honestly, you seem like an amazing, sweet and kind person,
I’m sure you will be a great mom!

7

I always thought I would have children and that it would happen in my early 20s–but between working a dead-end job for years, having financial problems as a result, and not being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder until my late 20s, adding kids to that mix seemed impossible, and for a while I wasn’t even sure we should have them at all or that I would be any good at it (or able to mentally handle it).

With 30 looming, we decided if we were going to do it we should just do it. Our finances had stabilized somewhat. I was on medication and more or less balanced. I knew I would regret not having a baby. And so we just leaped. Maybe it was risky and unwise, but there never seemed as if there would be a perfect time.

I had [name_u]Finn[/name_u] shortly after my 29th birthday. Things were a shock from the beginning: our relationships with our families ranged from poor and stressful to estranged, so we didn’t have any real support and had to figure everything out in the moment. I didn’t produce enough milk which was stressful and disappointing and an unforeseen expense. Mentally I struggled a lot, having gone off my medication before I got pregnant, and then stayed off it in an attempt to breastfeed, so I was hit hard after the birth and exhaustion only made me feel more desperate.

In the beginning we were more of a couple with a baby than a family. Babies sleep a lot in the beginning. As long as you can feed them every two hours or so at first, you can still manage a lot of your usual things, it’s all about finding a routine and getting some sleep. I had a long labour (30+ hours) and needed stitches, etc. so there was some recovery time at first as well. But after those first two weeks, I started feeling more like myself.

As for noise and mess–yes, babies are loud. The real noise and mess came with toddler-hood (and our second baby, who we wanted close in age, so he was born when [name_u]Finn[/name_u] was 18 months old). That was a bigger challenge in many ways than one, because we didn’t feel like a couple with a baby anymore, the dynamic changed. And juggling a toddler and an infant has been its own set of challenges, just as I expect two toddlers and a baby will be when #3 comes. So it’s always changing. It’s different for everyone, every pregnancy is unique, every child, how many you have, etc. You will find what works for you and modify it as you need to. If time with your husband is important to you, make it a priority, put your baby in the stroller and get out, go to dinner, order in and watch a movie, etc. See other adults with and without kids. Ask for help if you can get it. Shower and get dressed and put on makeup–you’ll feel more like the person you used to be. And continue to learn and grow and do things for you, whatever that may mean–the happier and more fulfilled you are, the better you will be for your baby. You don’t have to lose yourself in order to give so much to another person, you just have to juggle a bit more and relax your expectations and prioritize what matters to you. You’ll be tired and have less time, but you can make it work. Whether that time goes to relaxing, improving yourself, your husband, your friends, or cleaning your house–it is your time and you decide where it goes. Your baby will take a large chunk but not all of it. You are still going to be you. [name_m]Just[/name_m] with a baby.

I lost a lot of the weight after [name_u]Finn[/name_u] but not all of it. When he was nine months old, I was pregnant again, and although I lost all of the weight after [name_m]Leo[/name_m] was born, I was still carrying an extra 15 or so pounds from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant with my third. I didn’t make it enough of a priority to exercise and eat well, I admit that, and am hoping to do better after this baby is born. I do have stretch marks as well but I’m not all that bothered by them. For the most part, I like my larger hips and butt and boobs that pregnancy gave me, and I hope they stay if I lose some weight! Pregnancy changes aren’t always bad! I’m also really proud I was able to go through both births as well as I did and having children was a bit of a confidence booster for me. I am more assertive than before. I have less time to worry about things and have to seize the moment to deal with a problem or make a phone call, so instead of stressing over it, now I just do it.

And I agree with the above: I think you are very sweet and I love reading your comments. I think you’ll be a great mother!

8

Stretch marks can be genetic, but even if you get them, you’ll probably notice them more than anyone else.

And your body will change after pregnancy. I lost all the baby weight and then an extra 10lbs after my first, and after my second I lost the pregnancy weight in a month. But my stomach has been stretched out, my hips have widened, my rear end has flattened, and my two (soon to be 3) cesareans have pretty much ensured I’ll never have abs again.

9

Those are great questions! I literally had all of the same fears. I was worried about my relationship with my husband, not being able to go out and have drinks when I wanted; I also hate cleaning, so I was worried about having a baby would increase that responsibility.

Well, when the baby came I didn’t care about any of that. My daughter brings me so much joy, and i genuinely enjoy spending time with her and watching her learn. I suspect that is true of most parents. I love every loud scream of joy that comes out of her mouth, and don’t mind that I can’t do things at the drop of a hat anymore.

However, with that being said, you can still be yourself. It just takes more planning. You have to plan things in advance and find a sitter you trust. You can still be yourself. You can still enjoy time with friends and time with your partner. You just have to be more proactive about it. Also, I second the “take a shower, do your hair, put on same makeup”. It will help you feel like yourself. I really prioritize that morning time. I know when my daughter wakes up and i just plan to be up earlier than she is.

The weight will come off, but you might have to work at it, just make a plan and try to stick to it. Easier said than done!

Enjoy the time you have now and the time it takes to conceive. But, you can still be “you” with a baby! Good luck!

10

Thank you so much for your detailed and honest reply. I really appreciate it! I know a lot of my worries are just my overthinking brain, so it nice to hear that a. other people have had the same worries, and b. they found that it wasn’t as bad as they expected.

Hubby and I have talked about my concerns. He’s understanding, and he was the one that encouraged me to talk to other mums and get their perspectives to try and help me deal with the anxiety. Yes, we will share baby duties and things. We have always had a “team effort” approach to things in our relationship.

It is nice to hear about all the positives, because my mind definitely strays to all the possible problems.

Thanks again.

11

Thank you for your in depth reply!

I’m sorry that you had to go through all those troubles with pregnancy and so on. That must have been hard. However, it is wonderful to see how much you enjoy being a parent, and that you feel in-sync with your little one.

You do have a good point… you can prepare for all sorts, but you never know what obscure thing may come up! I do know that on one level… but it still seems hard not to stress over things.

I like your point about “family time”. I am an introvert, and my husband is the only person I like to spend extended periods of time with (only other person would be my mum). So the idea of sharing my time with more people, and having less time with just him kind of freaks me out. But I am sure I will adapt to enjoy having children around… just like I adapted to having a man around haha.

Thank you for your encouragement.

12

It is really nice to know that I am not the only one that worries about all these things! Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. It really helps.

Awww… thank you! I certainly hope that I will be good at it. I very much look forward to being a mum, but I just worry about being good enough.

Also, congratulations! I didn’t realise you were expecting number 3! (don’t know where I have been to miss that haha!)

13

Thank you for these points. I found them really helpful and encouraging. I am kind of the odd one out in a few of my social circles, or at least I feel like it… Putting time into being me is really important to my sanity and sense of self. My hubby’s family in particular is old-fashioned, and I am very much not, and I don’t want to be pressured into a particular way of parenthood by them. Doing things our way is so important to me, and I need the space and mental strength to do so.

And thank you for your last comment - that is so sweet. I certainly hope so!

14

I love this! It is so positive and encouraging - thank you!

15

I will say that I’m very glad I had my kids young, I was 24 then 25 with my two. As I’m older now, I would not have the energy!