2 vs. 3 kids

Parentberries
1

We have 2 children under 5. DH and I always wanted to have 3 kids, but after having 2 high maintenance infants (both with reflux…ugh) we thought we’d be done. As my kids have gotten older and the memories of the first years are fading, we are both considering having a third…but we cannot make up our minds. For the past year, we go back and forth about whether or not we would like to, and it seems like when I’m for it, he’s against it, and vice versa.

We try and think through the pros and cons of having two vs. three. Three would give our children an additional sibling…such a blessing. We’d have a bigger family which seems really fun (we are both from big families). We are doing fine financially, but two kids definitely allows for more lessons/sports/experiences/vacations, things I would like to provide for my kids. In all honesty, saving for college with two completely freaks me out…I can’t imagine saving for three. And I get scared about that first year with a baby as it was so tough with my other two. My husband has reflux, so I’m betting on the fact that my third will also have it. And we are moving away from family this summer, which means our support system will not be nearly as strong as with the first two.

I’m a person who can usually think through things and decide what I want very quickly, and it is surprising that this decision has been so tough. I think I could be happy with two, but I don’t want to have regrets down the road.

Anyone else have trouble with this decision? What factors did you consider that helped you make your final decision (going with 2 or 3)? Sorry for the rambling…thinking out loud :slight_smile:

2

We had similar deliberations when deciding to add a second child into our family. We both had always said we wanted two kids but after having our daughter, for multiple reasons, DH wanted to stick with having an only (until recently). In the end his main sticking point was the financial considerations, but because he too in his heart of hearts really wanted another we were able to work things out moneywise. It’ll be tight, but worth it in the long run!

I don’t really have any advice, but I hope you and your husband can come to a decision that leaves you both at peace :slight_smile:

3

Going into our marriage I said I wanted 4 kids, and he was adamant about only having two. We agreed to compromise on three… and then we started breeding.

Our first was a pretty easy baby, all things considered, and DH had a lot of time off work so there was two of us and one of them :smiley: Then the second one came earth-side 17 months after the first and she was probably just a typical baby, but not at all what we were experienced with. She wanted to feed all the time. Woke a zillion times at night. Puked every time she ate, and sometimes even when she hadn’t eaten… She came out of me screaming and just never seemed to stop.

It was at that point the husband started talking about his original plan of just having two, and for a while I thought maybe I wasn’t strong enough to have three anyway. I had bad PND, he didn’t have any leave from work, we had a smaller support system. There’s two of them and one of me and I often feel like I have a lot of children.

But with that said, I knew I’d regret not having that third baby. I would also regret waiting too long as well (I’ve always intended to have back-to-back pregnancies, I’m close in age with my sibling and thankful for it every day.)
So when baby two had been making me miserable for six months and it was time to start TTC it was hard. I bet I sounded a lot more sure than I felt! But my arguments were that it was hard with two because when one kid has me the other doesn’t. With three, when I look after the baby the other two can play together. There’s always someone to have fun with. I also argued that by the time the third one is born the other two will be older and thus easier.

So we went ahead and got pregnant. I’ll have three under three for a couple of weeks this [name_u]November[/name_u].

For a little while I regretted baby 2. But now? They are friends already. They make each other laugh, feed each other, comfort each other when one is sad. [name_u]Baby[/name_u] 2 is so much braver than my eldest, she’ll get in there and try things and make friends - and it is only when her sister sees her doing it that she herself gets past her shyness to go have fun too. Sometimes I think having the second one was the best thing I ever did for the first… and so I can only imagine how wonderful it will be with three, once we get through that first gruelling year.

The bonus is that I know my limits now. I know what sucked last time, and I’m making plans to help myself this time so I don’t end up lost and helpless in those dark places. So my best advice if you do decide to go with #3 is to plan for your post partum period. Put aside money for things like home delivered food or a nappy washing service, a maid, or a baby sitter once a week. Be realistic about the kind of help you would best benefit from and make a plan.

The first year is hell. But what is one year to a lifetime of happiness? [name_m]Just[/name_m] my thoughts! Good luck :slight_smile:

4

We just recently contemplated having a 3rd,but decided to stick with the 2 we have! Top reasons on our list were living comfortably and not having to buy a larger vehicle. Top reasons on my personal list were not wanting to wait as long between our first 2,but not having any leave at work saved up, not wanting to have to breastfeed for another year of my life, not wanting to have morning sickness again because it would likely be even worse if I got pregnant again. My 2nd pregnancy also left me with unresolved issues with thrombocytopenia.

I also pointed out that we have never had to deal with a miscarriage, and I consider us very lucky. I don’t want to risk it. We will stick with our 2 and love them a little extra.

5

[name_m]Reading[/name_m] all of your stories are actually really helpful! @mirimouse, yes the first year is so miserable. Your advice was great though. I like thinking about the older two playing together while I deal with the baby. @nannster, it’s nice to know you had the same concerns and went for #3 and you don’t have regrets. @stephykneejo, most of what I read online are stories of people who have trouble making the decision and then decide on 3 kids. It’s nice to hear that you went with 2 and are happy with that decision. I think I can be happy either way, but we just need to make a decision.

6

I’m expecting my second around Halloween, and we would like to continue and have a third, and possibly even a fourth, child.

My first is somehow both a good baby and very high need. She was a poor sleeper, and although now she sleeps very well she needs a strict routine and will not nap or sleep away from home. [name_u]Day[/name_u] trips are impossible. She requires a lot of attention and was never content without it. She was a baby that wanted to be not only held, but walked around for hours, held in a very specific position, shown things, and played with. She would only sit in a swing for about the first three weeks of her life. Moms who told me that they showered while the baby was in the bouncer were speaking a foreign language.

I think mostly all of this was her personality, and some a lack of our ability to reach her to self soothe. If our second is as high demand, I don’t know what I’ll do, and we will not have a third until my daughters are old enough to be more self-sufficient, probably school-aged, and I don’t want to have kids that late, even though I’m young enough where I’d barely be into my 30s. Personally, even though being a mom is something I absolutely love, I don’t want to spend my entire adult life raising kids.

If my second is a more laid back baby, we will go forward with our plan for more.

Another consideration is my health. I had somewhat rough pregnancies - blood pressure low enough to cause regular fainting/unable to drive with the first, and morning sickness requiring multiple hospitalization with the second. It didn’t seem bad with the first. With the second, I felt like I was traumatizing my daughter, I missed her in the hospital, I felt guilty for not playing with her and guilty for needing so much help from family, and worried about the effect on my other obligations. I do not know if I want to do that again with two kids. If we move away from family (a real possibility) after the 2nd, I don’t know [name_m]HOW[/name_m] I’d do it with two.

When my newest LO gets here, I may laugh hysterically at the naive plan for more children that my current self has. But for now, the reasons I want more trump that: bigger more fun family, my kids having more support and playmates, general happiness, my somewhat cocky belief we can raise awesome little humans, less of a burden on our daughters when we age, and so on.

If I don’t have more biological children, we’ll likely consider adoption, and are seriously considering becoming foster parents in the future. That will give us many of the perks we want with more kids (playmates for our kids, positive relationships for us, the chance to impact and shape a child’s life, etc) without the health repercussions for myself, and, (although most foster kids do need a lot of special care and attention) the neediness of a newborn