[name_m]Hi[/name_m], all! I’m 21 weeks pregnant with my first after a long IVF jounry, and after a lot of initial resistance have (rather reluctantly!) warmed up to the idea of having a baby shower—as long as it can be a casual, co-ed gathering. Think more of a modern celebration with friends and family rather than a traditional mom-centered event.
The more I thought about it, the more I loved the idea of inviting our friends, family, and their kids. I realize that many will likely choose to leave the kids behind or have just one person attend, but it felt nice to give them the option. However, as I started making the guest list, I saw how that drives the numbers way up.
So here’s my question: would it be rude to invite just one person from some families while inviting the whole family for others, depending on things like geography or our relationship with them? I’m trying to think creatively, given we’re somewhat limited by the time of year and the weather. Would this come across as rude, or is it reasonable under the circumstances?
Congratulations! I think that’s awesome you’re trying to have an inclusive event like that. We did a co-ed shower too and it was great. It did make it feel more low key and I liked that my husband got to be involved with opening gifts and playing the fun baby games.
I think inviting kids is a nice thing to do. Especially if you’ll be playing games and having food. I think kids would fit in just fine to that.
I don’t think I fully understand your last question. Are you saying you’d invite some families but then invite just one person from other families like just Aunt [name_f]Susan[/name_f] but not her husband and kids? If that’s the case, I could see that coming off a little rude. Especially if they see other kids there or other families there and wonder why they couldn’t have brought their whole family. I’d either just invite less people overall so that people can bring the whole family if they want or have separate parties if people live really far away. We did one baby shower with my husbands side of the family about 2 hours away where they all live. Then we did another baby shower with my side of the family. People could come to whichever one was closer and we just did it at our parents houses so it kept the cost of it really cheap.
I agree, having different invite rules for each family might lead to some people wondering why they were “treated differently” for lack of a better word. It’s easier if you have some kind of guideline you could apply with all guests, for example “you and a plus one are welcome”.
If that’s too difficult then it might be worth paring down the guest list or having separate parties if that’s feasible for your situation/budget.
Invite who you want to invite. No one is entitled to be invited, and certainly not entilted to be mad at who you do or don’t invite. If you only want a couple of people from family A, but 12 people from family B then that’s your choice. Guests have no right to demand who is or is not invited, and if people get upset about it then they should remember that this is your party and it’s a gift to be invited along. You don’t owe them an invitation.
We had a large family / friends / everybody baby shower. It was great, but I sympathise with the long guest list. We split our guests up into first and second round invites. Once we got so many apology rsvps from first round invites, we started doing secondary invites.
Good luck with your party planning! And remember, this is for you - do it the way you will enjoy it. Xx
I think it would be rude to invite some families and exclude some families… I’d choose one or the other. I think like you said some people wouldn’t bring their entire family anyways. Sure, you CAN invite who you want and it IS your party… but I have empathy and would like to be inclusive and don’t like hurting peoples feelings, so I personally would not.
Etiquette wise, yeah it would be rude to invite some families and some singletons.
Though I totally understand your dilemma. And while I do think you should get to invite who you want and don’t want. These are people that I’m assuming not only love you, but that you also love them and while someone you love should be understanding of your circumstances, regardless of them being understanding it still would hurt. And I wouldn’t want to do that to someone I loved. And on top of that I wouldnt want my baby shower associated with negative emotions and hurt feelings.
Ugh what you’re describing is what I wish I could have done at my wedding…. But alas yes it does come off as quite rude to party goers when there are different rules for different people / families.
I’m going to be that person who comes in here and says, invite who you want!! It is your party to celebrate your baby who you’ve waited long for. It is your money, your time, and your happiness! Please don’t waste it on people who you really don’t want there.
I will say, there is obvious circumstances that I wouldn’t support this idea. For example: You’re inviting all of your first cousins, you’re just as close to cousin 1 as you are to cousin 2, but cousin 1’s kids can be a little bit annoying. I’d still invite both families or neither family. Now if it’s something totally different like a first cousin’s full family versus a second cousin who you only see a few times a year’s full family, discretion can totally be applied.
Essentially what I’d say is that if you’re not inviting someone for a reason that could be considered as “petty” (which I really don’t want to accuse you of or even use that word ), I would advise against that, but if it is genuinely for a reason like your relationship closeness with them, then do what you want. If you put yourself in their position and would be able to completely understand the reason the full family wasn’t invited, than that’s fine.
I’ll throw out a personal example here: I see my first cousin once removed (T, I’ll call her!) pretty often and watch her children regularly, making us relatively close. I see my other first cousin once removed (M, I’ll call her) rarely infrequently, we’re not really close, but will talk if we see each other. I’d totally invite T’s whole family (including her husband) to my own baby shower, because I’m close with her whole family, but I’d probably only invite M to my baby shower, because I don’t see the family often. [name_f]My[/name_f] rule would be, “If I saw this person in public, would I go out of my way to talk to them?” if it were a couple, and if I were to extend that to any possible children, I’d say “Would these children recognize and say hi to me in public?” Something menial like that can really show who would understand being or not being invited! And if they don’t want to understand it’s a pretty good show of their character.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this is understandable and could perhaps help a little!
Thank you so much for the input! And yes, that is what I meant—but I knew even in asking that it was not really OK. We are just in a pickle because we both have very large families, so inviting families + friends to one event gets logistically complex. And we live several states away from our families so don’t want to have to make two trips. [name_f]May[/name_f] look at doing two different events in the same weekend…
yes, totally hear you. it was kind of a question I asked already knowing the answer but somehow hoping I was wrong!
We just both have VERY large extended families, so it gets to be impossible to include everyone, make it co-ed (a priority for me), and still invite friends (also important to us!). We are flying in as we live several states away so the usual obvious answer of having two events just doesn’t work for us, but we might look at trying to do that in the same weekend. Thanks again!
Thanks very much! That does help a lot, and yes, your example (of when this would be maybe ok and not petty) is what we are thinking. But we have landed on either a) not inviting any kids (save nieces and nephews) or b) having two different events on the same weekend. Appreciate your help!
), I would advise against that, but if it is genuinely for a reason like your relationship closeness with them, then do what you want. If you put yourself in their position and would be able to completely understand the reason the full family wasn’t invited, than that’s fine.