I’m curious if there are any “One and Done” berries here, or are only children themselves, be it by choice or circumstance.
My DS is 7 months old and for the life of me I feel like I cannot decide whether to have one more. DH and I both grew up with siblings which had its upsides and downsides. If it were up to him, we would probably have one more, but obviously it is my body and every day my decision is different.
For me, the biggest disadvantage to having one more baby would be the division of our resources (time, money, emotional/mental wellbeing). The biggest advantage would hopefully be a lifelong friendship between my son and his potential sibling.
Anyway, if anyone wanted to share their own experiences I would be grateful to hear other perspectives!
(Also just to be clear I don’t believe the negative stereotypes about only children and those would not sway my decision)
I don’t have any children currently, but S/O and I have always agreed we would only have one on purpose, and possibly at all. The idea of more is alluring, as a name nerd mostly, but we both grew up in full houses (I have 7 siblings & he has 3) and the division of parental attention, resources, ect. especially as neurodivergents was something we did not appreciate. We were also both “parentified” in different ways, mainly because we were the working oldests most of our growing up time, and that is of course something only having one child would help us avoid. And while I have a mostly good relationship with all of my siblings, my S/O is basically no-contact at this point with his entire family because of his poor relationship with his siblings, so that is something that always “hangs” over us with this decision. We were basically raised the same way, but you can never guess or be in control of how your kiddos do or don’t get along and the lifelong repercussions of that. I do like the idea of my child having a sibling, but again, there is no real way to know beforehand if they’ll even get along enough to have a cordial relationship let alone a close one.
I don’t have anything against multiples, and we have intentions of possibly fostering in the future if we don’t end up having biological children, but with our schedules and living situation right now one would honestly be more than ideal. I also always have the thought of what life experiences and bonding activities I could do for my kids, and the logistics of how to do that in the way I want with 1 vs 2 vs more than that. For me personally, I think having just one would be the best way to pour as much love and attention into a kid to hopefully be able to raise them in a way we have a lifelong, healthy relationship with.
Sorry for the jumble of thoughts but I totally get the idea of maybe sorta wanting multiples but just raising one child being the most ideal reality
Thank you so much for your thoughts! I resonate with a lot of what you said. [name_m]Even[/name_m] from just a namenerd perspective, it is hard to imagine naming one baby when I have so many favorites and honors I would still like to use. Of course, my logical brain knows this isn’t another reason to have another, and quite honestly neither is “giving my child a sibling” because we can agree that the sibling relationship is often fraught. They may have totally different personalities, be too far apart in age to bond, one could develop a disorder or illness that effects the family as a whole, etc etc. But I guess it’s my own biases and worries that have me feeling guilty (“I had siblings I’m close to now so I have to give my son the same chance”). Not to mention, it is hard to accept that everything my son does will be the last time we get to experience this milestone- although, I’m trying to mentally frame this as something special and precious, not negative.
Sorry for the long response, but I also love what you said about the logistics of having 2 especially as a neurodivergent, which I also am. I am a nanny for multiples including my own son, and while I love seeing them bond, I truly struggle dividing my time and attention between them, and I am so much happier on the days I only have to care for my baby. I don’t have to constantly say “Ok just give me one second” “Please stop fighting I am almost done feeding the baby” “Okay I’ll get that for you in a minute as soon as I’m done with this” “Please don’t run around the house with your dirty shoes on, we are about to leave I just need to get the baby’s bottle” etc etc etc. it REALLY changes the whole dynamic of parenting having one versus more.
I am a single parent to my three year old daughter and sometimes a daydream about having another child. I also feel bad about my child not having the opportunity of having siblings that mum guilt is a challenge
However the reality is that I think being part of the one and done parade (which I see myself belonging too) is that I think it has so many plus points which just aren’t discussed. You can put all your resources into raising one child, you’re more liberated and have more freedom with just one child, financially things are easier as you do not have to split finances with other children which means you can pay for your child to do all those extracurricular activities and invest finances into their childhood that you may not be able to do with multiple children. You can recharge mentally and physically with one on a more regular basis. You do not need to navigate family dynamics between siblings which can be challenging as the reality is sibling relationships can be tough. You’re not necessarily going to birth a life long friend for your child. I think that romanticised thought process is naive. I have lots of friends with children and the parents who struggle the most are the ones with multiple children. Navigating those resources and dynamics is hard! Parenting is hard! I think for me I just ensure [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] has lots of play dates and time to play with children her age whilst also working hard to make sure we have a strong bond
I dont have personal experience but I do think there are benefits and drawbacks to both. And no matter which one you choose your child is going to be missing out on something, and gaining something that they wouldn’t have had otherwise. And as @tori101 mom guilt is real no matter which choice you make.
Idk where I’m going with this other than to say whatever choice you make will be the right choice for you!
I grew up with 2 siblings and my hubby grew up an only child. He always wished he had a sibling, he often felt lonely at home, and I love having siblings, so we are having our 2nd now soon after our first. It’s a very personal choice how many children to have but that’s how we feel about it. I’m not personally worried about dividing time/attention bc I know things will work themselves out and they will also take each others time and attention eventually lol so I can get more done throughout the day on my own. And as far as resources, kids don’t need all the fancy things they’re not as important as a strong family unit. 2nd baby will be using a lot of hand me downs and that’s perfectly fine. They won’t mind and as far as college, we wouldn’t be able to fully pay for even 1 child to go to college, we put 50% of our annual child tax credit into a 529 and also send a link to it for family to donate to on holidays and we will do the same for this coming baby so they will be even. All the other cash they get for bday and christmas go into CD accounts for savings as well. I’m so excited to give my son a sibling personally!!
Sure, kids fight and things may be more chaotic at times but we are ready for that and still excited about it!
[name_f]My[/name_f] son is 2.5 and I’m just in the last few months even entertaining the idea of a sibling for him! I had a really hard time with infertility and struggled for 3 years to get pregnant. Then I had a high risk pregnancy which caused me a lot of anxiety about if my baby was okay the whole time. Then I really struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression and my son had some allergies and health issues that were really tough the first year of his life. After all of that, I didn’t know if mentally or physically I could ever handle another pregnancy and newborn stage.
Now that my son is older, I love the idea of giving him a sibling! He’s very friendly and wants to play with other kids. I think he’d love having a brother or sister to play with every day. It’d be great for him to practice things like sharing and empathy with a sibling. I like the idea that he’d have a sibling to do life with too. I’ve watched basically all of my friends have a second baby already by now and I feel like I’m way behind now.
I do have worries still! I worry that TTC, pregnancy, and/or postpartum will be the same as with my son. I’m not sure how I could survive it having a toddler to take care of as well. We also don’t have tons of extra money and I’m not sure financially how we could add another kid in the mix. We’ve gone on a few vacations since my son was born and I like the idea of being able to travel and do things with our son. I also like that we get to divide up the parenting load nicely. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I still have time for our own hobbies and get nice one on one time with our son.
If you’re on Facebook, there’s a group called One and Done On The Fence that I love reading stories in because lots of families share similar concerns and worries. Unless there’s a medical reason, there’s no need to rush your decision. I’m thinking now a larger age gap will be great for our family so even if it takes a while TTC my son will still have a sibling! (hopefully)
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I both have one younger brother. And we both feel differently about it! [name_f]My[/name_f] brother and I have a great relationship. We played together every day as kids. We had the same friends in the neighborhood and were always doing something together. We went on a lot of vacations growing up and playing with my brother during them are some of my favorite memories. We have similar personalities and got along really well. [name_m]Even[/name_m] now as adults, we talk daily and hang out all the time. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother is a huge part of my sons life and I love to see them interact together.
On the flip side, my husband and his brother weren’t close at all. They fought constantly growing up and never got along. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband says his brother was very physical towards him and would essentially beat him up often. Their parents worked a lot and it was just him and his brother home from a young age. So not a lot of parents around to break up the fights. They never did vacations or had any family bonding times really. They have pretty different personalities and pretty different interests. So they didn’t spend a lot of time playing together. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is closer with his brother as adults, but they don’t talk daily and don’t hang out more than a few times a year.
I think personality and parent involvement come into play a lot with siblings. I think you can randomly have a “bad relationship” with your sibling for reasons outside of your control. But I also think parents can help foster a good sibling relationship to some extent.
[name_f]My[/name_f] little boy is almost two and I am one and done. [name_f]My[/name_f] situation is a bit different as I have step children, so my son already has siblings. The age gap is big though - 15 and 18 years. [name_f]My[/name_f] stepdaughter has already moved out and my stepson lives with us full time but will be off to university in two years. So, although my son has siblings (who adore him), I’m sure he will feel like an only child for a lot of his childhood as it will just be my husband, myself and him at home. So we did think giving him a sibling closer in age to grow up.
However, we decided not to have anymore for lots of reasons, partly because we had fertility problems and it took 2 years and help conceiving him, so there’s no guarantee I’d even get pregnant again. We feel so unbelievably lucky to have him. I remember so clearly when it was a very real possibility I wouldn’t be able to have kids of my own at all. So we are extremely grateful for what we have. Also, I’m an older mum, I’m 40 now. I think if I was younger I might be a bit more open for trying for another. However I’m very happy with our decision, it feels right for us and when I occasionally question it I always come back to this answer in my gut.
There are so many things I’m looking forward to about being one and done. When I look to the future I love the thought of our cosy trio (as well as hopefully regular visits from my amazing stepkids ) I like that I can pour all my love and energy into my son and hopefully feel that I’m doing a good job. We might be able to travel more, and financially we’ll be under less pressure. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I will also have the time and space to pursue our own hobbies and interests too without being stretched too thin, which I think is so important as well.
[name_f]My[/name_f] niece (age 8) is an only child and she loves it! She has an amazing relationship with her parents, lots of close friends and has never once wanted a sibling. She would prefer another pet When I sometimes have a wobble about my boy not having a sibling close in age I think of her and it’s reassuring!
Also, just to add that I think it’s hard to imagine having another when you still have a baby. We were so fortunate that my birth was good and we had a good experience during my son’s first year. I suppose you would call him a ‘easy baby’ (although I hate that phrase!) But it wasn’t until he was about one and a half that I could even imagine having another! For me there was a moment when things suddenly got less intense with him and I thought ‘I could totally do this again!’
Good luck making your decision, it can be so tricky to know what to do, but I say go with your gut! (Sorry I’ve just scrolled back up and seen how long my answer is )
So depends how you define “only.” I have a much older sister who was in-and-out of the house growing up so in a lot of ways I was the only child. I think sibling relationships where they grow up together or aren’t super far apart (like 12+ years) can be good and teach them a lot of things. But also, it’s not feasible for everyone. If he’s only 7 months, take a bit longer and think about it if you can.
[name_f]My[/name_f] sister and I don’t have a good relationship but that’s more because of how she chose to treat me than anything to do with us being siblings/ also somewhat her being SO much older.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] know that either way, it’s not a bad thing to have 2 and it’s not a bad thing to have 1.
For context, DH and I are expecting our first in about 5 months and desire to have 3-5.
So currently I’m an only child pregnant with my first baby. In a perfect world I’d like to have a second child, but the how and when is iffy.
I’m a single mom by choice so unless in the interim I met someone, I’d be using a donor for baby #2 as well, which means monetary investment and like 1 attempt per cycle that may or may not work. Not to mention I haven’t experienced parenting my son yet, so I’m leaving space for the possibility that I’ll decide I’m happy being one and done. That’s what happened to my cousin & his wife; they thought two or three kids was their goal but after having their daughter they liked having her and being able to put all their time and resources into raising her.
Re: my situation growing up, my parents wanted three kids and got pregnant with me almost instantly after their wedding. Then they experienced infertility afterwards and never got pregnant again. After trying with help/medications for 3 years, they decided that it was too much of a stressor and landed on making the best of raising an only child. I think in the long run that’s worked out for them, and they don’t seem to have regrets now that I’m 30+ and out of the house. My mom stayed at home so she got to give me all of her attention and they were able to take me on family vacations and help pay for college, car, and other big life purchases.
I’d say when I was younger I did feel lonely and '“left out” because most of my friends had sibling(s). Which has probably influenced me in wanting my son to have a sibling. As an adult, being an only also has some practical implications: I’m the one child going to medical appointments with my folks, helping make decisions, and eventually becoming power of attorney/estate executor (hopefully way, way later). And that takes a toll emotionally when you don’t have someone to shoulder the burden with. These things have made me a stronger person, though, so I suppose it’s both good and bad depending on your perspective!
Neither one and done nor from an only child family, but just wanted to say that 7 months is YOUNG!
Are there reasons you’re trying to make the decision now? [name_f]My[/name_f] partner and I didn’t feel ready to try for another until our first was 18 months. A friend didn’t try for another until her eldest was over 3.
The age gap we have between our 2 (2 yrs and 5 months) has worked out fine in terms of friendship so far. They get along well most of the time, and personally I’m glad they have each other to get up to mischief with. The other thing I like about having 2 is that it’s helped me a little bit to not take everything as a sign of my good or bad parenting. Two kids with the same parents and TOTALLY different personalities, it’s helped me a bit to let go of thinking I’m the one causing their personality and strengths and weaknesses to be any particular way.
Coming from a family with siblings… it has pros and cons. The divide on resources and being from a ND family was hard on me as a kid. I got all big sisters hand me downs, even bras and togs that didn’t fit well, and because of money being tight I felt scared to ask for things like new clothes or extracurriculars that I would have liked to do. And it felt like Mum was constantly stressed, and that my needs didn’t always get noticed compared to those of my (diagnosed) ND
brother. But also my siblings were a space where I could talk about things that I couldn’t with my parents, my sister taught me things like tying my shoe laces when Mum’s way was too confusing, etc. Mind you I’m the youngest, and I think my older sister felt parentified and she no longer speaks to our parents.
As an adult… I’m still very glad I have siblings. They help me feel less alone. Like someone who’s always there even if we don’t have loads in common. They’re lovely people and I care about them a lot. I also won’t have to eventually sort out my parents’ estate completely alone. But there’s ups and downs with it. [name_f]My[/name_f] brother may need care or someone keeping an eye on him due to health issues after our Mum passes. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister does not sound keen on being involved in keeping an eye on him at all and is estranged from our Mum… so maybe everything WILL be on me
Maybe that’s just a very long way of saying… familes are complex and you don’t know what way things will go, so do what feels right for you. But I don’t think it’s a decision that needs to be made immediately.
I have multiple siblings and like it, and I have multiple kids and like it, so not answering your question here just echoing others who’ve said 7 months is young. [name_f]My[/name_f] youngest is 7 months also (we were in the same due date group, I’m pretty certain), and I’m still soaking up the baby snuggles. Not gonna worry about making the decision to try/quit trying not to get pregnant again anytime real soon.
I’m an only child, expecting my 2nd, and I could never promote being one and done or choose that for myself, obviously.
It’s a personal decision of course, but I think a lot of minor developmental things occur with siblings that just doesn’t happen when you’re an only child. In general only children are less socialized, to the point I still suffer speech impediments and social anxiety from spending a more than typical amount of time alone as a child. Along the same lines, I never had the normal rough play/wrestling or close physical contact that often comes with the territory of siblings so I didn’t have as clear of an understanding of how to handle my body, what could hurt another, etc, and was beyond awkward when I got to the age of dating and experiencing physical contact past a hug. Maybe I’m wrong but I feel like that’s less of a thing if you’ve had more physical contact than hugs as a kid.
I also have always wondered if my constant feeling of being alone and not really understood came from no one else experiencing my parents parenting. Maybe if I had a sibling we wouldn’t get along, that’s always possible, but I think there’s a bond from having experienced the same parents regardless.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] what feels right for your family, but as a child that had plenty as far as resources go and all I wanted was more family, I would strongly recommend considering how much of a strain another kid really would be. I think 75% of the money and effort of having kids is upfront with your first and every kid after the first is overall easier, at least most seem to have that experience.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] my 2 cents, you’ll know what you can handle better than I do, and I can appreciate the thought you’re putting into this.
Ooh this so true! as my 2 littles have 100% different personalities and strengths and weakness. And I completely attributed some of it to parenting with my first, until my 2nd came along and you realize how much they are just born that way
Thank you all for the fantastic points made on each side. At this point, I think both choices speak to my heart in different ways, and ya’ll are right - I don’t need to make my decision now.
The reason I worry is because IF I had another, I would have wanted them to be very close in age (like, try to conceive right now close) but I may have to accept that will not be in the cards for us, since I am not ready for another baby yet.
But you’ve given me lots to think about, and everyone’s insight has been extremely helpful!
You certainly have time, as an only child I don’t have a direct experience with any age gap, but I will say my sons will have 3.5 year age gap and I think that’s going to be great. [name_f]My[/name_f] first is old enough he’d gotten lots of one on one time and attention while he was young and is aware a baby is coming. Plus he’s VERY excited for his baby brother and loves “helping” with any baby we’re around.
[name_f]My[/name_f] MIL had her boys about 1.5 years apart due to failed birth control and she would strongly recommend a larger age gap, it was just chaos and her boys always fought and she didn’t feel like they were able to get the attention they deserved.
Personally when we were planning when to try for #2 I had my PCOS to consider but I also didn’t want to risk being too close together so I had an IUD for just under 2.5 years after my son was born and I’m glad I did that because it only took me about 6 months to get pregnant and I think that this is the closest together I could handle them and was comfortable with the idea of it taking a couple years as it did with my first lol
Again, just sharing my thoughts, but I definitely wouldn’t feel pressured to have a shorter age gap. [name_f]My[/name_f] friend has an 8 year old and 1 year old that are best friends. IDK if I’d recommend a larger than 10 year gap, but aiming for less than 2 years gap isn’t at all necessary for them to be close.
Just quickly (it’s very late where I am), it’s been shown by research that a 2.5-4 year gap is the ideal - particularly versus a shorter birth gap - both for the mother’s health (during and after delivery) and the second child’s health (eg birth defects, premature, low birth weight) & brain development (eg slightly increased risks of autism & psych issues). It’s also good for the first child’s attachment to have that time being “the baby” and not in competition. Obviously these are just tendencies and somewhat increased risks that have other factors involved, but it seems the research is on your and you MIL’s POV @ShelbyRose, that some spacing is good if possible.
I’m glad to see you mention this, I very recently came across an article explaining this research, and it is helping me to slowly shift my perspective. I think it comes down to realizing that I can’t and shouldn’t try to recreate my own childhood just because it was good. I can only recognize the goodness and take it with me on my own parenting journey, because I am not my parents, and I can’t parent two children so close in age like my parents did and that’s okay! [name_m]Reading[/name_m] those studies did show me a lot of benefits to a 3-5 year gap that I didn’t realize before, and I’m starting to feel better about it. Thank you for bringing it up
I grew up an only child and continue to dislike it. [name_f]My[/name_f] family feels very small because of it, I have cousins, but we’ve grown apart as adults. They all have siblings that they are close to. I think there is a lot of power in having a lifelong friend. I dread the day I lose my parents and have no one to reminisce about my childhood with. Obviously I’m fine and function well as an adult without siblings, but I definitely relate to the sense of loneliness that others have mentioned. [name_f]My[/name_f] partner has one sibling and they have such a meaningful relationship made up of shared eye rolls over family dinner and shared memories. They are each other’s person to lean on in difficult times even if their relationship isn’t perfect. As an only child, I would recommend giving your child a sibling if you can. Obviously my perspective is one-sided and rose tinted, but it’s mine.
but I totally get the idea of maybe sorta wanting multiples but just raising one child being the most ideal reality
and as far as college, we wouldn’t be able to fully pay for even 1 child to go to college, we put 50% of our annual child tax credit into a 529 and also send a link to it for family to donate to on holidays and we will do the same for this coming baby so they will be even. All the other cash they get for bday and christmas go into CD accounts for savings as well. I’m so excited to give my son a sibling personally!!
) I like that I can pour all my love and energy into my son and hopefully feel that I’m doing a good job. We might be able to travel more, and financially we’ll be under less pressure. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I will also have the time and space to pursue our own hobbies and interests too without being stretched too thin, which I think is so important as well.
When I sometimes have a wobble about my boy not having a sibling close in age I think of her and it’s reassuring!
)
just echoing others who’ve said 7 months is young. [name_f]My[/name_f] youngest is 7 months also (we were in the same due date group, I’m pretty certain), and I’m still soaking up the baby snuggles. Not gonna worry about making the decision to try/quit trying not to get pregnant again anytime real soon.