Firstly [name_u]Happy[/name_u] [name_u]New[/name_u] Year berries!!
I’m turning to you lovely people again because I’m stuck and I need some guidance really as I don’t know what to do for the best.
I’m having a little girl in [name_u]February[/name_u] and my daughter’s father decided in [name_u]October[/name_u] he wants to be involved and since [name_u]November[/name_u] we have been ‘friends’ making decisions together. When discussing baby names he said he wanted to honour his late mother [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] Oyella. I had already planned on doing this by using ‘[name_f]Rose[/name_f]’ which is what Oyella means. He said he didn’t want to use [name_f]Rose[/name_f] pushing me into using Oyella. Oyella is a Ugandan name and it’s pretty (pronunciation the o sort of rolls into the yella part of the name) but I’m now having doubts.
[name_f]My[/name_f] daughters father in the final month of our long term relationship treated me really badly then ended our relationship and when I found out I was pregnant was awful. He has since apologised but my family is not over it in reality neither am I he made me feel very low and my confidence is still low as a result.
Anyways I keep thinking to myself that this could be my only opportunity to name a child as a name nerd it’s a huge deal. I have agreed to not use my beloved [name_f]Rose[/name_f] but I’m having serious doubts about Oyella. For me I strongly associate the name with him and even though his mother was a lovely lady, we’re friends, I love him the association is a lot for me. Also I know my family will find the association strong and it’ll cause a bit of an issue. I want to honour his mother but not using Oyella. I’ve been really loving the idea of using [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] or [name_f]Pearl[/name_f]. Originally he said [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] is too dated but we haven’t discussed names since because we’ve agreed Oyella. Anyways I keep thinking about [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] it’s what [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] means so honours his mum. His niece is [name_f]Olivia[/name_f] [name_f]Rose[/name_f] with [name_f]Rose[/name_f] honouring his mum so I don’t see how [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] couldn’t be used to honour his mum as that’s what [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] means. I love the sound of [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] and pearls themselves are meaningful because my beloved Grandma always used to wear them. I think [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] will definitely be loved by my family. I want to say actually I’ve done everything to prepare for this baby I’m naming her X but I know it’s going to cause an issue with my daughter’s father as we came to the decision to use Oyella ‘together’ also he gets very annoyed when he doesn’t get his own way. I don’t know whether to stick with Oyella as we made this decision ‘together’ or use [name_f]Pearl[/name_f]? If I go with [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] should I tell him now deal with weeks of issues or wait till she’s born? [name_f]My[/name_f] friend was saying to wait till she’s born as probably seeing her will cool down his reaction to the name change.
Anyways if you guys were me would you use [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] Oyella or [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f]?
I don’t know you and the whole situation, so I can’t say “you definitely shouldn’t use it” or “you have to use it”. From what I read, I understand it like you are not sure about using a name that reminds you only of “him”. [name_f]Imagine[/name_f] that something bad happened (I hope it won’t) and he no longer has a place in your lives, will you feel weird about your daughter carrying a name heavily associated with him? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you trust him enough to think everything will go okay between you?
I like the idea of using [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] - still honouring, but wouldn’t make you think of him every time you hear it.
As I said, I don’t know the whole situation so I can’t say something clear, but listen to what your heart says
I agree about Oyella once you explained it i kept wanting to say Old Yeller. Naming with a partner sometimes takes a lot of compromise and communication… sounds like you guys likely haven’t arrived at the name yet if you’re that unsettled with Oyella. Although Inwill say if he wasn’t thrilled about [name_f]Rose[/name_f] Inwouldnt be shocked if he’s not into using [name_f]Pearl[/name_f]. Is [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] out? I could see [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] or [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] sounds really pretty
ETA: I apologize somehow when reading I missed the part of him thinking the option Margaret is dated. It just outside of the Top 100 so not too sure I agree about that. However, I did think this paragraph in the name description maybe something to consider if you haven’t already: “ If you’re honoring an ancestral Margaret, there are many fresh and new alternatives, from the French Marguerite—very stylish in Paris—to the diminutive Margo (or Margot). In French, Marguerite is another word for daisy, making Daisy another appropriate Margaret short form or honorific, as is Maisie. Other offspring of Margaret include Madge, Marjorie/Margery, Megan, Molly, Polly, Peggy, Greta, and Rita.”
I really like [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]. But if you are having doubts about using a name that reminds you of something negative. GO WITH YOUR GUT. That being said. If you change it, I would consider the same thing from his side. Maybe try to reevaluate together and not necessarily pick a name that will remind HIM of you and your family and his mistakes. That’s a lot for a little baby to carry around just with a name.
I also like [name_f]Margo[/name_f] and rosemary
Based off your options
I would suggest [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] for sure, but do it sooner rather than later, as last minute informing him of a name change could cause further issues, imo, and they would likely be harder to work through when [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] is here, as opposed to before?
I can see why you wouldn’t want to use Oyella, though, as if it were my ex partner and I, I wouldn’t want to use a name so heavily tied to him either.
Maybe worst case, if he dislikes [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], and you aren’t comfortable using Oyella, ask him for other names he does like to honour his mum?
Since it’s his mother you’re looking to honour, despite how he’s acted, I think he should like the honorific too? He doesn’t have to pick it, or even have the final say, but maybe if he does dislike [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], ask him for other suggestions based on his mum’s name or likes/interests? Ie; [name_f]Megan[/name_f] is a bit more modern (if he thinks [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] is dated) and is a Welsh form of [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] - [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Megan[/name_f] could be quite cute, or [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Maisie[/name_f] - [name_f]Maisie[/name_f] being a Scottish diminutive of [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]? [name_u]Or[/name_u] if she had a favourite flower, the month she was born is a name (ie; born in [name_u]June[/name_u]), etc.?
I know with my ex partner, I didn’t want to use his mum’s full name anywhere when we were discussing names (he and I never had children together, but were planning as we were engaged), so I suggested using something connected to her instead. She had said if she’d had another daughter, she liked the name [name_u]Stevie[/name_u], so we contemplated using that somewhere, like as a nn for [name_f]Stephanie[/name_f] or something .
It’s wonderful that your ex-partner wants to be involved now but given his prior behavior, he really is in no position to make demands. I would honor his mother with the second middle and use either [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] (I actually love [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]) or [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], which honors your grandmother as well.
@ethelmary thank you for the feedback that’s my concern as well when we were together I really pictured us using Oyella if we were to have a daughter something like [name_f]Rose[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] Oyella or [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] Oyella [name_f]Josephine[/name_f]. The name was always at the forefront of my mind and now things are so different it’s just feels jarred in my head that’s why I’m considering an alternative to honour his mum really.
@Alix2016 thank you for the feedback he doesn’t want to use [name_f]Rose[/name_f] because the association is too strong to his mums sad passing & he doesn’t want to copy his brother who has [name_f]Olivia[/name_f] [name_f]Rose[/name_f]. In the U.K. [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] isn’t as popular but I don’t consider the name dated it’s a classic he feels like like it is. I think what makes it awkward is I’m not compromising with a partner I’m compromising with an ex who hasn’t contributed at all, treated me really badly & is stubborn.
@jenileigh thank you for your feedback I don’t think he would associate [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] with my family at all he doesn’t know about that association but I get what your saying. Thank you for suggesting [name_f]Rosemary[/name_f] & [name_f]Margo[/name_f] they are nice.
@leafsgirl44 thank you for your feedback it’s really appreciated I think your probably right and I should suggest an alternative honour for his mum sooner rather than later I like the idea of [name_f]Megan[/name_f] & [name_f]Maisie[/name_f]. Thank you! Also @skylerros thank you for your feedback it’s good to hear you in agreement.
@Suzannah thank you honestly you’ve literally summed up how I feel in a paragraph. I feel he has no right to make demands and he should be happy that I’m including his surname (we are having a hyphenated surname) and honouring his mum in the first place. But I just know it’ll cause WW3 because he’s been so demanding and imposing I don’t know whether to put my foot down or just keep the peace with using a name that makes me think of him the whole time. That’s why I’m also worried about bringing it up
I’m so sorry you’re facing this. It must be really hard being in this position. There are real concerns with either option. It sounds like you know in your heart what is the right choice for you, but you’re wanting to avoid the conflict and behaviours this could bring out in your ex-partner. That’s a difficult position to be in. I don’t want to suggest you do anything that puts your safety at risk, but I do want to advocate for you and what you feel is right. Your feelings are important.
You wanting an alternative way to honour his mother is not a valid reason for inappropriate behaviour towards you. If he does, that’s not on you. It is never okay for him to behave inappropriately. So your safety is your first priority. If you have supports around you and ways keep yourself safe, I honestly do think it’s worth bringing up soon. That will give you more time to work things out without the added stress of late stage pregnancy and delivery. It sounds like it’s important to have a cooperative relationship with him, but remember that it’s not you who is putting that at risk. Your request is entirely reasonable.
I hope you have others in your life who are supporting you through this. I wish you peace of mind with whatever your decision is.
I just wanted to add one more reason to address this concern soon if it’s what you decide to do. Your daughter’s birth should be a beautiful time for you and baby. You do not need or want your daughter’s father to overshadow that special time with his own issues with a sudden name change. Discuss and determine her final name ahead of the birth, and it should hopefully be one more thing that’s out of the way.
Please don’t be pushed into agreeing to something you don’t 100% love. It sounds like he’s got a lot of control over this situation, he’s decided he wants to be involved and that’s great but considering how long it took him to come to that conclusion, it should be on your terms. You’re being incredibly nice letting him have a say for the sake of your relationship for your child’s sake but the decision should ultimately be up to you, if it comes to a disagreement. It sounds like he’s allowed to say a hard no when it comes to names but that you’re slightly worried to do the same and frankly if he can say no so easily to your ideas, you should feel comfortable doing the same, it’s only fair. You’re the one who is carrying her and bringing her into this world and the simple fact that he even had to think about whether or not to even be involved in her life says it all really! Why should he have more of a say than you? Maybe there’s someone on YOUR side of the family you want to honour…
A few suggestions that may work, I think a name like [name_f]Maggie[/name_f] [name_f]Rose[/name_f] would be a great way to honour both names. [name_u]Or[/name_u] you could go for a name similar to Oyella in sound, like [name_f]Odela[/name_f] or [name_f]Odila[/name_f]. [name_u]Or[/name_u] you could look at alternatives to [name_f]Rose[/name_f] like [name_f]Rosie[/name_f], [name_f]Rosanna[/name_f], [name_f]Rosina[/name_f], [name_f]Rosemary[/name_f] etc.
Whatever you do, make sure YOU are happy with it, you are her mother, you will always be there. He can’t just come and go as he pleases and expect to make all the decisions. Stay strong and good luck.
I have a very strong opinion that single moms should decide their child’s name (and give their child their own last name, not the father’s). You’ll be the one taking care of this child 60-99% of the time, taking her to all her doctor appointments, meeting with teachers, filling out paper work, etc etc etc.
The thing about naming a baby is, you can’t change it later, unless the other party agrees. So let’s say you name your child something you love. He’s a little butt-hurt about it at first. But he loves his daughter, he respects and cares for you, so he gets over it. Then things work out for you two, he proves himself as a co-parent. You can always change the name to something that honors him.
Now let’s say you use Oyella, or a variation, but he drops off the map as a co-parent. You can’t change the child’s name because he’ll never agree to it.
I would do [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [your last name]. If things work out, you can always change it to [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] Oyella [his last name]. [name_u]Or[/name_u] keep it to your last name but add Oyella. [name_u]Or[/name_u] whatever you two decide.
@kachenka firstly thank you for always providing me detailed responses it’s really kind and thoughtful. I completely get what your saying about addressing the name change sooner it’s just awkward because I ‘agreed’ to Oyella I feel bad by going back on what was agreed. With my ex it’s more he just says hurtful things which I find really hard to deal with. I know me going back on Oyella will most likely result in him saying horrible things. I just don’t know if I can cope with it. That’s why I’m like maybe for a quiet life go with Oyella but I don’t want to regret it. Then I’m like maybe I’m reading to much into it. I just don’t know. Thank you for your help and supportive message @katkabet thanks for agreeing with Kachenka makes me feel more assured that it is reasonable to be feeling this way.
@Greyblue thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.
@MaisieDee thank you for your response. He does tend have the upper hand but I think sometimes I just let others (not just him) have the upper hand then get railroaded into agreeing to something which I think is what has happened. Whereas he is very defiant and just outright says no & that’s that. He has dismissed [name_f]Rose[/name_f] and all her variants says [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] is dated so I thought [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] could be a good alternative. Thank you will definitely try & stay strong
@Elle1 thank you for your feedback honestly get where your coming from and kinda think the same I will be the main caregiver. I have already agreed to a hyphenated surname because now he wants to be involved I feel it’s the right thing to do but it’s just the second middle name Oyella it feels to connected to him/our past. I think I agree as the main caregiver I should have the final say really
To me, it doesn’t sound like you really made the decision “together”. I understand he wants to honor his mom, but when you say “he gets very annoyed when he doesn’t get his own way” makes me nervous. I also don’t think you should give in because of his possible reaction.
A solution could be using [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] to honor his mother, and then he can use Oyella as a private nickname for his daughter.
@shells15 thank you for your feedback. I feel like at the time I agreed to using Oyella because I was so happy that he decided to be a father wanted to make him feel included and now I just feel that it’s not right. He does get annoyed he says horrible things when he doesn’t get his own way which is what I just don’t want. I’m glad you think [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] is a good alternative. I really like [name_f]Pearl[/name_f].
This. Maybe he should try to honour his late mother through his behaviour instead.
Let us not forget it is you who will be giving birth to this child, putting yourself and risk and going through the painful experience of labour. Your opinion on the names should hold more weight than someone who only recently decided to deign to be involved.
[name_f]My[/name_f] father seems a little bit similar to how you’re describing your ex partner, and if there’s one thing he’s always had in spades, it’s the audacity.
This sounds horribly familiar. In my experience w people like this, decisions are never made ‘together’, it’s often subtly spun their way. Stand your ground. She’s your baby; and you were going to be there for her since the beginning. Don’t let his bad behaviour control you.
As far as names go, [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] is absolutely gorgeous and actually flows better than [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Rose[/name_f] with the two last names. However, I know you’ve been dreaming of using [name_f]Rose[/name_f] for years. I think you should still use it - it honours his mother and is your all-time love. I’d be wary of manipulative comments “this reminds me of my mothers sad passing” used in order to get his way.
[name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] is a bit clunky and cumbersome imho. Both long, dated names feel very heavy together.
I’d go ahead and name her what you like, and wait til she’s born to tell him (not ask). After you go through labour and he meets her he might be more accepting towards your point of view. But I also acknowledge that might be a little gung-ho for your situation. I just think he’s got a lot to prove before he earns himself a spot in her name.
I’m thinking of you often. This must be such a challenging situation for you
I think [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] sounds nicer overall provided all the options. [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] sounds the best because [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] kinda runs together. [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] is a good unambiguous tribute to the grandmother you actually like, and that can’t be denied and it’s not as associated with him even if he bails again. Tacking on [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] as a second last name seems kinda…reluctant on two parts and I think you’ll get away with not offending anyone if you just go with [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]. Let him place Oyella on another kid.
He doesn’t have to pick it, or even have the final say, but maybe if he does dislike [name_f]Pearl[/name_f], ask him for other suggestions based on his mum’s name or likes/interests? Ie; [name_f]Megan[/name_f] is a bit more modern (if he thinks [name_f]Pearl[/name_f] is dated) and is a Welsh form of [name_f]Margaret[/name_f] - [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Megan[/name_f] could be quite cute, or [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Maisie[/name_f] - [name_f]Maisie[/name_f] being a Scottish diminutive of [name_f]Margaret[/name_f]? [name_u]Or[/name_u] if she had a favourite flower, the month she was born is a name (ie; born in [name_u]June[/name_u]), etc.?
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