[name_m]Hi[/name_m], Berries! I hope this query is not misplaced (if it is, please let me know…)
[name_f][/name_f]
I am turning 25 soon and it’s got me thinking about my future as a parent. I know I want to be a mom, but I do not have an SO (and, truly, never really have.) I know I am young and have time, but I’m feeling really discouraged about becoming a parent at all. Part of me thinks I should hold out for having some sort of SO, but another part of me feels it may never happen, or at least not on the timeline that allows me to have a child.
[name_f][/name_f]
Has anyone else been in this situation? Did you decide to become a single mom or hold out for a SO? [name_m]Can[/name_m] anyone relate? I am feeling so alone in this, and everyone else I know is coupled up or doesn’t want kids at all.
[name_f][/name_f]
Again, I hope this isn’t misplaced as I’m not a “Parentberry” but I am just looking for some advice/ someone to relate to.
I became a mum via an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner and solo parent. It is exhausting her dad is very much involved and a brilliant father but it is still on me the majority of the time so I can tell you that is exhausting. I also know that even though my daughter is everything to me if I could relive my life I would much rather follow a path where I was in a commitment relationship and our child was planned rather than be on the path I’m on. Motherhood is rewarding I love seeing my child grow into the person she is the love, joy and fulfilment she brings me. I would never change being Lilia’s mum however it is exhausting and absolutely relentless. The physical and mental load of motherhood (especially single motherhood) is overwhelming my overall mental health has suffered greatly not having anyone to really share the burden of raising a child with is a lot. Your freedom is taken away, your ability to prioritise yourself even when you need too for example I had to discharge myself from hospital against my doctors wishes when I was passing a kidney stone because I had no childcare, the financial strain of raising a child as ultimately when your the main caregiver all finances fall onto you, the emotional fallout when you strive too provide the best care but struggle as everything else falls onto your shoulders so it’s almost impossible to do all you want with your child that mum guilt is real and the sheer responsibility of completing all tasks for your child is too much. I am a feminist very much a supporter of women making their own choices regarding their lives which includes their individual journey to motherhood but I do believe being in a healthy partnership is easier when raising a child. I can see how children benefit from a village especially a two parent happy household (I also have many many friends who are single mums who say the same thing) and I think I would encourage someone who is thinking about becoming a solo parent to really think about it. Parenthood (motherhood especially) is really romanticised in our society (purposefully of course society needs people to birth children to keep society running) but it’s not a walk in the park it’s more of a marathon in the park! So I am not discouraging you from being a solo parent but I would really weigh things up and think before embarking this beautiful marathon that is single parenthood.
I know some people choose to be single parents by choice and I know it can be hard when you feel like your biological clock is ticking, but being a mum is hard work (even on great days) and I can’t imagine doing it without an SO to back me up, give me breaks, and keep me sane on hard days. (This is coming from someone with a pretty chill baby, too.) Maybe going it alone is managable if you have really close and supportive family and friends, but even then, I don’t think that could compare to the support of a commited partner who is right there in the moment through thick and thin. There is also the practical side of things, like finances and stability, to consider.
@tori101 That was a very personal and raw thing to share. 🩷
Probably not who you were after for a response but I find myself in a similar-ish boat. I’ll be 21 soon and being a mum has been on my mind since I was 15 so I was ecstatic (and probably lucky) when my baby sister was born when I was 17 but I digress[name_f][/name_f]. From about 15-17, I had my ideal plan in mind because that’s how I thought it had to be: meet a guy at school/uni, date for a few years, marriage(?), kids [name_f][/name_f]- though admittedly I never thought too much on the marriage part. Jump forward, I will graduate next year and if I was still going by that plan, then in theory, I’d be no closer to having children than I was when I was 15. I can’t exactly remember when I started considering being a solo mum [name_f][/name_f] – it has been a few years now – and it’s certainly not a decision I made lightly but it’s something I have chosen for so many reasons. And I’ve found the more I’ve researched and planned and listened to resources (by [name_f]Alisha[/name_f] [name_m]Burns[/name_m] for example), it’s solidified my decision.
[name_f][/name_f]
Obviously this is still a good few years away [name_f][/name_f]- after graduating uni and getting financially prepared etc. And I’m fully considerate of the ups and downs that will come with being a solo mum and the challenges that will come with it – it certainly can’t be understated, – hence preparing as best I can [name_f][/name_f]- having my sister 5 days a week and juggling full-time uni gave me at least a small glimpse into what it’d be like and I imagine I can only be more equipped in my late 20s/early 30s than in my late teens[name_f][/name_f]. Families come in all shapes and sizes and though I can absolutely understand how beneficial the ideal of a happy household with two parents is for children, at the same time, two parents may not necessarily equal a happy household either. For me, what’s important is a happy household and the child receiving love and support [name_f][/name_f]- whether that be from two parents or one parent, family, family friends etc.
[name_f][/name_f]
I’ll finish by saying, I completely understand the pressures of planning for the future – seeing people I went to school with in long-term relationships, buying houses, getting married and having children has definitely made me more aware of what I want in my life – so you are certainly not alone!
I wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember. I was always dreaming of my future babies and the little family that I would have. I didn’t marry my now husband until I was 28, so a few years older than you. I was worried it was never going to happen for me either and I ended up meeting my husband when I wasn’t even really looking for a relationship because I was so content with my life. I feel like I hear friends say that all the time. That when they were happy with themselves and their life and everything in general, that’s when they attracted the partner they were always dreaming of!
[name_f][/name_f]
Being a single parent is HARD. [name_f]My[/name_f] job has me working with single parents or parents in difficult situations and it’s very hard both for the parents and sometimes the kids. I know many amazing single parents who are super moms/dads because of all they do for their kids. They don’t get breaks or to trade off with their partners. You then have you factor that in when dating in the future that you have a child who is impacted by your future partners as well.
[name_f][/name_f]
So I haven’t fully been in this situation before. But I know how hard it is to wait and be wishing so badly to have babies. We went to a fertility clinic to have my son and they can work so many miracles when trying to conceive. I have friends in their late 30s having healthy pregnancies and babies. So I wouldn’t count yourself out yet. You never know what’s waiting for you just around the corner.
[name_m]Hi[/name_m] there. I used to consider becoming smbc. I was single for a long while, losing hope in dating, and I knew I want babies. I think being a solo parent is such a brave decision and I admire those who pursue that path. However, in my case it just wasn’t the best idea. It would be very difficult on me financially and I simply would have no support system (my family has a lot more traditional views than me and I didn’t even bother asking them, I know they would 100% oppose it).
[name_f][/name_f]
So seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, I decided it to just wait it out.
[name_f][/name_f]
Years later, I met my husband. I got married a few months before I turned 30. Right now, I have an almost 2 months old baby boy. I love him so much, but some days are just really so hard. I’m physically exhausted and mentally overwhelmed. We don’t have a “village” to help raise our child, and I wouldn’t be able to survive this without my husband’s support. I’d like to echo the post above about how motherhood is rewarding, yet definitely too often romanticized. Everyday I feel so grateful to have him, but there are moments where I just miss my old life, my peace and quiet. [name_f][/name_f] And then I feel guilty over it.
[name_f][/name_f]
I’m not saying you HAVE to wait it out the way I did, just that at 25, you don’t have to have everything figured out. Hell, a lot of people in their 30s and even 40s don’t either. If you decide to one day be a solo parent, it would be best to not have everything falls on just you. Find your support system first if you haven’t had it, because trust me you’d need it.
You’re not alone, I always wanted to be a mom and I grew up in a culture where women get married very young and start a family young. So when I was 26 and still had no solid prospects I was very discouraged and thought my chances for parenthood were slipping away (and tbh looking back now I realize how quickly things can change in such a short amount of time, I was engaged by the next year married right before I turned 28 and had my first baby at 30). But I’m now married with 2 kids and trying for our 3rd. And I have friends who have just gotten married and had their first kids in the past couple of years well into their 30’s. Everyone’s time line is different and as hard as it may be you really can’t compare. And there is no one right or ideal path.
Becoming a single parent is definitely an option but it comes with a lot of responsibility. Especially if it’s a single mom by choice with no other parent at all. For some women it may absolutely be the right choice, and single mother’s amaze me with their strength and ingenuity and dedication. But now going through raising children it is not a choice I would make personally, I definitely need that support of a partner, especially at the very beginning of my parenting life. Being a parent changes your life in ways you can’t even imagine and regardless of being a smbc or not you need that strong support system behind you.
I too always wanted to be a mama. For as long as I can remember I wanted a child of my very own. [name_f][/name_f]I was extremely lucky to meet my current partner when I was 16 years old, and we are still together 19 years later, not something many relationships that started that young can say. [name_f][/name_f]However we only just had our first child last year. If I am to be completely honest, I never pictured being a first time mom at 34 years old. I imagined being a twenty something mom, married at 23, kids by 25. But I am SO GLAD we didn’t have children all those years ago, even with our struggle to conceive/carry. I was very eager to be a mom but the life experience I have had instead, going to college, travelling, learning myself, buying houses, cars, having pets, building our dream life, just made having our baby that much better when we did. I feel so much more confident as a woman, a person and a mom having waited. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been, emotionally, physically, financially everything is better for having waited. [name_f][/name_f]On the financial note, kids are NOT cheap, even with gifts, second hand purchases etc, the monthly costs can be staggering. Diapers, wipes, clothes, extra food for you if you are breastfeeding, the cost of formula if you don’t breast feed, and at 6 months the baby starts eating real food too. They grow out of clothes super fast, they need toys, books, various things for learning and enrichment. I always say to picture the ideal life you want to provide your child, and plan accordingly. [name_f][/name_f]You are absolutely still so young so do not feel like you are on a tight deadline or time line. Don’t rush into being a parent. Once you have a baby your life changes in the most profound ways, some for the worse and I’ve seen a lot of moms struggle with their loss of independence and spontaneity. [name_f][/name_f]I think anyone that chooses the single parent by choice route is incredibly brave, and while I support that journey completely, I can say that I am incredibly grateful and lucky to have a supportive and involved partner. The hours in the evening and weekends he’s home are so needed some days, because even as much as we love these babies, it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and some days you count the minutes til Dad gets home so you can pee without someone crying (including yourself!)
I was raised by a single mom who in a lot of ways didn’t want me/was at an age where she was done being a mom and definitely not expecting to be pregnant. In a lot of ways, observing what she went through made me determined to not do it myself so, instead of starting at 25 or so when I would have preferred, I just had my first at 31 almost 3 weeks ago since I didn’t meet my husband until I was 26. And I will say that, not even 3 weeks in, being alone with him all day is an exhausting joy (because hooray [name_f]America[/name_f] and no paternity leave) but I would crumble if it were just me all the time and my husband wasn’t coming home from work to help in the evenings and weekends.
[name_f][/name_f]
So I have a small, very teeny tiny taste of single motherhood during the weekdays and that experience, along with my own childhood, is enough for me to encourage waiting.
[name_f][/name_f]
[name_f]Remember[/name_f] that women can have children into their 40s although conceiving can[name_f][/name_f] become more difficult doesn’t mean that it will[name_f][/name_f]. I would personally reevaluate at 30 if no one has come along and maybe try online dating with being open about your desire for children (it worked for me!).
Regarding timing… I was ready for babies at 18. I didn’t meet my now-husband until I was 29. Most men (I found) take a lot longer to grow up. He was 34 when we met. I am now 36 and he is 41 and we have 2 kids. The timing was perfect for us and I’m so glad I didn’t have them earlier. I’ve grown up so much in the last 10 years and I’m a far better parent for it.
But my sister is a Single Mother by Choice. She has 2 kids now and it is exhauating but she finds it absolutely rewarding. She had her first child with 26 and the second one with 31. She loves every day of it.
But seriously it is very very hard financially and sometimes emotionally. She told my oldest daughter a couple of days ago that she would always do it again. But the treatment is pricy amd paying for everything alone too.
I habe a huge amoubt of respect for her because she is doing all of it alone. But she and the kids (9 and 4) are really really happy and are living their life to the fullest.
My sister always said she is lucky to have me and my husband as a help and our parents too. We sometimes babysit the kids. But aside from that she has mever asked for help or acceoted help.
we’re very nearly the same age so I’ll chime in as someone in a similar position as you!
ive gone back and forth about my plans for babies and partnership. for a while in college, I found the prospect of dating and relationships very stress-inducing (I was also a closeted bisexual, so it was likely a mixture of not feeling emotionally ready and not realizing that dating outside of just boys was an option). at the time, I decided that I wanted kids more than I wanted a relationship, and began planning my life with this in mind—not completely writing off the possibility of a relationship but not placing it necessarily ahead of having kids.
since then, ive changed my views on plans of kids and a partner. it’s helped significantly that I realized that being with a woman is an option, and I have a much easier time picturing myself in a relationship with a woman vs a man, which has helped in feeling less anxious about dating. at this point, ive realized that I do want a partnership with someone—maybe not a marriage but a committed, monogamous, romantic relationship. however, there isn’t a time limit on finding love; there is a biological time limit on having kids. so if I find myself in a position to have kids on my own, im going to take that opportunity, regardless of my relationship status.
I understand what challenges this would pose, but ultimately I know that I will not feel completely fulfilled in life if I dont have kids of my own. I would love to share that journey with someone else, but necessarily placing a partnership ahead of having kids feels like it creates the possibility of rushing into something (for me, at least; I can’t speak for anyone else). and although I know that with modern medicine, it’s possible to have healthy pregnancies later in adulthood, I don’t want to feel like an “older” parent when my time comes.
but for now, im not financially or emotionally prepared to be a parent, and probably won’t be for another few years at least. if I find a partner in that time, then fantastic, but im not going to put off having kids if im not in a relationship.
Thank you all for your genuine & thoughtful responses, I appreciate this community and all of you endlessly [name_f][/name_f] [name_f][/name_f] I am trying to get back to you all and will eventually, I’m just taking all of your advice in!
[name_f][/name_f] [name_f][/name_f] I am trying to get back to you all and will eventually, I’m just taking all of your advice in!