Young baby, I just need to vent

Parentberries
1

I just need to type it all out somewhere anonymous. I don’t want advice. There’s way too much advice. Some days are just hard, is all.

I’m very lucky to have a beautiful, healthy bub, and to have had no difficulty conceiving, I know that.

But we’re 2 1/2 months in and I’ve never had more than 7 hours total sleep in a day. We’ve crept up from an average of 4 to an average of 5-6, so that’s something.

It just feels like no part of this introduction to parenthood has gone smoothly. It hasn’t gone awfully, I’m really very lucky there too. But it hasn’t been the exciting happy time I’d imagined. I didn’t get hyperemesis, but morning sickness was still awful. Terrible nausea, food aversions to everything such that I was sipping on powerade and nothing else. I felt awful, and lost 5kg.

Then there was some calm pregnant time… until the discovery that baby wasn’t growing properly. Talk of “if we have to take her out before 32 weeks”. Two ctgs a week, a growth scan every fortnight. The stress of constantly being asked about movements from midwives, obstetricians… when I could always go hours without feeling any movements at all. But we made it to full term.

I’d hoped for a natural birth in a birthing centre. I ended up induced at hospital, with a balloon catheter that failed, then gel that worked too quickly. I reached the pushing phase with only my partner for support and being repeatedly told by the midwives that I wasn’t actually in labour, leaving me feeling pretty desperate and wondering how I could possibly handle the pain getting any worse if this wasn’t actual labour. Then the pushing phase just didn’t work, I was already so exhausted, I kept being told to push harder or for longer but I couldn’t. 3 hours no luck, meconium in the waters, constantly being told “we can see the head” only for it to disappear, then fetal heart rate showing signs of distress, culminating in ventouse and 3rd degree tear all with no pain relief.

[name_u]Baby[/name_u] wouldn’t latch or feed properly. Due to her small birth weight this was an extra worry. It took 6 weeks of a 3-hourly cycle of struggling to wake her for feeds, trying her at the breast, cup feeding, pumping, sterilising, recording how much she’d drunk, how much I’d expressed, trying tube feeding at the breast and nipple shields as well, trying to fall asleep fast enough to get 1.5 hrs sleep between feeds, being anxious about the next weigh in, struggling to boost my supply when it got to a point I could only pump 20-40 mls.

Then the reflux started, and the clingy stage. She only sleeps on me during the day. Needs to be suckled to sleep. Doesn’t bring up wind easily, often does the most awful pained cry, or whimper. Wakes up and vomits within 10 mins of going down. Our pet cat died of an asthma attack because she hid when she was having trouble breathing and I was stuck inside holding a screaming baby while my partner was at work, knowing that our beloved cat was dying somewhere and that if only I could find her I could save her life. But the baby wouldn’t stop screaming, and I looked under the house and everywhere I could but I couldn’t find her. Then our pet chooks got sick with red mite. I hadn’t been as attentive as usual, we’ve been so busy with the stressful pregnancy and new baby. I didn’t see the mites. We’ve tried to treat it but they don’t look well at all. I want to spray the coop again today but I’m stuck here with the baby and I think one of my chooks is out there dying. But the baby’s so refluxy today. It’s a constant cycle of screaming, vomiting, dozing on me, pooping, screaming. I won’t be able to put her down or in a bouncer for 10 mins let alone long enough to clean out an re-treat the coop.

I want to chill with a cup of coffee but I’m trying to give up dairy and caffeine to help with her screaming and reflux. I want a glass of wine but I’m breastfeeding. I want a nap but she won’t let me sit or lie in any position where I can do so. Hell, getting enough water would be good. The house is a tip and the washing needs hanging out. I can’t bear the grief of losing another pet. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t know it would be THIS hard, y’know?

2

I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on, and I can imagine you feel like you’re being buried and can’t make your way out of it.

As someone who has been there, I’m sending you a virtual hug, and giving you my permission to have that coffee and glass of wine (although maybe not at the same time)

3

I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. Your little one is still very new and I promise things will indeed get easier. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have family or friends who can hold her for an hour while you unwind a bit? I struggled to ask for help with my first babe and it made it that much harder. You are only one person and you need to take care of yourself. I wish I could just stop by and help out. Hang in there!

4

Hello kiriko!
Im so sorry you are having a rough time. I completely know how you feel. I know you dont want any advice but if you do want any pointers I have a couple of things that kept me sane. My son is 2.5 now so im on the tail end of the crazy baby days. My son [name_u]Rory[/name_u] had a terrible birth, reflux until he was one, colic, teeth at 8 weeks old, he also wouldnt be put down to sleep and he fed every two hours morning and night for the first 4 months. You absolutely can get through this rough time! Give yourself a treat after a rough day, mine was and still is a can of coke and a tube of pringles. I hope you find a few ways through soon! And please feel free to ask for help! I had no one so if I can help let me know :slight_smile: x

5

No advice for you because, as you say, you’ve no doubt heard it all (and probably want to scream at the next person who says “try to sleep when baby does”!)

But sending lots of virtual hugs. That sounds like an incredibly tough start to motherhood, you must be super strong to have made it through all of that. I’m so sorry to hear about your cat, what a horrible thing to happen. I hope things start looking up soon.

Does the baby sleep in the car? My daughter would only sleep on me for the first year, but she did sleep in the car so I used to go for a half hour drive and listen to the radio or an audiobook for a bit of “me” time. That or a walk with the baby carrier and a podcast. I know it doesn’t help with the exhaustion but it did save my sanity on a few occasions!

Good luck.

6

I know that it is impossible to believe that things will get better when every single day feels about a month long.

There are parts of your post that I could have written myself, and I’m so sorry that you’re struggling right now.

I’ve heard the newborn phase being referred to as the “100 days of darkness”, which was often accurate, in my experience.

Soon, your baby will look at you and smile, and you’ll start to feel all the love you’ve been giving being reflected back at you. Be proud of yourself, for making it through, for striving to feed your baby precious breast milk, even when it’s impossibly, achingly difficult, and for reaching out for support.

PS. You can certainly have a glass of wine.

7

This resonates with me.

My daughter is also 2 1/2 months old and nothing could’ve prepared me for the stress of a very long labour and looking after a newborn. It’s all so much to take on those first few weeks.

I feel bad saying so but I eventually had to exclusively formula feed due to an infection and it changed my life. Would you be able to supplement at all?

Also, not sure if this’ll help but when I do chores I put baby in her baby carrier and take her around the house with me, it usually sends her to sleep.

I also have a pet cat and my heart bled reading your post, I’m so sorry for your loss. I still feel bad that mine doesn’t get the attention he once did now that baby’s here and I don’t think he understands why.

You’re not alone in this and I want to thank you for sharing your story, things will only get better from here.

Seeing my little one smile when she wakes up in the morning makes everything worth it. (She’s only started doing so in the last week or so and it still gives me butterflies)

8

Thank you all so much for your words, they helped immensely. :heart:

Lectionn needing to formula feed is nothing to feel bad about! Did you really find it better though? The mixing it up and warming it and sterilizing bottles all sound so full on!

9

Not Lectionn, but I formula fed my babies as well. Honestly, for the first three months I used the ready-made formula, and after that I would just make sure that the water was warm (not hot) and would use the bottle and nipple brush to clean it after every use. I did sterilize the bottles, but only once a week (if even that).

10

Thanks! I still find myself explaining why I formula feed even though I know that I shouldn’t feel I need an excuse.

I use the perfect prep machine (tommee tippee) it creates a formula bottle in 2 minutes and is honestly a lifesaver. Jensowvlen’s suggestion is also good and I have ready made on me whenever I go out with her.

11

We used ready made formula sometimes and whenever we went out (didn’t have to worry about keeping bottles cold or warming them wherever we were). We invested in a bottle sterilizer–just wash the bottles with a brush and pop them in there for a few minutes and done. We would make batches of formula once a day and keep them in the fridge, then when needed, put the bottle into a pitcher of boiled water until they were warm. Compared to living on the pump since I was barely producing anything, it actually was less time consuming for me.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. It is such a hard time that nobody really talks about beyond “you will never sleep again.” There is so much more going on with pregnancy and birth and healing and a new baby beyond that. Those first few months were the hardest for me with both babies and then it began to get easier (with little setbacks here and there). It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job keeping her well fed and comforted and thriving–I hope you can find a way to give yourself the same attention. Have the coffee. Have the wine. Take a shower. Whatever you can manage, whenever. But know you are doing great and this won’t be forever.

12

Oh girl. My first daughter was pretty tiny and pretty needy, so I totally feel you. Kid would barf and poop while eating, on each breast. [name_m]Flat[/name_m] out refused formula. (My other kids took formula and boobs so it was way easier for me to grab an extra nap while daddy took a bottle shift. It’s exhausting having your life revolve around someone else. I’m not ashamed to admit I totally let Azula sleep in a fisher price swing as often as I could, just for some sanity. I know you don’t want advice, but for your mental health take a long bath, have a glass of wine, eat whatever makes you feel good. Look up on youtube ways to rub babies tums for gas - theres like an s, kind if figure 8 thing you can do that was life changing for me.

If you are feeling constantly overwhelmed, talk to your doctor about it. PPD is real and sometimes a mama needs a professional to boss her around.
Call your parents and cry, whatever you can do to get a little help.

One day, she’ll be eating solids, and sleeping through the night, and potty trained. Newborns are rough, but it gets better. [name_u]Love[/name_u] to you.