Tell me what you think of these characters please? Thanks!
This is based in a boarding school.
[name]Sinead[/name] [name]Donahue[/name]-[name]Hampton[/name]: Main character. 16 1/2. [name]Ginger[/name] hair and green eyes. Very pale skin. Teased and bullied at school. Is very quiet, and but “speaks” through music. She has had a hard life. She doesn’t get along with girls.
[name]Jack[/name] [name]Thompson[/name]: [name]Friend[/name] at boarding school. 15, blonde and blue-eyed.
[name]Lucy[/name] Correl: [name]Jack[/name]'s girlfriend. 15, blonde with very big blue eyes. Looks innocent and quiet.
[name]Liam[/name] _______: [name]Sinead[/name]'s best friend. brown hair and blue eyes, very casual. Loves music, plays guitar.
[name]Sinead[/name] [name]Donahue[/name]-[name]Hampton[/name]: [name]Major[/name] [name]Mary[/name] [name]Sue[/name] alert. Her name is too much. Her personality is a bit cliche feeling, but it’s not a bad one at all.
[name]Jack[/name] [name]Thompson[/name]: Feels like you just threw the name together which high-lights the [name]Mary[/name] [name]Sue[/name] feel of [name]Sinead[/name]'s name.
[name]Lucy[/name] Correl: Ehh, nothing interesting about her name or personality.
[name]Liam[/name] ____ : Nothing interesting about his personality either.
@east93 [name]Sinead[/name] has a double lastname because when she was born she was adopted by the [name]Hampton[/name] family (which is a very close family friend.) because the [name]Donahue[/name] family couldn’t look after her AND her twin. She was treated a bit [name]Cinderella[/name]. Her real brother died from a car crash and she found out that she was actually a [name]Donahue[/name]. SO far she just goes by [name]Sinead[/name] because she doesn’t want any lastname. Yeah.
Sorry, but I still get the mary-sue vibe. Especially with the explanation.
Adopted by family friend’s because her parents couldn’t have her, then she has a twin, and her brother died in a car crash, and she’s treated poorly.
It’s too much imo, but maybe it works for your story. I don’t really know, however as an outside potential reader, I would get a [name]Mary[/name]-[name]Sue[/name] vibe, unfortunately.
I don’t know enough details to decide but your MC sounds interesting. Can you please answer some questions for me?
Is there a reason your MC doesn’t like girls?
Is there a reason she is bullied at school? Who are the bullies, and why? Have they too had a hard life?
Is there a good reason why she is treated [name]Cinderella[/name]-ish? I would only think a character like that was [name]Mary[/name] Sueish if there was no good reason for her being treated like that. Any reason at all will take you out of potential [name]Sue[/name] territory, excluding jealousy. While we’re there, if the other characters have similar backstories then this will also detract from potential [name]Mary[/name] Sueness. I also suggest equalising the names a bit. [name]How[/name] about just [name]Sinead[/name] [name]Donahue[/name], or maybe you could give another character a double-barrelled surname.
You said [name]Lucy[/name] looks innocent and quiet, but is she innocent and quiet? Or is she very sad or very angry deep down? Also can you tell us more about [name]Liam[/name] and [name]Jack[/name]? What are their strengths and weaknesses?
She doesn’t like girls because she has been bullied by them all her life. Boys treat her with a bit more respect.
She is bullied because of her unusual looks. She has very,very pale skin and she has natural orange ginger hair. She never talks. She is bullied around home by her adopted family. They treat her like an outsider.
She isn’t treated like she should be. her adopted family is very snobby, her three older sisters aren’t jealous of her, but they are just constantly bullying her, with words and sometimes actions. She was born as a [name]Donahue[/name], but her adopted family’s surname is [name]Hampton[/name], and she has been [name]Sinead[/name] [name]Hampton[/name] all her life.
[name]Lucy[/name] isn’t sad or angry, she has a shyish nature and she’s not the type of girl that would go crazy over [name]Justin[/name] Bieber, or [name]One[/name] Direction. She’s a…hmm…let’s say…a “Classical” girl. The one who would play the violin, listen to [name]Mozart[/name], giggle softly when she is happy, wears floral dresses.
I didn’t actually have much time to type the traits of [name]Jack[/name] and [name]Liam[/name]. [name]Jack[/name] is a jokster, a car enthusiast, singlets and shorts, surfer sort of guy. [name]Liam[/name] is more laid back, sitting under a tree playing guitar, writing music, “hey let’s go for a walk along the beach”, but he has a more…“fun” side to him, “hey let’s have a SPRINTING [name]RACE[/name] across the beach”, jump of a water fall, go to a party kind of person.
Sorry that I didn’t explain it in the first place very well, and I’m not 100% sure on [name]Jack[/name] and [name]Liam[/name]'s names yet.
