[name_m]Hi[/name_m] all! I’ve been missing for a while, but I’ve got a question for you.
My daughter is a year and 4 months, I adopted her almost a year ago and she’s doing really, really well. I was informed a last week by our social worker that her birth mother is pregnant with twins, and that unfortunately they will likely be removed from her care at birth. Obviously, as [name_f]Ama[/name_f]'s mum, and providing no other family member decides they would like to adopt them, I would be their first choice as adopter in that circumstance, and they’d like to get my decision a little while before the twins are born so that everything can be put in place.
My heart really, really wants to say yes. I’ve always wanted a lot of children, and it would be wonderful for [name_f]Ama[/name_f] to have some siblings. But my head is saying no. I have no idea how I’d cope as a single mother of 3 under 2, since the twins are due in [name_f]October[/name_f], especially since there is a possibility the twins will have some developmental issues. Currently, [name_f]Ama[/name_f] still gets me to herself the mass majority of the time, and I don’t want her to be pushed to the side, especially when she’s still so young. It would have been perfect if it could have been a few years later!
Has anybody else had twins and a child all under two? Would it be really selfish to adopt the twins, if I get the chance?
Ok. So I am not a mom of three (yet), but I worked as a nanny for two years for a family very similar to what you’re describing. They had three girls, and the eldest was 15 months when the twins were born. That family had a huge influence on what I now know about what I hope to see in my own family in the next few years. Granted, I was only with them for about 10 hours a day most of the time, and I got to go home to my quiet apartment at the end of the day and SLEEP. I was not their mom; nowhere near it. But I found out what it’s like to take care of 3 under 2 day-in, day-out for a long period of time, until the little ones were over 2 years old. It was HARD work. But honestly, with each passing day, I saw how close the three daughters grew. Despite near-constant crying and tantrums and fighting, I could see that they were all growing to be fast friends and that they will continue to grow thick as thieves and have a very special bond throughout their lives. The twins were born small, and one of the girls had longterm failure-to-thrive. She finally caught up to her twin sister in growth shortly before I stopped working for them, but there were a few really tough months from 4-7 months old when I had to feed her through an NG tube and she was in and out of the hospital twice. The challenges of caring for three tinies who cannot do much for themselves yet is not to be underestimated, but in that experience, the joys outweighed the trials. And beyond the first 2 years, things get MUCH, MUCH easier. Children are still challenging every single day, but once they could walk on their own and became more verbal, every day became more and more pleasant.
Working for that family and others who intentionally or unintentionally “baby-bunched,” I grew to want that for my own family. We have decided to grow our family through adoption for our #2. We plan on beginning our official adoption journey early 2018 (we’re expecting #1 in [name_f]September[/name_f]) and then TTC #3 beginning [name_f]Summer[/name_f] of 2019 provided that my body is recovered from this pregnancy. Hopefully between the unknowns of how long the adoption may take and how long TTC may take, we are hoping that by the end of 2020 we will have three 3 and under.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] I think you’re crazy? Maybe. [name_f]Do[/name_f] I think you’re selfish? Absolutely not. [name_f]Do[/name_f] I think this might be right for your family? I can’t be the one to determine that. The thing that would be weighing on my mind were I in your position is the idea that I would likely regret NOT giving my daughter the opportunity to grow up with her biological full or half-siblings, knowing that I personally would not be able to give her that chance when the timing might be a bit better. It is likely a chance you won’t have again. And while building your family with another adopted child from another family or on your own (I obviously don’t know your fertility history or anything else that might be relevant, but I also babysat for several new moms who were single-by-choice and went through the sperm donation route) may be a possibility in the future, this could be a meaningful opportunity to keep your family’s biological family close as they grow up.
I’m not a mum, but I am one of 4 siblings under 3 years. Yep, there’s twins in that mix. I am in awe of my parents, and while there’s no doubt it would so difficult, my parents very openly are happy that we’re so close in age, and they think the benefits outweighed the hardships. It may also just be my family, but the 4 of us are the closest siblings you’ll find - seriously, I’ve never found any adult siblings as close emotionally as we are. We’re best friends.
In fact, in a totally non-judgy way of anyone, I wonder if children who are still very young when they meet younger siblings are less pushed to the side than if they are older. I don’t remember meeting my baby siblings at all, and I guess I was a typical toddler demanding parent attention - whereas an older kid may be more likely to withdraw. It’s probably harder work on the parents if they’re younger, but perhaps hypothesis insert here easier for the kids.
Aaaaaand after that long-winded post, moral of the story is that if I had every choice I wanted, I would like to have my kids very close in age. I look at my family, and I look at my husband’s that is more spread out in age, and I look at my friends, and I want my children to grow up and be pretty much at the same stage of life, after those first few years. Of course, I don’t get that choice, we’ll have to see what happens, but it sounds like you do. Only you can say what’s right for you, but if I were you I’d go for it
Not a mom, obviously, but I grew up with a LOT of cousins and a little brother, and I would also like to adopt
You sound like a really kind person to want to adopt their other babies too, despite everything, but I dont think you should
Not sure if you’re okay financially but if they have some sort of serious disability it would be really hard to take care of them, AND your [name_f]Ama[/name_f]. Lets not forget that taking care of all of them would be exhausting
Plus, I agree that a child as young as that deserves all the attention she could get, I remember I got really upset when my little brother arrived and I was 4, not 1!
You 100% shouldnt feel selfish for saying no by the way, you are not responsible to take care of any of that woman’s other children because you got one, and if she really could not handle children why did she have more in the first place?
There are a lot of people looking to adopt, more than you think they are, so I wouldnt worry too much about them not finding a home unless their disability is truly serious
Obviously, you should follow your heart, but I am of the opinion it’s not worth it
I think you should follow your heart! [name_m]How[/name_m] amazing that [name_f]Ama[/name_f] would have siblings, especially since they will be her biological siblings too. I don’t think adopting the twins is selfish, but loving for both them and their big sister!
I would talk to the social worker about the developmental issues and find out as much information as possible (ex. why do they think there’s a possibility since she’s really early in her pregnancy). Also, keep in mind that many times they have to tell you this so if there is in fact an issue you can’t turn around and sue. If your heart says yes, then I think you should sit down and look at how the financial aspect would work out.
No, you would be giving your daughter the gift of growing up with her biological siblings. It’s much harder to form a bond when they are older, if you can. I met one of my siblings a few years ago and we are almost complete opposites due to our different upbringing.
I’m not sure the laws where you are, since you aren’t in the US. If you decide against taking the twins you might want to see if it would be possible for your daughter to remain in contact with the individual or individuals who adopt the babies.
@medfordkung Thanks! [name_m]Just[/name_m] out of curiosity, do you know if the girls are still close now? What would you say was hardest about looking after them? I wish you on your TTC and adoption journey!
@easterbunny I had never thought about that before, about young siblings being less pushed to the side as they are still very needy. I remember being pushed to the side when my siblings were born, but I was very much older.
@emievis Thanks for answering, its good to get a differing opinion. Believe me tough, I am fully aware of just how many people want to adopt a baby; I was on the list for five years before I was matched with [name_f]Ama[/name_f]! And I know people that were on it for 10+ years.
@ottertails Thanks for replying! I’m actually already aware of why there’s a possibility they might have developmental problems, it’s the same reason they thought [name_f]Ama[/name_f] might (though she doesn’t appear to). I am also in a very lucky position that for the next few years, money will not be an issue. I will certainly ask about the possibility of keeping in contact with the twins adopters if I don’t adopt them, but I’m fairly sure its not generally allowed.
The girls are even closer now. They’re best friends. It hasn’t been that long (this was only a few years ago) but the eldest is in first grade and her sisters are in kindergarten.
The hardest thing about taking care of them was how overwhelming it could get at certain moments when all three were crying (especially if it was for all different reasons, and especially because they would often feed off one another when they cried and essentially vie to see who would cry loudest). There were moments when I just had to stuff myself in the closet and take deep, deep breaths, and I know their parents often felt the same way. You simply don’t have enough hands to physically take care of them all at once, and that can be a very overwhelming feeling. But the good times definitely overpowered the bad.
First I would like to say, you are the least selfish, biggest hearted person I know. Only you know what is right for you and the family you are creating, and you have made great choices so far. My only advice is don’t forget you need to be your best you particularly as a single mom, to do the best for your children. Only you can answer if you can be your best for three children so close in age. But you definitely are strong enough and have enough love for all of them; you have proven that simply by weighing the option. Many blessings to you!
@vidri I read this post and wondered what to say, yet I wanted to offer some words of support and admiration.
I think you are a brave, strong and selfless person to consider this. I also think that there is no greater gift you could give your daughter, then raising her two biological siblings as your own and as her siblings. I think it is so sad to see children who grow up hardly knowing or seeing their biological siblings. They’re basically just like friends that they see occasionally. I am a passionate believer that families should stay together if at all possible, forsure siblings, because that can be a bond like almost no other.
I know three little sisters born in three years, and they are/have so much fun. I think it was quite high maintenance child care when they were all in the 2/1/baby stage, and yes since they are so close in age even now they have a fair share of fights and tussles. But they are also so close, they always have each other to play with and entertain each other. It is a beautiful bond.
But that being said, only you know if you can manage this. You said money is not an issue, so what about time? Mentally? Physically? Emotionally? I think it’s an amazing opportunity for you and your daughter, but if you don’t think you could cope, then do not do that to yourself. Only take them if this feels completely manageable to you. I truly wish you all the best with your decision and raising your little one or ones!
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] all! [name_m]Just[/name_m] thought I’d give you a quick update:
Our social work told me a couple of days ago that [name_f]Ama[/name_f]'s birth mum is in fact pregnant with one child, and not twins. It’s definitely given me the final incentive to go through with the baby’s adoption, if I am able to, since I was strongly leaning towards adopting the twins anyway.
