Would you continue reading?

Okay, essentially what the title says. If you opened a book and read this first section (let’s say you are in the bookshop and the cover looks interesting, but you don’t read the blurb), would you keep reading, or would you go ‘meh’ or ‘heck no’ and put it back down? I am quite far into the story, and I am just wondering if the opening does it justice or if I should reconsider. Please be super super honest. If you hate it, let me know- I have a thick skin, and I just want to make the story better. It’s not polished at all yet (first draft), but here it is:

[name_u]Robbie[/name_u] Durshamp watched as [name_f]Millie[/name_f] left the house, baby on her hip, suitcase packed. Running away to chase the dawn. He could have gone after her, but it would have hurt too much, and not done any good. He’d seen what would happen if he tried to stop her. He’d seen it so many times before. So he let her go, watching from the windowsill, angry tears pooling in his eyes. She never looked back. That was what hurt the most.

He sat in the sun on the front porch, curiously empty. The house felt lonely without her sitting next to him, hand bumping his as they watched the baby crawl around in the dirt. He often thought we did good, hun, but [name_f]Millie[/name_f] didn’t feel the same. She felt empty. It wasn’t enough for her to have a house and a babe and a husband who loved her as best he could. They both knew it wasn’t enough, but they never said it. [name_u]Robbie[/name_u] always hoped he could make her love him in a way that was beyond duty, a way that was love because she couldn’t help it, and it pleased her that she couldn’t help it. He always hoped he could make her feel the same way as he did about her, with her unhappy smile and tired grey eyes.

The days passed in a dull drawl. He watched the driveway, hoping he would see the little figure tramp back, ashamed and crushed, tiny baby oblivious, dirty, muck down its front. They wouldn’t say anything, and it would all fit back together, their little mosaic life on the hilltop overlooking the pear trees. But he knew she wouldn’t come back, that she would never come back, whether because she didn’t know how or because she didn’t want to, he didn’t know. He missed her, the idea of her, the little way she had smiled with crooked lips when they woke side by side. The way the baby would cry and she would be exhausted, sallow, dark bags cutting her thin face. That was what had made him happy.

[name_u]Robbie[/name_u] worked the farm, milking the cows and slashing the fields. People asked him about [name_f]Millie[/name_f], but he didn’t say anything. He would have said that she was good, and that the baby was well, but he didn’t know. Sometimes, when the night was velvet black and terrifying, and the mirrors reflected his face back in half light, he would wonder if they were rotting at the bottom of a culvert somewhere, the sweet death smell rising off them in plumes.

Those thoughts always seemed ridiculous in the morning light, but the midnight hours brought their own monsters.

So that’s pretty much the opening. Yay or nay? Be honest- I won’t get upset, promise. Any suggestions are welcome too. Thanks.

Yes, it sounds really interesting!

@readwritename Thank you.

Honestly, I feel like the caliber of writing is really quite good. Of course, it still needs work, but it does seem rather intriguing. I like that [name_u]Robbie[/name_u]'s pining over [name_f]Millie[/name_f], and it has this grit and reality I feel like a lot of secular (by secular, I mean just general fiction; in general, I read inspirational/[name_m]Christian[/name_m] fiction, and that’s what I write, as well) readers would be interested in (and feel is good writing). For me, no, I probably wouldn’t keep writing. And it’s not because it’s not well-written, and it’s not because it’s not interesting (because it is). I don’t know how else to explain it, but there’s a hope in [name_m]Christian[/name_m] fiction that I need to be able to invest in when I invest in a story, and I generally can’t get that from general fiction, so I generally don’t read it. Not unless it’s something epic, like classic literature or something like The Hobbit or The [name_m]Lord[/name_m] of the Rings or even some of the dystopian trilogies that are out there right now. I think my sister would read it, but I wouldn’t. Sorry. I’m incredibly picky about the stories I’ll invest my time in, though, and I hope that makes some semblance of sense, what I’ve written. It sounds interesting, though, and I think lots of people would be interested in continuing to read it. :slight_smile: It’s just not my thing, I think.

@ashthedreamer Thank you for your honesty- yes, it still needs a lot of work (first draft). Thank you for being upfront about the fact that you wouldn’t personally read it, and I completely understand where you are coming from. It is very much a story of redemption and hope with fantasy / imagination as well (I would explain it more, but it probably wouldn’t make any sense without me writing out a whole blurb, which I don’t think anyone wants to read :)), though that obviously isn’t displayed within the opening (maybe I should include a hint of that? I don’t know.).

Thank you again for taking the time to read it :).

Definitely yay! You’ve given the audience a reason to sympathise with the MC by showing his wife leaving and the hurt that’s caused him and the characters seem pretty deep and realistic. I can totally imagine some blokey farmer pretending nothing’s happened when he is hurt and worried on the inside. You’re showing, not telling and there’s no great infodump about a troubled marriage to bore readers with - you’ve shown that through [name_u]Robbie[/name_u]'s thoughts.

I tend to be more into YA or fantasy or dystopia novels, but I really like it, although I’m not sure where it’s going. For the people who don’t read the blurb before picking up the book (I always read the blurb!) I’m guessing it’s some sort of romance/get-back-up-onto-your-feet type of novel. Not the stuff I would normally read, but I’m a teenager so you have to take that with a grain of salt, there’s plenty of people who will want to read it. It’s great so far!

@cheshirekat thank you! It is actually more fantasy (I’m not really a romance novel girl myself), and it makes more sense as to why that is as you read on (the opening is also sort of the end in a way, if that makes sense). But I see what you mean that people would probably think that if they just started reading (I never read blurbs until I finish the book, but then I also read magazines back to front, so I might just be odd.). Thanks again for taking the time to read it- it really does mean a lot to me.

Agreed :slight_smile: I’d need to see the blurb to know whether or not I’d read more though, purely to know if it was historical or fantastical in any way. I don’t really do modern stuff so that would definitely be the deciding factor.

Wow. It’s really really good. It’s easily as good as anything in publication. Hopefully berries can get signed copies? I will certainly be reading it… esp. since you said it was a fantasy novel. I’m not a fan of the romance genre. In what time period is it set? That question didn’t need to be answered in the opening, I was just curious.

@renrose, Thank you, that really means a lot to me :). It is fantastical, although I don’t introduce that immediately: I don’t really care for that many contemporary drama / romance novels either- I should probably write up a blurb, just so everyone has a better idea. I’ll do that soon- it seems most people don’t have the odd I-refuse-to-read-blurbs-until-I-have-finished-the-book-and-already-know-the-story-inside-out habit I do.

@rainydaygarden Thank you so much. Wow- you’re really really nice. It is just the first draft, no editing yet, so I guess this is a pretty good sign :). Ha ha, yes, Berries could certainly get signed copies (if nobody thinks that a bit pretentious of me :)) and if it ever makes it to publication: I’ll finish it, I’ve almost finished the first draft, but whether or not an agent and a publishing house will take it is a whole other ball game.

This part of the novel is set more in the 1950’s / early 1960’s. It is quite isolated though, and a small section, so it isn’t as though there are girls running around with Twiggy do’s and mod dresses, or high society ladies in Dior’s New Look- they’re in the country, so cotton house dresses for Millie, and jeans and scungy button down flannels for Robbie, with fairly limited technology. Most of the novel isn’t set in this world, so then the whole time period thing becomes a bit irrelevant for most of the story.

Everyone’s been so nice and helpful. I feel like someone is going to go ‘ha ha, April Fool’s- it’s actually total rubbish.’ :slight_smile:

Now that you mentioned it’s fantasy and the whole different world I’m really intrigued…

Sorry, the name [name_f]Millie[/name_f] immediately put me off. It makes me think of nasty little mealworms.

I think it’s good, but I think it could be much better. It’s a ton of exposition right off. You’re trying to get his feelings across, and succeeded, but I think it could be stronger. It’s a little heavy on the tell rather than show.

"Sometimes, when the night was velvet black and terrifying, and the mirrors reflected his face back in half light, he would wonder if they were rotting at the bottom of a culvert somewhere, the sweet death smell rising off them in plumes.

Those thoughts always seemed ridiculous in the morning light, but the midnight hours brought their own monsters."

That’s when my interest was piqued, and the start of something better than good. I’d start right there, if this were my book.

I can’t read a single paragraph of a story until I’ve read a blurb, but if I read a blurb and it interested me enough to read the first page, I’d probably consider buying the book. Definitely not “rubbish” :slight_smile: but I think it can be better.

It’s really well written, you’re a very good writer.

I personally would have a hard time deciding whether or not to read the story. First off, I’d read the blurb beforehand, and second, I probably wouldn’t want to have to read that far to see if I were hooked or not. I agree with redwoodfey, that part of the story was where I started to be really interested.

It doesn’t really give off a fantasy feel, but I’m guessing the blurb would explain a bit more (I believe you said it was more of a fantastical novel? Forgive me if I misread.). [name_m]Just[/name_m] from this, however, I would have automatically pinned this as a realistic novel. Not to say that’s a bad thing, but I am personally much more interested in fantasy.

Keep writing! From what you first posted (and the posts subsequent to that), I would love to read the final version!

Thank you everyone! So many great suggestions. Yes, it is a fantasy novel. Thank you again everyone.

Does this story call for the mom to take their son. Are they married? Seems like it’s just missing a sense of real life, like the father fighting for some custody, visitation of their child. I’d like to see something that gives the man a bit of hope. It’s depressing but it did intrigue me and I would keep reading. We rarely see stories where a dad gets sole custody because the mom leaves. It sound like this story might call for that more. [name_f]Millie[/name_f] sound like she regretted marrying, may have married him too soon, doesn’t like life on a farm. It’s great but first draft and final draft may end up completely different. Okay that is two or three different thoughts. Great opening, I’d like to see something a bit different for [name_u]Robbie[/name_u]. I’d like to see dialogue too. I’d like to see him have some legal custody of their child. If those things would ruin your story then don’t pay any attention to me.

@scblovesnames, thanks! Yes, they are married, as becomes clear later (I didn’t really want to give everything away during the opening). He doesn’t fight for custody, the reason why becomes apparent a bit later in the novel, but it makes sense. There is dialogue (don’t worry- I don’t like those dialogue free, solely internal monologue books either :)), but not in the opening. Pretty much on the second or third page there is though.

@redwoodfey Thank you- I definitely see your point about the exposition and I really appreciate your honesty. I have definitely taken on board your advice about the starting point, and I’m considering that-Thanks!

@sturges6 Thank you! Yes, it is a fantastical novel, but I didn’t really want it to be one of those novels where a unicorn can just drop out of the sky and the MC goes ‘oh, look, a unicorn! I thought those weren’t real’, or if the wife leaves, all the husband has to do is say sorry, or rescue her from a dragon, or vice versa :). I did aim for a bit of a gritty, realist feel, in spite of the fantastical happenings, so hopefully that isn’t too contradictory :). Thanks again.

It seems interesting.

Really, really well written. Definitely one that I’d read.

@alchemicallypurplefairy and @abbyheartsyou Thank you both so much :).